'But We Took You to Stately Homes' Part 2...a thread for adult children of abusive families

[therealsmithfield]

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/angry/hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/lifetime experiences of being hurt/angry etc by our parent?s behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotional abused and/or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesnt have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/or current parental contact has left you feeling damaged falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful if you have come this far and are still not sure wether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts;.

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect you feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defenses that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety will undoubtedly us it during confrontation to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behavior. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offenses against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behavior. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get," or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ....

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realize that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller

Personality Disorders definition

follow up to pages first thread

Im sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out grin. I personally dont claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will recieve a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support.

Happy Posting (smithfield posting as therealsmithfield)

right going to off load some more!

When I was talking to mother yesterday, she happily announced that brother wanted me to meet his daughter and that he wanted to be friends, when I was going through hell, and I asked him to be an uncle to my kids, he swore at me, and called me horrible names, and it is yeah, now things are going well, I will be nice to you so you can lick my bum and my daughters and I am the lord and master and you will not get any acknowledgement or apologises of my bad behaviour, and I allow you to see my child.... how dammed dare they treat me like that!

Last night I went to see stepfather, he does not live with stepmother, I brought the dog to see his, on off chance, he had been away with mother for a month aborad!

When I got there, he was uncomfortable and welcoming. We talked about light stuff, and took dogs to park and we stood about when dogs went for play, light talk about cars, dogs, and light conversation about his holiday. He then said he was going to mothers and did I want to go, he must have asked me ten times to call her, I refused, I brought him there, and kids, only oldest dd wnated to go in, I had no intension of going in, and stepfather was unsure of situation, she went in with dog and stepfather, apprently father and his g/f (father was too depressed to talk to me last week or so when I rang when I was shit scared about court, through to be fair to him he had no idea why I rang) it was all just too much for him! I didn't plan any of that, it just kind of happened!

DD went in and mother was all over her, she was cool apparently, and fahter was interested in her too, they were asking loads of questions and giving dog attention, dog got into a state and wanted me, I stayed outside, mother came out to get me and youngest, I turned my back on her, did not even acknowledge her! Told dd to go in if she wanted to, hard on kids I just don't want them to not have a relationship!

After five minutes oldest came out, mother followed, and was trying to give her gifts from holiday, one was a mug of kids faces, she was telling dd to stop being silly, the only thing I said is "Are you going to allow her to name call to you like that? that is no way to speak to someon!" dd got in the car and mother looked shamed, we drove off and not a backwards glance.

Mother is insane with jealousy, and I know she will be livind now with stepfather, feel bad when I think of it, for him! I thought when I got home that was a right slap in my parents faces, me and kids going to stepdad's and talking to him, and rejecting them, and treating them like they are nothing, I am in effect I realise when typing this treating them as they treated me as a child, it is weird you know you are doing something at the time and do not understand what you are doing until you later reflect, well that goes for me! How shamefull for them to be treated like that, they will scapegoat me whatever, inside they have been rejected and belittled, as they rejected me! and I am just as bad as them and no doubt hruting stepfather and kids in process... oh damm it!

called mother stepmother, not with it at all today!

mother was telling dd not to be silly, as dd said you obviously think we are mugs don't you, I feel bad as dd was off sick yesterday and heard me tell my mother than when she told me she got their faces on mugs, I am over sensitive about it all, as I think that is how they perceive me as a mug and now they are getting my kids faces on a mug, maybe silly as she says, thing is she treated me badly and it made me oversensitive and I feel bad that I brought that to dd, who then got called silly, she is not a a silly chid and she will stick with the fact that mother called her silly, when that reference re mugs was from me and mother knows that!

Also what really annoyed me is me and my bro went to school in uk, and mother kept asking me is dd who is in secondary and not doing exams finished for the summer now, she is clueless!

