is a fresh start ever really possible

[bubble1]

have decided after much angst to try to make a go of my marriage. however, this decision has not removed the lack of trust i have in hubby...am constantly checking his emails etc. will my marriage survive without trust...really need to make it work for sake of kids.
biggest problem is that he wants sex...tonite...and i just cant with this trust issue...how do i put him off without causing another argument

X-posts. If he can afford the mortgage at present, I still see no reason why you and the children should move out. I've no real experience of things like this, but if his income is likely to be hard to prove, I would be printing off and keeping bank statements as some proof of his earnings, and any other financial info. I don't know the ins and outs of it, but if you divorce he will still have to pay you maintenance for you and the children, and as a single mother (hate that term, sorry) you should hopefully be eligible for other help to make sure you and the children have a decent home, or be able to afford the home you are in.

This is not your fault. I would be sitting tight and getting proper financial and legal advice before moving out. I think once you move out, it would be hard to get back in, iyswim. Make sure you get what you are owed.

dont think i can bear to stay in same house as him any longer

am really sorry, but don't make any hasty decisions just yet

Is the house in joint names? If this happened to me, I would insist that he move out. If he is in any way decent he would realise the pain and devastation he has caused and move out of his own accord, actually. I understand you not wanting to be around him, but why should you move out??

What is he saying?

dont really know what to do.
solicitor has told me that:
i cannot afford to pay mortgage
it would not be FAIR...FAIR? to let me live in house and make hubby pay mortgage AND have to pay for somewhere else to live...why the fuck cant he just piss off and move in with his tart?
i wil not be classed by counil as URGENT as he has not been physically ABUSIVE just emotionally i am well and truly stuck
how the hell do i carry on living in same house without putting kids thru hell
i just want to do what farah fawcett did in THE BURNING BED

You need to get a new solicitor. How the fuck is it unfair for you and the kids to stay in the family home when your H has chosen to have an affair???

i dont know...al i can tell you is what the solicitor told me...it would not be fair for my lying, cheating, scumbag hubby to pay £647.00 per month to keep a roof over his kids heads. Apparently. he deserves to 'make a new life' for himself too.

but its okay for me to move myself and my kids into a grotty b and b or stay in the house whiost he shags his new girlfriend sensless in MY FUCKING BEDROOM!!!

That really doesn't make sense to me either. I would definitely see a different solicitor. It would indeed be "fair" for your odious DH to pay to keep a roof over your children's heads. This situation is of his making, and he needs to pay (financially) for his choices.

I know a couple of men who have moved out and let wife and kids have the house, even though it was the wife who had the affair and called time on the marriage. I'm not sure that is "fair" tbh, but in the eyes of the law it seems to have been (although I don't know the details, obviously)

i also confused...all my solicitor seemed to be concerned with was not so much immediate housing as me beiing able to buy somewhere after selling this house
i can understand him saying that i could not afford to pay mrtgage 0n this house...but what i dont understand is that the woman down the road lives in bigger house...hubby moved out (she is having the affair) has 9 year old son, her hubby has new home...everybody seems happy. he is obviously paying mortgage on wifes home AND paying for his new home, even though shes the one who has had the affair.
so what am i doing wrong here?

Well. I suppose it could come to having to sell the house- but surely that would be way down the road and decided by the courts in the proceedings?? In the meantime, I would stay put, and ask your DH to move out (has he said he won't??)

he is adament that he will not move out...house in his name so as far as hes concerned its his house...not mine..i just have to put up or shut up...am now back to sleeping on sofa
want to just walk out and go to a motel but absolutely will not leave my kids with him....i am their main carer not him

So what does he expect you to do?? Does he think this is a reasonable situation to put you in?? I am very on your behalf. Please don't let him bully you into letting him have it all his own way. Definitely seek better legal advice.

bubble -I'm so sorry for your situation. But I do think you need to see a different solicitor. I am no expert (am a law student) but have some idea that in the eyes of a court, your children (and you) being able to stay in the family home takes precedence. Really sorry I can't remember anything more useful but please try and see a solicitor who specialises in family and divorce law rather than just a high street solicitor who deals with everything. all the best to you x

my solicitor told me he did specialise in family law...plus i am on legal aid...cant afford to shop around and be picky

There must be someone on here who has knowledge/ experience of these things, bubble. Don't do anything until you know where you stand. I know this must be really horrible for you right now, and you are bearing up really well, but this is about your children's future as well, so take your time and make sure you get all the info you need. And keep us posted

bubble...maybe you could repost with some specific questions about your legal/housing situation

the house is in his name but he has to support the children...that will most likely mean they stay where they are and he goes

he will have to be very strong...gather as much advice as you can and front it out...possibly for months

that will be very hard...but this is your children's home

I completely understand where you r coming from anyfucker...but theres just no way i could afford to stay in this house even though it is the kids home.
mortgage repayments are horrendous and i am not working...not done since first child was born ( i believe its a womans right to stay at home with young children so please dont nag me for not working).
i too was of the opinion that the parents split, hubby moves out and gets a flat or something and wife stays in house with children...god that sounds so money-diggerish! anyway, apparently thats not how it works...hubby is not expected by law to move out and continue paying mortgage...even if it is for benifit of his children.
if i want to stay in this house i either have to buy him out (roughly £100,000...just raid my piggybank) or ( and i just cant imagine doing this) stay in one of kids bedrooms, prove to social that we r living seperate lives (how) and claim benefits if he wont give me any money to live on...they r my legal choices...shit!!!

