Please Validate my reality asap

[pinemartina]

this page is my back story

My parents visiting today.
Saw solicitor re access for xp and baby ,yesterday
He "caught" me - rang landline I picked up - but was ok, asked about access,accepted that letter on way soon,then asked after dc's and if I wanted help ...heard my m in background,asked after them....

I'm changing baby with m + d in front room,dc's coming on from school 1 by 1...in walks xp.
straight into room ,sits on sofa and greets m
+d and asks how they are.

They start to chat! I stand up with baby and ask him to leave..he appeals to m+d "look folks,you know how she is, i love her and kids and want to help...

Iask him to come into kitchen away from evryone he carries on with victim crap ...sympathy offered by them...

Igo into kitchen he follows SHOUTS IN MY FACE im holding baby,he wont shut door so all in front room can hear,every so often he yells OW - DONT DO THAT and calls to m an d that I am losing plot and he is trying to help and begging me to be reasonable

no one comes to see
he is doing this foir 1 hour
shouting shouting

he pops into see them few times pleading for help that i am ill and he wants to see baby and wants to help me but I am too difficult to cope with

they agree and are sympathetic

he SHOUTS IN MY FACE FOR AGES - YOUVE DONE IT NO MAN WILL TOUCH YOU,YOUR POOR KIDS AND XH'S ---loads of details then about my family that i have told him in confidence he tells them but twists it ,they BELIEVE EVERYTHING HE SAYS

HE goes to have chat wth my mum in private then leaves.

he has told her that i am ill and denying him contact and abusinf him and kids

she had a go at me why am i like this

my dc's crying she pretends not to notice

they refused to go home i asked them to they are sitting round my table having tea wth my dc's chatting happily

i am ignored as if invisible

m said why do i do this all my life

he is trying so hard she said =i told her hv witnessed verbal abusew did they not hear him shout

she says funny how men always end up doing that to me isnt it time i looked at why instead of calling it abuse?

she says come on dc's lets not keep on with this nonsense

now says please dont keep on or changes subject if i speak

i am invisible
i am everyone's problem

losing reality

phoned wa
said tell parents to go = they wont til later

i am totally losing it

i really need my reality validated

how do i live like this

feel like disappearing....i am the problem to thesespeople

sorry for appalling spelling dont worry typing one hand bf'ing baby and crying
MN is a more real place to me than RL right now

Your kids are amazing PM and what a wonderful validation of you as a mum they are - that these little people are able to identify horrible behaviour and help to support you.
I agree that you can and should take legal action to bar your parents from your home: if you feel you must see your father again then you can always agree to meet him in a public place. But your parents' behaviour is putting you and DC in physical danger from your XP who is clearly quite happy to use intimidation and violence to get his own way.

How are you this morning? Thinking about you lots.

PM, I am so sorry, I missed this last night and have to go out for a few hours now.
PLEASE do not let your parents in, they are as bad as him, you knwo this, you do not need them in your lives.
Thank god for your perfectly well balanced, lovely children, do you see what lovely, kind thoughtful kids you have raised? YOU did that, so you can't be what they say you are.
Now I am late, text or call me if you need to, take care.

Your children are amazing, what a fantastic job of bringing them up you are doing, you are a great mum.
I agree with the others, take the steps you need to and make sure your parents never set foot in your house again. Change locks, put a chain on the door, whatever is needed. Write and tell them that you are happy to meet them in future in public, but because of their behaviour last night they are not welcome in your home. I would say that if either they or your XP repeat their forcible occupation of your house you will call the police immediately.
In fact, I'd log the incident with the police today so that it is on record in case you do have to call them in future.

Totally agree with fluffyone. If you log it with the police today, it is done. They need not know that you have done it, so it will not inflame things. You will have set the precendent that you CAN call the police, and the knowledge that you have some real life back up if necessary.

You have fantastic children PM, be very proud. Your parenst & xp are creating some kind of bizarre hell for you, please be strong! You will come out of this the better, stronger person with 5 amazing children.

