Just found out about an affair.

[Lucy85]

Hi,

My husband came home last night and told me he'd been having an affair. Things haven't been right between us for ages but in the last few weeks we had turned a bit of a corner.

I am devastated. I can't stop crying or thinking about him shagging someone else. Does anyone know how you can get over this?

Don't be ashamed. As WWIFN said, your H made a choice here to do what he did not you. If anyone should feel ashamed, he should. And whether he feels ashamed now or not, he will do at some point soon, whether he admits that or not.

The more you carry this alone, the worse you could feel I think so keep talking with us and, when you can, I would share the news with some RL friends. I've been there myself and I know it's hard but, like me, you may well look back in times to come and be amazed at how much support people have given you and what great friends and family you have. I look back now at the time I carried what my XH was doing alone (even without MN!) and it was the worst time.

I think you are right at this stage to limit the number of people you tell.

A friend of mine had an affair, then her dh had an affair and it was all a total nightmare. they hardly told anyone ("I don't want to be an anecdote at a drinks party" was her view) And it really really helped them patch it up because they didnt have an audience to explain themselves to, just each other.

In situations like this even good friends and family especially can be very unforgiving and urge you to do this and that because they are furious on your behalf. I told just a few friends when I had major marital probs last year and the ones who have been through a lot themselves were by far the best -- not dogmatic, not telling me what I should do, seeing it as a complex problem with no easy solution.

On another matter, the way your DH is handling the aftermath is not making it easy for you. The post-discovery phase is hugely, hugely important and what is needed from him is a declaration. "I cannot believe what I have done. I cannot believe what I jeopardised. Please forgive me". It is pretty hard to forgive someone who doesn't think they need forgiven and just comes up with excuses and blames you.

I got an apology about six months later, but pretty unconvincing, sadly. marriage still on the rocks as a result

good luck

Oh Lucy.

Be careful here. He is totally in the wrong and yet he is seeking to twist his misdoings into yours?

I was married to a serial philanderer. When I found out about him fucking one of my friends I put him out of the house. My youngest child was 1 year old on the Firday, I found out on the Saturday...ANYWAY! My Husband did the same thing as yours, blamed my small weight gain, blamed me working full time, blamed me concentrating too much on the children.

I let him come home, and was never allowed to mention his affair(s) again. Which, as I'm sure you can imagine, was just not possible.

So, we limped on for 6 months and then I kicked his sorry arse out, and never looked back.

Those 6 months were horrific for my self esteem and peace of mind though. I wouldn't wish that on you. The only way you and he can make a go of this, is if he becomes utterly transparant, and completely understanding of your need to talk and understand what has happened.

Counselling is your best way forward.

But I would chuck him out to concentrate his mind first.

I didn't tell anyone at first either, like you I was ashamed and embarrassed, eventually told my sister and felt a great relief in telling someone.

The shock can make you properly ill I was vomiting and just couldn't eat for days, but this will pass.

The OW doesn't matter, she isn't important, you can tear yourself apart trying to figure out what he saw in her, probably just convienient at the time, made it easy for him, I know my Hs OW was, he now admits she was giving him the attention that he felt I wasn't giving him at home (men are so pathetic at times!!)

ducati, malsflannel,
sorry to hear your stories.

It will not be possible to forget ever, but; - what i want out of life has not changed.

He is utterly remorseful and has begged and begged for forgiveness. I have told him that I am not sure I can forgive, and that he does not have a relationship with this person. (She apparently started flirting with him on a work night out, then found out where he was staying and turned up at his hotel room pissed. However, as I pointed out, you don't have to open the freakin' door, do you)

But - will he do it again/ How do I set a good example for my DD? - I would kill the person who did this to her.

A life of shared weekends and arguing over birthdays and Christmas, not to mention loneliness does not appeal, however.

Agreed with you malsflannel about small weight gain (3lbs in my case) and conentrating on babies - which is after all my role in life- is pathetic excuse. He knew which was it was going when he opened the door to that slut.

Also - this makes me feel a bit better so must share - she has split with her husband and is gutted that mine doesn't want her any more! Ha, serves her right.

Will try and find out about some counselling (trying to be a grown up now, did you notice?!)

I can remember feeling triumphant when my XH came back to me and left the OW.

I think, in part, that that feeling clouded my thinking IYKWIM.

Just go easy Lucy, you don't have to make any decisions right now. You just have to be kind to yourself.

As to your questions about whether he'll do this again? I will bow to WWIFN and HW, they are truly brilliant at advising people who want to continue with their relationships. I'm a little too bitter.

Good for you for looking into the counselling.

I think I can see where you're at Lucy, but this too will pass.

