'But We Took You to Stately Homes' Part 2...a thread for adult children of abusive families

[therealsmithfield]

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/angry/hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/lifetime experiences of being hurt/angry etc by our parent?s behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotional abused and/or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesnt have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/or current parental contact has left you feeling damaged falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful if you have come this far and are still not sure wether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts;.

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect you feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defenses that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety will undoubtedly us it during confrontation to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behavior. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offenses against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behavior. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get," or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ....

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realize that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller

Personality Disorders definition

follow up to pages first thread

Im sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out grin. I personally dont claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will recieve a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support.

Happy Posting (smithfield posting as therealsmithfield)

she once sent me these awful baggy shirts when I was going on holiday because 'I would need to cover up a bit' - I mean I was only three months post birth and she had a point. Again I was going on holiday with the ILs but she always had to get a dig in about my weight and usually when I was happy or looking forward to something like said holiday. I think I was grown up enough to know how to dress appropiately by the pool and was well aware that I was overweight and not bikini material. What an odd thing to do on reflection

Sorry for ramblings, don't expect reply just enjoying getting these memories down in words

My weight often fluctuated due to disordered eating. Of course this had nothing to do with their obsession with me being thin and control around food

I became so hyper sensitive about my weight especially to them. I had put on weight in my second year of uni and a good old friend said to me 'there is nothing of you'. Now I know she was being kind, I wasn't skinny by any stretch of the imagination but I blurted out what friend had said to my GM as defence against yet another dig at my weight. She spat back what a ridiculous thing to say and then when I went back to uni sent a really unflattering photo of me posing in a manner which gave me a double chin and made me look much bigger than I was. No comment came with the photo to give it an innocent story e.g. 'I liked this one of you'

No she knew it made me look fat so she sent it to say 'see your friend was wrong and I am right'

At the time the head wreckingness of it all made me doubt what I knew but oh boy I know now.

She once raged at me because I hadn't paid to have birthday flowers sent on the morning of her birthday. I had saved up my money and was going to pick them up from the florist on the way home from school - I was 14. She was mad that she had to wait all day for her present. I think the rage included usual torrents of abuse such as 'I hate you and wish you has never been born'

What I find so eerie is that she is so quiet, cold and emotionally unflinching most of the time (except when she is in martyr mode). She just never exposed herself to others and kept her own abuse and my SGF's well concealed behind our front door. It was hardly ever physical abuse but the scars are mental and long lasting

Neglect was part of it though. I mean I was well enough turned out not to raise suspicions but health problems were never dealt with properly. I once fell off a canon on which I sat to have a photo taken. It is quite a fall and I limped round the castle for the rest of the day as I didn't want to moan (I was about 7). I limped and limped for weeks but was never taken to the doctors. Yet she liked to dramatise such incidences as these with no recognition that she failed me. It makes me think of that Munchausen by Proxy. I never remember being cared for when I was ill, they both just seemed annoyed by it all. Usually they blamed me in some way like I had stepped out of their perfect script by being ill. She did the basics but love and compassion was not there.

I find it tough when my kids are ill and yes maybe a slight narcissistic voice in my head resents a little bit the broken nights and being cooped up with no help but my priority is sympathising with them and getting them better and medical attention if needed

Good for you, Rose, you understood the value of care & concern for a sick child even though you hadn't had it yourself.

You're taking huge strides through that mirror at the moment, aren't you I found it both horrifying and liberating, once such things started to fall into place. Are you feeling okay?

I'm sorry but your underwear story made me guffaw - it's so exactly what my mum would do! Neither mother seems to realise what the gift says about her to onlookers. Bit of an own goal, methinks.

Message withdrawn

Diving it makes perfect sense and whilst you will be missed on this thread, you just do what feels right to you

It is exhausting feeling like your brain is split into two places - trying to live in the present but also living in the past to try and make sense of oneself. Unfortunately it can affect our children and partners. However always remember that you are entitled to focus on yourself at times, you are special and worth it.

This is not a straight forward journey and there is no right answer. You may find a hiatus is what you need, you may find you need to come back to self-sorting at some point - or maybe not. It is not a straight trajectory (sp?)

Your words are very wise and I too feel I need to move on and start concentrating on my present life. I think that will come to us all eventually, maybe not completely as the past will always affect us. But I like to think that we will all heal sufficiently that we can live to our full potential in the present without the hurts from the past dominating our thoughts and triggering us all the time.