MH i hope you are feeling ok today. Because IM not to sure of the backstory, I dont want t say anything as I know it will be the wrong thing! All i know is that families are complicated and that the point is that people want to confuse each lest their true motivations come out or to try to rewrite so that they are the ones in the right and everyone else is wrong.

I am feeling truly awful, I have been reflecting back and trying to remember things from my childhood as my therapist says. I remembered this morning as soon as i woke up that my dad when he has drunk forced my mum out of the drivers seat and drove himself, all the while, mum screaming no no and him threatening to hit her while driving very hgh speed, legless in the front and my sister & I just pretending to be asleep (recurrent theme here) in the back. Just thinking about this makes me feel physically sick. Fear is everywhere in the memories that are coming back to me.

I wonder how she feels ( she must) about how he took away her ability to be a safe parent. I know she has been and is scared of him. I have tried to suggest leaving him but she is broken i think.

I am meeting up with ex? partner today we are going for lunch. I hope its somewhere we can sit outside and wear sunglasses my eyes look so terrible.I am hoping to get a copy of toxic parents as well from a bookshop in town although whether i can handle more stimulus right now i just dont know.

My inner child has been treated to chewing gum, something she was never allowed because it was something "common sluts" use.- fancy saying this to a child, so wrong. I will bubble and pop all day long if that's how I feel.

Love from 1foot.

Good afternoon everyone how are you today?

I am sorry that you feel so bad today 1 foot x x x hugs to you. I have read what you have written x

How did the meeting and gum chewing go?

I have had a good cry down the phone to samaritans to talk about yesterday, also I took on board what you said about rewriting, and wondered if I do that also...

I was also reflecting on phone that in telling me that bro wants me to meet his daughter, not sure if I am making sense here, it was mothers way of saying see I am making him like you and be nice to you, I will do this and we can go back to how things were before, she can't seem to get her head around the fact, things can't go back to how they were, and I won't hug her and tell her I love her to forfill her needs as she asked me to when she got back, this nonsense of not knowing what the problems is, and blaming my ex, counsellor and imaginary boyfriend she is now blaming that I don't have... she can't fathom I am on my own and did this on my own! She can't accept that I am changed! I have given up hope of her doing what I need acceptance, apologise and attone, it won't happen, I told her in voice and in written word what the problems were and she chooses to ignore it all, she had a lot of chances, I have given up now on her coming to terms with herself, as I have had to do!

That shaddow of a person is no longer alive, I was reborn in October last year and have almost reached a year old as the new me!

Hi MH

Was thinking of you today, and glad to see you here now.

It was lets say strange meeting to be honest. I think the way Im behaving is what is called "hard work" not sure what to say, how to behave, acting like a shadow that just wants to fade away, gripped by silence. I couldn't really engage in chit-chat , life just feels too big and unwieldy to talk about the weather and I was hardly going to engage in the big stuff out in public, besides its fairly obvious he isnt ready to talk about it anyway. I dont think I am, maybe I am ( naming needs?)who knows!

I think it is natural that everyone has different interpretations of an event, because they are guided by how they feel, and the importance they place on certain emotions. I was recalling an event when his sister and her son visited and there was a bit of an argument, I remember it being a situation when I was roundly rejected by him and he got his sister to join in, he remembers me criticizing nephew eating with his mouth open, I dont recall this at all. Saying that, it sounds like what I said was my father speaking I know i have come out with things he would say a lot and the self-hatred just regurgitated all over again.

Who is to say who is wrong, this event was 4 years ago, aside from to say if everyone's feelings are valid, then we are all right. Im not the sort of person that needs for everyone else to be wrong so I am right, I learned a long time ago that this doesn't work . Suffice to say it doesn't mean I don't do it and recently I have been doing it a lot.

I have got myself a copy of toxic parents today and started reading it while waiting for the partner to pay for something, Im about to lie down and start reading more.

Do you have any plans for October, I hope you manage to create an event or treat for yourself to reward yourself on how far you have come in this difficult year.

