is a fresh start ever really possible

[bubble1]

have decided after much angst to try to make a go of my marriage. however, this decision has not removed the lack of trust i have in hubby...am constantly checking his emails etc. will my marriage survive without trust...really need to make it work for sake of kids.
biggest problem is that he wants sex...tonite...and i just cant with this trust issue...how do i put him off without causing another argument

Why don't you trust him?

long story...u would have to read my other stuff. but basically i need to know how to get round this sex thing, just cannot face it...or argument about it

no relationship will work without trust. id work on it through counselling if your both willing.

trust is a major issue, without it i think a relationship is dead in the water no matter what you do

trust can be rebuilt, but it takes work on both sides

Why do you need to get round the sex thing, or get your head round it ? Is it really wise to force yourself , or to find reasons to avoid sex with a man who you dont trust ?

Dont make excuses and dont put him off, if you dont want sex, just say so, its your body after all. After reading your other thread i wouldnt have thought hes in a position to have an argument about sex after whats happened !

i just feel that i dont trust him still...have actually looked into downloading a spy onto his pc...that not good is it...sex is just too intimate for me but he thinks because i have made the decision to stay in the marriage, sex is back on the menu...all is back to normal.

Then dont have sex with him and insist on some counselling. Never mind what he thinks, you can say no you know, he doesnt get to argue with you about it. Fwiw i wouldnt go near him if i thought theyd beeen an ow and id be getting a check up and insisting on counselling .

Have you thought about counselling ?

thing is...if i refuse him sex wont that make situation worse, he might think well if im not getting it from her i will look for it elsewhere..pc already crammed full of porn...dont think it can hold anymore! he says he needs porn on pc as he has to satisfy himself somehow

A decent human and partner wouldn't go elsewhere, no.

You can't sleep with him purely because you fear he will go elsewhere otherwise!

If he has cheated, he owes you the time to recover and heal before even thinking about being allowed to share your body. When and whether you choose to do so is entirely up to you.

You shouldn't have to live in fear of him shagging around, what kind of a life is that for you?

From your OP

"will my marriage survive without trust...really need to make it work for sake of kids."

It wont survive without trust but if he has put you through infidelity then trust is something he will have to earn and not something that will or should (re)appear as if by magic.

You really don't need to make this work for the sake of the kids. Far better for them to grow up in a healthy single parent family than an unstable and unhealthy marriage.

Think about what you want to teach them about how to go about their lives, how to manage their relationships and about how to grow up with self respect. They will learn most of these things from how they see you allow yourself to be treated.

Trust has to be earned.

You cannot "just trust somebody".

It has to be built over time.

The sex issue, IMO, has nothing to do with trust.

And by the way, you don't ever have to "make it work for the kids". That is absolutely the wrong reason to stay in a marriage. They would far rather see their mummy happy and on her own with them than miserable for their sake. And long term, what example does that set for them?

mmm...see your point about setting an example for he kids

How do you feel about the pc being crammed full of porn ? When you do have sex is it nice, or is he just using you to get himself off ? Does he feel you owe him sex ? Do you ?

My ex had not one pc crammed full of porn, but several large external hardrives too. Wasnt nice, and i think it contributed to his constant letching and groping . Frankly i think he stopped seeing me as a person and began to see me as a pair of boobs and a vagina that he should have access to whenever he felt like. Also he obviously thought i should be like the women he watched in these films, gasping and moaning and willing to do anything , so there was plenty of criticism from him too.

I dont think your going to be able to paper over the cracks here bubbles. The trust issue really will have to be dealt with , and you really shouldnt feel like if you dont have sex hell go elsewhere, its really no way to live .

Again, have you thought about counselling, just for yourself ?

managed to accidentally fall asleep on sofa last night but i cant do that every night can i?
no i do not like the porn on pc, makes me feel ugly, fat and rubbish at sex. keep removing it but he just gets more...seems to mostly celeb stuff like paris hilton and britney spears.
also cannot really see how counselling on my own will help...does he not have to be there too?

by the way what does it mean if i share this thread on facebook...what exactly happens?

