'But We Took You to Stately Homes' Part 2...a thread for adult children of abusive families

[therealsmithfield]

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/angry/hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/lifetime experiences of being hurt/angry etc by our parent?s behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotional abused and/or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesnt have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/or current parental contact has left you feeling damaged falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful if you have come this far and are still not sure wether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts;.

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect you feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defenses that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety will undoubtedly us it during confrontation to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behavior. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offenses against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behavior. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get," or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ....

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realize that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller

Personality Disorders definition

follow up to pages first thread

Im sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out grin. I personally dont claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will recieve a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support.

Happy Posting (smithfield posting as therealsmithfield)

"I have been scared to look too much into all of this, but the thing that I have realised is that mentally ill people stick together as sane normal people don't want to be around them, hence before ex left, I was ok, and since most people around me have not been well, as I don't think I was well, and I know he was not well mentally"

Im not sure I agree with this to be honest ( just my view)

One way of looking at it is that those who have had rough experiences have a level of empathy and understanding of others that "normal" people wont. I guess thats why I feel quite comfortable posting here, because I know no one will negate how I feel or naturally that there is something wrong with me.

I also wonder how widespread this so-called normality is, honestly I think because we might feel "different" it doesn't neccesarily mean that we are. Example: I look around me at work and can see the product of many abusive childhoods- they might manage to keep a job, have a good position, it doesn't mean they are happy in their own skins. I found out that one person in my friendship group who had "the perfect life" seemingly great upbringing, etc had had a massive breakdown.Would never have seen that one coming.

Its my experience that if parents have a way of coping then they pass down that way of coping to thier children, those children might resist it ( like me, avoiding arguments) but there is a blueprint there for coping strategies even if they are dysfunctional.

Madame G & fledtoscotland, I feel for you. I am in the early stages too of facing this crap even though I have known and have thought I had handled it before.

As they say it will get worse before it gets better.

Sending strength to anyone that needs it
love from 1foot xx

what you say is very interesting 1 foot x yes it is hard to define normality lol x

Madamme G, it sounds like you have been through a lot, I can't imagine how scary it must have been for you, especially the hearing voices!

Your sister sound wonderfull x I am so glad that she took good care of you through that difficult time in your life x

Yeah I was very lucky to have her there, I really don't think I'd still be here otherwise. I had nothing to live for.

Re the mentally ill people sticking together thing- I've found it has been dangerous for me to position myself among other mentally ill people too heavily; it has been triggering and has encouraged me to wallow too much. I made some good friends at the mental health unit but our friendships weren't always healthy. I've found its been better for me to instead be around positive yet sympathetic people more.

Also, the little positive decisions that I make help me to stay healthy- for example, I listen to positive, uplifting music and happy films. If I venture into the dark side then I start crumbling!

I do the same, re music and films etc x

Have you got children Madame G?

Well the dysfunctional folk sticking together thing is something that I have read about, and I think can be true, like goes for like or complementary types, ie narcs and co dependants.

From what you said you like to be around folk that are positive and who care for you, there are worse things in life.

I am trying to go for the I am ok and you are ok thing, as I used to think I was not ok and would go for folk that thought they were ok and I was not ok, so they would look down on me and pity me etc, as it made them feel better about themselves, this was in the last few years when going through all the stuff with ex, before that relationships were a mix of variants...

Be carefull then on here from what you say, as there have been times when people have triggered others unintentionally, and there are times when folk are positive and times when they are down x

I'm 6 months pregnant with our first baby- a little boy apparently! Very excited, I've always wanted children.

I can completely understand why sticking with likeminded folk has its benefits, I certainly found it comforting to talk to them because they really understood. I just found it very triggering at times (particularly re self harm) so had to protect myself by stepping back a bit. I've also found a lot of 'normal' people have been unfeeling or majorly insensitive, so I am careful who I let in now and have a very small but reliable group of people around me.

I will be careful on here as you say. I don't usually get triggered as much these days tho as I used to as my life and health are a lot better now.

HI, I've read this read many times and in reading other peoples post you sometimes get the answer you are looking to your own situation.

The things that I am currently replaying in my mind is how my Dad and now step Brother refer to me having been 'bad' as a child. They say it in a tone as if to suggest I perhaps murdered someone!

Yes I got caught shoplighting, yes I stole pocket change from my Dad to buy cigerettes aged 13, I may have been rude and insolent at times. I am now a parent and yes I know those things were wrong but I find their tone and attitude now 20 years on to be ridiculous.

I'll half expect my son to do some of these things even though I'll instill in him the best values I can.

