Pretty sure he is cheating?

[whattothinkaboutthis]

I've name changed - I've posted about this before about 4 months ago and the general consensus was we were stuck in a rut and he probably wasn't cheating.

However, I've just signed us up for online billing with our mobile (joint accounts) and I took the opportunity to look at his bill.

There are 2 numbers that are suspect - neither are in his mobile address book. One he texted only 5 times and the other he called twice @ 00.34 and 01.40am.

How do I find out who they are - have called both go straight to voicemail.

I haven't contacted the girl, don't want to give her the satisfaction.

I don't think I want to end this I do love him and I always had the feeling it was a one of thing that happened while drunk. I think he has shown me texts about this girl confirming the married man. My head a mess though, si can't be sure. Why you think there is more?

Spoke to him this morning, said I could forgive the kiss and would trust him (I trust him now is that niave?). Said I think we have been stuck in a rut etc, I think we could get it back.

He says he's not sure how he feels, we've lost that 'spark' and he's not sure if he has the 'drive' or determination' to fix us as his career is important

Feel like a mug but am giving him a week before I close my heart to him. He will move out then.

You're giving him a week? A week to do what? Decide if he wants to stay with you after he cheated?

Ah jazuz woman, you are worth more than that, you can not let your fate be decided by anybody else.

By staying with him you're losing your self respect.

Oh dear, I think this must be horribly painful for you, but please stop telling him that you trust and can forgive. He doesn't even sound as though he wants that trust and forgiveness.

I'm not sure what you mean by having seen texts about the OW and the married man. From whom to whom?

The reason I think this was more than a one-off kiss is because I think he is having an affair with someone now. Whether that's the same person as the one at Christmas, is open to conjecture. It's possible it's someone different, but I'd imagine the phone numbers from March hold the clue.

The reason I think he's having an affair now is that he doesn't want to fix his relationship with you. That normally only happens if he's got someone else on the go. I don't think his odd behaviour in recent times can be explained away by guilt. If that were the case, he would be feeling massively relieved that this is now all out in the open and trying his damndest to make amends and for you to forgive him.

If you must, do a bit of digging, but please don't ask him to come back and promise it will all be forgiven and that trust will be restored. Why in God's name would you trust someone the day after catching him out?

Hi, when my DS was 6 months old, my DH started spending alot of time on his mobile. I intercepted it and read some particulary grpahic texts from a girl at his gym, which he tried to laugh off as "a joke" After he'd moved out for a couple of weeks he begged to come back, and feeling tired,scared and pretty useless I let him. 4 months later, he was back in contact with the same woman. Needless to say, that was the end of our marriage.
I really feel for you as its a horrible place to be, but you are worth more than having to putting up with that crap and need to think about taking control of the situation as best you can. Start working out what you need financially and get advice on what you are entitled to, so you are in a position to tell him what you want rather than the other way round. If he does demonstrate that he really wants to fix things, you can decide if its really what you want. Good luck.

It's weird I don't know why I trust him but I do. I do not trust him or her together with drink. But even then I trust him not to do anything I just know emotionally I couldn't handle it. From the minute he did it 6 months ago I knew it wouldn't happen again.

I agree I am loosing self respect here, but a week after 6 years I can just about cope with. If he is undecided after that week tough.

Also I agree that his reluctance to work through this is odd. Can it be genuinely he doesn't know what he wants and doesn't want to hurt me more by getting back together only for him to want out 6 months down the line. I really feel he does love and care about me, and I realise this sounds silly given what he's done. But if he was with her why wouldn't he just tell me now? He knows I would not take him back after a shag and then he could be with her.

So confused now, I really don't think he is having a full on affair and never did.

when will i feel normal has posted such good messages to you, I hope that you keep listening to your instincts and keep well away from him, get your stuff out of that house etc, he has cheated on you with someone else, if he can cheat on that and disrespect you that way, he can cheat you in many other ways too, be carefull and get financially unlinked from him asap!

He isn't malicious I know he wouldn't do anything malicious money wise.

I'm only moving out for a week to let us both have some thinking space, I'm moving back in a week definitely and we might have to live together separate rooms etc until Sep when I can buy him out.

My head was a bit more sorted this morning only a little but now I'm all confused and uncertain feel so sick - why does there have to be another woman involved (ie. now).

Just be careful. You trust him but not him and her together with drink? How will that work out for any future nights outs socicially with alcohol, are you going to be able to trust him going forward?
There's alot riding on this and I doubt he wants to be labelled as the bad guy, so its unlikley he'll want to be seen as making any final decisions, that'll fall to you. You've given yourself a deadline, just be honest with yourself and remember you don't have to leave your home, he's in the wrong here.

"But if he was with her why wouldn't he just tell me now?" Because once a liar always a liar? It gets to be a habit. He has lied to you ever since the event and now you're expecting him to back down and start telling you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. If you're going to try trusting, be sure to verify, and be sure he's completely open (he must be responsible in this regard), or the lack of trust will gnaw away at you.

