Just found out about an affair.

[Lucy85]

Hi,

My husband came home last night and told me he'd been having an affair. Things haven't been right between us for ages but in the last few weeks we had turned a bit of a corner.

I am devastated. I can't stop crying or thinking about him shagging someone else. Does anyone know how you can get over this?

You need to find out whether he loves her and whether he wants to stay with you.

Is the affair over?

Suggest you go for counselling either alone or as a couple- and talk about why he needed to look elsewhere. For most men it's an ego boost and they are looking for something they are not getting from their wives, be that emotional or physical closeness.

Your marriage can survive- if you both truly want that.

so sorry for you lucy just bumping for you so someone can come along soon with some good advice

Is he still having it? Is he staying or leaving? My heart goes out to you. An affair is a massive mountain to overcome.Counselling for both of you?

He says it's over but only because her husband found out. he came round last night with a hammer and broke the glass in my front door. So we called the police etc etc.

I'm just so heartbroken. I can't stop thinking about it - even at my loneliest post-baby stage it never crossed my mind to turn to someone else.

I know I have the strength to provide for me and my little one, but I don't know if I have the strength to forgive. He said it was partly my fault - but it's not my fault he's gone off with someone else, it's only my fault that our marriage wasn't the best it could have been, 100% of the time surely?

I wanted to talk to him about another child, he;s not been keen and now I understand why. He only wants to stay if I'm not going to hold this over him forever- but how can I not? I can never trust him again??

Lucy. You are in shock at the moment and may not take these words in, but you have my huge sympathy. When something like this happens, it feels as though the world has stopped turning on its axis.

To clarify then, he has been having an affair, only told you about it when you were going to find out about by other means, exposed you to a violent scene and criminal damage of your home and says it was partly your fault? And is providing conditions for staying with you i.e. he will only do so if you forgive and forget?

It is entirely possible to recover from an affair and build a stronger marriage, but not with your H's mindset.

You are quite right. The affair was not your fault at all. Both of you shared equal responsibility for the marriage and therefore equal responsibility for your actions when things got tough. Your husband had a range of behaviour choices to fix your marriage if he felt unhappy; having an affair was by far the worst choice and don't you dare take responsibility for that. That was his choice and his alone.

He needs to take full responsibility for his actions and this will only work in the future if he is genuinely sorry, never once blames you for his choices and gets to the bottom of his own character and why he chose to do something he knew was fundamentally wrong.

Please don't allow him to do a number on you - in your shoes I would be telling him the marriage is over and then watch and wait for how he behaves. This man needs a reality check.

There is lots of support on here for you too - so do use it.

I would like to echo what whenwillifeelnormal wrote.

You will feel so many emotions over the next few days & weeks, I went from wanting to batter the living daylights out of him to just wanting him to comfort me and make it all better, from one minute to the next.

I know! It's weird, I need comforting but then I just want to stab his eyes with a fork. A blunt, rusty one.

How could he? How do ever trust him or anyone ever again? How do I face life on my own? How do I face life with him?

I'm only 33 so young enough to meet someone else but I don't want to go through all that hassle to be hinest. Not the greatest reason in the world for staying. I feel like I'm such a mug. So naive and trusting, but we have been together for 12 years.

What have you told him you want to do?

If you've said you'll try and get past it, it's too soon for you to come to that decision and you should retract it. From what you say, it sounds like that would be the wrong thing to do right now.

What is he prepared to do? Please don't ever accede to a request to "get back to normal" because that can never, ever happen.

The source of your hurt cannot be the source of your comfort Lucy.

WhenwillI's right, he needs a reality check.

If you feel strong enough to go on ahead into a more positive life with your DC then I'd encourage you to do so.

Your H's arrogance and the spin he's trying to put on his infidelity is concerning. It is not your fault, no-one deserves this.

There are so many positive ways a considerate person could seek to alter a relationship for the better and an affair isn't one of them.

You are bound to be reeling at the moment. Give yourself time, explore this as and when you feel ready, not at the demand or request of anyone else, especially your H. You can get past this, I wouldn't go as far as to say 'over it' but things will become less confusing and scary in time.

'He only wants to stay if I'm not going to hold this over him forever- but how can I not? '

Oh golly...I'm sorry but this is so awful. You poor, poor thing. I think you know the answer here, and tbh it doesn't involve putting up with this twonk for a second longer...take control of your future, you will be so much better off without him spoiling your life

Sorry Lucy, you poor thing.

I think your H is clearly an immature twat if he says things like you 'mustn't hold it over him' and such nonsense. So you're supposed to just get on with it??

I would definitely put those baby plans on ice girl. You're only 33 and have 1 dc. Some women haven't even started to look for a husband at your age. You have nothing to worry about! You're young and there's no need to tie yourself to a selfish idiot if he keeps on talking like this.

You must get to the root of that affair. Why did it happen in the first place? If he is unwilling to go to counselling I think you have your answer and should act on it.

Can you talk to someone in real life (RL)? A friend, his parents?

Lucy

whenwill I gives some goiod advice

he has exposed you to violence due to HIS actions
he has lied and broken marriage vows
he is saying he will only stay if you forgive him

what a cunt, sorry but what!!!! I think you need to get angry and say fuck you, this marraige is over. good bye. Then stay tough

then, maybe then, he might start to realise the huge fuck up he has made

be strong

you are youund and you deserve to be happy, PLEASE stick up for yourself here

I am sorry tho, I find that anger is the best emotion to have right now...

