Just found out about an affair.

[Lucy85]

Hi,

My husband came home last night and told me he'd been having an affair. Things haven't been right between us for ages but in the last few weeks we had turned a bit of a corner.

I am devastated. I can't stop crying or thinking about him shagging someone else. Does anyone know how you can get over this?

My counselor only charges £5 per session if on a low income so I'm quite lucky, Glad you're reading the book

oh god. Tonight, he is not at home. Work night. I can't cope with the insecurity. Have phoned hotel to double check he is alone and he is.

All in my head. Have gone mad. Sent him horrible text and been mean.

Please tell me to get it together stop being so f-ing insecure, it will only push him further away??

Actually Lucy, he should have done everything in his power to ensure that he wasn't away from home right now. Of course you feel insecure, but stop worrying about how this makes him feel. This is a long road and life (and you) will be like this for quite a while yet. He will have to learn to live with it - and should understand it.

Agree with WhenwillI. These feeling are normal, when he goes away you will have flashbacks and it will trigger the same rage, panic and fear that he is with the OW. Until he has maintained a pattern of complete transparency and accountability for a number of months can you then begin to relax. You can only begin to reestablish trust if he is open with you.

It's all in the book

There's nothing wrong with how you feel! He needs to keep being transparent and support you, he betrayed you! He'll fuel your anxiety if he isn't open with you and actually make you more hyper vigilant and looking for clues the affair isn't over. IYSWIM?

He didn't answer either phone until this morning. Must be a bad sign, no? Plus he says there was no signal which may be true but one phone was ringing.

Man, i am PAR-A-NOID. i hate this, how dare he d othis to me. i used to be sorted.

Lucy.

It seems to me that that your H really doesn't "get" this, I'm afraid.

During that bank holiday weekend, he should have entered into family time with gusto, because this is what he stood to lose, wasn't it? A man in his position should have been pinching himself for his luck, not behaving like a spoilt teenage boy being dragged around clothes shops.

He is also being guarded with his phone and within weeks of discovery, is attending business trips away from home overnight. He is also failing to answer his phone, when he knows that it is the most understandable thing in the world that you want to contact him.

What you and Bella also say about how lazy, unhelpful and disengaged your Hs have been in the past is very illuminating too.

Affairs are an extreme manifestation of selfish behaviour. Basically, these men think the world revolves around them and they won't do anything they don't want to do. If they have to do something, they will do it badly, or with poor grace.

The advice you have had about creating a new marriage must involve all behaviours. This is your chance to list all of the things that must change in the future. You will never get the opportunity again to make these conditions.

The other thing I wanted to say to you is don't stay with him because you think it will be a better option to being on your own. In the short term, some things are going to be practically more difficult, but honestly, after a betrayal like this, you should be staying for one reason only; because you love him. Even then, you will need to be convinced that he has the capacity to change and will never do this to you again.

Based on what you've said, I really don't think he is in the right place and I'd have no confidence that this couldn't happen again.

Have a really good think about what you want from your marriage and try to be brutally honest about whether he has ever really delivered your expectations.

When infidelity happens, it is understandable and appropriate that one's tolerance for other faults (laziness etc.) vanishes. You cannot and should not "bargain" those faults away any longer, but see the infidelity as typical of a person with those selfish traits. If the selfish behaviour isn't eradicated completely, then the potential for further infidelity will always be there.

Lucy when my H and I separated he told me he wanted to work things through but needed some space, he led me along for 4 months going away often not being transparent, not answering the phone, keeping it with him, even to go to the bathroom and never letting it out of his sight and it turned out the affair had never ended.

Are you still sure the affair is over?

Life cannot carry on as it used to, he has to rebuild trust. You need a frank discussion with him. He's making you paranoid and his behaviour is cruel. He's fueling your anxiety by his behaviour. Everytime he disappears and isn't contactable, any new found secruity will be shaken loose again. This is not an overnight process. You cannot shift from betrayal to unquestioning trust in an instant. Only his time and devotion will convince you and allow you to let go of these insecurities. You do not have a neurotic need to control his every move. Rather knowing what is really going on, is the only way you can begin to reestablish trust. Such as him being in contact when away from time to time. He may feel smothered but he owes it to you to let you know where he is, as this takes care of your anxiety.

I sent an e-mail to my H along the lines of this and it wasn't long after this that he confessed the affair had never ended as I finally pushed him for evidence it was over. I know you've already had some evidence it's over though but do not allow him to carry on just like things were before. Please sit him down and talk.

You maybe flogging a dead horse, it takes 2 to make a marriage work and he needs to start putting the effort in to heal the marriage and gain your trust. Not carry on pretending everything is as it was before the affair. Otherwise the marriage will fail sooner or later. You cannot brush this under the carpet.

WhenwillI has a valid point though: "Have a really good think about what you want from your marriage and try to be brutally honest about whether he has ever really delivered your expectations" This is so true for me, on looking back my H was NONE of what I wanted in my H or father of my children. I was trying to save a marriage, my dream of a happy family but in reality it wasn't that, nor would it be. I think half of trying to save my marriage was more to do with the shame I would feel on being a divorcee and was entirely the wrong thing to motivate me for so long on saving my marriage

Please talk to him. You need to find the funds for counseling if he is serious about saving marriage. Perhaps an intermediary will help him to see he needs more transparency.

I need to echo what's said here.

He needs to be working 100% with you, he needs to be completely transparent - phone, email, everything. He needs to be trying to spend time at home as much as possible and ALWAYS reachable.

I'm sorry but failing that, he'd be out.