Take car Diving and post anytime

Message withdrawn

diving Are you my twin?
Your last two posts have encapsulated much of what I have been feeling today.
Things very much came to a head emotionally speaking yesterday. Sobbed into Dh's arms. I feel/fear he is getting tired of it all, hence the online counselling.
Yesterday was due to a culmination of guilt (for my emotional absence in the here and now), brought closer to her than Ive been in some time so thankyou)....oh and meeting my mother in the lift .
So...I understand exactly what you are saying and where you are coming from and in fact I needed to hear it myself.
It is about living in the here and now before the here and now disapears..life is so short and I am grateful (like you) I have enough of it left to make a difference. I want to feel excited about the future and look forward and I want to make the most of this amazing opportunity to spend more time with my beautiful DD.
I am fast becoming obsessed with anything to do with my past and 'fixing' myself. Perhaps I dont need 'fixing'. I just need to let go and trust (for once) believe..I am enough.
I AM ENOUGH!
Good luck diving xxxxxxxxx

*meant to read 'having been closer to my inner child than I had been in some time thanks to your posts.'

In fact maybe this is key to 'healing the inner child'. Not just feeling and so healing the pain which lay buried, by re-engaing with it.
But also by re-engaing with the joy of living. The 'real' joy of it which were never allowed to feel as children.

Message withdrawn

Isn't it odd? Yesterday, I realised I was floating around town in a "fugue" and thought: This is no good, it's exactly how I lost my childhood, my twenties and most of the rest!

I agree with y'all above, this recovery thing is spiral-shaped or wave-shaped. On each pass, I go a bit deeper; learn a bit more; put another ghost to rest. This thread, and the NPD one, have moved me along very fast ... and perhaps it's now time to let my unconscious mind do some processing while the conscious one makes a(nother) stab at being me. Whoever I turn out to be this time!

Diving, you have indeed been diving recently; it's no surprise you want a break. I'll miss you
Can I just make one suggestion? You wrote: "I need to be more self-disciplined". Maybe a little less of the discipline & more self-acceptance? You are still worthwhile and loveable, even with ishoos - your DD and DH are proof of that. Be proud and enjoy.

I like your mini-assertiveness plan! I did that, too. It was fun! Good luck. Please pop back and update, when you feel like it.

Thought I would share this with you guys as it is on topic for me and I know there has been discussion in last few posts about fear of emotional unavailability in the here and now. So this an excerpt from my online session. Hope it is useful.

It sounds, from what you write, as though you fear you?re not ?available? emotionally for your children because you are constantly re-working the past in your mind and worrying about the future (and therapy isn?t helping at the moment). It sounds as though you fear you could be becoming self-centred like your mother. That won?t happen if you don?t want it to and by seeking some counselling help to explore and examine your thoughts and feelings you are showing how much you do care about meeting your children?s needs.

As I mentioned earlier, I hope you are giving yourself some rewards for all the fear and pain you are experiencing and I hope you will treat the following first as a task but later (when it doesn?t feel so odd) as a reward. I?m going to suggest you roleplay the ?good enough mum? for just half an hour a day when your children are both at home. ?Good enough mums? give their children sufficient attention to prevent them from harming themselves but still allow them to take risks that they deem are age appropriate and safe. They are ready to join in with their children?s games if asked, or to suggest fun things to do. They are ready with emotional support when their children need it and they love their children unconditionally (even when they have to tell them off for something - the child knows they still love them). ?Good enough mums? allow their children to grow up confident in their own ability to judge situations, take decisions and manage the consequences of their actions. Situations which need decisions can be as simple as treating furniture like a gym or climbing a tree ? the good enough mum encourages the child to decide whether or not it?s appropriate (will they tidy up the mess afterwards?) and if it?s physically dangerous, explains this and distracts them with an alternative suggestion (e.g. ?I don?t think that tree is safe to climb, you could fall and hurt yourself ? why not come down and we?ll play hide and seek instead?)

Forget about your own concerns and painful thoughts about the past and just act ?as if? you were their good enough mum. Sometimes it?s just a small step to move away from focusing on thoughts about yourself to focusing on someone else but at the beginning you may find your thoughts drift back to their old pattern during the 30 mins. If you notice this happening, just re-focus back to the present or think to yourself ?what would the good enough mum do if she found herself thinking about the past?? and take your cue from the answer that comes into your head. Take your role models from soap operas or other mums you see around you.