With love to you from 1foot xx

ifoot, I think I will have to read your post again, not you so much as I think there are deep things you said there that need rereading for me!

I don't get why the meeting was strange, is that you are changing the patterns of how you are talking?

Your description of the events of your nephew, the mug, one can see a handle another can't see the handle so they swear blind they mug is different as neither has full view of it!

My birthday is in October, so it is an easy anniversary to mark, I was reborn a few days after my birthday so to speak!

I read bits of books I have, I can't seem to read more than a couple of pages at a time, as it is so deep, got transactional analysis book and it is helpfull, just hard work, and gets me thinking too much, I need professional help, I am mashed up from everything that happened over past three and a bit years with ex and family, I don't know if I will ever recover, I think I am still in a grips of a breakdown that I got when he was treatening to kill me that christmas, I don't think I have recovered from that, it was then that police csu told me he had abused me throughout marriage and then the family court thing and all his lies and then the twists and turns from all of that, I am broken, I don't know if I was ever right and if I will ever be fixed, I am so sad, I feel I have been used and abused by all, and that for family i was vessell to dump and lower than them, and for ex I was someone to have sex with and to care for him and his home, he said in court papers he never loved me and that was probably true, as my parents never loved me, I have no idea what being loved properly is, my kids love me I think, but I am all they have, so maybe that is just need! am crying too much, going to go and walk dog, take care x x x

"I don't get why the meeting was strange, is that you are changing the patterns of how you are talking?"

Yes, at my best I have always been outgoing, curious, chatty, confident, overpowering at times but empathetic and kind, loving. A strong need to do the right thing.

Recently at my worst angry, aggressive, loud, abrasive, sharp, nasty. I now am starting to understand this is likely to be a reaction from my inner child to confusions.

Now broken, ashamed silent, scared, worried, introverted. Tearful.

Weve been together almost 5 years.

At the start of our relationship i felt i could do anything,, the confidence-boost it gave me was unreal. I guess the criticisms and confusion about what role i was supposed to play have chipped this away to leave me totally bewildered, scared and alone.

hell, im no expert, what do i know.

I would think it is useful (if not essential) to seek some help to make sense of what has happened for you MH, if you havent embarked on it, I really suggest you do. I am just on the start of this painful journey myself - although i have gained some understanding of it before through my work when i was involved in children's work. However, i guess i just glossed over it as I thought i was "fine". I was single then though and there was nothing to shake my own presentation of me and who i thought i was, now the foundations have been rocked. They might not have been that stable in the first place if you know what I mean.

I dont know if I asked, are you journaling? I just have a book im writing random thoughts in as they pop up. It is painful though Im sure it will be useful in the end. I cant read back yet, its just too hard.

I will be here as a support as Im sure other posters will, ill be taking each painful step along the way too.

Hang in there MH and I will too

Love from 1foot. x

hello I have not been able to post much as ds then myself have had horrible virus'. Ds is better, I still feel quite wiped out by and dh has been looking after the dcs last two days. He is back to work today.

I did a daft thing the other day I watched the movie 'precious'. It is a movie about abuse between a mother and a daughter primarily. I have been quite disturbed by it and I dont now know what possessed me to watch it, when I knew I was vulnerable because I felt ill and would probbaly feel triggered by it.
I then did another daft thing, I looked on facebook at my mothers profile. It has unleashed a fresh batch of pain, jealousy, sheer anger and rage.
I just see this picture of her smiling into the camera, relaxed, happy. She has cut her hair shorter, she is abroad.
My mother is 63, so relatively young and she has had a lot of work done (looks like more recently). SO she only looks in her fifties.
I guess the anger comes from the fact I am still here struggling, FORTY F@ING yrs of struggle, still searching in books for answers, still seeking counselling to release all the pain and anguish. Still raging at myself and my children and dh, still crippled by my anxieties which ensure I will never have, now probably never will fulfill my potential. All this...while she sips champagne, smiles and laughs into the camera.
She dumped all her anger and pain on me all those years and now she is happy and I am left paying the bill. With my health, my well being and possibly my childrens.
I hate her and I hate myself for not being able to move on from this. She may as well have run over me with a car in the street as a child, either way she has managed to disable.
Im sorry, have nowhere else to go with this and husband is sick to death of it.
I feel like a fraud posting on here when I feel two and a half years on, I am still no further on.
More memories are resurfacing at the moment, and they are different from before. This time I am experiencing the emotions, rather than just recounting what happened but remaining numb.