This OW is a renewed threat now that her H has chucked her out. I suspect you fear that if you do the same, your H might go to her. You want her to be in misery and to have a double punishment (loss of her H and her OM) and as long as you say you will try to forgive, you can keep him there with you and away from her. If you do feel like this, it's entirely normal and understandable, but it isn't the end story.

It's also entirely normal at this stage to view her as predatory - and to take comfort in the realisation that she is no goddess and that you are better than her in every way.

At the moment, you are in "fight" mode and that involves a very strong, primal competitive instinct. Posters who have been in this situation will recognise it and empathise, others who haven't will not - and will tell you that he is not a prize worth fighting for and that the women involved should not be "fighting" over him.

You will come out of this phase and eventually you will conclude that both of them were equally culpable. You will also one day conclude that this had nothing to do with you whatsoever. It wouldn't have mattered if you were 100 times more attractive or successful than the OW, or if you had been administering to his every whim. This isn't about you, it's about him. His ability to turn down a certainty, his ability to deceive and lie, the choices he had and the decisions he made.

You have absolutely no culpability for this affair. You only had a responsibility to your marriage.

He might be as outwardly remorseful as it's possible to be, but the fact that he has tried to shift blame - to you and the OW - is telling.

Counselling is good, but please go separately.

The physical pain you feel is real and many of us will recognise it.

You will only start to recover when your H starts to take full responsibility and resolves to get to the bottom of his behaviour himself.

How are things now Lucy?

Hi tea and cake,

Hmmpphh. Alright I guess.
Bizarrely, I am able to put it out of my mind (??denial??) for the most part, and he's been great - normal, you know just like it used to be. I've enjoyed having him back mentally.

However still the pain is truly awful, i anything it's made me realise how much I truly love him. And I still can't bear the thought of him with someone else.

I'm not that angry though (why?!)just still devastated. Still stomach pains but shaking has stopped for the most part.

Am v conscious I need to deal with this properly now or pent up anger will come out in time. That woould be bad. !!
How are you?

I certainly went through various stages and denial was a big one for me. I too felt like you very much. Wasn't that angry either at the time too. Is he still living with you? Or did you choose to have some space?

Have you bought that book I suggested ages ago in thread? Reading that book was what helped me to start to process it properly and also realise what I ought to be doing. I bumbled along from Nov - March before realising that a) the affair had never ended afterall b) I hadn't put any boundaries or expectations in place... Not wise of me at all. Big mistake.

I absolutely agree with teaandcake. If you can, you do need to 'process' this in some way in order to move on. Like she did, I did a lot of bumbling on (while I was still being lied to - for years in my case) and again, i think this was a big mistake and a missed opportunity to get things right again. I didn't deal with it - I just tried to brush it under the carpet, while continuing to feel the pain and in fact, setting up the conditions that made it easier for my h to continue with his lying and infidelity.

I think it would be a good idea to find a practical focus for dealing with the pain and forging a way through it, rather than things going round and round in your mind. You could work your way through a book (the Shirley Glass one?) or find a good counsellor.

Otherwise I think that although you get on with day to day life, you end up being consumed by painful thoughts and with your own distress. It is better to have some sort of outlet, so the anger/distress goes 'out' and not 'in' (IYSWIM!)

I also agree with t&c that it is a good time to put clear boundaries in place and to work out and express what it is you want from a relationship - monogamy; respect; love; help; kindness etc - whatever you need. My counsellor says that it is a lot more powerful to say it this way than to have a 'negative' list which says to your husband, "you must stop doing x, y and z".

oh my goodness. I really do and did think it is over and have contacted her via web to check. Am I so stupid and naive to believe them though??

I will get the book, lots on here reccommended it.
Sounds like you basically have to manage them, same as you would at work / with toddler.

I may instigate naughty step. !

Thanks to you both for your thoughts and help; - it really matters. Are you both OK now?

No Lucy. It would be a huge mistake to treat your H as a child. Although given the deflection of blame he engaged in when this all came out, it sounds like he's been used to behaving like one.

I actually think you are still in shock and your anger hasn't come out yet. It will - and it should.

Has he started taking responsibility and stopped blaming you or her? Has he stopped blaming your marriage on this? What is he doing to get to the bottom of why he really deceived and lied?

I'm sorry if these questions sound intrusive and harsh, because I remember so vividly, the stage you are at. I think you might be in "fix it" or "fight" mode, but this actually delays dealing with the issues.

One of the reasons why I'm not sure you're facing this head-on is the cheeriness of your posts. It's the sort of superficial cheerfulness one might adopt with an acquaintance in the street. You don't have to be like that on here, you can spill your guts actually.