Try the ?good enough mum? costume on and see how it fits just for 30 minutes. If it works OK, try it on again and again, if it needs adjusting, do some fine-tuning (you?ll be constantly fine-tuning your ?good enough mum? strategies when you?ve got two teenagers in the house!). When you find you can be the ?good enough mum? for 30 mins at a time, increase it by 30 mins and so on until you have re-trained yourself to allow thoughts about the past to take a less prominent space in your brain.

Could one of you please read the thread entitled "I am completely unable to express anger" on these pages.

Thank you everyone for your comments, and thank you pretty for explaining the meaning of NC.

Am currently building myself up for Sunday, table for dinner booked for 4pm (they paying, rather than ask us to the house for dinner, always insist on taking us out and paying). I often wonder if i am just being touchy; the usual now when we meet (about quarterly) is a conversation on "Havent you done SO WELL" with a subtext of "given the circumstances".

The problem is its disguised as normal parental concern but its not normal. When I left home she howled (yes howled literally) for hours while I packed. I did find somewhere to stay and go home and present it as a fait accompli that I was leaving that night - but if I had said I was thinking of it, there would have been days of the tears and prayers and being told I was listening to the devil...

I AM NOT EVIL. I am just doing my best.

I dont trust anyone in RL you know. I dont form deep bonds or lasting friendships. I never belong properly anywhere.

I have never tried counselling. Ive always thought I just needed to get on with it. I get what diving

says about it taking over, and the introspection. I too houseclean like mad when premenstrual! I think I am scared of falling into a hole I never can climb out of so I just get on with it.

I am also surprisingly defensive of them to all except dh.

I was often told they were given the wrong baby at the hospital, and I used to wish it was true. Turns out my mother was told the gypsys had left her when she was "bad" as a child. Ive been left with this ability to see everyones point of view and be able to excuse any behaviours no matter how much they hurt me, and get on with it.

rhonda That was a great post, your strength to combat all this is really shining through.
Dont let what diving and I posted put you off. I just think at times I have felt the need to step back from the edge and take a break, others probably need this too.
Confronting your relationship with your parents is oftentimes all consuming. It is also liberating, rewarding. It is ultimately worth it. It is also the most loving thimg you can do for your family and yourself.
My eldest dc I have parented badly, because I had not faced up to any of it and had my mother was still firmly rooted in my life. I was still so enmeshed with her.
After two years of hard work I barely recognise myself. I have friends, a social life, amd more connected with my children and myself. I have hobbies, interests...none of these things were open to me before.
I hope it isnt too taxing for you on sunday. One suggestion would be to really notice your feelings afterwards. Sometimes it can take a couple of days but consider the impact on you of contact with them. Write about here or in a journal. Start to recover your feelings.
Let us know how it goes.

Oh god. Buying my own clothes from age 15, because I was working. Never even thought about it until now. Worked all the way through uni, sometimes 2 or 3 jobs at once. To this day she is envious of my clothes and just yesterday threw out an expensive jacket of mine. (Donated it to charity. Said she didn't know I wanted it and was just trying to clean up. Clean up?? There are piles of things around here she could have thrown out, not my jacket.) Sick thing is on some level I feel I don't deserve to have nice things anyway.

I am just now reading through this thread and this is the first time I am publicly acknowledging that my mother is an N although I have been coming to realization for several years. Unbearably sad, very scared -- shaking, feeling as though by doing this I will be outed and lose all chance of ever having a normal relationship with her even though I know I won't anyway. Just a mess.

I have confronted her (unfortunately am visiting, hence jacket toss) but she has all her allies in place (various therapists etc) and everyone sees me as this evil crazy bitch who's screaming and yelling because my mom has just done something crazy-making but they think she's so nice and don't know why I'm "so upset" and why I'm so mean to her.

I am sorry to leap back in time/ thread to this one subject (mampam mentioned it) but it just struck such a sudden chord with me and I had never thought of it before.

Also, Rose, thank you for posting about FLEAS. "One of the most common issues that newbies bring here is a tremendous fear that they have NPD themselves. It?s a perfectly understandable fear. All human beings do narcissistic things, and when DoNM?s who don?t have NPD recognize and acknowledge their own self-centered behaviors, they sometimes worry that they have NPD. They feel guilty about possibly having hurt someone's feelings, been self-centered, etc., and they panic. It can really be upsetting, even terrifying. And they beat themselves up mercilessly for it - because that's what they've been taught to do."

Yes, I worry about this all the time. Could cry with fear of it. Really, really do think I am too self-centered. Also to another post by mampam: Am terrified I am wrong about all this and it really is me, that I really am imagining things, being a sad petty bitch and dramatising the perfectly normal.

