Finally confronted DH about the 'other woman'

[missmama]

I dont know where to start really. I think I have over reacted, but this has really upset and hurt me.

Its shitty crappy facebook.

DH has a friend who he has 'fallen in love' with. She lives on the other side of the world so their is no chance of them meeting so I do not have to worry about the physical side of things.
He spends all his time on the computer talking to her, discussing their feelings, writing her poetry.
They text each other all the time and send photos to each others phones.
He just doesnt have any time left for me. We have been together 22 years and have 3 DC's 12 9 and 16 months.
I have known about her for months but it has escalated since Christmas.
He sent her an expensive gold bracelet for valentines day, and then gave me an identical one for my birthday last month. He doesnt know I know about hers.

Because of the time difference they text a lot at night when he thinks I am asleep.
He lies in the bed next to me texting her and her texting back.
Saturday night I had had enough and half way through him doing this I got up out of bed and told him that I would sleep on the sofa as I was obviously in the way there.
He said he had no idea what I was talking about and as I went down the stairs I said that texting her from my bed was really not fair at all.
He stayed in bed for 10 mins and then came down and asked if I wanted a cup of tea!!!!!
I sent him back to bed and told him that I couldnt even look at him at the moment.
But after half an hour I went back up and woke him! to talk.
I asked him 2 questions and told him I didnt want him to answer them now but to think about it carefully.
I asked him to put himself in my position. How would he feel if it was me that was doing what he was doing. My words were, doing what you are doing or not doing, doing what I think you might be doing and then whatever it is that you are really doing.
I then asked him what it was that he wanted. What did he want to happen, what did he want me to do.
Then I left the room.

I slept on the sofa, he woke early but did not get up and facebooked with her for a while then got up about 11.
He came down and said sorry. But I dont know what for
We spoke later their were lots of tears on both sides and he asked me what I wanted. I said that I loved him very much and all I want is for him to be happy. Which is what I have been saying for months, but that I cannot carry on like this and he has to make a decision on what he wants. What I want is for him to love only me. He said that he didnt want to hurt me and that it had upset him thinking about the questions that I had asked, but he wasnt going to stop talking to this woman. But he would try harder to spend time and talk with me and the kids and try to be a nicer person.

So I am left in limbo. I dont want to leave him I do love him very much. Have I over reacted? is it just a fantasy for him?
I feel as though I am in the middle of throwing away my mariage for nothing.

more applause from me, missmama! Well done.

Do pack his stuff up for him tomorrow though.

the classic line in his "defence" is this one:
"Him You are mad. You have been snooping"
= instant admission of guilt!

'Snooping' means he knew there was something to find.

Stupid man.

The line about phoning first so you can wash the children - I think that is an interesting response indeed. An excuse to make sure he phones, yes - but has he ever suggested that you don't do a good job of looking after the DC, that you somehow wouldn't be able to do it by yourself? Just asking - it might have been an instant defence by you to make sure the DC looked well looked after whenever he saw them, not as though you were unable to cope without him.

I think he will also be away constructing his excuses defence as to why you are mad etc. - be prepared for it tomorrow. You are fully sane, you have just been under a cloud for the last several months and it has finally cleared to allow you to see the situation for what it really is.

Stay strong - we're all here for you.

Well done MM. You have come on quite a journey this past two days and you have done just brilliantly.

The next step in the plan is to phone your GP surgery and get an appointment. You still need help with those physiological problems.

You will see from your account of the conversation that the "what are you talking about?" was the classic "playing for time" response and I'm not in the least surprised to read the "you're mad" accusations. It's what he's been doing for months isn't it?

The other thing I really don't want you to under-estimate is how poor quality your sleep must have been in recent months. Given the fact that you've got a baby and you've been kept awake by him on his phone, let alone the sleepless nights you must have had crying into your pillow about the horror you've been living with, you must be suffering from terrible sleep deprivation. Talk to the GP about this.

