Still suspicious of possible affair, months on....

[loves2walk]

I have posted my situation here before a few months ago under 'How do I tell if my DH is having, or about to have an affair' and I'm just back now for more advice.

Nothing has changed - briefly my DH admitted an attraction to someone he works with and socialises with, a single woman with 'boundary problems'. He then spent a couple of months being odd, secretive about his phone, cranky with me and DSs, emotionally detached from me and not intimate, aggressive a couple of times and very very stressed. Said it was all work and there was some truth in this, and we were also moving house. However he would be really cross if I questionned him going along to an out-of-work event that she was involved in - like drinks after work or football, he just would not allow me to express upset about those things and dismissed me as being 'ridiculous'. So I stopped mentioning it and quietly gritted my teeth, as I wanted the bad atmosphere to go away, not to make it worse.

So after loads of fabulous advice on here I tried snooping and did not get far at all. No idea of email password, blackberry blocked, no evidence on visa cards. Nothing. A RL friend suggested looking him in the eye and asking him to be honest and tell everything - she does not get him at all. He would not admit an affair as he has too much to lose. He loves me, loves DC, has been through 1 marriage breakup already and does not want to go through another. So I believe he stopped the affair to protect his marriage and family. BTW we were great before this started - happy, regular sex, every friday night out as couple, even a few nights away on own, so not a marriage in trouble at all, I didn't think.

BUT I am now struggling to get over this and let him back in. I can't be the same with him. I don't laugh genuinely at jokes, I can't connect emotionally with him and I don't want him to touch me. If I tell him why, he will deny everything so I feel there is no point opening up to him.

So I have carried on snooping and was really hopeful that I could get into his blackberry to read txts and emails. Then I did. I found his password in an old filofax of mine and I had an opportunity with him out and his phone left behind to go through it. My heart was pounding. I saw loads of boring work emails, quite a few friendly warm txts but nothing incriminating. The friendly txts were very cosy and intimate even but nothing that would show any inappropriate behaviour and if I mentioned them to him, would make me look paranoid and blow my cover and make him hide even more from me. Atleast he is relaxed enough to leave his phone lying around. But both txts and emails stopped showing beyond a few weeks - there was no way to scroll down further. I know he clears out his in-trays so I am now realising this is not the answer I hoped it would be. I can't think of other ways to find out for sure and am wondering how other people have found out about affairs. Short of getting him (or her!) blind drunk, then asking for confession I just feel stuck

fair enough, L2W

I know you don't want him to leave, so I will shut up now

I don't know what your H would chose, I don't know him or you.

My H chose single woman, no kids, left his DC's, who although at Uni do come home regularly, so ours is a warm, lively, family home.

So why did he chose to lose all that?

And yes steak and burger analogy might well apply here as well. I have been told OW 'isn't all that', 'no one would notice her', 'fades into the background.'

I have to say I'm no shrinking violet!!

I hope your H will chose you, if indeed it comes to that, but as you say you have no proof as yet, just suspicion.

That needs dealing with first.

Thanks wordweaver for book link

AF - you're right I don't want him to leave, but equally I can't just accept this and let it go as I do see infidelity as a deal breaker. But I don't get why it seems so clear on here that he should leave or that the problem is big enough for that, when I don't seem to get it that way. Maybe this whole posting thing makes slightly abnormal situations seem really off the scale??

Actually it wouldn't be the unfaithful thing that would make me want to kick him out if it were proved to be true, it would be this whole torture, the whole making me feel as though I was the one creating the issue - that would be the reason I would tell him to go. For calling me 'pathetic' when I mentioned her name in a suspicious way, for making me doubt myself and my sanity.

You are so right.

I have told my H that I can forgive the infidelity but not the lying and deceit, torturing my mind, or as I have since found out the 'gaslighting'.

Good luck, whatever happens.

I know I said would shut up

But the fact you feel, in your words, "tortured, the one to blame, doubtful of yourself and your sanity..."

and the problem isn't "big enough" ?