I had an unusual childhood losing my mum and brother by the time I was 13, they never seem to think that these events may have contributed to my actions then.

I can't say that's the reason I did the things I did, I certainly never use that as an excuse for any of my behaviours but I think those events had a profound affect on me.

Am I being unreasonable to feel angry with them? My husband says my family are emotional bullies and use things like this to make me feel guilty and do what they want.

Sometimes I think he's right and other times I start to weaken. Any advice?

Thanks

You are right, and your husband is right. Of course children act up when their parents' marriage breaks down, though people can be incredibly dense about this. I had to explain it to a 35-year-old dad quite recently.

You do not need to justify your teenage beahviour to them - or any behaviour, actually. They can have their own opinion, but it's a rubbish one! If you have to see them and listen to them spouting their drivel, remind yourself it's their drivel not yours. Can you tell them: "It's a shame you see it that way. I was an okay kid, really." and just leave them to it?

Hi Grace, I've done this. We are only talking after a 3 month stand off and it feels like groundhog day. They just keep throwing the same things back at me.

They have managed to wonderfully turn around a situation that they caused to be something that I have now said and done. Something they have taken totally out of context to suit their purposes.

My husband is very reluctant to get back in contact with them again but I really feel for my Dad.

He remarried very quickly after my mum died (well in my opinion, my mum died when I was ten and by the time I was 12 he had remarried someone I didn't like).

I have tried but I feel so out numbered, my step mum, step brother and sister are all very similar domineering personalities. My Dad is a very placid and amenable person. He just doesn't see them how I do but I know not seeing me and my son is very hard for him and he won't do that without my step mum also being involved.

My sbrother and ssister are another issue all together!

God families can get so complicated

OK, so the 13-year-old misdemeanours are just their excuse for making you the scapegoat. When anything goes wrong it's your fault, even if they have to alter the facts to fit the theory. What fun for you

Why do you feel responsible for your father?

I guess because he isn't a strong person. He always did what he thought was best but sort out other people to make the decisions for him I think.

He acknowledges he can't/couldn't deal with situations as they arose when I was younger so let my step mum instead.

Her answer was to shout and scream at me. I'm still rubbish at arguements now and avoid confrontation like this as I just can't speak back.

I'm actually a very strong person and I hate that it has this affect on me. I don't think how she dealt with me was an acceptable way, their reasons I was so bad! Everything that happened to me (how they reacted to my misdemeanors) I deserved. Is it me or is this just really emotive language for them to use?

Look, nobody deserves to be shouted at, slagged off, lied about or labelled. Not even if they're really badly-behaved, which evidently you aren't. "Everyone has the right to be treated with respect." It's in the Human Rights Convention, which this country is still signatory to. So they are actually breaking the law!

What happens when they say, "ebaxter's s trouble-maker, she did such-and-such", and you go "That's not true, Dad, is it?" Does he stick up for you at all?

If 'taking care' of your Dad means submitting to being bullied, slandered and insulted - then he is asking too much of you. It's unfair. So he's not treating you well, either. If I invited you over to mine, then sat there like a muffin while my other friends bad-mouthed you, what would you think about me?

Hi baxter

I have to agree there Grace. If he is genuinely scared, I can understand why people might sit tight lipped. ( ie in a domestic violence type setting) You say Baxter that its both your dad and brother who go on about you being bad as a child.

So why does he say it if hes a great guy?
Why does he allow your sibling, his child to say it? If I say something catty to my sister , my mum always steps in and says, "pack it in" she just finds it unnecessary.

I am no expert on my own damn family yet but this just seems too horrible, all those years later and you are still being punished for stealing a bit of fag money. You are definitely not unreasonable to think that this is out of order! Its been so long ago...! Dont all teenagers steal fag money, I know I did I will expect mine to too, when the time comes.

I wonder whether this "nicey" exterior might almost a cover, you seem to believe he is a lovely guy with your best interests at heart, is it that you feel you must believe this, so that you dont have to wonder why you were the scapegoat? Why didnt he tell his new wife "your out of order?"

It is interesting that your husband sees it for what it is, how wonderful to have the support of someone who can see you need to be protected. Slight envy face as my relationship just broke down

Bit of an update on me: feeling a lot better and am getting on with that task. Lots of crap going on with me at the moment, but feeling a lot stronger.

MH your message meant to the world to me so thank you and I hope you are feeling a little better xx

1foot, I am both sorry and happy that your relationship broke down. It sounds as though you each have your separate processes to work through - if he's unwilling to do his, that's his problem. You're a wiser & more optimistic person, by the looks of things

Good luck with your 'stuff'. xx

Thanks for your advice ladies. I am very lucky with my husband. As he states the most important thing should be our family, we shouldn't be letting any of their negative issues affect us.

