Pretty sure he is cheating?

[whattothinkaboutthis]

I've name changed - I've posted about this before about 4 months ago and the general consensus was we were stuck in a rut and he probably wasn't cheating.

However, I've just signed us up for online billing with our mobile (joint accounts) and I took the opportunity to look at his bill.

There are 2 numbers that are suspect - neither are in his mobile address book. One he texted only 5 times and the other he called twice @ 00.34 and 01.40am.

How do I find out who they are - have called both go straight to voicemail.

They could be competition things, like where you text in an answer or ring up to vote? Especially if they aren't in his address book, he'd have to know them off by heart otherwise. If it was an OW I'd expect to see more than 5 texts or 2 phone calls.
What does the voice mail say? I guess it's not a personal voice one?

You nned to talk to him- no relationship is worth having without trust

Can you remember anything about the dates of the calls / texts? Was he out? were you out?

On it's own, it doesn't look suspect and if I found them, I'd ask my OH if I wanted to know

What are your reasons for snooping in the first place though?

could they be sex lines or something? i am not sure, but i guess they'd go thru to 'someone' tho, not a voicemail.

i don't really know what to suggest, as havent seen you other thread .

They are both mobile numbers, one on O2 the other Vodafone. Here is my original thread might answer some questions

The times of the calls are early hours in the morning 12.20am and on Saturdays, one he was definitely out for (actual night of my thread in fact - that's the one with texts only) - pattern looks like this:

Sat 6 Mar 00:17
Sat 6 Mar 11:45
Tue 9 Mar 11:12
Mon 22 Mar 13:57
Wed 24 Mar 19:48

I'm thinking someone he met that night, then told he had a GF?

The other patterns with calls looks like this - less suspect I think but odd - maybe ringing a friend lost whilst out or similar?

Sat 20 Mar 00:34 7m 49s
Sat 20 Mar 01:40 2m 38s

I have asked and asked him - nothing. Last night I woke up at 2am and he wasn't in bed thought it was odd, bathroom light was on so assumed he was there - light kept me up and he didn't come back for 5 mins so went to look. He was downstairs, "eating a slice of bread". ? I often wake up and find he's not in bed (ok, maybe once or twice a week) but just thought he couldn't sleep so went into his study; now I'm not so sure.

Also since last thread he has a work phone, which is locked (for work security apparently and I'm not allowed the code - I asked him to give it to me so I could play on a game) - his personal phone is normally left lying around now. The numbers were from his personal mobile and took place before he got his work phone.

so there is a possibility, whoever he is caling he now does this form the newly aquired and locked workphone.

looks a bit sus sorry.

would any man having an affair leave the phone bill around so his partner could read it? Only if they were dim.

what kind of relationship do you have? Do you have joint finances and any DCS?

why don't you just ask him who the numbers are?

purplepeony - clearly a man doing that would be dumb! However - that didn't happen, I just signed us up online for billing. The bill is in our joint name, we have 2 numbers under joint names - it was easy. Not sure why I didn't do it before - I don't like the idea of snooping I guess.

No DCs, own a house 50/50, and pay bills jointly. Don't have joint banks but basically all money is shared.

I'm going to ask him tonight when he comes home, no doubt he will have a lovely excuse ready though. I clearly don't trust him though and deserve better than this so unless he can really convince me I think it's game over for us.

I think your mind is running riot. If I was him, I would resent the intrusion and lack of trust from you which would probably lead to locking my phone. If you are going through all his interactions with a fine toothcomb (which may be entirely innocent), he may think it is better you don't have access to them. After all, if you really put your mind to it, then you can dream up any amount of misdemeanour. I think you are potentially on a path of destruction here unless you calm down a bit.

he's not left them laying around tho. she's just signed up for online billing, and the numbers were from march. he has a new phone now. Reading the other thread op, it could be that he's just having a glich. Going out more with the guy at work, kind of having a 'single time'. Esp if things have got stale, like you say with the sex thing.

my ex really was thick enough not to wonder if perhaps i'd see the numbers on his bill. !

op, you need to do wht you need to do. Aelationship thats good and where there is equal trust, doesn't have one person snooping ( although i don'tbelive it's that!) and one person locking a phone.