Now that, I don't get

And if anyone ever called me pathetic, someone who is supposed to love me, and respect me, and should be making my life easier not filled with suspicion and horror...then I would question why I was there

I honestly will hide the thread now, because I am obviously incapable of not butting in

all the best x

I was surprised by how easily my h 'confessed', even though he must have known I couldn't possibly have had conclusive evidence. it took about 10 minutes of gentle confrontation, persuasion and comforting (yes, sorry - pathetic i know).

But the first time he confessed to a complete lie (stranger, one-off kiss) which he let me believe for 4 months until I did put two and two together and realised it was in fact a full blown affair with his colleague.

But eventually I think he felt able to tell the truth because I had already said that whatever he had done wouldn't be the end of the line for us.

At the time I was absolutely desperate for the truth and I also didn't want to push him into a corner to such an extent that he did something really stupid, so I thought this was the right thing to do. But in retrospect, I realise that I gave away all my bargaining power right at the start, which was foolish. i think i could have given him the space and safety to tell the truth without going to that extent.

Sorry - I realise this isn't very good advice in itself because I made such a pigs ear of everything, but what I have learned is:

Don't just accept the first story he might tell you - question it and probe it and make sure it all adds up. If you feel in your bones that something is not right, then it probably isn't.

Give him a 'safe' space in which to tell the truth - hint that you know the truth anyway (even if you don't completely); but don;t give away too many of your snooping secrets

Trust your instincts and don;t be afraid to ask him. If he isn't having an affair and you ask him in a reasonable, calm way, then he should be anxious to reassure you and probably quite flattered that you are protective of your relationship.

Good luck and I am sorry you are in this position.

Sounds like you're gone AF but I appreciate the 'butting in' made me laugh as well as feel bit gutted.

I can't really believe I feel this bad about myself and relationship. I've always been the strong one in my friendship groups - several of my friends have been through divorce, some with really bad situations, and I've been one of the strong people giving advice and supporting them and now I'm in a mess. I can see why some people choose to ignore unfaithfulness and turn a blind eye. But I don't think that what I'm doing because if I had proof I would use it. Infact I was so delighted when I found his blackberry code because I was convinced i would find evidence - I even had a pen ready to write down stuff. So I do want to know.

Thanks MrsJ - the safe space is a good idea. I wouldn't mind lying and saying I will forgive all - then stepping back from that.

I remember your last thread, sorry to hear things still arent right. Ive been in a similar position , and i KNEW , almost straight away . When asked he would blatently lie and accuse me of being paranoid ect , it was awful.

I eventually found evidence , it changed nothing and in fact made things worse. There was no real apology on his part, just a range of excuses , and that was that. He was also furious that i had found out and i think he felt i had spoilt their affair.

At the time i was stupidly open to trying to salvage something, but i thought back to all the other times id suspected him of lying and realised it really wasnt the first time, hed had previous affairs and also lied about other things too ie money.

Like Af says , when someone whos meant to love you calls you pathetic, and you end up feeling tortured, somethings terribly wrong. You really dont need evidence, your feelings are enough, theyre rareley wrong.

Sorry, id be telling him to leave unless he can be honest with you, i couldnt stay married to a liar.

L2W reading all these posts has made me realise that I wish I had received advice like this.

I told no one in RL of my suspicions, nor had I discovered MN.

I hope all the advice isn't too confusing or scary, you must trust your instincts and decide what is best for your future happiness.

Dittany - he isn't an awful person, really. Now I'm wondering if I've exaggerated what I've said. My friend's would say he is charming, difficult to live with perhaps, grumpy at times, but funny too and adoring of me - they would and have really said that, that he adores me. I'm sure I can be a pain and he would always worry that I'm going to threaten his drinks after work or football so is partic defensive about those evetns and they do coincide with her.

Partytime - it is very scary. The sand is appealing right now. I don't want this to be true because if it is, and I haven't exaggerated wildly, then I need to face up to confronting him about it, or further probbing and a possible ending of 'us'. I just don't want to be in that situation. We're going to a family wedding in a few weeks and I keep thinking I can't address it before that event as my family all love him and I just couldn't face them without him.