I do definitley see my Dad in a different light now since these events have all happened. I guess it's a sense of loyalty and love for him that make me put up with it.

No he doesn't defend me at all even though I told him today it's ridiculous these things are being brought up. He actually said they are good kids, referring to my sbrother and ssister.

I pointed out to him that none of us our kids, I'm the youngest at 33! I said the issue is perhaps some people are still behaving as if they are children though!

I think my Dad just takes on the opinion of the people around him. I've told him he will never be able to see things from my viewpoint becuase he is to close to the people I have my differences with. He admits this is probably true.

In the past I've always felt a sense of guilt if I've done something they disapprove of or I know they expect me to be involved in some extended family do with people i don;t know and basically I don;t go.

This is far more serious, I haven;t spoken to them for nearly founr months and I don't actually feel guilty. I feel sad.

Sad that this is what it's come to, sad my family are such thick idiots - sorry only word I can think of for them. They just don't realise how they have alienated me and my family, it's just all my fault and I should apologise, there is no swaying them.

They don't actually listen to a word I say just keep repeating the same old rubbish they've talked themselves into believing I said.

Sorry I'm ranting but it helps

hi ebaxter, how sad for them that they refuse to listen to you and instead go back to script of the same old rubbish, how sad for you and for them.

I learned that I had as a child kept hoping things would get better, I hoped when I withdrew from family they would realise, and want to come out of denial to make up to me and be healthier etc, it has not happened, there is still something wrong with me, someone has done something to me, what ever, they also refuse to HEAR, and will look at anything other than accept their part in things, I thought they were glad I was not about as I was a pain in the bum and a horrible person, apparently, from what they have told me, it seems that Iwas right it was just that person I once was the one who was despirte for them to love me they miss, recent quote from mother I just want you to hold me and tell me you love me again, it is and was all about her, and I do believe that she is loving the victim thing and sympathy she is getting scapegoating me to people!

I had terrible pmt last week again, it really brought me down, I am back to my old self again and content with things, I know I need therapy and it is on it's way via nhs, etc.

I have to keep strong and remember that I have written myself a new script and my life is going to be good from now on, the rubbish will be dealt with and I will move on from it to a happier life!

1 foot, I am so very pleased if anything I have written has had a positive effect on you and that things are working through for you.

Grace, it is nice to see you posting on here again.

Wishing you all happiness with hugs x x x

Hi again MH. Pleased you are feeling better.

I had a terrible morning at the GP where I basically cried, sobbed, like a total banshee wailing all over the place. Life has just hit me in the face, been signed off for a few weeks anyway, but new dr wanted me to go back and as I was sat there rocking and sobbing he just indicated i needed to pull myself together. One of the nurses basically scraped my wailing frame off the floor and let me see someone else who has signed me off for another month with acute anxiety.

Shame I was feeling so much better yesterday but today it just hit me like a ton of bricks

Feel a lot better and more settled now I am back in my safe space of home where I can be what I want. I hate people telling me what I feel, they can fuck right off. [anger]

I'm just hopeful he can reflect on his practice at the end of the day and tomorrow he might treat people differently. I did wish a terrible thing on him as I left and didnt feel too proud of self but hell he deserved it the arrogant little fucker.

Anyway, Ill post back later hope everyone is hanging on in there

Love from 1foot.

1 foot I am sorry that you had that experience today with the gp. I have been thinking why would the gp react like that, maybe they like to test people to see if they are faking anxiety or something, who knows, and why someone would fake it is beyond me, if you hated your job that much you would change jobs instead of getting signed off, hey ho! Who knows why the gp has reacted like that, all that you can do now is make sure you don't see them again, as abuse in the nhs is taken very seriously and you would not want to get into anything again, I would not be surprised if they bann you from the practice, at the end of the day, the gp has been odd in his treatment of you, but no doubt all that the other staff will have seen is you making threats as you were dragged out in a right state!

I am glad you got to see someone else at the practice and that you now feel safe at home. You know I did that took myself and the kids into a cave for a bit, I took the kids to school and we did some social stuff, but all very basic, and it took a few months until I was ready to be back out in the big wide world, I am almost back to normal socialising, and having the dog is helping a great deal!

