Caught DH on video..... sex experts etc. help.

[ALittleBitConfused]

dressed in women's lingere and moving about seductively. We share a computer but I don't know his password.

However he left it open and I was looking fondly at some pics of the kids and came across it.

I know you're gonna think I'm a troll and take the piss, but I'm honestly not so be kind. I'm away from home atm and have not mentioned it since I found it.

WWYD?

p.s. yes I have changed my name, but that is to protect my DH as I'm easily identifiable from my usual name.

Yes, I suppose so, but it upsetting to find that when getting to know him, all those questions about his childhood and development and experiences that I was interested in were shrugged off with 'oh I can't remember' and I was prevented from sharing things with him. Not that I have an entitlement to it or anything but I was always a bit upset that our relationship wasn't equal and that I didn't have the full picture like he did of me.

That is what hurts (although I have more of the picture now) and that is what is causing our marriage the most damage, - the fact that he hadn't been honest. I don't actually blame him for it however, as society does appear to be cruel and ignorant about this, but it does make me very very sad.

This is the crux of it, imo -- that he couldn't trust you or wouldn't trust you with this. It's a very self-absorbed perspective for him. When you focus entirely on your own discomfort or anxiety about some issue and don't seem to understand or anticipate what your wife might feel if or when she finds out you don't come across as very relationship-oriented. The imbalance in the relationship, and the trust issue, once discovered, can be very hard to fix.

Math I don't get it as being about trust.

It's not that he could not TRUST her with his dressing up thing, it's that he feared she would be freaked out by it....and he was right!

If there's something big in your life that you think someone would be freaked out by, you have to allow them the chance to make the decision on whether to continue the relationship by telling them the secret. Otherwise the relationship is based to a large extent on a false impression you convey about yourself.

If you choose instead to hide that big thing and take away the other person's ability to make a decision based on all the pertinent facts, and it eventually gets found out, then the trust the partner formerly had is blown away, replaced by suspicion and anger.

If you truly love someone, you should respect them enough to tell them about the big things in your life, you should decide to trust them to make a decision that is right for them, and because you care enough for them, whatever decision they make you try hard to accept. This may well mean going through the pain of rejection by someone you love, and that's tough. But if you choose to hide the secret, you risk putting the person you allegedly love through the horrible pain that accompanies the realisation that she's been lied to and pushed away emotionally. Is that the behaviour of someone who loves his partner or is that what someone does who is more concerned about himself?

It's pure arrogance to go ahead and put the guarding of your secret ahead of the happiness and the life chances of someone you say you love, when it's all boiled down.

You have no right to withhold that sort of information from someone who is in the process of making a very significant decision about her life, i.e. whether to cast in her lot with you, have children with you, tie your finances together. You simply cannot blindfold someone like that and expect that there will be no repercussions in terms of trust and anger and deep resentment when the secret is found out, or expect the the person to accept something X number of years down the road that she would not have accepted previously, just because the alternative is being suddenly single again at age 38 or whatever. Integrity and basic respect go a long way in a relationship.

Mathan, you are so right - Even the "everyone has their little secrets" brigade can't put forward any kind of reasonable argument against what you've said, you sound like you're speaking from personal experience too.
There must be some very selfish people around, or they have difficult secrets to hide, to hold the view that it is acceptable to keep whole chunks of your personality from a partner.

If you love someone, you tell them the truth, even if it means losing them, that's what real love and respect is.

The reasonable argument is that it isn't a big deal, for some people. If it is a big deal for you, then of course you'll have this big overblown hysterical reaction and throw words like trust, respect and blah blah blah.
For me, I'd think - why on earth did you think I'd mind and it would not be a big deal. I'd be more upset by my partner cocking up the takeaway order.

Hi ALittleBitConfused,
To give you a slightly different perspective it's worth bearing in mind how potentially difficult this could be for your partner. He has lived with this possibly for years and years (probably from childhood).

Most people have an idea of their sexuality from the age of about 8. If you have gender dysphoria (you are not sure of male/female boundaries) then it is a very confusing time.

He will probably have gone through times in hhis life where he would try to get rid of his confusion and there will be other times where this is nigh on impossible.

It's a huge subject and there are no simple answers. I would however think there would be a lot to gain from a sympathetic approach to him. To condemn him is counter-productive. This is not a trust issue - it's much more fundamental to him than that - this is about his identity as a person.

I have some personal experience of this type of issue and know it's very very hard for the person involved to come to some understanding of who they are and how they cope with life.

"If it is a big deal for you, then of course you'll have this big overblown hysterical reaction and throw words like trust, respect and blah blah blah."

Wow, thanks Gay40. I had a big overblown hysterical reaction to the discovery that my exH had lied to me for almost 17 years, and sitting in the midwife's office getting tested for every std under the sun was something I should have relaxed more about? Oh and I'm unreasonable too?

Everyone has a right to their own reaction. Someone who feels differently from you is not being unreasonable, just different. You don't have a right to judge.

I'm looking at this from the perspective of someone who has experience of discovering a big secret, and while both parties obviously have a lot of emotion wrapped up in the situation, neither one trumps the other. Both are equally valid; nobody should be told to get over him or herself because the other person has suffered longer or whatever.

I don't think the STD issue compares at all to the transvestism.

Math we will have to agree to disagree.
I honestly can not understand your point at all

Mal, to call those with a different view from yours selfish...seriously. catch a grip

and what has STD got to do with wearing bra and pants?

I didn't ask for your your opinion about my life Gay40. Hope you never have to walk a day in my shoes. You have no right to compare me or to judge me or to say my feelings about being exposed to stds by own so-called DH are nothing compared to his so-called pain, in my not so humble opinion, (which I don't have to justify to you). I have 5 children, one of whom was being breastfed when he exposed me. And he had no intention of telling me, ever, until he got a rash.