Tomorrow you will doubtless feel terrible when you wake and you're bound to have a touch of the seconds and will try to convince yourself that this is madness and an over-reaction on your part. But keep telling yourself over and over again that this was necessary and that life is going to get better now. It really will, with him or without him. Stay strong and keep focused on the end game.

When he phones tomorrow, be enigmatic about when you are going to be in. You must be cagey about your whereabouts and your next move. You need him to be on the back foot permanently now, never knowing what you are going to do next.

In the coming days, I would really recommend finding a counsellor who specialises in the effects of gaslighting. As you will have seen from what you read, the effect is to distort your reality, so chances are you have been questioning everything about yourself and I imagine you have been doubting your ability to put one foot in front of the other....it might explain your comment about the children being washed. I wonder whether you have even been doubting your mothering abilities because of your H's treatment.

I sincerely hope you have been so exhausted tonight that you will sleep like a log.

Keep this up MM - your life got better as of yesterday when you clicked "post message".

Missmama, well done, well done. The above posts are very wise, I'm just confining myself to joining your cheer squad.

(round of applause for no longer being taken for a mug!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

WELL DONE!!!!!!!!!!

We will continue to support you x

Well done you! Hope you got some sleep in that bug bed.

You need to be prepared for if he asks to come back it might not be today but you need to get it clear what you want.

Don't let him make out you are mad any longer.

Well done for getting him out. Continue to be strong.
Rooting for you here.

Well done, another one joining your cheer squad here!

if you are hoping that he will break off contact with OW in Australia and return to the ways things were before they got involved, I think you must expect it to take some time (since it took time to get to this stage) and that he may go through a few "stages" in the process.

He has been in denial the whole time, along the lines "so long as I am not having sex with her, what is there for you to make a fuss about?" The fact he denies having sent her a bracelet etc, means he knows very well that what he was doing was unacceptable. Don't be taken in.

He has been quite sneaky - and nasty at times about this whole thing, when you weaken, spend a minute thinking about that.

Maybe he'll sort himself out, reemerge from his fantasy world and things can be re-kitted. Maybe not but you really must not go back to putting up with that situation for fear of rocking the boat (and we all do things like that, me included. It just wasn't good).

Good luck with everything.

MM - you did great.

You need to pack for him, you don't want to give him a reason to come in and stay around.

Well done. You hold all the cards now.

well done, hope you are ok today

Good advice in the last post from whenwillifeelnormal. Time to care for yourself and dc for a little while. Hope you slept. X

Well done !

You can do this MM

Hello MM,

another 'well done' from me, too. Wow! I'm happy for you that you have spelled it out to him

"Him I cant believe I am being thrown out of my own home because of some bird tens of thousand of miles away
Me Yes ridiculous isnt it "

Instant admission of guilt by not denying (sp?) it and blaming it on you! How dare he?? Twat. Let him rant and come to his senses in the next few weeks. Let him feel lonely and miss you and the kids, his home and comfort.

I would also strongly suggest you speak to your GP to get councelling for you. It will steel you and help you cope. Always post on here and there will be lots of support to help you through this challenging time.

You were ace putting him out and he didn't see it coming. You have in that second re-instated your dignity and commanded his respect. You are not a victim! You have amazing capability for strength. He is a fool for walking over you and thinking he could get away with it.

I would also advise you to see a solicitor to get advice on your situation and clear up your finances. I think it is out of order he buys that floozy jewellery with your money. Please be wise now and plan ahead. Even if he does come back and you live happily ever after, for the sake of your darling children and yourself, get your ducks in a row. And don't tell him about it. Maybe set up an account just in your name with a different bank and transfer child tax credit into it. Just to be safe.

Been following this thread,
Well done, you are in control over now.

Please arrange to see a solicitor - you need to know the facts regarding your legal and financial situation. This is urgent - you need to know what to do regarding joint accounts, credit cards, paying bills, mortgage, council tax etc

I hope for all your sakes that he will end this relationship and you can get counselling and eventually get back together. But in case that doesn't happen you need to look to securing your and the childrens future

You need to hope for the best and plan for the worst

I hope you are alright this morning MM.