"He says he's not sure how he feels, we've lost that 'spark' and he's not sure if he has the 'drive' or determination' to fix us as his career is important"
Listen very carefully to this. This is the truth, or at least the part of the truth that he's willing to tell you. He may not admit a fling or even a current affair, but he's telling you he's completely ambivalent right now for whatever reason, about his relationship with you.

I am going back next week no question about it. We may have to live together for a while but it will strictly be like a flat share, I wont, shop, clean, feed or fuck him. The I'll buy him out by Sep.

If we worked it out I would be happy for him to go out with work but when she is there he just can't get wasted, can't stay out past 3am, can't go back to her house (which was the usual thing, a big group of them). Going out in any other social setting I do trust him - I don't know why and I don't think I'm trying to kidd myself into finding the easiest way to make this go away - it's really how I feel.

"ambivalent right now for whatever reason"

His reason are, we lost our spark. We did and have lost our spark, I'm not finding him sparky either! We lost our spark cos we have spent the last 1.5 years more or less ignoring us lots of other things needed our attention our house needed a lot of work, I set up a business, he got a more senior work role and we let it slip. Whenever I tried to talk to him about it he thought we were "fine", thought "this was what happens" etc. We spent the weekend with friends who have been together as long as us and the difference between us was obvious.

He also thinks/thought I couldn't get past the kiss and is also worried about the future (ie kids and marriage, I don't really care for marriage but kids are really important to me), his job is quite full on and he wants to have a really good career so doesn't feel he has the time to make us work.

With all these reason does there really have to be OW scenario?

eh ?

what happened to that kick-ass woman yesterday who sussed her bloke out for lying to her ?

she has been replaced by someone with a massive load of denial and self-doubt clouding her judgement

bring back that other OP...right now

sweetheart...he has given you the only answer you are likely to get...when he tells you something...fgs, listen and hang on to your self-respect

he sounds competely uninterested in you. It seems you have played right into his hands and given him the "out" he was obviously too spineless to seek for himself...

do you really want to hang around to see what other ways in which he can humiliate you ?...

Thing is, though, you've both been busy. You've both been working on the house, you have a job, time has passed for you too.

But he is the one who has indulged in a little extra on the side.

Why did he do this and not you, given the things you've both been occupied with? The answer is that his priorities are screwed up and yours are not when it comes to important relationships.

manthanxiety - I completely agree what he did is inexcusable and totally wrong and concealing it was even worse. But wouldn't I be mad to throw away a 5/6 year relationship on a drunken kiss?

Anyfucker, I want that OP too, she was the extremely angry version of me. I'm the scared and doubtful version. Later on after more wine I will be the crying pathetic version.

I don't think I'm denying anything - well other than there might be another woman on the scene currently. I'm not denying anything else I'm saying I love this guy, we used to be amazing together and I'm not going to toss that aside without trying my damdest.

I have changed my mind about waiting a week, if he doesn't know by tomorrow that speaks volumes. I don't wait round for anyone.

I think if you knew me in RL you would think I was doing the right thing; my best friend does. She thinks he is having some sort of "OMG I'm nearly 30, is this all life has to offer me" meltdown.

Also what out have I given him? The best way for him tog et rid of me is tell me he slept with someone as he 100000% knows I would not tolerate it at all even remotely.

I am still extremely cross with him, the lies, the pretence, the plain idiocy of this situation is insane; he has had ample opportunity to tell me he feels like this I have been asking and asking for months.

So if we do decide to work things out I don't think it's going to be all Walt Dinsey; I was thinking separate rooms from a while and basically starting from scratch rediscovering each other.

I just feel thoroughly sick and really can't believe this could be the end of my relationship.

What a cunt he is!

I think, and I don't mean to be cruel, that if he wanted you, he'd have cried, begged, pleaded, promised... anything to get you to stay. Instead he was ok with you moving out for the week and doesn't know if he even wants to carry on trying.

While you tell him you can forgive him and if he wants to try again you'll come back to him.

There's a sort of on-your-knees "please don't leave me" feel to it, you know?

He doesn't know if he wants you - that means he doesn't want you. imo.

Take the power, take the control, make the break. If he wants your relationship back, he'll come to you.

I am NOT on his side, but I do think that maybe you are being too hasty throwing this all away.

Thousands- millions- of relationships recover from affairs much worse than your experience, if both parties want to make it work again.

I know he seems confused, so you can either decide to stick it out until he is not, if he is willing to perhaps talk and try counselling, or you can move out temporarily and give him space.

It would be awful if in a year's time you wished you had given it more time/worked at it etc etc.

Don't throw it all away with a knee jerk reaction when it might be worth saving.

He is just not that into you hun anymore, I also think there is someone else, I have seen this scinario lots of times, your friend may not be wise to all of this, and may mean well, it is over hun, he is spineless, a liar and a cheat who won't take responsibility for what he has done, he like you had the chance when things were keeping you both busy to reignite the spark and he allowed it to dwindle as much as you, and instead of putting effort into your relationship he went elsewhere for a thrill... he is not worth it he will repeat this rubbish with the next woman who will take it as long as she can.

Being cheated on is horrible, it is shocking and you go into denial, rejection is terrible, however it is all a learning curve and you can get past it, and be happy again, although I am sure it does not feel like it now.

