Just found out about an affair.

[Lucy85]

Hi,

My husband came home last night and told me he'd been having an affair. Things haven't been right between us for ages but in the last few weeks we had turned a bit of a corner.

I am devastated. I can't stop crying or thinking about him shagging someone else. Does anyone know how you can get over this?

I think sometimes you cannot work/repair a marriage if you are not in it IYSWIM. My DH stayed at his mum's for about 6/8 weeks after "discovery day" - during our separation we went out on "dates", he stayed over a 2/3 nights a week, we went away for nights without the DC and we went to Relate throughout this time. I don't think it was an easy time for anyone involved ie, me, dh or the DC.

You both have to do what you feel is right for your situation. I felt I had to get the family ie the DC back to normal as quickly as possible as they were terribly upset by what was happening. I felt that we owed it to them to try and repair the marriage. I am now over a year down the line and there are still times when I scream "How could you !!!" to him but it is getting less and less. Give yourselves time to grieve and be angry and sad and be kind to yourselves.

Good luck.

bella...why, why, why would you have such a cheating, lowlife, selfish tosser back in your life

I wouldn't give the fucker houseroom, seriously

christ on a bike...talk about shitting on your own doorstep!!!

could he have been any more stupid....any more cruel ?

I would never, never, never take any bloke back that subjected me to that humiliation

what exactly is he doing, other than crying like a fucking baby (that he got caught) and missing his dc (diddums...did he think about that when he was shagging another woman ?...errr, nope) to convince you he even deserves the shit off your shoe ????

that post of mine seems very aggressive, I apologise

the red mist descended for a moment there

bella...if you let that man walk back into his cosy homelife...he will learn nothing

other than....he can get away with it again, in the future

consequences

bella I hope that the Head and your colleagues are treating your H with similar disdain to the OW. What a horrible situation for you, having to work alongside them, especially with students knowing about it too.

Really feel for you, but congratulations on the promotion!

Oh AF, believe me, it would have been easier for H to walk away than face my wrath on a daily basis... plus he knows if there's so much as a hint of anything again I will never utter another word to him, just get myself to the solicitors and that will be it, forever.

Sod letting him back ladies - you didn't choose to have this shitstorm descend on you so YOU are now in control. Believe me, facing them on a daily basis once they are back is fairly torturous so make sure you are mentally prepared before you start the process.

We've got our first joint councilling session tomorrow morning. I'll let you know how it goes.

Hi Bella,
How did the counselling go?
I have not progressed at all really, mainly cos I am probably giong to be made redundant soon and I can only deal with so much at one time.

I'm starting to get angry thought as predicted and have been nice to him one minute and then a right cow the next. Serves him right. Ha.

Think I may be testing just how much he does want to stay ...?

I'm still lurking Lucy and reading

Anger is normal very very normal, as I'm sure you know.

Want to give you a big you're doing great considering x

Hi Lucy85,

I know how you feel as I am doing the same at the moment. I'm so sorry you are also dealing with the possibility of being made redundant. As if you haven't got enough to deal with at the moment.
My DH came home last night as he couldn't stay any longer where he was staying. I feel sort of trapped now. We've talked about him getting a flat for 6 months so we can work through things slowly and I can have space but money is the problem there. If it wasn't for my DD I would move out for afew months.
The councelling was ok but not great. She said afew things that pissed me off, like to my husband, "it must be very difficult for you being cast as the big bad wolf by everyone". and to me, "the affair doesn't matter, you need to forget about that and work on your marriage"!! Its only been 2.5 weeks since I found out. Surely that's the sort of talk for 6 months down the line. I'm feeling rushed at the moment. In some ways its nice to have him around but like you, I'm starting to feel angry now.
All I can say Lucy85 is stay strong, get through 1 day or even hour at a time and things WILL be better for both of us one day. x

bella...I feel that counsellor may be doing more harm than good

Yes Bella, change that counsellor PDQ or better still leave the couple counselling for a few weeks and find a counsellor for yourself alone and get your H to go alone. You may find the book suggested before "Not Just Friends" more useful atm. It is very useful in the traumatic stage that you are at and how to proceed etc.