I really am so sorry you are going through this.

My head was well and truly buried in the sand.

All our friends and family cannot believe H actions, he played adoring husband and father to perfection.

Why would you want to end it with him, if you love him that much.

As I said earlier, I wouldn't have thrown him out, I would have wanted to repair the damage.

I hope having some time clarifies your feelings.

loves2walk I am sorry you are still feeling unhappy about your marriage.

You have had lots of good advice here but I do think it has been a bit one sided.

You dont seem to consider it a real possibility that your husband has done absolutley NOTHING wrong with this other woman.

a lot is said about instinct in relation to these things. Instincts are NOT always right!

Either a) he is having /has had an affair and is denying it and your instincts are right

b) He has done no such thing and your perceptions/instincts whatever you want to call them are wrong.

I don't think you have given much consideration to b)

Just because some women whose husbands WERE unfaithful felt like you do does NOT mean that yours is the same.

Please take a step back as all the advice here ( I am not knocking it at all , just suggesting balance is needed) is assuming option a) is correct.

Dittany Have I missed something ? You said "fine apart from one flaw - having an affair and lying about it " There is no proof OPs husband had an affair.

I was in a long term relationship where my partner was convinced I was having an affair. I wasn't.

If he had presented me with your 1 - 6 list above despite my repeated reassurances and NO PROOF of an affair I would have ended the relationship at that point

partytime I am very sorry to hear your suspicions were eventually proved correct.

But this is not evidence things will turn out the same for loves2walk just because she is feeling the same as you were

Estuardo - I agree and did say as much in one of my previous posts.

I suggested she take time whilst H is away to consider her options and possible outcomes.

I sympathsised with her feelings and hope that she finds a resolution either way.

thanks partytime. I am really concerned that most people here have concluded her husband is guilty, and have called him some terrible things

Thank you all for different bits of advice.

It's all getting muddled for me right now so I'm oof to bed to try and distract myself by planning what the hell I'm going to hear to this wedding.

But look, I am pretty sure something happened but have no proof so my instinct could be entirely wrong and i don't want to risk and otherwise good relationship on the basis of instinct. However the lack of respect was definately there, at that time, and after my last thread on it i did address it and was open about how bad I had been feeling. I said I had thought about leaving and that I had withdrawn to protect myself. But since then he has been trying and not engaging in social/work things nearly as much. He has had no opportunity recently, because he has not sought out opportunity.

I don't think he's emotionally abusive - just stroppy and I'm a classic pleaser and want all around me to be happy and in harmony. So I mop up the negative emotions.

Your advice about the blackberry, dittany, would cause so much hassle. He would be so offended if I asked him there and then to give me access to email and texts. He would be furious. But then I think he would have been even years ago when there was no OW on scene. I realise that's unreasonable, if nthing to hide what's the problem, but he would say we shouldn't need to be so intrusive into each others things.

Is no answer for now, am off to bed. Many thanks for all comments

excuse spelling - way past my bedtime!

Estuardo, but he has done something wrong hasnt he ? He obviously had some sort of infatuation with this woman because he openly told his wife about it. He then continued to see her despite the op being hurt about it , along with refusing to discuss it, taking his locked phone everywhere with him, calling the op ridiculous and refusing to acknowledge her feelings ( isnt that a form of emotional abuse btw ?) Oh, and hes got previous.

If my spouse was deeply upset at something that was only a innocent freindship, my phone wouldnt be locked, emails password protected and i would be open and understanding to my spouses discomfort, in fact i would introduce said freind to the family.

Who the fuck tells their wife they fancy someone at work, goes off to spend time with her and cant understand why she would be worried ?

And Estuardo, your partner who thought you were having an affair, presumably you gave him no grounds to beleive this, like telling him you fancied this bloke ?

in other situations people would applaud a husband for honesty about their feelings towards someone else. SHould he have kept those feelings to himself?

Yes he was a bit arsey for a while - and has apologised. It's a big jump to conclude he has had an affair/might still be having one