Effjay - you're right in some respects, I am really putting my mind to it and possibly making an issue out of nothing.

However, surely a woman should never be made to feel like this in a relationship? I have had relationships in the past and never ever wondered about anything my other half was up to - I'm not a bunny boiler type, quite the opposite. So even if he isn't doing anything the fact he has made me doubt him is telling?

Also there are other things I don't want to reveal by stealth but basically his friends are all slightly immoral. One is having an affair with a married man at work who has a child - she babysits for this child fairly regularly! That's pretty fucked and if I knew who it was he knows I would tell the wife. I don't think many of his female friends would care that he has a girlfriend. I don't think he is having an ongoing affair - I definitely think something has happened/is about to happen somewhere and I can't get to the truth. That's the annoying part, the not knowing for certain.

piratecat thanks for the support - it's not snooping I sort of agree. If the shoe was on the other foot and I felt he needed to do it to get some sort of answer I don't think I would mind. My phone is unlocked all the time, he knows most of my passwords to email, facebook etc I have nothing to hide and don't see it as a big deal.

i just think its good not to get hysterical, which you aren't btw, but stupid to just say 'oh well there are lots of not usual things going on but i won't question it'

you seem totally balanced op, but have doubts. He may well feel a bit hemmed in by the questions or doubts, but it is up to him to be straight with you if there is anything he is having problems with. The locked work ohine, has he had a work phone before. What;s his job? Is he on call ?
Those numbers you found might be totally innocent, given he's been out alot lately. Just people he's met or swapped numbers with. taxi firm, who knows.

If he is, he'll trip himself up at some point and then you'll know for certain. I don't think there is much to be gained for going out and trying to find the evidence. I don't look at my husbands phone bill or emails or anything like that ever. It'd ruin a good relationship as jealousy and lack of trust is very, very destructive.

op isn't having a good relationship atm.

"I don't think there is much to be gained for going out and trying to find the evidence."

Clearly Effjay, you have never had any doubts in your past that's great. However, it does make you feel a little bit crazy that you're not sure if your partner is/was/might be thinking about sleeping with other women or woman!

Lack of trust is destructive, hence why I'm here trying to either regain the trust or find some proof for why my trust has been shaken.

I'm not the sort of woman to sit round and let a man decide my outcomes, I'm not wasting my time waiting for him to trip himself up. He's a clever boy and I don't think it's an ongoing thing as in one person he has seen lots of times, so the chances of that are slim.

Pirarecat, can't really say too much but his job is in IT, he's not on call but is sort of managerial and they all get phones.

Definitely not taxi numbers either. If they were people he'd met randomly and added they'd be in his phone book right?

Ring the numbers again. I would.

Let us know what he says when he gets in when you ask him. Just tell him, you love him lots but you dont feel the same back.

cheekypinksox, I have been ringing them about every 90 minutes!! My number is withheld. He has his personal phone here, I'm so close to calling from his phone but feel that's going to far. What if it's his boss or something. Unlikely, but still.

I know he is just going to say he does love me. I feel our lives are too entwined for him to ever feel he could break up with me, plus he would be a loon to break up with me anyway! He's not going to say anything other than I do love you, how can I show it I love you.

Why don't you just sit tight and see what comes out of the woodwork in time?

If he was calling another woman it is possible he has warned her that the phones are not secure and she has ditched the phone with the no. you are calling- you'd still get the voicemail.

Why do you think he is off with another woman? Is your relationship bad anyway?
Does he go out a lot on his own? Does he have a history of playing around?

If he WAS does he know how you feel- would it be a deal breaker or could you turn a blind eye?

A lot of people don't answer to withheld numbers, you could leave it a while and just ring from your own phone

If it's a genuine contact, you could say you were going through your bills trying to find a number that you rang last month

Obviously it would be a hellova lot easier just to ask him straight out, but if you think he would lie to your face, what's the point

Try googling the numbers, if it's a business number or sex worker type thing it should show up on google.

There we go look, told you I was right, he kissed the office bus in a drunken state about Christmas time. Oh he's not sure he loves me and he's not sure if he can love me any more because he will resent spending time with me.

Wow look, amazing the timings tally exactly with my first post.

I'm packing a back as we speak.

??? Hang on don't go!!

What did he say? what did you say?