Hope you are all ok, I really do. Wish I could offer more support, but I just cant at this moment in time but I am still reading about your struggles.x

smithfield your post has allowed me to release my pent up emotions that have been brewing since last night

I have had a happy and stable period but suddenly last night I was triggered suddenly and ferociously. All becuase my ds didn't like a pudding I had lovingly made and then my dh criticised me for shouting and losing it

He was right, I shouldn't have got so angry over a pudding. I just feel he places the standards of his family onto me, but he had a normal family upbringing. It is normal to shout occasionally isn't it? It is okay not to be a perfect mother?

I don't shout a lot but sometimes it all gets to me and usually when I have been triggered by a childhood emotion. I did apologise to my ds and hug him. Deep down I know I don't give a damn that he didn't like the pudding, that he has every right to have likes and dislikes with his food, but I suppose it was my insecurity triggering me. I called him a freak (not to his face to my dh)

It is my dh reaction that makes it worse. I know he is right but I feel like he is judging me as a mother and the guilt and pain just comes crashing in

The thing is I am in danger of becoming my mother. A lot of her issues were her anger and resentment at all the lost opportunities/potential. She never analysed it enough to realise that it all stemmed back to her own childhood. She didnt need to because she had me her little scapegoat.
After all, as she told me....'she gave everything up for me'. Therefore it was my fault.

I realise my problems stem from my childhood, but in terms of processing this stuff I am realising more and more how much my mother robbed me of my own opportunities/potential. I can never get it back.

Even if I started gain now the anxiety due to my damaged self esteem would be too much. That anxiety will fester into a ball which gets thrown out to those closes to me. It is too high a price to pay.
So she carries on fulfilling all her dreams at 60 smiling into a lense. shes at ease now that I am 40 and at home with two children.
Like her biggest competition has been locked away. I HATE HER.

rose- your husband was right to give you a boundary but I know how much it will have hurt. Rejection (from ds), Judgment (from dh).
Your right we cant be perfect but we can use our empathy and learn from our children.
At least you know where your sadness is coming from... ((hug)) This is how they made you feel so rejected as a little girl.
Once upon a time rose I would react to ds in such a way and not have a clue where or why.
I thought it was his fault.
At least now I know when I've been triggered immediately after and can move to put it right.

Smithfield, I think we are drawn to things like the film and your mum's profile when our unconscious mind is doing some work and looking for extra input of some sort. If at all possible, try not to chew it over, just "thank" your mind for working to take care of you. It can make you need some downtime - maybe this is why you 'chose' a time when you had a virus and needed to rest, iyswim.

1foot, mh and rose, thank you for your posts. I'm not responding much because my own mind seems to be working through some stuff, leaving little time for anything else!! IMO you're all showing much wisdom & courage. Take things at a manageable pace
xx

Message withdrawn

grace Now you are just getting me back for my 'through the pain' quotes .
Cos right now the last thing I want is to go through the pain. I feel like I will be swallowed up in the anger and rage of it forever.
Do you feel like writing about your stuff grace? It might help to get it out and might help others process their own stuff too.
Has something happened? An encounter or meeting with family?

Bless you, smithfield, no! But you were right then!!

No, I'm all confuddled. I've been revisiting my feminism (which may not be the same as Dittany's, but is strong enough to piss people off in RL) and trying to clarify which parts of my beliefs & aspirations are abuse-related, rather than specifically gender-related iyswim. It's a morass. The personal is political and so this is relevant to my conflicted feelings about being a woman ... aargh, see why I'm bogged down in it???!!!

