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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finally confronted DH about the 'other woman'

389 replies

missmama · 11/05/2010 11:25

I dont know where to start really. I think I have over reacted, but this has really upset and hurt me.

Its shitty crappy facebook.

DH has a friend who he has 'fallen in love' with. She lives on the other side of the world so their is no chance of them meeting so I do not have to worry about the physical side of things.
He spends all his time on the computer talking to her, discussing their feelings, writing her poetry.
They text each other all the time and send photos to each others phones.
He just doesnt have any time left for me. We have been together 22 years and have 3 DC's 12 9 and 16 months.
I have known about her for months but it has escalated since Christmas.
He sent her an expensive gold bracelet for valentines day, and then gave me an identical one for my birthday last month. He doesnt know I know about hers.

Because of the time difference they text a lot at night when he thinks I am asleep.
He lies in the bed next to me texting her and her texting back.
Saturday night I had had enough and half way through him doing this I got up out of bed and told him that I would sleep on the sofa as I was obviously in the way there.
He said he had no idea what I was talking about and as I went down the stairs I said that texting her from my bed was really not fair at all.
He stayed in bed for 10 mins and then came down and asked if I wanted a cup of tea!!!!!
I sent him back to bed and told him that I couldnt even look at him at the moment.
But after half an hour I went back up and woke him! to talk.
I asked him 2 questions and told him I didnt want him to answer them now but to think about it carefully.
I asked him to put himself in my position. How would he feel if it was me that was doing what he was doing. My words were, doing what you are doing or not doing, doing what I think you might be doing and then whatever it is that you are really doing.
I then asked him what it was that he wanted. What did he want to happen, what did he want me to do.
Then I left the room.

I slept on the sofa, he woke early but did not get up and facebooked with her for a while then got up about 11.
He came down and said sorry. But I dont know what for
We spoke later their were lots of tears on both sides and he asked me what I wanted. I said that I loved him very much and all I want is for him to be happy. Which is what I have been saying for months, but that I cannot carry on like this and he has to make a decision on what he wants. What I want is for him to love only me. He said that he didnt want to hurt me and that it had upset him thinking about the questions that I had asked, but he wasnt going to stop talking to this woman. But he would try harder to spend time and talk with me and the kids and try to be a nicer person.

So I am left in limbo. I dont want to leave him I do love him very much. Have I over reacted? is it just a fantasy for him?
I feel as though I am in the middle of throwing away my mariage for nothing.

OP posts:
lifeistough · 13/05/2010 10:58

but you can always put an extra bolt on the inside for security reasons or leave the key in the lock on the inside you don't want him barging in unannounced.

Angelcat666 · 13/05/2010 11:14

Well done MM Stay strong.

BaggyAgy · 13/05/2010 11:16

HI, so proud of you, wishing I had your courage and resolve.

You are not obliged to let him come and see the children whenever he wants. It is one way of him staying present in your life. Agree contact sessions on a regular basis which is suitable for you. If you can arrange contact outside your home, that is much better for you. If not, have some one else present, so that he feels inhibited in what he says to you. If someone else can do the handovers, or have them at a nieghbour's house, that will make them less emotional. Don't let him use the excuse of contact to the children, as an excuse for coming round when it suits him.

You need good legal advice. In my experience (ouch) men who have such affairs, have serial affairs and never really change, they just get better at concealing their behaviour.

I do admire you. Big Bid hugs of congratulations

PlumBumMum · 13/05/2010 12:14

MM, wow how this thread has moved along, hope your ok today

and I hope he feels like crap, and realises what HE has done to you and your dcs

furious27 · 13/05/2010 12:35

MM
Well done sounds like you handled it all calmly.

I think to have a bag packed ready for him to take away tonight is in good move.

But I personally would suggest changing locks, seeing solicitors etc is too soon yet.
When I first split with my ex - I felt like i'd been in a car crash. I certainly dont think you'll be in any postion to think straight. There is no need to get into all this anomosity and grand gestures - just simply ask for the key back.

You need to just breathe - take a week or so to come up for air before you do anything drastic (or expensive).

You do need to think about finances and stuff - but I strongly urge you just to let things lie a week or so.

cocolepew · 13/05/2010 12:39

Lots of good advice on here well done for being strong enough to take action

He's a prick.

Good luck x

fortyplus · 13/05/2010 13:19

This will give you space to decide whether or not you want him back. Take your time. Be aware that he will probably be taking legal advice too. Make sure that you are seen to act reasonably eg as others have said you probably shouldn't be changing locks if he jointly owns the house.

You are staying so calm and rational and that's great - you're in control of this situation now. If you do want him back then hopefully this bombshell will make him realise how strong you can be and he'll regain the respect for you that he's been squandering recently.

Your relationship will move forward on a more qual footing now he knows what you're capable of.

But I do think that he sounds the type who will get very angry, bitter and awkward if you decide to end things. Set up that separate bank account now - and a credit card too.

skidoodly · 13/05/2010 13:55

totally agree with furi

"There is no need to get into all this anomosity and grand gestures - just simply ask for the key back."

There is no percentage in moving towards a divorce before either of you have had a chance to come to terms with what has just happened. Now you both have some space to face the new reality, there's no need to rush things or make any other decisions for a while.

I also think it's a bit silly to be counselling the OP that her DH has no right to easy access to his family - of course he does, and the children will be far less upset if their Dad picks them up from their home than if some convoluted handover is put in place.

