Please Validate my reality asap

[pinemartina]

this page is my back story

My parents visiting today.
Saw solicitor re access for xp and baby ,yesterday
He "caught" me - rang landline I picked up - but was ok, asked about access,accepted that letter on way soon,then asked after dc's and if I wanted help ...heard my m in background,asked after them....

I'm changing baby with m + d in front room,dc's coming on from school 1 by 1...in walks xp.
straight into room ,sits on sofa and greets m
+d and asks how they are.

They start to chat! I stand up with baby and ask him to leave..he appeals to m+d "look folks,you know how she is, i love her and kids and want to help...

Iask him to come into kitchen away from evryone he carries on with victim crap ...sympathy offered by them...

Igo into kitchen he follows SHOUTS IN MY FACE im holding baby,he wont shut door so all in front room can hear,every so often he yells OW - DONT DO THAT and calls to m an d that I am losing plot and he is trying to help and begging me to be reasonable

no one comes to see
he is doing this foir 1 hour
shouting shouting

he pops into see them few times pleading for help that i am ill and he wants to see baby and wants to help me but I am too difficult to cope with

they agree and are sympathetic

he SHOUTS IN MY FACE FOR AGES - YOUVE DONE IT NO MAN WILL TOUCH YOU,YOUR POOR KIDS AND XH'S ---loads of details then about my family that i have told him in confidence he tells them but twists it ,they BELIEVE EVERYTHING HE SAYS

HE goes to have chat wth my mum in private then leaves.

he has told her that i am ill and denying him contact and abusinf him and kids

she had a go at me why am i like this

my dc's crying she pretends not to notice

they refused to go home i asked them to they are sitting round my table having tea wth my dc's chatting happily

i am ignored as if invisible

m said why do i do this all my life

he is trying so hard she said =i told her hv witnessed verbal abusew did they not hear him shout

she says funny how men always end up doing that to me isnt it time i looked at why instead of calling it abuse?

she says come on dc's lets not keep on with this nonsense

now says please dont keep on or changes subject if i speak

i am invisible
i am everyone's problem

losing reality

phoned wa
said tell parents to go = they wont til later

i am totally losing it

i really need my reality validated

how do i live like this

feel like disappearing....i am the problem to thesespeople

sorry for appalling spelling dont worry typing one hand bf'ing baby and crying
MN is a more real place to me than RL right now

Well I naively moved here (from one of the cities I listed )with xh2 as a downsize and escape to the country....
I started here with barely any mortgage due to equity from my house and divorce from xh1 and v low house prices here at the time.

I now have 120k mortgage having bailed out xh2 numerous times,lost money moving x2 and my maintenance and settlement TO HIM and divorce costs ...

And 3 more dc's

The dc's do enjoy a safe,green and pleasant,old fashioned life.And are bi-lingual.And education system here is good - small schools,no SATS, very few social probs in school,all very cosy and safe for them....

They get city life,too,when at their fathers every other weekend

But the sacrifice is mine

But then,that's the point of my life..to get it right for them

You need to tell your parents they are no longer welcome.

Say the reason is that

• They let your ex in
• They allowed him to intimidate you in your own home and approved of it
• They told your children to go behind your back
• They told your children the way your ex was treating you was acceptable

Say that unless they are prepared to apologise profusely for all of this, they will not see you or the children.

So you moved to Tinytown, away from your personal support networks, using your personal money to set up the gilded cage. Then he required you to put up your cage as security against his personal finances.

Fuck me, he's textbook

Yes, and that one was easy to get rid of emotionally ,if expensive.He was so passive I locked the door,put his stuff outside and that was it.
Luckily,there was no sexual dimension and only together 3 years ...hmmm that's about my limit,it seems....so I just...stopped thinking about him.End of.

He wants to be friends again now.
I can quite enjoy the odd chat with him about a book/poem/article and no "side" to it at all.I'm in control and we rarely meet,but always polite and "decent"...
(but I was always in control with him..)

Wanted to say that ,just to describe myself other than as the confused,brainwashed,soppy jelly that I seem to have become.

I surrendered happily to xp...relieved to find someone who could "handle me " at last.
I remember thinking that at the start

Can't believe where I 've got to
Have been reading about gaslighting today and realising how xp is exact;y like my mother - as well as exactly like my father - which I knew already.

Stunned at how unsorted I really am after all the work I 've done over the years.

Really need to re define and find new direction,not to be going around this loop any more.