You shouldnt have to accidently fall asleep on the sofa to avoid sex, your an grown woman, if you dont want sex you just say so .
If he cant respect that you need to look at why your still with him. Why cant you just say look, until this trust issue has been resolved i wont be having sex with you.? Do you not feel you have any rights over your own body , or that your entitled to be pissed off ?

Counselling alone might help you explore why your in a marriage with a man you dont trust, who you also dont feel comfortable saying no to.

took your advice and explained to him that sex was not an option until my feelings change...he agreed but his face was a picture!

Dignified, your boundaries, and confidence seem to be knocked at the moment. In order for YOU to survive your relationship crisis, how do you think you can restore yourself?

Dignified, do you think you may be able to trust your oh again?

Dignified, there has been talk of staying together for the children, that can take many forms, is the trust so bad that you think that your children would be safer with you in the marriage as apposed to them being with your ex for contact?

When trust is broken, lies, selfishness and deceipt are often the cause, it is difficult to trust your children with a liar and a cheat, and sometimes people feel more in control and better enabled to protect children if they can see what is going on.

Things are so much more complicated when children are involved.

I am a single parent, I had no choice about the end of my marriage, believe it or not you are in a powerfull position right now, which I wonder if you realise you are or not!

You do not have to forgive, you do not have to stay, you do not have to leave, or force your oh to leave.

What do you want for your family? How do you feel you can go about achieving it?

bubble, apologies, I called you dignified in my post, lol x

what i really want is for none of this mess to have happened in first place...but thats just wishful thinking.
i honestly, hand on heart do not want my kids to have to move backwards and forwards from my place to their dads every weekend or so...i did not sign up for that! you read every day about kids going off the rails without a male prescence, and mine are pretty wild already thanks.
i know that trust takes a long time to rebuild but can it be done or is there always going to be this 'thing' between us?
has anybody else managed to get over a similar issue and carry on with the marriage...or does it just not happen?[sceptical]

Actually bubble1, I think you're under-estimating what your kids are already learning from the way you and your H conduct your relationship. Based on your other threads, it seems that despite the fact that you're both in your forties, you behave like children with one another.

I'm astonished that you're even asking whether trust can be restored - how can it, when your response to your H conducting extra-marital relationships has been to engage in tit-for-tat Facebook wars, sulking on the sofa and using sex as a weapon?

Until you have an adult dialogue with your H about closing his Facebook account and more importantly, why he is doing this, your relationship doesn't stand a chance.

The mind boggles at what your DCs are learning from you two.

Although wishfull thinking it is something you need to grieve for, the fact this mess has come into your life!

I understand your fear about family breakup, it is something you can live with, it is not ideal!

Only you and your ex can answer if the trust can be fixed, you know you both the best!

Do you actually want to rebuild your relationship (kids aside)?

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with your oh?

What age are your children?

Have you thought through the practicalities of seperation?

Have you got much support socially?

whenwillifeelnormal, I hear that you have been reading other threads, I have not read, from your comments, it looks like bubble has been throughout this crisis in her life at the moment reverted to the child part of herself, and is looking for us to parent her, what would be helpfull for Bubble, would be for her to engage her own adult part of herself again to deal with the difficult situation she has found herself in, as the child part is not helping.

Just to let you all know, that many many people regress at times of pain to child, it is nothing to be ashamed of or abnormal in anyway!

Erm...I think many of us know this mummiehunnie - perhaps you should read the other threads.

I don't feel you should have sex with anyone that you don't want too and being married to him doesn't give him the right to make you.

whenwillifeelnormal...i do, believe it or not, realise that my behaviour over past few weeks has been somewhat erratic...but when you are in the midst of a marriage breakdown, you will find that you do tend to act out of character.
all i can say is it must be nice as obviously in your case, when you have arguments, problems with your partner you both manage to act so grown up and mature and probably never argue at all.
and yes...i did to some point revert to childish behaviour... in an attempt to protect myself...not because i thought it was funny ha ha.
removing myself from his list of friends on facebook has removed the temptation to spy on him...i think thats a pretty mature start dont you?