It is funny someone from the past called at my door today, I was not sure what brought her, I was suspicious at first, it was a pleasant chat, she wants to come back again, I am unsure of her reasons for coming around, I will see her next time and then that will be it for a while, she is coming back on Thursday. I am seeing her as a test to myself as much as curiosity! She is a jw, and knew a former best mates sister, the sister was ex communicated, but I saw her recently and I wonder if the woman was sent to find out info... The woman said she is no longer in touch with the sister... also I know someone else in jw, I don't see much of her anymore as she works a lot now... I am not into jw or anything, I don't know if she wants to see me to catch up, to try and get me to be a jw, to be nice, to get me to have treatments with her as she is a complementray therapist or if someone has sent her to get info out of me, her motives are something I am not sure about and I want to see what this is all about on Thursday next week!

I also went to see my gp this morning, I have to have a minor op, it will be fine, no big deal, just concerned if something goes wrong not having backup for childcare... am getting it down when kids are at school so should be ok!

take care and get out in the lovely weather 1 foot if you can for a nice walk, get a cold can of nice pims or something and sit in the park or something and enjoy the lovely world we have x

Thanks for your good wishes, mh
I'm being very weak & feeble atm - the fatigue thing comes & goes; I'm still learning to 'pace' it, so am giving my head a rest. All that self-analysis is hard work!

1foot, I'm DELIGHTED your first response to that dickhead doctor was anger! And, of course, that you got to see a more sensible one. Sounds like you need the time off - please remember to fill with kindness and understanding for yourself

I don't think you'll be banned from the doctors'

I hope I wont be banned from the doctors if that's the case they can all piss off and Ill sue em

I dont know what it is. I think I read somewhere that GPs are paid bonuses for getting people off the sick and back to work. Maybe that's what it was? This issue with fit notes is a total blimmin nightmare. NOt really sure but I got the sense that other staff there thought he was a bit shit as well, especially the 2nd dr I saw who said you must see your usual doctor you have to make sure you see someone SUPPORTIVE.

I got injured at work last year and they are unwilling to make any adjustments for me, I am panicking like hell now because Im being rendered unemployable not just by the injury but by how Im reacting emotionally. only in this time off Ive realised that theyve probably been bullying me but i guess Ive just accepted it cos im used to men shouting at me. I love my therapist I would have never have even considered that it be anything like that just put it down to being a "masculine" company and trying to survive as best as I can, and that its me that is "soft" . Unfortunately Ive been in tears a lot at work over the last year due to the pain and frustration of trying to do a heavy manual job without anyone listening to me. When this has happened Ive tried to hide it and on occasion I have been shouted at "dont fucking turn on the tears" from my manager. God.

Definitely feeling lots better though now. Been chewing gum all day!! I'm so about your dog MH . When I was walking back from the Drs I saw a little dog tied up outside the shop, its bark was literally the same as my little doglette It made me bawl my eyes out I miss her so much. Give your dog a big cuddle from me.

Been having more MSN chats with ex/p. I dont know what to do for the best here. He is obviously hurting really badly. I wish I could take it all away for him but I know I cant. He is feeling sad as he seemed to have thought we would be getting back together by now but I said to him its a long way off as there is so much coming out that needs to be dealt with. But then I said If he cant accept and want to change the controlling behaviour about who i speak to then we have no where to go. He replied he doesnt think we will get back together because he feels once I realise what life is like ( ie socialising) I wont want him back. I guess the answer is if he refuses to change then no, I probably wouldnt.

Its so hard cos I totally get where he gets it from, his parents are toxic in the extreme and in so many ways he is still that little child desperate for the positive attachment from his parents that I just cannot provide. He is so far away from really getting to grips with this, and hate to say it but 5 sessions of CBT isnt going to really scratch the surface of this at all.

I am now trying to do something technical with the printer that he would have done and Im feeling both useless and brave all at the same time. Was considering going out with freinds tonight but given the day Ive had, i dont think its wise to drink anyhow.

thank you for your messages, I feel so much better knowing that someone understands.

With love to everyone, from 1foot xx

1 foot, I hope not either x

Well it looks like there are many reasons that the gp reacted the way he did, and thankfully you got a better gp who was understanding, so fingers crossed the incident will have been ignored!

I am sorry for you and your ex partner, that you are both hurting, you sound so strong!

Well mother has just knocked on the door, with bags of gifts from being abroad. She seems to want some sort of drama from me, I read her a quite from the bible! she laughed and so did I, I wished her happiness and said that it was too late, she would not give me what i want, she again said what did I want, I am getting well fed up of this silly game that is going on between us, I know I am despirate for a proper apology, I know she is pretending she has no idea what I want and she is using it as a form of control over me, so she can then go off and pretend I am odd and be a victim and feel better about herself!

I think also I sent her and ex an email as I need a minor op and I sent them each an email to warn them, incase any issues come up regarding the children needing care really as you never know! I am fine about small minor op, it is no big deal, just that you never know!