I have to think about this more and try to figure out if I should even be posting here.

Hi. I posted briefly on the last thread and have lurked from time to time since.

Reading your posts has been setting off lightbulbs all over the place with me! I too had to buy my own clothes (apart from school uniform) from the age of 14 when I had a Saturday job. I didn't question this and have only realised now how sad it is.

I also had to go to the dentist alone from the age of 8 because my mother 'got upset' by my dentist phobia!!

When I told my mother that my ex had been violent towards me she asked what I'd done to make him lose his temper.

When my DD was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 3 (she's fine now thank goodness), my mother decided it was my fault because I took the pill when breastfeeding her. Never mind that years of research by educated professionals couldn't come up with the cause - my mum knew better!!

I was to blame for all ills and I now feel I have to be the one to sort everyone's problems - I take them all on, exhausting myself in the process. I know it's got to stop.

Thanks for reading. I can't tell you how helpful these threads have been for me, I feel I'm not alone now. Lots & lots of issues and I just don't know where to start with them. It really does my head in.

Thought about the buying clothes thing and realize I am totally wrong on this (just want to be perfectly fair.) It would have been more like 17 or 18, not 15. So that is not abnormal I am sure.

Hi all, just need to get this thought written down so I can read it and see if it seems a little crazy or not. Will do a proper catch up soon.

For the last 2 weeks or so my mother has tried calling me but I haven't been in/not got to the phone in time/too busy to answer. I'm starting to get really tired (am now nearly 37 weeks) and doing the slightest thing makes me knackered. I've had lots of appointments over the last couple of weeks and have to travel to get to them so the last thing I want to do in the evenings after cooking tea and sorting out DC's is speak to my pissed mother when I've just sat down to rest.

A week ago she called my house phone and my mobile phone constantly one after the other for over 2 hours, she even started calling from my stepdad's phone as if she thought I was more likely to answer to him than her. I didn't answer because at first I was trying to have a relaxing bath and in the end I was so cross because I felt like I was being bullied into answering.

Now it is quite clear that she has jumped to conclusions and has assumed that I'm not speaking to her. She has been telling people this and no doubt has put on a woeful sob story for everyone to feel sorry for her.

The thing is just lately I haven't been feeling all 'doom and gloom'. I've even been laughing until I cry at the silliest things. I feel good in myself and have a more positive outlook on things. My DH has commented at how different I seem and how nice it is to have me like this.

The only thing we can think of that has made me like this is the fact that I haven't been speaking to my mother on the phone every other day. She speaks to me as if I am a piece of dirt on her shoe, tries to make out I'm mad by telling me I've said things when I haven't and generally winds me up and makes me so angry inside everytime I speak to her. At the moment I feel relaxed like a knot has loosened in my chest.

I feel so much happier.

I'm going to hate myself for saying this but I almost wish I never had to see or speak to her again.

Mampam-You don't have to speak to her ever again.

It is easier said than done, but "no contact" appears so often in dealing with these emotionally damaging circumstances because to heal the psyche needs to wash it away and continuing to slop it on makes the cleansing impossible.

hmmm, ahhh, well, hmmm:
I am glad my mother is dead. Yes, it took me a while to get around to that, but it is a truth feeling of mine-my true feeling.

We do need to look after ourselves in this. No one can do it for us, although we are connected with some amazing dhs.

Make your boundaries and stick to them. The N's publicity stunts will only reflect on her, not you. If people side with her, then smile-they must deserve it somehow and know that they will eventually become her target for supply since you are not going tolerate it anymore. Cheers for you.

mampam, my Mum (a classic narc) used to do the phone thing. Sometimes 20-30 times a night. I've been no contact for 13 years.

The weird thing is recently I had an unintentional break from being in contact with my Dad and I felt very much like you (although we only spoke once a fortnight anyway). Then he started doing the obsessive phone thing to.

I've recently written to him and said I want a six month break. It feels great and, knowing what I know now, I most probably will go no contact with him to.

You can stop having your parents in your life. You don't have to but knowing you can makes a big difference.

Thank you for your kind messages from week before last. Sorry not to respond to them all individually. Your caring was very humbling and made me cry. I had a mini breakdown. Have remained lurking and reading these pages, but have essentially plugged myself back into the Matrix until I have DC (4 weeks and counting) and can get some proper help. The feelings are too raw and confusing for me to combine self analysis with the day to day business of living, even just writing things down here turns me into a howling, raging banshee because all the hate, resentment and feelings of injustice rise to the surface and I can't squash them down again and I can't resolve them so I'm just insane. My DH and DD suffer with my preoccupation, moods and distance and they are my current reality, they deserve more from me now than my past does, otherwise my stupid parents win again by ruining all that is good in my life as it stands today.