Yeah, it's got plenty to do with that "handle me" business, hasn't it? Funny how your parents define you as "difficult", "problematic", "needs taking in hand". You might have rejected their words, but you still defined yourself by their rules, didn't you?

Took me 45 years to get over that one myself. So you're still ahead

While I'm here, PM, I thought I'd pass on a little bit of What Grace Has Learned. Ignore it if you like.

I married H#2, gaslighter extraordinaire, because I thought he was "normal". What I failed to realise was that: [a] I was evaluating normality by abnormal standards (so was on a loser from the start); [b] I was still thinking black-and-white, like a damaged person (normal people are a bit crazy, too); [c] the only ideals of compatibility I knew were dysfunctional (so was unable to tell whether we were compatible or not, normally speaking.)

The real reason I've been single & celibate for so long is that I'm waiting until I've balanced meself properly. May never happen, heh! Which is not to say I think it's the only approach - but I am trying to say this may be the right time for you to start that therapy you've been putting off

Must stop winking. twitch in me eye

pm sorry just read this and am shocked to the core at your parents behaviour.
I would not let them near me or my cildren again. I would write them a letter to that effect.
Easier said I know, these type of people dont let go of their prey that easy do they.
Just wanted to add my support. Try and stay strong. You are the sane one.

Can you have chains on the door so people cannot barge in past small children?

DO - WA are coming to put an alarm on my phone and advise re what can be done to the door - it's not a yale lock is the problem.
The police are t to it being a civil matter, because I didn't call them at the time....

trsf - I lurk on SH thread and am always interested in anyone succeeding in no contact.
I did write just such a letter 3 years ago following my m arriving at my last home late at night and accusing me of shaming and embarrassing her and SIL by starting new relationship (with xp) when in their view I should have remained single following 2nd divorce.
She woke up dc's with shrieking and throwing stuff,and wouldn't leave,told dc's I was a bad m..denied it next day,dc's wouldnt go to see her...
That letter was circulated to all my relatives and parents friends,most of whom dropped contact with me - both brothers act as if I am dead ,but all try to get to see and speak to dc's and want contact with them but without me.

I was considered a cold hearted bitch who attacked her parents and denied them contact with their G-kids - still seen like this back there,one of reasons for moving....

Because they also showed it around the small community where we then lived - (parents moved there within months of me,brothers followed.)
I was ostracised by many and gossiped about and blanked . It influenced colleagues and clients due to smallness of community (and minds,obviously)
On my 40th birthday ,I had cards from dc's and no one else....

No one will be surprised to learn that it was xp himself who organised and engineered the "surprise" reconciliation,which I thought was kind if misguided at the time......

So, not sure how I will deal with it now.As you can imagine,the crap stuff is way worse since we've been back in touch ...they still hold the same views and spew them regularly,then deny ,or say I said it,or twisted their words. I despise them and will be relieved when they die.
I have told dc's I wont be speaking to Granny on the phone again - they are not fond of Gp's and see what they are like - also that I dont want to see them...but taking steps...not sure yet...

Grace - I've had shed loads of therapy over the years and totally agree with your lessons - especially in not knowing what is healthy compatibility.
As i keep repeating incredulously to myself --I thought I'd cracked it before meeting xp,and that he was the healthiest,steadiest match I'd met.....

Talking about that on the phone to WA today ,the woman listening said he must have been highly skilful at reading and mirroring and fed me exactly what I was looking for

• eg I may not have given out the wrong signals at the start,but what I did not do was set my bar high enough in tolerating slowly emerging crap behaviour from him..

I have been struck on MN by how many posts involve very assertive straight-talking women telling others to "get rid" or "dump him" ,where others will give the benefit of the doubt or think it early days ,even where there has been a long partnership.

I have come to admire the zero tolerance message just through reading posts...I think there lies my problem....

Someone posted earlier on another thread words to the effect that a potential partner should consider themselves very very lucky to be given a chance to get to know you..

That's the way to go,I'm sure,for me

although I wont be seeking any for the foreseeable future .....

So many thanks for everyone here
I have gained far more on MN than through years of therapy.....

pm I remember your back story...and read your first post here with HORROR.

Your parents don't know what they're talking about (and that's being kind to them as they're old).

Only you know the reality. Trust your instincts - they are right. Just like your kids know.

You are doing wonderfully.

Sending you hugs(non-mn type), love and strength.

pm, i simply can't read and not post how awesome you are, and how much i admire your strength. Your dc are wonderful, and proof if ever any were needed that you are the reason they are as great as they are. I wish you all the luck in the world for this new journey of yours, the path to happiness and freedom. Huge hug, while no one's looking!