PM, I am in awe of you and your children. Your kids are absolutely wonderful and you are too. You're gaining strength and managing to see through your parents and xp. Speak to WA again, speak to HV, speak to the police. You need all reinforcements you can get to keep you and your children safe.

YOU CAN DO THIS, YOU KNOW YOU CAN

I don't post very often but this had me in tears and I just wanted to say I think you're amazing!

What a fantastic mother you are - you must be so proud of your children - and of yourself for managing to break this awful cycle of abuse.

Thank you all so much.. I have had a bad night.. baby very unsettled and I really struggled to keep being calm enough for her - you know how the cycle goes ,I'm sure.

It always gets intense in the early hours,too

I am trying to hang on to the positives..reading books by Stuart Wilde and Martha Beck ..trying affirm positivity and get the right sort of energy flowing

Being m to dc's ,and ensuring I do exactly the opposite to my m has been the main purpose in my life since dd1 born.

I used to feel like killing myself most of the time and used to self harm/drink/do stuff etc for years before she was born,and really struggled with the thoughts re all that while eldest dd's were tiny
But since dd2 about 2yrs (is 12 now),have mostly kept on top of worst of it

except,it seems,when it comes to abusive relationships

I have never had a relationship in which I have not been bullied...some friendships more recently,but frequently get bullied at work... ironically am currently on tribunal due to accusations that I have bullied someone

Sorry if rambling..
just feel..... 1.- very pleased and relieved to hear everyone say good things about dc's and me because if I failed them,I would not carry on,no other point to my life at all
and 2.- I have to get a grip on my life and not be abused any more

I have had a "waking up" to reality experience SO many times...
The sort of abuse has been different each time,but ffs - I must be doing something to keep getting it

which of course ,is what parents have always said..in fact father would say it while beating me and shouting in my face (exactly as xp did yesterday and the bastard used the same words cos I told him what they were and father,hearing,says yes poor xp ,I know where you're coming from)

I have lived with gaslighting as a totally normal reality all my life - knowing what it is and knowing it's being done but accepting it somehow as my own fault when done to me

I really need to get some sanity

I'm going to report last night to the police,now, I think

I think you are wonderful and so strong. x

Your children are a credit to you.

This thread is truly shocking.

Much love to you xxx

"The sort of abuse has been different each time,but ffs - I must be doing something to keep getting it"

You are not doing anything wrong - it was your parents who mistreated you and programmed you to accept this behaviour as normal. I don't know the best way of getting sanity but I am sure other posters on here can give you some good advice on this. Can you go to your HV or GP and see if you can get referred for some kind of counselling? Maybe this could help you reprogramme yourself to understand that abuse isn't your fault? And maybe try to keep away from any new relationships until you've had time to get your head together.

You are doing brilliantly. Keep strong for your children - one day at a time.

I think you, and your children, sound amazing. You have clearly done exactly what you intend to, and brought them up in a polar opposite to the way your parents did - your kids sound wonderful, grounded, intelligent, and loving. They know exactly what is being done to you, and aren't fooled by your parents or XP. And you sound very very strong - I know it can't feel like it right now, but you really do. You must be, to have survived your parent's upbringing - they shouldn't be allowed near children full stop, let alone your wonderful kids.

police said it's a civil matter beacause he didn't force entry and I didn't call police and I allowed him to talk to me for i and a half hours and only informed them this am

and he hasn't actually hit me so tell them if h does

and they said my parents have a different view of it all and wont be witness to my position so it all sounds like 6 of one half dozen of other

this is true I'm not making it up

the woman said how can someone stop you getting to a phone without touching you

surely your parents would have intervened if it was actually that bad

break ups are always difficult ,she said

told me to sort it out with a solicitor

solicitor in court all today

WA said speak to solicitor tomorrow

I left a message for HV to contact me re child protection

Morning PM, you do sound a bit brighter this morning, sorry you had a shitty night.
I think you have hit the key by saying you have lived with it all your life, if you were brought up with 2 parents tellign you that's what you deserved then subconsciously you have gone for men who can treat you that way. Luckily now you can see that you are not that person, and you certainly do not deserve to be treated that way. I am furious with your parents on your behalf. How DARE they allow him to speak to their daughter like that. Get ANGRY with them, you should be, and they certainly deserve it.