I think she also thinks that she can win me around, she was expecting a fight or me to invite her into the house, I did neither, I wished her happiness and when she tried to get into my home I closed the door on her, she pushed against it and kept saying what about the children, she did not leave their gifts on the door step, she brought them with her, another form of control!

quote not quite dooh typo's again!

Blimey, mh, well done with your mother! How are you feeling about yourself now?

Hello...half term has kept me away.

MH Wow! How did you feel afterwards...were you shaking?
Did it feel ok?

1foot well done for sticking up for yourself against rotten defining behaviour.

If it makes you feel any better, on Sky news, Adam Boulton totally lost it....pure rage, when put in a similar position bt Alistair Campbell. It was extremely interesting to watch....he was defining him, and Boulton couldn't stand it. It REALLY does aggravate people. It's so hard, especially when you are already FEELING vulnerable, like you at the GP 's to still be aware enough to not tolerate it. WELL DONE YOU!!!

I have had h on the "nice" bit of the cycle this week. So sad that he wasn't sharing the lovely weather with the people he "loves".

I had so hoped that the experts were wrong...but no, of course they're not. He sent a message to clarify contact. I said that since I had nothing planned this weekend with the dc's, as it was half term, and they've done loads, that if he wanted he could have an extra visit.

Anyone would have though I'd asked him to slowly extract his toe nails!!!

He went on an abuse spree! texts, emails, phone call after phone call. He told me that his new counsellor had said that I was a child abuser, and then denied saing it, literally seconds later. Accused me of having complete control over him and bullying him Don't you just love it when they project!?

I answered....I was just expecting a "ok, what time?" Silly me expecting normal behaviour from him.

Like Patricia Evans calls it being "beside oneself"...he truly seems to have no conscious connection to what he is doing and saying when he's like this. It's most peculiar. And then he genuinely appears to have absolutely no recollection of what has just happened.

That's why I struggle with Lundy Bancroft a bit, because I don't believe that h chooses to behave like this, he's in such a state, such an angry panic, there is NO logic.

I think there is something really badly wrong with him that has been triggered by something/a collection of things since last summer, and I genuinely hope that the psychotherapist has the wit and wisdom to be able to help him.

He's been my bezzie mate for a long, long time, and he is clearly suffering a great deal more than I am now.

And I am a kind gentle compassionate person....it says so on my therapy list, so it must be true!

wow this is, you are so wise, I wish I had been when I split from ex, I would have the same nonsense, except that I would be confused by his behaviour, and taken on the stuff he said about me, and be in a right state, not anymore, I had no idea about projection etc...

Well done you for being so very wise x

How do I feel, well I have no pmt so fine, I have just had a nice walk with the dog and the girls, well me on the scooter lol x

I feel like this is probably, just realise what the nonsense is about with her, and the difference is with me, I wonder what I am doing to hook into the nonsense, and wonder what game I am playing, I think I let it go and as much as I want the apology, I am willing to let her and the apology go. The not leaving the gifts was the clincher that it was not straight transaction and was a game to her!

I was thinking the other day, no one has done this to my mother before except her brothers and mine, my father has always chased after her, even though divorced, my step father has always run after her, if they argue, he will not go near her for a month, then turn up, she lets him in and it is as if nothing has happened between them both, the thing is I am not chasing her, I rang her a few times, and went around that one time to tell her what she was doing before I went on holiday and I dropped step dad and dd off last week, but I don't chase after her now, she is knocking on my door a few times, trying to entice me, once trying to have a scene and a drama with me on my door step, I am not biting I suppose, I had the quote from the bible ready for her, as she is a religious person, and that was it, I was not interested in the gifts, I was not interested in nonsense, I told her to be happy and that was it, and I feel calm and ok about it.

I have also been feeling calm and ok about the ex and the ow and all the crap they gave us, the thing is when it comes to pmt time I don't feel like this anymore so I do have some stuff I am pushing deep inside of me and not dealing with until pmt time! bring on psychologist via nhs appointment, still waiting!

Hey MH, I dont know if this is appropriate or whether Im talking out of turn, but I was having bad PMT as well, as all the other crap going down. I went and chose to have the injection contracteptive ( depo provera) and my monthly moods have stabilised no end. Also the implant has the same effect- apparently tells the body you are "pregnant" so theres a contentment God knows where I would be if I had PMT as well, well i remember what I was like the rage and self hatred for the "failiure" of not being pregnant was so immense it was stoking the fire

Just something to think about in case it miught apply, if not, sorry

love from 1foot.