He needed to go, and he's gone. That's enough for now.

blinks · 13/05/2010 14:09

i agree- don't use kids to punish DH.

just be organised about when he comes by so that you have time to get yourself together mentally before he arrives.

lifeistough · 13/05/2010 14:40

I agree about taking your time

KristinaM · 13/05/2010 14:42

i believe that she should see a solicitor now and get advice. She doesnt have to act on the advice and she should NOT tell her husband but she needs to know the facts

a solicitor will also advise her what she cant do ( like changing the locks) and what she shoudl do ( like arranging reasonbable acess to the children)

my sister left her Dh leaving him in the marital home. she didnt do anything for months to "let the dust settle". in the meantime he emptied all their bank accounts ( they were all joint), ran up huge credit card debts ( in their names) and stopped paying any bills on the house. It took her 18 months to come to a legal agreement, sort out the debts and get access to the house, which then had to be sold. Which had been pretty much trashed in the meantime

i also think that she should remove the childrens passports from the house and give them to a trusted friend / relative. better safe than sorry

if they reconcile then he need never know any of this. its not a negotiating tactic, its an insurance policy

i agree that she shoudl see her Gp asap

skidoodly · 13/05/2010 14:52

getting legal advice a good idea - but not sending dh a solicitor's letter

menopausemad · 13/05/2010 15:07

Sort yourself first (any luck with finding a doctor or even a counsellor?), than check out your legal position (half an hour at the CAB will do this for you).

Next, and I do mean next, so am thinking a week or two, consider whether you think this might be a very short separation or something approaching a few months. If a few months tell Council Tax people (you will get a reduction) and contact Tax Credits agency (they are so very good at advising it is almost worth waiting in a telephone queue to talk rather than try the online service).

BUT first give yourself the gift of a little time. Just think. See what your husband's reaction to it all is (I would recommend not rising to anything or answering anything just watching and listening for a while) and do some more thinking. Care for your dcs, make sure they know daddy and mummy both love them, see if you can sleep and get anxiety symptomatic under control and then work out next steps.

This does not mean don't protect your joint assets if the CAB Sol says you are vulnerable, of course that should be a priority, I am just trying to say there is no rush now. Take time.

Original poster
missmama · 13/05/2010 15:10

Thanks for all your support and advice.

Did the school run this morning and was hijacked by a friend to go shopping. So have had a lovely morning out and a spendup in poundland.

I have always dealt with the money side of things. And I have a bank account that the family allowance and child tax credits go straight into that is only in my name.
I took £300 out of the joint account this morning and put it in my purse - actually I bought a new purse!- just incase he starts being funny so I have some cash. I wondered about moving some more over aswell. I also need to go food shopping as the freezer is empty.

We texted last night. To say our goodnights and love you's.
Afterwards he texted to say sorry.
I didnt want that to be the last word or go unacnowledged. So I replied with I know that you feel sorry. And that you need to know that I love you lots and would not be doing this lightly.

OP posts:
LoveBeingAHungParliament · 13/05/2010 15:12

Glad you have had a nice day, its things like this that will help you to be happy in your decision.

fortyplus · 13/05/2010 16:15

I think you have been sensible. I would be cautious about moving too much money out of the joint a/c - that could be quite inflammatory. He may clean it out as a reaction. He is contrite already - but don't make it too easy for him. He needs to realise just how ridiculous it is that he has jeopardised his marriage over a women that he has never met.

Hopefully he will grow up and you can both put this behind you. You need to be sure that you can trust him.

lifeistough · 13/05/2010 16:33

MM you seem to be doing really well, keep strong and hopefully you will get the outcome that YOU want

bintofbohemia · 13/05/2010 17:35

Tell me if I'm out of line, but the fact that you take care of all the money...Is he basically like another child you look after? And if he doesn't get what a big deal his actions are - then he's the mad one, not you.

Good on you. Sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do before you can consider rebuilding a relationship - he needs counselling, or something to get it into his head that his behaviour is total shite.

Good luck. x

Original poster
missmama · 13/05/2010 17:40

I am clock watching now as he would normally be home in a few mins

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 13/05/2010 17:48

Hope that doesn't mean your resolve is weakening Mama - stay strong. Surprised your SIL hasn't phoned you today to let you know how she got on last night?

LoveBeingAHungParliament · 13/05/2010 17:48

Has he gone to his sisters?

blinks · 13/05/2010 19:48

at any point has he said he is going to cut communications with this woman?

menopausemad · 13/05/2010 20:34

Hope you are ok....

furious27 · 13/05/2010 21:57

Just read about where ur up to - the texts last night seem v friendy for a couple that have just split up.

I totally understand you want him back- there is nothing wrong with that. But I just want to point out that this seperation will not work unless he knows you are serious.

He has to be absoultely clear that nothing less than complete cutting of contact with the ow and acknowledement of what a tit he has been will do.

Sorry if that sounds a bit ranty but you dont want to backslide.

Original poster
missmama · 13/05/2010 22:12

I am still here, he is still there.
He did go to his sisters but via the pub.
She found him at the bottom of her garden about 11 last night and put him to bed.
Needless to say he missed work today.

When I got back lunch time and did some checking up (I really should stop that now) I saw that he had been online and played some games with her. Which really upset me.
Then I saw that the last message he has sent her said
You sounded shocked, send me a message to let me know what you think about it.

OP posts: