is a fresh start ever really possible

[bubble1]

have decided after much angst to try to make a go of my marriage. however, this decision has not removed the lack of trust i have in hubby...am constantly checking his emails etc. will my marriage survive without trust...really need to make it work for sake of kids.
biggest problem is that he wants sex...tonite...and i just cant with this trust issue...how do i put him off without causing another argument

Bubble, I can only reiterate what has been said before

You don't feel he has sufficiently rebuilt the trust between you so feel uncomfortable being intimate with him

You worry if you don't open your legs he will find it elsewhere

Against your wishes, he continues to fill his pc with porn

Nobody should have to degrade themselves so much, to hang onto a relationship that is clearly all on his terms and tbh, he sounds like an absolute fucking tosser. You don't even sound like you even like him...

Your children deserve a mother with better self-respect than this

In answer to the questions in your last post bubble, no, I don't think even more Facebook activity is a mature way of behaving. And I don't think you reverted to being childish "at one point". I think you're being childish still. Only you know whether you normally conduct your relationship in an adult way and this is a temporary aberration - from some of the questions you pose, I'd doubt it.

not read all threads so sorry if i hurt any1s feelin but here goes my opinoin...
i hate being in a relationship and them liking porn better makes me feel like they would rather have a dirty porn star on their lap than the woman they say they love..
no1 owes any sex to any1 your body do what you want with it my opinoin is get some1 who deserves to be with you respect you and your kids dont rush into it and dont let your kids see if your having different men atall not saying you dont hang about sorry if i do upset you your kids want a happy mummy they will soon realise if your miserable all the time my 10 month old does for a slack daddy fair enough he works but anything else is rubbish now i think get some who respects us!! sorry for being so long

Not only is this relationship not salvagable but trying to 'fix' it wil do you far more damage than breaking it up. Neither you nor this man like, love or respect each other in the least. Check out all your legal rights re benefits/the house etc and tell him the relationship is over. Then you can start to recover.

Hi bubble,

Sometimes, people do something that is called projection, in that they accuse someone else of things they do, so for example they will hurt someone and then accuse someone else or the person they hurt of causing the hurt, to discrecit or just to hurt someone for some reason only known to them, and sometimes they are not aware of why they feel the need to attack, it has become such second nature!

Bubble, as I said before, when faced with traumatic times in our lives, many many people, revert to child behaviour, the fear, the not being able to think for one's self, it is such a normal situation.

I don't know what has been written in your other thread, all I know is what others are writing on this one, and I am going on this thread.

Bubble, how can you get out of the victim role and feeling childlike, and start taking control of your life and thinking in your adult again, as I am very sure you did before this trauma in your life?

Why do you think you feel the need for others to tell you what to do and do your thinking for you right now?

What kind of support do you have in real life?

Bubble, you are in a difficult time in your life right now, you need to take care of yourself, how can you do that?

take care x

Bubble, I also wanted to add, that once a relationship ends, it does not mean the end of negativity between parents, there could be a long, painfull, nasty drawn out divorce, custody or contact issues, and financial issues, that may be used as leverages between you both, regardless of you staying or going, your children will be stuck in the middle, ie they will have parental conflict either way, what can you do at the moment when you do have some power in the situation to sort out the problems you and your oh have, do you want to sort them out?

It is not a case of one of your leaves and all is rosey in the garden, however saying that it is not good for children to live in world war two in their home either, some sort of healthy resolving of the matter is required, it will mean, the games have to be cut through and adult thinking will need to be restored, that does not happen over night or on it's own, it takes work, how do you think you will be able to do that Bubble?

thanx to the last THREE people who offered advice.

difficult to talk to other friends as they are his friends too...so not really a viable option.
its not a case of the kids being in a war zone...yes we have argued but we now have a cold politeness..no shouting.
if i leave we will end up living in dump...lets be honest, the chances of me finding a family home for £80,000 is not going to happen. we would be lucky to find a 1 bed flat!
yes...i could leave and take them away from their lovely 4 bed home and make them move to a tiny shared-garden council house..but they did not ask for this to happen did they.

so basically, as i have already said, i HAVE to at least try and that does not make me a matryr or a victim.
all i wanted to know was if anybody elses marriage had been through this and come out the other side intact...that is all

and do you have your answer, bubble ?

I wish you all the best, however x

Hi Bubble,

You sound in so much pain and so very torn on what to do.

I am sorry that the only friends you have are mutual one's, it is understandable that you do not want to discuss things with them, have you got any idea's on how you could discuss the issues, with someoneelse, maybe someone professional?

I can so relate to your issue with leaving the marital home, I also have a lovely 4 bedroom home, and we have little equity in it to rehome us, it is now on the market, I was discussing with a very good friend, and she suggested renting, I was put back, as I had always been brought up to buy your own property, she told me that when she sold her property, that she had not bought as I had thought her latest property, but she had actually been renting, and that she had put the equity she had away in a savings account after receiving financial advice from a professional. It is something that I am now considering, I need to replace my car, I won't have to worry about upkeep of a rented house it will be done for me by the landlord (which is a problem as a single parent with little support), and I can book some good holidays for the children, rather than struggling along financially and practically, during their childhood. I know it is not what I wanted for them and me, it is however the only good solution in this sort of situation.

The thing is bubble, people can suggest this that the other to you, and you can find reasons why it is not viable, and go around in circles, avoiding making a decision, and taking control of the situation you are in.