Hi there,
no I was taking the p out of myself; - i don't treat him like a child, - honest!

He does take responsibility, and he blames himself but rightly he makes the point that we'd slipped into watching the TV each evening and didn't talk much. I was too exhausted to even go to bed most evenings so scintillating conversation was not on the cards, however he wants back 'in' to us and our life - and I want him back 'in', it's been nice having him back these last few days. But I think you are right I'm probably still in some kind of denial thing, as I haven't yet called him names and stabbed him in the eye with a rusty fork. I'm a slow burner with anger but I'm scary when I get there!

And no, I'm not cheerful, I'm having a shit time at work which I hate, I hurt inside and I worry about this. However, what can I do?! You gotta get on with it; haven't you; - I can't just fall apart. Plus (no offence here)you are all complete strangers and Lucy isn't my name ...!

Read the book pronto. You should go to Relate if he is serious about working on your marriage together.

Have you had proof the affair is over, credible proof that is? Not just his word? Is he being open about his movements, if he see's her whilst out and about etc? Is there a definite change in his behaviour? All important questions that need answering but there are many more. WWIFN will probably be back with more wise words for you.

I feel so much for Lucy85. 2 weeks ago I found out my husband has been having an affair for around 3 months. I am at the shock stage. I want to be angry as that will help me deal with things buts its just not coming yet.
The worst thing is a am teacher and I teach in the same school as my DH and so does the *itch who he'e been seeing. She's still there and I'm supposed to deal with that. The whole staff know and many of the students.
I have a 2 yr old daughter. I feel like I'm living a nightmare at the moment as I'm sure Lucy85 does too. I can't eat or concentrate on anything. I'm just keeping going for my daughter.
My husband thinks he can move back home and it will all be sorted.

Oh Lordy! Bella you should read that book too. You need boundaries and until he earns back your trust, he needs to respect you needing space. He is the source of all your pain.

There needs to be agreement on everything on contact and telling you what happened if he does speak to her in passing, especially if she works with you both. If you're planning to work on marriage you do need a united front against her etc. Is it definitely over? Has he provided proof? A million questions...

I'm so sorry, do you have a thread on mumsnet already?

Good lord. They are all at it?!

Poor you Bella, mine went on for 1 year and my world fell apart 2 weeks ago just like yours. And my little one is also 2. Know what you mean about having to just keep on going.

Why oh Why do they think no one knows as well?? I know some people at work who've also had a bit of a thing for years, it's just one of those things people know about but don't discuss.

People are nuts.

Thanks for your responses. No I don't have my own thread. It just read Lucy85's and wrote because her situation was so similar to mine. This is the first time I've written on mumsnet.
It helps to feel someone else understands, although I'm sorry Lucy85 is going through this pain too. I will order that book. thanks.

Lucy85 - are you letting him live at home?

yeah.
We live in a lovely house, in a nice area, and we have quite a few friends and family around. I can't afford it on my own and if I moved back to nearer my folks I'd have no friends in the area at all.

I don't know if I'm being really weak? I almost feel like he needs to suffer and I haven't punished him?? I dunno. He's trying to be really nice to me and I keep pushing him away.

What are you doing?

Lucy don't let him sleep with you until he has earnt your trust again. Just a word of warning...

It must be so hard

You do need to look into marriage counseling though at the least to deal with this and boundaries etc.

Bella - that's awful. It's possibly the best time of year to be looking for new teaching jobs, though. I would insist he starts getting the TES pronto with regard to moving away from her and might also have a discrete word with the Head so they are aware and don't send them eg on school trips together. It's in their interest to minimise any potential conflict on school grounds... so one of them might be encouraged to leave?

If they try and turn you away, mention you have been thinking you should take some time off for stress. Guarantee budgets are tight so they won't be keen on getting cover in and should accommodate you! Shirley Glass book is great... my H had an affair with his stupid little TA by the way.

Abedelia - thanks. the head knows everything. everybody does. He's been really good. He met with each of us today. Told her she can't come to our whole staff morning meeting until after half term so that i feel more comfortable being there. My husband is a HOY. I hope she resigns. everyone wants her to. In the middle of all this, I had an interview for HOD and got it! don't know how i did that!

Lucy85-I totally understand. My DH is currently staying with a friend but the pressure to have him back home is immense. He said tonight that he won't be able to show me how much he's changed until he's back home. I don't know what to do. He is suffering by not seeing our DD much. Maybe i need to have him back to see if he's going to change or not. I really don't know.

lucy and bella- both your husbands sound very manipulative.

sounds like you're both being emotionally blackmailed.

'he is suffering by not seeing our DD much'.

well who's fault is that?

jesus, stick up for yourselves.