The most teling things about his words, is he wants to focus on his career, he is just not wanting to make it work anymore and is waiting of you to have enough!

My advice to you is get what you can in writing asap, get the estate agents in for valuations, get solicitors sorted etc, quick before he gets angry, do it when he is guilty... this was the best advice someone gave me, I went for it with maintenance, and was on the verge of getting things done with solicitors when the guilt left him and he chose to get angry with me and blame me instead to make himself feel better....

"I am still extremely cross with him, the lies, the pretence, the plain idiocy of this situation is insane; he has had ample opportunity to tell me he feels like this I have been asking and asking for months. " You are hitting the right note here. You are so right to be angry about this. It's part of the bigger picture, though, the picture where he and you are living parallel and not entwined lives. Or at least you are entwined but he is not.

I agree that it is very telling that he has not done anything more than say he's ambivalent and give you so many reasons for that ambivalence.

It's not really the kiss or whatever it was, it's the blithe damaging of the relationship through the lies and the pretence, followed by the wishy washyness, and the apparent lack of will or determination on his part to repair the damage he's done that's a concern. He has to care about the relationship and what he's throwing away just as much if not more than Whattothinkaboutthis does if they're going to work things through.

OP, you are really not getting what I mean (and also that Math means too, I think)

(this is AF, btw)

he is too spineless to come clean with you...most cheaters will not...even when you give them a gold-plated opportunity to do so

because then he won't be quite the "good guy" he sees himself as, will he ?

he knows you would be likely to tell everyone and tarnish his golden reputation

he would rather give you waffle such as "I am confused", "we have lost our spark", "if only we hadn't been so busy and you had given me more blowjobs" yada, yada, yada

instead he is fudging, concealing his real feelings, possibly hoping that you will take the decision away from him (to end it)

typical immature behaviour...and if you try to work on things without him being fully on board , that way madness lies (and your self-respect ends up in the shitter)

Ambivalence can turn into anger and blaming very fast, as Mummiehunnie says -- especially when you have someone who is not really into honesty.

You are getting such good advice here, it would seem unlike your best friend, we have all been stung by men like your oh, and know the way the land lies, he is a liar with no morals you know this already, he will cheat you out of that house if he can also, believe me you think they won't they do... the more the ow gets in there the more they join together and scapegoat the ex, he may tell her lies and all sorts, get shot of any entanglements you have with him tomorrow if you can, get the mortgage sorted, estate agents, solicitors done this week if you can, you will be stung if you leave it believe me!

Hi everyone just wanted to give an update on this, it's been 2 weeks now. In the end we decided we were gong to make it work but I ended it today.

Basically I have spent the last 2 weeks making a go of it and he has spent the last 2 weeks carrying on his old behaviours. The crux came when this weekend after having long conversations about how we would spend more time together he basically spend the entire weekend in his study. He was doing work which by his own admission wasn't important and could have waited. I didn't want to suggest doing anything as I feel like it's time for him to put some effort it and by this afternoon when literally no time had been spent together (ok we watched a film last night but if felt like a chore for him I could tell and he was only dong it to keep me off his back sort of thing).

I just simply don't understand so many of his behaviours and I'm not prepared to waste brain space on him any longer. He swear blind he is not seeing anyone else and only kissed this other girl once while they were drunk - she came onto him, he kissed her for the duration and then left the club.

He says it's too much of a gamble to make it work which is just such a ludicrous statement - if you try and make it work you have nothing to lose. If you don't try and make it work you have every thing to lose that we have built up over the last 5/6 years. How does that statement make sense?

I asked him why even though he said he wanted to try and believed it could work, his words didn't translate into actions and he says it's because he feels uncomfortable. What does that even mean, he just kept saying it and saying it. Despite all this he says that he has enjoyed some of the time we have spent together over the last 2 weeks but the uncomfortable times were more frequent than the good times.

Everything has gone to shit and I just know that the total fuck head will realise in a few months that he does love and by then my heart will be dead to him I just know it because that is how I deal with things.

I'm not sitting around like some twat while he figures out what he wants, he suggested we carry on as we are but couldn't say he would put more effort in so I just said that it ends now. He is going to have to live here for a few months until we sort out the money and house and stuff - does anyone have any tips for this. Either of us leaving is not an option and neither of us are malicious, so I don't need to see a solicitor etc - besides his mother would kill him if he ever did anything dodgy and she gave us most of the money for the house.

Sorry so long just wanted to vent!!

anyone? It's v busy in here tonight - guess BH left us with too much thinking time on our hands!

"With any luck if he ever decides he's made a mistake you will be long gone with someone who deserves you. "

Minthumbug thanks for replying, I quoted that as this is exactly my thoughts; I'm one of life's take it on the chin types. I've cried and raged enough now so it's time to get on with the practical things. I'm only 26 so life isn't exactly over, I'm actually rather attractive if I'm allowed to say that, funny, kind and a decent person!

I think the hardest part of now the kiss or the lies but the fragrant disregard for what we had. It just seems so weird - I thought I knew this man!