Would you allow this?

[andtherest]

I found out that H had been going to prostitutes. We are dealing with this situation, don't want to say too much on here but we are not staying together, it was a while ago and we have been separated for a while.

However he used to do this with his best friend. This friend had been asked to be one of our dc's god father when we get them christened. I now do not want this to happen because of what the two of them did together.

H says this is unreasonable as it is not as if his best friend owed me anything. I cannot have this man as my childs godfather though. H says that he doesn't want to tell this man that he will not be dc's godfather and I should just get over it.

Opinions please.

I think I'd feel the same as you

this guy might not have been married to you, but even so - not very morally correct is it, taking your married mate to a prostitute

Definitely not! I don't blame you for not wanting his friend as a godparent, and your H should respect that decision.

If your dh is being unreasonable about it, you could always mention what happened to the vicar doing the christening, I'm sure he'd have something to say about it.

Just feel so further disrespected by the whole thing as well. Are my feelings so unimportant in this that I should just have this additional reminder in me and my childs life and just "get over it"? Can't erase H of course and wouldn't want to as far as dc are concerned but you would think wouldn't you that he would see how awful his behaviour was and not even expect me to have his best, "prostitute using" friend as a permanent part of my dc's life?

Aren't godparents supposed to provide moral guidance to a child? No way would I want this man to be godparent.

I certainly wouldn't have this man as a Godparent. I am surprised that both he and your H can't see how inappropriate this would be.
Neither of them could be considered good role models.

Thanks, the fact that he still wants him shows me how little he thinks of what he did, even though he often talks about how important his family is, how sorry he is and how he wants us to get back together. Never would.

There is no way in HELL I would allow a whore visiting bollox to stand as Godparent for my child

How could your BH (Bastard Husband) expect you to have that man near you? He and your husband are scum.

A lot of prostitutes are trafficked and abused women, very few are actually happy with their lives, men who take advantage of them are not men, they're low lifes.

Tell your BH where to go.

Oh...the moral high ground.
Everyone has done things they'd rather the vicar didn't know. Everyone has a secret that would put them in a less favourable light to others.
It doesn't necessarily make the man a bad godparent, although he might be a tosser in his own right. What did you think of him before you knew about the prostitutes?

"It doesn't necessarily make the man a bad godparent, although he might be a tosser in his own right".

You're kidding right? unless these men were spend their money at the higher rent end of the market the likelihood is that they are both RAPISTS. A lot of prostitutes in this country are trafficked women who have no choice in being sold for sex. NO CHOICE! Men who frequent them are therefore serial rapists.

Why should she have a possible rapist as a godparent for her child?? If she found out he was a drug dealer or a child molester would that be acceptable? No.

I am sorry OP but you need to tell your ex that either he retracts the offer to his friend or you will go public on why he is not welcome.

Do not saddle your child with some morally bankrupt festering pox-ridden excuse for a man as a godfather.

Yes, every woman wants a man who colluded with her husband and was his prostitute visiting buddy ( which is weird in itself, they went ^together? ewwwww ) to be a god parent to their child .
Even if the man hadn't been his whoring buddy and he simply knew what the husband had been up to, I still wouldn't want him there, in any capacity.

No way in hell, ever.

No, I'm not kidding. I just think there aren't as many saints in MN as purported. We don't live in a perfect world where everyone behaves with 100% integrity and without ever having done something regrettable or shameful.
Oh to be surrounded by so many flawless people.
Technically the vicar shouldn't be christening children whose parents aren't happily married either - should he?

The ethical and moral debate about prostitution is different.
Sex trafficking or anything non-consensual - wholly wrong.
Paying for sex - this has gone on since the dawn of time. As a society we need to grow up about it, frankly.

the fact that this man went with your H and knowingly deceived you would be the reason i would say absolutely not.

the issue regarding the prostitutes being trafficked or not wouldn't even come into it because i couldn't get past the trust issue.

there's a different between being a flawed person and a married man who pays for sex with women that he does not know whether they have chosen to be prostitutes or have been forced into it.

The husband deceived her...not his friend.

I totally disagree with you gay40. No, nobody is perfect, but there are mistakes and there are outright disrepectful betrayal 'mistakes'. The whole point of having a godparent is that they are there to provide extra moral guidance and support for the children. People you trust to be there for your children when you cannot be. If the best mate was in on the act, so to speak, then how can he provide that? the fact that he was involved in the deception and utter betrayal of OP and therefore the subsequent breakdown of her marriage would rule him out completely IMO. Stick to your guns OP and don't be bullied.

the friend supported and accompanied the H in his choice to do something which he knew would devastate their marriage and was a complete breach of trust.

this man would not be appropriate to guide a child in their moral journey through life. he does not make good moral choices. that imo rules him out. end of.

Don't think I could stand to have him as godparent if I'm honest, but do agree with the rest of gay40's post, calling people who visit prostitutes rapists is incredibly OTT.

While there are the cases of trafficking and such, the majority of brothels are 'staffed' by people who, for lnd reason or another, choose to be there.

Whether you find it morally right or wrong is your own opinion.

Gay40, do you know many prostitutes? I do. I have worked on sexual health projects and I can state categorically that the vast majority of prostitutes are either a) trafficked women or b) extremely ill drug addicts, or c) trafficked women with serious drug problems. Without question, they are predominantly extremely vulnerable women, often with very serious mental health problems. The men who pay for them are scum, as far as I'm concerned.

And as for this mythical 'high end' prostitution - it barely exists outside of the imaginations of Belle du Jour readers.

So yes, I do take the moral high ground over this, as would any decent person, and NO, I would most certainly not wish to entrust a man who I knew to be using prostitutes as some sort of role model or guide to my children.

(Actually, I would be talking to a solicitor re: divorce right now if this were my marriage, but it isn't...)

When you think about it, properly, for five minutes, you will realise it is NOT incredibly OTT to call men who visit prostitutes rapists. That is what they quite often are, whether or not they are conscious of it.

I only allude to a high end market as a way of saying that there are no doubt some women who DO freely choose to make money this way but they won't be the trafficked Chinese and Ukrainian and Eastern European women who this pair of charmers were using and abusing...

from what I know of the sex worker scene, women face a poverty of choice, with 'poverty' being the choice word. It isn't a free market.

Having said that, 'rapist' is inaccurate and excessive.

Still, one can see why mr prostitute user wouldn't be first choice for providing moral and Christian guidance.