Yes therapy is good, but I agree. MN has an entire culture of self esteem doesn't it? Where there are lots of paople, saying that certain things are completely unacceptable. There's strength in numbers....it makes it normal.

When like us, you are surrounded by monstrous families and partners....that becomes normal.

The negative stuff I have internalised and belive about myself is just terrible...hence wrong marriages.

That's why NC has to be the way forward. My mother has started to email a friend of mine....I can see the defining of me beginning already...I must have caused the trouble, because that's what I do. I can see it now though.

Would you consider moving PM? I know it's disruptive to the dc's, but if it helps to stop this, maybe worth considering?

That's spot on - a culture of self esteem - you've described it exactly!

That's unique and priceless when,as you rightly say,we are -surrounded by monstrous families and partners - and have normalised and internalised a lifetime of crap and repeating patterns.

The validation and alternative,healthy normality which is literally on tap here could could,I think,only come from a hell of a lot of therapy and a particularly high functioning therapeutic community - and there are precious few of those around these days .

I would love to move,well a big part of me would. I may decide to eventually.We only came here a year ago,though and work and money wise I can't do anything for at least 18mths to 2 yrs,so meanwhile I will try to make a life for me here

• I chose this town because it is considered arty and alternative,and it is very beautiful... I have been too busy staying sane and trying to make it work with a hopeless mad knobhead to give it a go!

what an awful time - i agree your older DCS are wonderful. sit with them and agree that neither your m or d or exP ever come in house again.

potentially will be awkward as they will know times your dcs come from school? you need to think a plan? eg if dd and ex/gps arrive at door at same tiem - a way for dd to come in but not them...

this does not mean they cannot see them - just in public eg cafe for time being.

your home needs to be a safe place for you and dcs. your ex and your parents crossed a line - they have to be barred.

stay firm. however much they bargain and plead. my exP has tried and tried to step over the threshold - has succeeded on occasions with child carers when i not been there - but seems now to have message when i am there.

you not denying contact with baby - you offering safe and supervised.

i think also tho you do need to be ready to call police if they do barge in. make it clear to them in writing - not to visit house, can arrange public places to emet with dcs (if dcs want) .

Afternoon PM< have you got rain up there as well? It's yucky here.
How are you doing today? and your DC's? I did mean it about giving my number to your DD's, I am haoppy for them to call me if they are worried, but of course it WONT come to that because they will NOT be coming into your house again because you are strong enough to stop them.
I hope all teh message on here will help bolster your will as well, not one person has said that you should let them in, what does that tell you?!

Lots of housework to do so I have to run, I must borrow your DD1 at some point...
x

I spoke to solicitor today and have sent a letter to xp warning him that,due to his escalating abusive ,threatening behaviour, he must not make any attempt to contact me ,or to communicate with me in any way.

If he does,the police will be called and a harassment order initiated.

Reference is made to Child Protection proceedings and verbal and emotional abuse in the presence of my dc's and elderly p's (!)

He is invited to address any response to my solicitor.

End of.

It will be up to him to initiate any contact arrangements .I will not be making any offers.

I really feel unsettled at what his reaction will be and what he might do - no idea what I fear exactly.....

He will HATE me now.Shouldn't care at all ,don't in a way ...but.....I have a sad feeling about the hurt ,lost,boy inside him who has now really lost something that could have been lovely ...(I know he didn't want it)... it's the last tie with my unreal ,pretend love that I thought was real.

No going back,only forward now.

WELL DONE!

Very drunk so will just say that. That must have taken a lot, I cna only imagine, so well done. And remember, it's nothing more than he truly deserves.

His hate, for what it's worth, is unlikely to be any more dangerous than his "love". He would have to work quite hard to treat you any worse than he has already been doing.

Pity the lost boy by all means, but you cannot save someone who refuses to be saved.

Annie thanks for that - excellent- I'm writing it down and keeping it on me today.x

PM Well done you . I'm not sure if you realise what an incredibly strong individual you truly are.
Re the NC with you P's I just wanted to say that if both my p's had stayed together I'm not sure I would have been able to go NC when I did. They had far more power together than they do now they are apart. The power has been split in two. My mother would use other family members to get to me, especially my father. She cant do that now. Just wanted you to know that because I recognise how hard it is.
With the right support though you can do it. I believe your parents are like poison to you PM. In time you will break free. One step at a time. x

Just following on from Smithfield, PM ... My 'process' started when my father died. With hindsight, he did me a massive favour. Don't worry too much about your dad's health; his life script will reach its proper conclusion. Afterwards, there'll be one less 'writer' interfering with your own.