Bubbles, dont panic, your situation is similar to mine. Firstly, legal aid or not, you can change soliciter, you need to feel that they are on your side , youve not had good advice.

Find a differant soliciter, or change to another in their practise. He is abusing you emotionally . Ask them to write to him stating the enviroment is not good for the dcs and what living arrangements will he be making now your marriage is over. Start divorce proceedings.

Get to the jobcentre and explain, make an application for income support. Also apply to tax credits .Explain your marriage has broken down, they have seen it all before.

When you get income support you are also entitled to help with the interest on your mortgage , 100 per cent of it in fact , so if you change your mortgage to interest only you dont need to worry about mortgage payments.

Hes saying he wont go, but he will, but that depends on what you do now. Have you told your freinds and family ? If not, do, get all the support you can.

Do NOT move into the kids room , have your family and freinds visit, push him out, make him uncomfortable, dont wash his clothes dont cook his meals.

If he yells at you , call the police. He will go, and its entireley possible for you to keep the house, at least for the next few years. Dont forget hell be paying maintenace , you can ask the court for a order so he contributes towards the mortgage ect.

Start copying bank statements, close any joint ones, dont underestimate how low they can stoop . Stand your ground.
Your lawyer sounds shit.

Good advice there

You're married - doesn't matter whose name the house is in, you BOTH own everything jointly! You can go to the Citizens Advice Bureau and fill in a form for the Land registry, which registers your "marital home rights" (i think it's called). It prevents anyone selling the house without your say-so.

A visit to the CAB would do you the world of good, in terms of finding out your proper rights & what to expect.

I had a solicitor like yours, she was a hopeless wimp. I didn't find out any of this stuff until after he'd shafted me every which way. Luckily, you've got Mumsnet on your side!

Hi bubble

I spoke to a solicitor last year on a similar issue. Our house is in my DH's name only, we both work (and we have a toddler). DH pays the mortgage, I pay for other stuff eg holidays, stuff for the DC and I do the lions share of the cooking and childcare. My sol told me that even with only my DHs name on the deeds of the house, a court would likely rule that I could remain in the house with my DC given that the child was young, and more importantly, that contributions to a marriage are more than just financial - you look after the house, the DCs and I expect you do the cooking etc with little or no help too. So its not 100% about the names on the deeds, and definitely not when children are concerned. Thats probably why that woman down the road has stayed in her house.

So without being any authority on this at all, I would just say that your sol seems not to have taken into account the fact that you have children and the fact that you contribute to the family/household too. My opinion only.

Sorry if this sounds rushed, I have not read the entire post and I am at work at the mo...

I didnt go through with the divorce plans (got a free half hour session where I was told the above) as I decided to stay with DH after his affair, as a few MN-ers have been posing about recently... Its hard.

But good luck to you. x

Good one ItsGraceAgain - I put a charge on the house using the Land Registry website too, it was free and took effect within 24hrs. Very helpful on the phone. It means that DH cannot sell the house until that charge (which shows that you have an interest in the property) is lifted. A judge can lift it (as can you if you choose to) but as far as I know, not much else can budge it.

And as far as I know, if you are expected to buy him out, that would be when the DCs are 16/18 (can't recall exactly) in many cases. He could say he cant afford to pay both the mortgage and for a new place for himself, so try to force a sale sooner, but I would HOPE that with DCs involved that would not happen. But that might be too idealistic...?

Sorry again for rushing.

Hey bubble- good to see that the people with some experience of the legal stuff have arrived to your thread! Was just thinking, it might even be worth posting for specific advice in the legal section, as the things your solicitor have told you don't seem to ring true with what I have seen happening in RL cases. How are you feeling today?

Only read OP.

Firstly "make it work for sake of kids"

Secondly my ex cheated on me, several times (I was a different person back then) and I agreed to give our relationship another go and forgive him etc etc and he too assumed sex was back on the menu straight away.

This is a huge generalisation I know and I really dont buy in to stereotypes but a lot of men see sex as non emotional so to him its just an itch that needs scratching. You need to tell him that to you, sex is a lot to do with trust and intimacy and you're just not ready for it now.

Dont just avoid it or make excuses etc, confront it.

I'd put money on the fact that you are worried that if you dont resume your sex life with him he will go off and cheat again?

I'm so sorry I arrived late to the party (hardly a party) Just read the whole thread and I am clearly way behind on this!

I gisagree with what some of you are saying reagrds staying in the house and makinghim move out.

Firstly he may not actually be able to afford to rent AND pay the mortgage. I'm not saying poor him, he deserves to be shat on froma great height. But if he cant pay for two house, he cant pay for two house. Who can?

Also, if thi shappened then Bubble is forever more living in a home that he is paying the mortgage on and thus demendant on this piece of shit forever more.

My advice would be.. stay there. In the big 'marital room' until everything is sorted financially. Then take the £80 and rent somewhere smaller but a damn sight happier.

Look for a job, easier said than done I know, but not impossible.

And bring up your kids to see that if you're in a shit situation you can work your way out of it, have freedom and control over your destiny.

Bubble, youve got a shit time ahead and one hell of a struggle but I really dont think that staying beholden to this wanker for anylonger than necessary is doing you any favours.

Show your kids what a woman you are!!!!