Ok
Another one here who has gone through this.

Whenwill is right - you cannot make any assurances to him that you wont hold this over him - like you said 'how can you'.
However i suspect like many of us you do not want to becoe the bitter twisted woman anyway. I know i was determinded to not go down that road.

Firstly you both have to accept that the marriage is over - the old one anyway - you now both have the chance to start again (together) and make a new marriage - if that is what you both want going forward.

My advice from my own experience is to seek legal advice so that you will know you will be ok - it is one of the hardest things i ever did but worth every penny i spent. I now know i could do it again - having some facts and having to work out in your head how a divorce could work makes it less of a scary thought. And even starting divorce proceedings (as i did) does not mean it is the end of the marriage it just shows that you mean what you say.

As hard as it is you need to back off and let him do the running and begging back to you. You need time to come to terms with it before you can give him any promises.

It is not an easy road to take and it will be hard for both of you but do not be afraid of pushing him away - i think that is the biggest fear i had and so i feel i did not get everything i needed at first.

Anyway good luck and keep talking on here we are here for you.

absolutely what wwifn said

I will go one step further...put him out of your house and see if he will start taking responsibility for his own actions

if you roll over now, stay together and promise to not ever mention it again, I guarantee he will do it again

why wouldn't he ? If you get back to normal so easily, without him proving by his actions that you have just cause in trusting him again...you give him carte blanche to carry on stepping over that line

infidelity is a choice...not something that happens to you when you are feeling a bit low

Thanks WhenwillIfeelnormal nice to know you remember me.

I found an awful lot was down to how my DH reacted, for the first couple of weeks he was in shock himself and seemed detached from the whole thing, so your DH might also be feeling like this. It hit him like a ton of bricks in about week 3 and 3 months down the line still get easily tearful over any little reminder of what he did and very nearly lost.

DH must be willing to talk and be totally honest and open with you even answering questions that he knows are going to hurt you.

Don't make any life changing decisions while you are still in shock, tell him you need time to think, don't commit to anything cos your emotions will be all over the place.

I'm 3 months further on than you are and in a funny way my DHs affair has rejuvinated our relationship and made us realise what we have, but so much does depend on how your DH handles it.

Good luck, I know how bloody horrible it is right now for you.

Agree with WhenwillIfeelnormal and Happywoman both were very helpful on my thread. I'm age 31 and found out my H was having an affair 6 months ago.

I am so sorry Lucy85, the only I can say is I read a book recommended on mumsnet called not just friends and found it very helpful.

It's going to take a lot of time, don't rush any decisions right now. Keep coming on mumsnet for advice as already said and take each day one step at a time.

As AF said putting him out of your house might actually be a good idea. He's the source of all your pain right now, it may give him a reality check and also it will give you the head space you need whilst you work through this

Thanks girls. Life is shit sometimes.
Off to pick up my little one from nursery now so logging off.

You've all been so brilliant - thank you. It helps to know that there is survial afterwards! (even if rusty forks ae involved)

x

Hi Lucy, I know I was ill with shock for the first few days, hope your ok?

Not really, I am ill too. I can't stop shaking and I'm always cold. I have no idea how I will get through this weekend. I'm not even angry really, i just have this horrible, horrible pain in my guts that I don't think will ever go away.

Hi Lucy, sorry you are feeling poorly. Can a friend come over and help you or someone take the baby out for a walk so you have time for yourself? Any family nearby?

The physical pains are no doubt a manifestation of the emotional shock and feelings you are experiencing. Have you eaten today? Could you make yourself a hot chocolate and a cookie to get some sugar in you?

I hope others will come on here soon to give better advice!

lucy85 my heart goes out to you I remember that pain so well and although it will take time it will ease. You have given him 12 years of your life, now you need to decide if he deserves even another minute of it.

All I know, from experience, is that unless he can face what he has done to you, can accept that HIS actions have changed things forever, that you NEED to talk about this and he HAS to listen and answer your questions whenever you need them answered, then all the time you stay together the hurt will not heal, but if he is willing and strong enough do this it really is possible to move forward.

What ever YOU choose you can be happy again.

Lucy, I totally agree with WWIFN and AF's comments

Right now I'd go for distance and letting him think about what HE wants to do to heal this. Then you need to start to think about whether could accept him back.

The pain in the tummmy (a lot of us have had that) is what happens when you're in shock / are living with extreme tension. Some space and control for you over the situation will help that pain to fade. Living in a situation you're not happy with on-going makes you feel ill. I think if you can stay strong, ask for some time apart and get him to go, at least for now, you'll start to feel better

What pisses me off is that she is older than me, uglier than me and has a worse job (so is less successful) than me. So I don't really know where I went wrong tbh.

My husband has seen me at my most vulnerable - unconscious (ill), and in labour (blood EVERYWHERE, stitches, stirrups etc)

I thought our shared history was part of our journey through life together, but now he has thrown it away.

I haven't told anyone apart from one friend who is not connected to anyone else I know . I can't face it - I just feel so ashamed and so weak, but I'm normally really strong and really postive, caring and funny. Dunno why I'm ashamed - prob cos I wasn't good enough or whatever blah blah. I don't feel I can tell my family as they would never be the same with him again. And if we did stay together that would make it all worse.