Very good advice from WhenwillIfeelnormal

And as many have suggested, pack his bags for him!

You are doing great.

Yeah good advice WhenwillIfeelnormal, definately sounds like you should get some counselling and speak to your GP, can't imagine how awful this must be for you.
Also second the applause! Bloody brilliant; in that one conversation you put him bang to rights. His way of dealing with this (seems to be quite common in men, actually) is placing the blame squarely on you, hence the comments about snooping. I would completely pack his stuff for him and have it ready for when he decides to pitch up, so he doesn't have any need to hang around. What he wants to find is you in a right state so he has to pack his stuff himself and he can spend a few hours dramatically packing his stuff and slamming thngs aorund like a child. The less time he is around you, the less time you'll have for 'second thoughts'. I'd also ask him to hand back his door key, and if he doesn't, change the locks. It's probably not the ethical thing to do, and probably a bit childish but you don't want him pitching up whenever he feels like it. It'll remind him that he doesn't have the right to just waltz in and have access to his family. It puts up a physical barrier between you both and make him realise what he stands to lose. That way, he has to knock to come in and pick up the children, not just barge in before you're ready.
I think that you've been given great advice about seeing a solicitor to fix up your financial situation. I think it'll all come crashing down around him when he hets a smart letter through his front door from your solicitor reguards your children's access, your/his financial responsibilities etc. You are doing so well, but be prepared for a grovelling apology when it comes... and be decided what you're going to do about it.
I envy your personal strength, you're amazing, OP!
xxx

You are flippin' brilliant MM!

Remember, in the coming weeks...Eat, sleep, breathe, eat sleep, breathe.

Look after yourself well, you are marvellous.

Love xxx

I would definitely change the locks and leave a bag or two bag, making it clear though that any of his things he can have whenever he wants. In fact I would ask his sister to pick up the bag or hand it over to her.

If he got so nasty about this before that you were scared, you really don't want him coming in, having an emotional fit or drunk and emotional etc.

I would also make sure that documents that might be important, including dc's passports are not where he might expect to find them, just in case. I don't really expect him to do anything but it is better to feel a bit more secure.

"Him I cant believe I am being thrown out of my own home because of some bird tens of thousand of miles away
Me Yes ridiculous isnt it " Just perfect OP, I'm uber impressed at you summing it up in four words, I would have ranted on and lost the point.

Now all you have to do is remember the frog analogy and keep saying to yourself 'I am jumping out, I am not slowly boiling to death, I am jumping out....' etc. As tempting as it's going to be to just let him come back when the dust has settled a few days, don't! He has been a collossal shit to you and has some major work ahead of him before he can consider himself a husband again.

Any time he starts with the 'your mad/paranoid' BS, just imagine yourself as stone and end the conversation, don't tell him why, don't argue that your not - just fall silent and walk away or a firm 'it's time for you to leave'. He knows what he's done, you know what he's done and now he knows that you know, he either mans up and starts talking honestly about it or he doesn't. YOU are not going to enter into his mind games (feckless bastard). Repeat after me : 'Froggy has left the pan of water!' - Actually don't say that out loud or he will have grounds for calling you mad! Good luck OP and well done for being so brave.

yeah I wanted to add my support aswell, keep strong your in control now, the tables have turned, don't let him bully you into anything you don't really want, take time to think, tell him you need space and time to decide what you want.

Once he has had time for this to sink in maybe he will show his true feelings then and at least you will know what he wants and if it's you he wants then make him fight for you, he needs to see the independant strong woman you were when he first met you.

Don't forget your an adult who deserves respect and a Mother who is being strong for her children.

Well done little frog.... just wanted to add my support to the hundreds of others, take care of yourself x

Ahhh, the old 'change the locks' issue again...

One cannot keep the spouse out of the home if both are on the mortgage/own the place.

Just to make that clear before more people suggest that.