Psychologist appointment this afternoon, so I'm going to bounce my jumbled thoughts off her. She's a Dittany-esque feminist but hopefully has more insight into human psychology

"I then did another daft thing, I looked on facebook at my mothers profile. It has unleashed a fresh batch of pain, jealousy, sheer anger and rage.
I just see this picture of her smiling into the camera, relaxed, happy. She has cut her hair shorter, she is abroad."

Therealsmithfield: I guess its important to recognise that facebook is a static presentation of ourselves to the world. Im guilty of having a somewhat old picture of me as my profile, younger, slimmer. Its a way we want the world to see us, not the way we are. There is nothing to suggest on my profile that my life is anything but sunshineville. It surely isnt. I might update my picture today to something more recent.

TRS, thank you so much for the statement "she gave everything up for me" and your experiences of it. Another penny has just dropped for me. dad always said this, and even still does, I have been having a really hard time at work and he just tells me I should stick with it, nothing comes for free in this life, and that hes been miserable at work his whole life, so I should expect that too. That is crap, he is an adult and has chosen this life for himself and is fuck all to do with me.

Life with me feels very odd, like I am suspended in mid air, hanging by a thread.

I had a conversation with my exp/p on msn the other day and it became very clear that he is not willing to take any responsibility for how I have arrived where I am. A major part of the problem is that he has never liked me going out, or having any men speak to me. Even if I dont invite it; his insecurities have controlled me. He absolutely will not accept this at all, yet at the same time remembers an event ( I had put out of my mind, was too horrible) where some gay guy in a gay bar in spain asked me "so how do you like the city" and before I really had chance to answer ,B waded in, totally dominated the situation, acted like a complete dick and shunted my physically out of the way so the guy spoke to him and not me. Like my own little gatekeeper allowing access only when he likes it. ( ie never)
Whenever I raise this as an issue the blame is directed squarely at me, that I dont know how hurtful it is for him to have me speak to other people, and that all my energies should be focused on him alone. Now all my my friends are pretty much gone, and my confidence for meeting new people at rock bottom.

He now has closed the communication down saying he wants it at his pace or not at all.
of course he doesn't want to take any responsibility for his behaviour! so that is what he means about pace.

In the meanwhile I spoke to a close friend of mine who has encouraged me to do something I really want to do that I know B didn't want to do due to his own insecurities and control issues. To think I was going to let it pass me by so he would feel more secure. I don't think he will ever feel secure by anything I do or don't do. My only other boyfriend also had issues in this area, I feel like Im walking the same road over and over. Are all men like this?

I feel like the fog is lifting. I have to listen to my own heart now about what is best for me.

I am finding it so sad to see TRS saying you will never reach your full potential. You may not have been able to in the past, and the present isnt looking too clever, but the future is yours and there is a lot of it. In time I hope you will be able to see that your potential is in the future and you can be who you want to be in the end, it might be along journey of course, but you are on it already so you have that on your side.

This months copy of psychologies has just dropped on the mat so I'm going to head off for a lie down and a read.

With love from 1foot xx

1foot What a lovely post thankyou. I see now how controlling your p is. Wow.
You are doing the right thing by facing this now, head on.
When I was 28 I got my first opportunity in the industry I have just left. Back then I was so excited as it had been something I'd wanted for so long.
I was in a bad relationship then with a controlling, dismissive man. Whom I worshipped.
Shortly after starting the job, I was offered a permenant position (the one I had was a contract), but it meant I had to move away.
My partner said if I moved we were through, because and I quote 'why would he spend his weekends on a motorway'.
I was so low on confidence I didnt take the job and allowed the relationship to continue for another few years before I got out.
You are such a strong young woman (even if you do not feel strong right now) ..trust me you are.
If this is what you want, you dont need anyone elses permission...feel the fear...then do it .