Not everyone who is gay is a fucking saint.

Empathy is a two way street, Jasper, and Gay40. Belonging to a group that is set apart from the mainstream due to sexual orientation, or sexual confusion, or whatever, does not exempt you from the rules of common decency.

And yes, it is utterly selfish to bring 5 children into the world when you know what is at stake for them if your secret is blown.

I'm sure no one wants to make you relive what was clearly a terrible experience, math - and my ex was also wildly unfaithful. FWIW I don't think people are judging you (and certainly not your experience) they're just saying they don't agree with your reaction (which is based on that experience) to this situation, which is different.

However, it's important to remember this is the OP's thread, and is about cross-dressing, not homosexuality, or being unfaithful, or STD's. For many people, not all secrets are the same. There is a difference between concealing activity that is harmful to the partner/marriage (affairs, gambling, drinking, crime) and having a secret that isn't harmful in itself and which is very difficult to reveal. Many people don't tell other people in their adult lives that they were abused as children, for example. It's not that they don't trust the people thay love, it's just that they aren't ready to be that vulnerable.

Cross-dressing is something that people can be very vicious about, and I think Jaydubs post is excellent.

Math, if you bring your opinion here, you'll attract comment and opinions back. Nor do you have to justify anything to me - not that I asked you to, but you have posted on this thread and therefore you will get a response.
If I don't agree with you, I don't agree with you, whatever your circumstances.
Not do I claim everyone who is gay is a saint - I'm not sure what that has to do with it, other than piling more chips onto the whacking great one on your shoulder that is already there.

I have not "attracted" comments like yours. You should at least have the decency and integrity to use the active voice when you try to excuse what you yourself have chosen to post and then typed before hitting send. I am perfectly aware of the possibility that I will "get a response" to anything I post. I take exception to the idea that one poster can dismiss the experience of another by comparing apples and oranges in the way that you did pontificating that apples have it worse. You need to take responsibility for the responses you post and stop hiding behind ridiculous assertions like "you have posted on this thread and therefore you will get a response."

You are the (only) person who has decided my experience is of no account either on its own or compared to experiences of others. Own it.

The chip on my shoulder? Puhleeeeease

I have nothing more to say to such an arrogant individual.

Tanga, I don't think the question is about cross-dressing. Who except for the right wing loony fringe would ever take exception to a bit of harmless cross dressing, something that's not hurting anyone? This is what the OP posted, and what I took to be her main problem -- "That is what hurts (although I have more of the picture now) and that is what is causing our marriage the most damage, - the fact that he hadn't been honest. I don't actually blame him for it however, as society does appear to be cruel and ignorant about this, but it does make me very very sad."

I know it's hard to reveal things that have hurt you, and especially when those things happened in your childhood and you may or may not have come to terms with them, but it also hurts to be a loving spouse and get the same degree of suspicion and fear from your husband that he would reserve for a locker-room full of bullies.

Math. If you post...you risk getting a response you don't like. I'm not about to modify my views to keep you or anyone else on MN happy.
Do you understand the concept of anyone having a different opinion from yours?
I'll stand up for my own opinion, and I speak only for myself. Not entirely sure where you are getting your anger from...bit closer to home, I suspect.

Different opinion yes, having my experiences dismissed or compared to someone else's and found lacking because it doesn't support your opinion, No.

And again, what's with the passive voice? What I get by way of response to a post depends entirely on what people choose to say. If you choose to dismiss my experience, don't try saying I 'attracted' that specific response. I know what I risk, and I'm prepared for most of it, but not the denigration you posted. As it turned out, I only 'risked' 'getting' that sort of response from you, so apparently I'm not a general negative response magnet, I just seem to have pushed some sort of button of yours.

I don't need any words from you to make me happy. Believe me, you and your opinion of me are not that important to me in the bigger scheme of things. Making anyone happy here on MN is not your job, don't kid yourself, and don't try to justify your dismissive attitude towards people you don't 'get' here by shrugging off an imaginary task while pretending there are no guidelines for civil discourse here.

My response to you comes from being treated so rudely and with such arrogance. You are not the arbiter of whose opinions and experiences are or are not relevant on any given thread. We have different opinions, I know you can articulate that much at least, but I don't think you fully understand that I have as much of a right to mine as you do to yours, and that you have no right to dismiss my experience because in your opinion it's not quite as bad as someone else's.

I would like to add abrasive and coarse to my other comments about your posting style.

Oh there's much better words. Try again!

I would not normally get involved with this at all but I have to say I find it a great pity that what started out as a serious concern for the OP has degenerated somewhat.

Please have a look at your behaviour.

It's still a serious concern. Some people need not to get hysterical, though.

What if the secret was a huge debt? Or a secret gambling addiction? That is to say, something not related to sexuality or sexual identity, which seems to be putting blinders on some.

The impulse to keep the secret may be just as strong, and the fear of being caught too. A secret like that involves ongoing deceit whether by omission or commission too, and the resulting feelings of hurt and anger on the part of the DW might be just the same.

You can say, Poor guy, how terrible he must have felt, because only a very cold person would be completely devoid of empathy, but in the end, on top of sorting out the financial mess, the DW is left to live with her feelings and has to decide whether the positives in the relationship outweigh the realisation and accompanying strong feelings that her life with her DH has been based on something false.

I think a huge number of relationships where secrets are discovered end up breaking apart, because the hurt once the secret is revealed is real and very deep, not just because of the nature of the secret.

Huge debts and gambling would be a massive issue for me, aye. Much more than the occasional foray into transvestism.
Still don't see it (TV) as a massive problem, but each to their own.
Boring world if we were all the same etc