Thanks ,G and trsf.

My m rang this am. Not a word about what happened ,not an enquiry about any of us,just a weather report,her plans for today and pained accusations that I never ring them...the usual in other words...

As usual I barely spoke.As usual,she didn't notice.
And,as usual,it made me feel,sick,exposed,guilty and interfered with...

I am more angry with them than I've ever been - and more hurt by it.

More with them than xp...
A police man just came round to take more details following my report and also because the health visitor had contacted them too.

He said they would attend immediately if he comes to the house. Said that what I described was a risk to dc's and must not be tolerated around children.

He offered to go and speak to him but said he would expect to be told it was all my fault.I didn't want to give xp the gratification of getting stuck in about me to police in full-on charmer persona,so I asked him to leave it for now.

He advised me not to contact xp myself or speak to him if he rings.

I know that if not for this,I would have been txing him before now.

Just come back from long walk in the sun in local NT gardens ,with dd3 and baby.Tried very hard to stay in positive energy and did quite well...hard not to notice all the couples with baby's "everywhere"....

Then back to my street where curtains twitch as the police call to the house where all those children live....

Try not to make asumptions about the curtain-twitchers, PM. I lived opposite a lady with 3 young kids and, sometimes, her husband. There was often a lot of aggro emanating from their house; when I mentioned it to other neighbours, it turned out he was horrendously abusive and police were constantly trying to get rid of him. We kept a silent, collective eye open for her. One night he broke down her front door. ALL the neighbours phoned the police! He was arrested (now in prison, hurrah) and she was afforded proper support services. The kids were visibly happier from the very next day onwards.

People aren't always as dumb as they seem

Updating....

Noticing that I am starting to remember loads.....no,make that LOADS...of nasty,really unbelievably nasty stuff....numerous big scenes,but also - worse ,really, little things that xp said and did pretty much all the time

--even when I was enjoying what I thought was a nice time,when I thought things were ok----

This is good - it's countering all the soppy memories I have been preoccupied with during my pregnancy ,and since baby born.....in fact,it's overwriting them in my mind,if that makes sense....

But it's also horrifying and somehow embarrassing ........

I thought about posting examples.....but decided that I wouldn't because I would be engaging with nasty ,negative stuff in an unhealthy way by writing out details......and also,I do feel embarrassed and ashamed....

I know from the responses to things I have described already ,and what I have read on other posts,what the reaction would be!

And rightly so......that is the most powerful aspect of posting for me - that internalising of the voices of MN!!!!

That is what is going on in my head when these memories pop up ! -

• instead of thinking sadly about my "lost soulmate" I remember a dreadful scene or remark and imagine the responses of posters if I >did< post it,whilst still trying to stick it out ,or wailing about the pain.....

That is really good therapy!!!

It is a long way down the road to actually owning that high regard myself.....which I aim to do...

So I am using disembodied voices in virtual reality as role models ...!!!!!!!!
Effectively,this is,to an extent, being re- parented by MN !!!!!!!!!!
omg

MN has been so powerful for me in confronting the reality of my situation and -most importantly - > sticking with it< - I am sure I would have gone back into his reality by now - really sure - if not for the validation and encouragement I have received from posters here....

Somehow,I have been able to "honour" the ,clearly sensible, unanimous advice to "get rid" in the face of crap behaviour and treatment,in a way that I was not doing before I started posting ....

.....Where else can anyone tap in ,24hrs,to positive validation from so many strong, articulate,intelligent and interested women?

The advice on Relationships is often judgemental and outspoken,possibly not always comfortable to hear,usually empathetic and compassionate ,but is always consistent...

reading other posts has provided as much support and validation as the responses to my own...

So - far from free of all this yet,but really starting to get somewhere.....

Loads of thanks......

My mother is phoning the house hourly all day.I do not pick up,just check 1471 to find out who....She has managed to speak to dc's after school when they have picked up,but they give excuses - mum's in the bath,getting in the washing,whatever....She will confront them soon ,and I will have to take a stand in some way.....She will have bought some present for dc's which they will "need" to bring,that's the usual....something which can't be posted.....that they will really want (until they see it...)

I have realised I am finding it easier to move away in my mind from xp than mother...