And yes there are good men out there who do not need to control. I married one.

grace good luck this pm. Im sure it will help. Sounds more of the unpacking stuff, finding out who belongs to what.x

Therapist did a miracle! It should have been obvious, but it hadn't been to me. I've extended my 'detachment' wrt to my mother - to include all the things she & dad thought about me, believe I should be and insist upon (etc). I had one of those moments, sitting in her room, where I felt a huge weight lifting from me

I still know what they think, thought, etc. But I don't care! Hurrah!

She gave me a really interesting way to look into what it means to be a woman - and, depending on how it turns out, rethink my female identity. That's going to be a whole lot easier without P&M breathing metaphorically down my neck; I'm looking forward to it!

It's all good in GraceWorld today. Hope everyone else has a valuable flash of insight - and a treat ... I just ate a large pack of mini Cheddars

Hurrah Grace x looking forward to hearing about your female identity!

PMT was knocking on my door again, and all gone and feeling better again now myself.

I am reading all your posts, and think you are all learning so much and teaching others too with your posts!

I buy psychologies also 1 foot, it is a good read!

I have lurked on this thread for some time sort of plucking up the courage to put down in black and white what is churning away in my head.

My mother was/is very controlling and split up with my father when I was about 6months old to marry a local crook. That ended up in tears, attempted murder and a prison sentence. My childhood with her was fraught. She had a very rocky relationship with my gran and seems incapable to being able to have any relationships since she is so domineering and aggressive. She used to hit me with a leather slipper at the drop of a hat and I spent many mealtimes with my face in a dogs bowl where I was force fed.

forward a few years. She met a wonderful man who was my inspiration. My "Dad" and I had a normal teenage/father relationhship where I tested the boundaries and he kept hold of me so to speak. He was my rock and kept the lines of communication open between me and my mum after I failed my exams and left home. Sadly he died in 2002 but he was proud of me and loved my now DH.

I don't understand my relationship with mum. I dont get why I keep in contact with her and "going back for more". She phones up and has a 10min argument with my answerphone. she critisizes my DH, my beloved children, me etc etc. whether its my job, my weight my clothes she's never happy but I don't get why I need approval. FFS I'm 35 and a professional with a good marriage and two wonderful boys. Why do I need her still despite the arguments and hatred she displays.

have had enough now - am physically shaking typing this as its only really DH who knows the extent of my childhood and he describes her as a deeply unpleasant woman.

I will come back and add more as I feel I need the therapy as well as off-loading.

feld to scotland, I am sorry to read that you were physically shaking when typing, it is very difficult and hence why so many people shy away from dealing with the pain, you are brave to have posted, I am awaiting therapy on nhs also, and use here to off load in the mean time, I hope you have found it usefull to you x

I wonder what you guys think of this?

During the breakup of marriage, I made new friends who were single parents, it transpired as time went on that some of them were mentally ill, two at different stages told me they were borderline personality disorder, I am no longer in touch with them, I was very needy after ex left!

I have been scared to look too much into all of this, but the thing that I have realised is that mentally ill people stick together as sane normal people don't want to be around them, hence before ex left, I was ok, and since most people around me have not been well, as I don't think I was well, and I know he was not well mentally!

I have done a brief online personality test and it is showing borderline high for me... I looked it up and genetics not helping, father has bipolar, also the childhood abuse, not coping well with ex leaving and abuse there, also think he is narc, and narc's normally attract other personality disorders.

One bit of good news, it said that those that get help for borderline don't abuse their own children, fingers crossed that psychologist I will be seeing via gp will be soon, I am going to ask them if they think I have somethign wrong with me like this, the two I know who had it had different symptoms in the list and I have some of the symptoms, I wonder if any of you have looked into personality disorders?