Good luck - it is truly horrible - can your H stay with relatives etc for timebeing, my DH stayed with his mother for a couple of months.

Man. That counsellor hasn't got a clue!

Maybe he's the big bad wolf because HE decided to jump into bed with another woman ..?? Whilst you were trusting, faithful, hardworking loyal etc etc.

I can't believe you even face her each day without wanting to resort to violence, at least I don't know the OW.

And as for forgetting ... I will never ever forget that kind of pain and utter desolation and distress. I know that already, and whilst I can see that in a very long time I may be able to forgive, forgetting is just not on the cards.

Thanks tea and cake, you made me cry! (Again!)

Bella I wish you a good bank holiday, I'm planning to drnik rather a lot of wine and behave in a self indulgent manner. I deserve it, and I don't care if anyone on here diagrees! Would you like to join me?!?

Hi Lucy,

Oh I would so like to join you in some alcohol fuelled oblivion. Instead, like you, I will swing from anger to trying to be pleasant.

Of course you will never forget the pain. I don't understand how anyone can truly forgive either. You suddenly know that some one you once trusted is prepared to betray you and to lie and deceive you. I simply cannot think the same of him again, because he isn't the same, not the same person I believed he was. He probably never was. No one tells you how to forgive. Are some things unforgiveable? I think I am at least building strong friendships and hobbies so that the person I can no longer trust is not central to my life anymore.

Your counsellor is completely wrong in my opinion. It is unrealistic to expect you to ever accept that the affair is not important. For a long time it will be central to your thinking and feeling. If she doesn't realise that, how can she address your feelings. How can you work on a marriage when you are still in shock? Find a better counsellor.

I shall be thinking of you, and all those who have been betrayed. You are not alone.

I know, it amazes me since I read all this on Mumsnet. Men are a right load of twats aren't they.

You are so right about anger / niceness - I go from on to the next with no reason and nothing to trigger it. Sometimes I'm so angry with myself for being so weak / inceure as to let him stay here, but then I think that there is so much to take into consideration - I know simply can't take care of little one on my own, as well as house etc, yet I've done 90% of it whilst he's been on his f**king phone with that slut.

I've been so angry with him recently for being so useless and unhelpful / unengaging and now I know why I'm not happy about that either. i mean, does he not think that if he FOR ONCE got off his arse to help, I'd be more inclined to shag him?!?!

FFS. How on earth do you win over this situation... (Actually I hear the wine calling now ...)

Bella - your counsellor sounds like the woman I had! I actually vomited after we finished the session as I was so damn upset and angry (it, too, was about 2 weeks after - and she was talking about setting a time when I'd never mention it again and instead concentrating on 'what makes my heart sing'. Bleurgh). Ring round, see if you can find someone who has read 'The Book'. As whenwillI once said, counsellors like that deserve a visit from some form of vile pestilence! Useless buggers.

Lucy - I know what you mean about needing his help around the house even though he never did anything anyway! My DH is the same, but its just harder with him physically not there. e.g. i can't pop out to tesco's in the evening. after 7pm i'm stuck inside. things like that are making it hard. although they are not reasons enough to let him back home.
Yes I think i will change my councellor. do people think relate is the best place to go?

Yes, i do want to be physically violent to the slut at work but this week the head has told her not to come to any meetings so i haven't seen her. i have been hiding away in my block so i don't bump into her in the corridors. can you imagine if i lost it in front of a corridor of teenagers! oh my god. the first time i will see her now is monday after half term in the staff meeting. I must just keep in mind that I don't want to lose my job or go to prison!

enjoy your wine - you deserve it, even if it only dulls the pain for a while. just don't do that too often!
Keep strong and remember i'm going through this with you, feeling the same, the nice/angry moods changes..totally understand. x

My DP cheated on me with this darling little 'friend' of mine, I actually KNEW she was after him and TOLD him and he didnt believe it and I trusted him so completely that I let it go....anyway soon after he confessed to me that he'd shagged her and even today, 5 YEARS later it still hurts abit when I think about it but i got over it and forgave him, he's never cheated since and he swears he never will again, I believe him.
I wanted to kill her, never did :P
Just let it go which was hard.
But we've been through loads and I know I'm with him for life and he knows it too.