Agree with calling police and HV and WA, isn't it your meeting thing today as well? (just done run, brain failing) Tell everyone so they can reaffirm to you what we have said.

I know you don't feelstrong right now but you really are, and you are moving out of the fog of your exp.

(I am having car issues atm but will come up next week, or you are welcome down here for the day once you are mobile if you want a change of scenery.)

thanks Jack x

Oh sweetheart, what a bunch of cocks.

NO other advice really, but honestly, they are useless.

'the woman said how can someone stop you getting to a phone without touching you'

Fucking hell, I am properly shcked by that. Is there a domestic violence unit there? that is an appalling thing to say, unfortunately a lot of us on here can believe that all top readily, so bully for her she can't for you. Ignore them, at least it is on file so next time you can ring.
If you feel you really won't be able to give your DD1 my number and tell her to ring me if she is worried like that and I will ring them.

OH we are xposting quite impressively now

PM just read your OP and feel sick. I don't post much but your OP moved me so much. Can't really add much except to concur with the others. You are an amazing and strong woman to have lived your life with those pond scum for parents and come out as the fantastic person you are (I've read many of your posts in the past and this is clear).

Your DCs sound like amazing young people, a testament to the upbringing you have given them. I bet your M is eaten up with envy at the bond between you and your DCs, no wonder she is happy to use your XP to try to break you apart. Please don't let these fuckers into your life again to do this, or try to put up some boundaries so they can't do to you what they did yesterday. If you have to meet them, can you get an adult witness to be with you as back up? A big, hard ask, I know, but their ganging up on you and trying to make you seem like the mad one scares me on your behalf.

Like others have said, don't beat yourself up about having had bad relationships/made bad choices. You were brought up to believe abuse was normal and I do believe that abusers can sniff out an abuse victim a mile away, charm them, seem to meet their needs then turn on them and exploit them before they know what's what. It's happened to me in personal and work matters too. What is important is that you recognised what was going on with your exP and got out.

It would be so easy for you to just give in and be like your m & d and exP, an abuser and a victim forever. But you have not done that. You are strong and have chosen to live a decent life and be a decent mother. You are 1 billion times better than any of them, don't forget that.

Will be thinking of you. All my best wishes.

We are all here to help you remember that none of this is normal, none of this is your fault and that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Ok the individual at the poice station didn't get it. That was only one person, try DV unit, or family safety unit, ask the people running your freedom programme who would be better to speak to...midwife, HV Gp any one and everyone! You need some very solid support in place, as this is just terrible, for you, and you dc's.

Get your GP to refer you for appropraite therapy. Today.

Make it all about you, because you are a fantastic person and an amazing mum.

Thank you ,tihif;m;Bor
All lovely,much appreciated

I have left messages and followed up with all parties ,but no responses as yet. It's a different matrix altogether out here in the sticks...

Wish I could wave a wand and be living in ...Bristol,Bath,Cambridge,Brighton,Oxford ...any multi-cultural ,arty town... where I believe the 21st century is acknowledged and enjoyed instead of Trumpton/RoystonVasey....

You poor thing. I have been on receiving end of parents being nice to abusive exh but nowhere near this! They are crazed.

Keep strong and revel in how lovely and intelligent your children obviously are - surely a validation that you are an excellent mother to have brought them up so well.

Keep posting x

at royston vasey, never a truer word spoken. Although DD1 still insists it was Balamory.
x

Why do you live in Royston Vasey...whose decision was that?

I know know why I live in bumpkin land....middle of nowhere...easier to control who you see, easier to limit social life, and any other human interaction.

I have deliberately sought heklp in the local big towns...ie freedom programme, for precisely this reason.