Hello all, I have only just found this thread and would like to join in if I may. I'm sorry to read about all of your rough experiences, childhood problems are the worst to come to terms with, and they seem to continue no matter how hard we try to create boundaries or move on.

My story: my mum told my dad she didn't want him to have anything to do with us before I was born, and he duly went 'ok then' and sodded off. We lived with my grandparents for years and then she met this horrible rough bloke when I was 7.

He was intimidating and frightening (imagine the presence of Grant Mitchell looming over you) and seemed to like pulling open my clothes and being inappropriate. Unfortunately, we moved in with him.

He was violent and verbally abusive, calling me names every day and waterboarding me on one occassion because my school shirt was dirty (I read recently about a guy doing that and being put in prison- it made me feel sick). I was terrified of him and considered running away on lots of occassions, but was too scared. My mum stood by him no matter what. I found out he was having an affair when I was 14 (with a school friend's mum!) and he threatened me to keep my mouth shut, then spent several years crying crocodile tears to my mum about how I didin't love him and treat him as a father. Que lots of 'why don't you ever hug him or sit on his lap?' questioning of me by my idiotic mother. (Yeah, cos I want to be affectionate to someone who is abusive to me daily. I just hid in my room constantly. )

I stopped eating at 16 and ended up in hospital for 3 weeks. I also was put on prozac.

At 19 I moved out, first opportunity I could. He left the house a few years later, but I hated the man and severed all contact. I had a nervous breakdown at 20 and suffered from psychiatric problems from then on.

My real dad got in contact when I was 16 and I was very excited; sadly, things were weird between us (he's in a cult and is extremely preachey) and he moved 300 miles away which broke my heart. I severed contact with him last year because I couldn't forgive him for never being there, for putting his own life always before mine and for being a judgemental git who just kept telling me how to live my life.

As for my mum, well that's the most difficult, annoying one of all. I go through phases of being so damn angry that I don't want to see her again, and then she's all sweet and I see that she has some good points and regrets, and I let her off for a bit. It's a complete headfeck. The rest of my family (aunts, cousins etc) think she's a very selfish woman, and she is, but somehow I can't quite let go. She has hurt me irrevocably, but the thought of losing all 3 parental figures is just too much.

I've been through some awful periods- was diagnosed as Bipolar/ Borderline Personality 3 years ago, and nearly killed myself through self harm. Luckily I have a wonderful husband and a baby on the way and I'm a lot healthier these days (no meds, whoop) but these issues still haunt me daily.

It's good to know this thread is here to chat on about it all.

madame g, sorry to hear your story x when you were diagnosed, did you have therapy, and did they give you a chance to deal with the childhood stuff then?

Hi Mummie,

I was diagnosed in 2007. I was under the constant care of the local mental health unit from 2005- 2009. I saw a psych nurse weekly, had group therapy for self harm (but it didn't help much, we all just triggered each other really), then I had a year of psychotherapy with a psychologist.

The psychotherapy did help in some ways, the lady was very nice and it helped me make some peace with myself and the past. That said, I could have done with some more work on my real dad and my mum's issues, which still plague me. I think I'll have to seek out a counsellour at some point in the not too distant future as a top up to keep myself healthy.

What really helped me get better was my sister and my husband. I moved in with my sister in 2007 and she looked after me for a year, and I felt really loved after years of feeling so alone, and my now husband came back into my life as a friend and then boyfriend. The two of them kept me upright, encouraged me, looked after me every day and gave me the strength to eventually escape the worst issues (hallucinations, self harm, suicidal tendancies, hearing voices). At one point I was on Valium, Antipsychotics and heavy antidepressants and I was a walking zombie. But the two of them showed me so much love and care that over time I started to feel happier again and therefore heal a bit.

I came off the anti-depressants and everything else by August last year, and the mental health team discharged me. I'm still not 'right' as it were (my husband keeps me strong and level) but I'm considered healthy now, and live a normal life.

I think that distancing myself from those bad relationships helped a lot, although I am still very sad about it all.