But I am still reading and taking great comfort and learning many lessons from your shared experiences and your astonishing bravery.

DH away this weekend. With their usual, almost telepathic, ability to know I am alone, tired and vunerable, got communique from the parents in the form of a card from my "father". Totally meaningless, Hallmark sentiments that actually don't say anything but typical of his particular brand of emotional blackmail. I scribbled expletives all over it and put it in the recycling bin. I've managed 2 whole days on my own with DD and not lost it with her, which a couple of weeks ago would have happened on receiving this card. Not sure what this means. I'm hoping a corner of my brain is saying my life does not have to be mapped out by my parents or the past. I'm sure before I would have lost it with DD quite willfully because that was what was expected of me by the demons of my past. Does that make sense?

Read the below poem tonight. It's somewhat familiar, can't think where I've come across it in the past. Perhaps you are familiar with it too? In any event it made me think of you all. Take care of yourselves.

CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE
Dorothy Law Nolte

If a child lives with criticism,
he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility,
he learns to fight.
If a child lives with fear,
he learns to be apprehensive.
If a child lives with pity,
he learns to feel sorry for himself.
If a child lives with ridicule,
he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with jealousy,
he learns what envy is.
If a child lives with shame,
he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with encouragement,
he learns to be confident.
If a child lives with tolerance,
he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with praise,
he learns to be appreciative.
If a child lives with acceptance,
he learns to love.
If a child lives with approval,
he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with recognition,
he learns that it is good to have a goal.
If a child lives with sharing,
he learns about generosity.
If a child lives with honesty and fairness,
he learns what truth and justice are.
If a child lives with security,
he learns to have faith in himself and in those about him.
If a child lives with friendliness,
he learns that the world is a nice place in which to live.
If you live with serenity,
your child will live with peace of mind.
With what is your child living?

poolet - I too once told my parents that an ex had been violent towards me and I was told that I must have done something to deserve it.
What a horrific time you must have gone through when your dd was poorly, made even worse by your mother. I'm pleased for you that your dd is well now.
My mother too knows best, she told me that this baby will be a girl because my bump is "all out front". I replied "I carried the same way with dd and ds too" to which the answer was "no you didn't, you were all around with ds". So obviously my mother knows more about my body than I do!!!

Bagofrefreshers - well done for managing on your own with dd and getting on so well. I lose the plot with my dc's at times and straight afterwards realise it's the traits of my mother coming out in me. I don't want my dc's remembering me losing it with them over something trivial.
Great poem, I too am familiar with it.

toomanystuffedbears - You're right I have got to set my boundaries and stick to them. Right now I can't deal with the fall out of cutting my mother off completely but I am going to keep her at a distance. I just find it frightening/amazing how her negativity must rub off on me and in the space of a couple of weeks of not having that negativity I'm like a different person, even down to being more chilled out about everything and not so highly strung.

It just amazes me at just how self centred my mother really is. Just because I didn't answer my phone and hadn't spoken to her for a couple of days she automatically assumes it's about me not speaking to her. I bet not once has it even occured to her that I might have just been busy or tired or just forgetful. It's all about her and how she feels.
I could kick myself sometimes for being surprised by her behaviour, this is just typical of her. Every situation is somehow turned around so it is about her. Well this time it isn't about her, it's about me, DH, DC's and the new baby. I'm NOT going to let her ruin this special time for us.

QueenofWhatever - Thank you, you are so right......knowing I don't have to have her in my life does make all the difference.

I do have a lot of self doubt though. I imagine the scenario of sitting in a room with my family. My younger brother sitting in a corner either looking miserable and being very quiet or being very loud for attention and making a real nuisance of himself, my older brother doing his 'golden child' routine, butter wouldn't melt act and lapping up all the attention my mother and stepfather give him, my mother gazing adoringly at my older brother like she is amazed by what she is seeing, yet looking at me, my step dad and younger brother with contempt, my step dad doing his lapdog routine...."yes dear, no dear" anything for an easy life, me sat there watching everyone, if my mother speaks to me it is a blatant put down or criticism with words spoken in such a nasty tone of voice. I'm thinking.....am I the only person in this room that can see what is going on? That this isn't normal? Or maybe it is normal and it's just me that seems to have a screw loose????