We've both learned the lesson to not sh*t on one's doorstep because eventually you'll step in it ;)

I think you should make a go at working things out with your DP, councelling sounds like a good plan. Things WILL get easier, but you must try not to dwell on the pain and think positively, your DP, like mine may have learned a valuable lesson, to never hurt you ever again.

Good luck!

thankyou fyimate, something positive to think about.

Bella - in that book "not just friends" it makes it clear if you have a counselor like yours, you need to change. Relate are good but may have a waiting list. Go for it though.

Enjoy the wine Lucy

I would agree and definately change the counsellor - she sounds crap. The affair matters, the marriage matters and he is the baddie. Bloody hell, I think I want to punch your counsellor!

At this stage I think it would be more useful to have counselling on your own. It will enable you to concentrate on your wellbeing and have a safe place to vent. By going with him at the moment you may feel you can't say everything you want to say.

I'm in this shitty boat too and would love to join the wine party. I'm a little way further down the line and we are working on building a new relationship - the old one has gone for good and so have the two people who were in it. Not sure about complete forgiveness but think the best I can do is learn to live with it.

I have been working to do things for me and if it doesn't work out, I know I will be fine.

I have just read this thread again and so much of it is true for me.

With regard to the counsellor, I went to Relate, alone, my H has left me for OW and will not return, his choice not mine.

I didn't have to wait long for an appointment, just a week, maybe I was lucky, and the woman I saw really helped.

She didn't apportion blame nor tell me to get over the affair and move on, she let me talk and then posed questions so I could work out answers for myself.

Each session was recorded so the next week she was able to pick up where we left off. I really found it helpful, only went for 4 sessions, but you never know I might go back at some point. I still have really bad days even though I am 8 months down the line.

I have learnt that I can manage by myself, although on occasions I feel very lonely. I miss my H a lot and our lovely life we had before OW. But I know I can deal with it and look forward to better times.

I hope you both reach some sort of acceptance no matter which way things go and make happier lives for yourselves.

Partytime, it's the loneliness I dread.

I have managed to survive the bank holiday although he did resport yesterday to behaving in traditional childish sulky behaviour as he couldn't do what he wanted to do (nothing) because we have a child. I was less than sympathetic. That's a pretty lonely place to be to be honest and I can't help but think, how much worse would it be on my own - at least I wouldn't have some miserbale twat following me around like a flamin' black cloud.

Today was much better, however, he made an effort and managed to make me feel like he wants to be here.

I think I've decided that he's on probation. 6 months or so to convince me he's here for me, not just my baby. I'm not gonna waste the rest of my life on someone who I can't trust to commit.

I hate the fact that I'm always watching him. I'd love to get my hands on his phone, but he always has it with him. THen I hate myself for wanting to check up on him. but I guess this is how it's gonna be from now on. .

How'd you get on, Bella?

Lucy he needs to be more transparent with phone tbh to regain your trust. Have you got that book yet?

Hi Lucy

Only jusy found this thread. Like others on here WWIFN's advice has helped me as well as that book - it will reiterated what teaandcake said about him being more transparent.

It also says not to make a decision about your relationship for 3 months, which when I first read that I thought it was a long time but actually it's not.

My DP admitted to an affair 6 months after the fact so it was already over by the time I found out. I contacted the OW to confirm it happened like he told me, but if you do this be careful because she may have another agenda. In my case she acted like my best friend but contacted him to try to find out if we were splitting up and was saying things to him like "if I was her I would kick you out".

Take one day at a time and don't let him push you into anything.

Counselling does help but I would suggest you get it alone first and then look at couples counselling later.

I wouldn't even be thinking about meeting someone else at this point and yes although it may be lonely on your own for a while you will survive.

Thanks all. I have The Book now and yes it is helpful and painful as it seems so near the truth.

Feel like it's all a bad dream really and just treadin water but ow ow ow it still hurst when I think about it.

Don't want this to be the elephant in the room, can't really afford counselling right now due to lack of employment etc.

Anyway thanks for all your help, so good to knwo I'm not alone in this.