How do you think you can get things to progress forward in a positive way for yourself and your children Bubble?

things seem to be going downhill fast now...hubby has become distant and is basically acting as though i am in the wrong not him.
he saw my letter from solicitors and was amazed...i think he didnt really believe that i had been to see one.
now i am being made to feel that i am the guilty party and that i should grovel to him for affection.
although we have had sex he has not once said he loves me...am i wrong in expecting this?
no trust on my part...just get the feeling that he is almost laughing at my attempts to save this marriage....just will not show any affection towards me.
am tempted to just give up and go...need advice.

Hi Bubble

I know you really didn't like my advice last time (or at least the way I termed it) but I do think you should take your own feelings very seriously

There is nothing to hang onto here

You cannot save a relationship if he is not doing his part

You are compromising your self-respect...and for what ? A few crumbs of affection he is unwilling to give ?

Stop having sex with him...he is using you

Get out of this spiral, before your self-esteem is so low you would be willing to put up with anything

Agree with Af.
You have compromised your self respect by having sex with him. Has he or you been tested for stds ?

Your actually asking if your wrong to expect him to say he loves you , this is how screwed up this has got.

Hes cheated, hes not sorry, he blames you , he bullys you for sex , what exactly are you getting out of this ?

What on earth would you say to your daughter if she was being teated like this ?

Dignified, poor bubble got the exact same advice last time, but went off on a rant at posters all around the board for daring to tell her what was staring her in the face

bubble, love, I try to understand why women find it so difficult to call time on crap relationships, but if you ask for advice, you have to at least try to take some of it on board...

it must be very hard to accept it is over...but it most categorically is

I don't know the history of this, other than this thread, Bubble, it looks to me as if you are so despirate for love and to have a relationship you would take anything, I wonder why your self esteem and self worth are so low, have you ever looked into why that could be?

Bubble, the thing is people will get frustrated with you, as you seem to enjoy being in the position of victim, and complaining about it, whilst doing nothing to help yourself, it is hard for people who care to sit by and watch distruction like that, as they feel helpless and unheard, and it hurts them to see what is happening, the only sort of people who stand by and watch are the sort you don't want around, the one's who enjoy your pain, and the one's who manipulate things to get worse for you for the drama of it all, it is your life Bubble, and you can do what you want with it, only you can change things, only if you actually want to, you know what to do to make things better, I don't think you are yet at a point where you want things to be better Bubble, you have my best wishes anyways x

Just another little voice, trying to get you to love yourself for a change, Bubble. You've got yourself into a vicious circle, where it's become about winning instead of loving. You're in a battle, not a mrriage. All of us who've been there feel for you - we know how this happens, and how it feels as if you're clinging on to a bit of dignity. Saving your pride, if you like.

In actual fact, the proudest thing you can do is to accept that it is over. Your dignity will come back when you start caring about your own contentment, and put an end to this horrible situation.

am gutted...my hubby has finally, after weeks of denial, admitted affair.
he told me before he went out to the pub.
was hoping against hope that it really was me just jealously over reacting.
what am i going to do now, i really cant believe he could do this to me and his kids after 10 years together.
have spent last few weeks believing that i was going insane...imagining things that he denied over and over.
but its now all out in open...feel so alone.

ah Bubble, I am so sorry, I bet you are in terrible shock and pain, big hugs to you.

That is the trouble when you have been together for so long and have children, and they have odd behaviour like that hun, of course you think you are goign mad when someone denies stuff over and over and you know in your heart of heart that your instincts are right, yet you are being told by someone you have given your trust to that you are wrong, you know waht Bubble, you know you can trust yourself, you know that you are worth more than this man, and you know you are not unwell, that you have had someone mess with your head, it has to stop now Bubble, you can't allow him to continue messing with your head, as he will hun, what can you do to keep yourself and your children safe now?

I see this sort of thing over and over with some of the contacts I have and people are in denial for so long, they can't accept things that are as plain as day, others can't either as they are scared for their own reasons and they convince themselves that it can't be as it is, that is ok, lots of people do it, I have myself, the truth sometimes is ugly, the thing is when you have got through this no one will do anything like this to you again, you will have lost some nievity and innocence and it is sad, you will know how a twisted mind works as you have had to deal with one, but no one will ever do it to you again x x x things will work out ok in the end, and you will be ok, keep posting x

have already seen a solicitor who has told me that i have two options:
leave the house and find temp accommodation until house is sold and proceeds split. that will leave me about £80,000 to find a house for me and 3 kids...not feasible where i live
option 2 is to stay in the house, move into one of the kids rooms, move them in to share with another child and live in same house but with sep lives...how in gods name is that going to work?
am i just supposed to turn a blind eye when he brings his tart back to sleep...or rather have noisy sex...in our marital bed while i lie in the box room listening!!!

I am so sorry

why can he not move out ?

the thing that really, really , really pisses me off is not the fact that he has betrayed me...but the fact that he has betrayed his kids...how could he, they are innocent.
now we will probably end up living in some temp emergency housing hole that is next door to junkies etc...al because he couldnt keep his dick in his trousers.
am so so angry on their behalf.

anyfucker...in answer to your question, as the solicitor pointed out to me, i could not possibly stay in the house and he just move out because i could not afford to service the mortgage...i dont work, fulltime mum and bloody proud of it, he a plumber and we all know they r robbing bastards

So sorry to hear of your problems, bubble. I do think relationships can be fixed, but it requires effort from both parties, and I think probably extra effort from the person who "broke" it in the first place. It doesn't sound like your DH is really trying, tbh.

What has he suggested should happen next? I would have thought that to preserve some stability for the children, who are blameless, he should be the one to move out while things are sorted. I really don't see why you should move out at all. What did the solicitor say?

bubble...he would have to support you (the dc are his, yes ?)

and you need to take advice on benefits, etc

it should be the last resort that you move your kids away from all they know

I am sure there will be others along soon who can give you practical advice

ring CAB tomorrow