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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Caught DH on video..... sex experts etc. help.

125 replies

ALittleBitConfused · 27/04/2010 18:26

dressed in women's lingere and moving about seductively. We share a computer but I don't know his password.

However he left it open and I was looking fondly at some pics of the kids and came across it.

I know you're gonna think I'm a troll and take the piss, but I'm honestly not so be kind. I'm away from home atm and have not mentioned it since I found it.

WWYD?

p.s. yes I have changed my name, but that is to protect my DH as I'm easily identifiable from my usual name.

OP posts:

Gay40 · 27/04/2010 19:35

BTW I am by no means an expert, but I do move in those sort of circles, both professionally and privately

elliemental · 27/04/2010 19:35

It depends on whether you think he wanted you to find the video or whether you think he would be utterly, utterly mortified.
it may be that if you said something about it to him that he would be vastly relieved to be able to talk about it. Or it might be that he could get very defensive.
It seems to be a relatively harmless 'thing'. But if it makes you uncomfortabl, i can see this might make it difficult for you to view your DH in the same way, sexually.

I don't understand why people are being so about your thread.

Gay40 · 27/04/2010 19:40

i think JMTP's email idea is brilliant. I'm going to bear this in mind for future reference

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 27/04/2010 19:43

ellie makes a very good point - a normally password protected computer just happened to be left unlocked and with something on it for you to find? That would suggest to me that, consciously or unconsciously, he wanted you to find out.

Original poster

ALittleBitConfused · 27/04/2010 19:44

Thank you ellie gay and just. It's hardly a topic I can raise with friends as they all know him.

I don't have a mobile but might call him later tonight and tell him. I seriously doubt he intended me to see it. It was hidden in a place he would be unlikely to suspect I would go (as I have the same pics on my own part of the computer).

I'll perhaps just let him know what I have seen and try not to get into a discussion particularly as it is unfair if he hasn't planned for it, and try to be as cool as I can.

I'll then leave it up to him to raise it again or not. I imagine he'd be mortified tbh, he is a bit under his mother's thumb expectations and likes very much to conform to her idea of what a man is, so knowing it isn't a secret will be hard for him.

Thanks very much for those sites. I can get a bit cross that he didn't tell me before marriage as they have suggested, but they ALL say that once it is out of the bag it should be discussed to avoid it raising it's head at an ugly time.

OP posts:

Gay40 · 27/04/2010 19:48

He is no less of a man than he was before. He's still the same person you love. He'll either be relieved, embarassed or both.
TBH he might not have even known himself when you got married.
His mum doesn't need to know, no-one does unless that is his choice

elliemental · 27/04/2010 19:49

good luck

Original poster

ALittleBitConfused · 27/04/2010 19:55

Oh god no. I'd definately never tell anyone. Don't think it is my call to. That's why I am here annonymously rather than on the phone asking friends.

Do you know what else though. I'm a bit jealous of how fab he looks, given that I am 3 stone heavier than I was pre-birth and have very bad skin due to a lot of stress we have been having recently.

I'm also a bit cross at the time he will have taken off of family life pretending to be doing something else when I don't get a hobby or a break from our extremely stressful life.

I suppose this is why we need to talk then!?

OP posts:

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 27/04/2010 19:58

yes, it is. Good luck. This is still the man you love. That hasn't changed. It'll be ok.

MinkyBorage · 27/04/2010 20:04

Ignore the people who are .

I can't believe that you have 'accidentally' found this. Surely surely there is part of him that has allowed this to happen. You definitely have to talk to him about it imo. By talking about it you are definitely not saying that it is something you would like to become involved with. Best of luck. It's a toughie.

Gay40 · 27/04/2010 20:05

Try not to resent the time element thing, seriously. However, after you've talked, you'll be in a better position to negotiate your hobby/break time

Malificence · 27/04/2010 20:07

He might well still be the same man, but he is also a liar and has a side to him that he should have told you about.
The secrets and lies need addressing first and foremost.
A good marriage has no secrets.

Gay40 · 27/04/2010 20:09

Oh get a grip. He's hardly a liar. More than likely he's wanted to tell her but just couldn't...couldn't.
I'd also suggest he'd rather not be a liar either

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 27/04/2010 20:11

not really a liar, unless the OP said to him "do you wear women's clothes?" and he said "no"

More failing to confide an aspect of himself, for fear of losing her love.

Original poster

ALittleBitConfused · 27/04/2010 20:12

Mal I don't see it like that. It is a big deal for me, it may not be to him. I don't tell DH how I shave my pubes for example and I definately don't let him see me pick my toenails.

It's just very - suprising. He probably thinks it is none of my business and has no bearing on our marriage, I don't know. I have never done this before. I have some disappointment I think, but I wouldn't go so far as to call him a deliberate liar.

OP posts:

Gay40 · 27/04/2010 20:12

JMTPW, spot on again

Gay40 · 27/04/2010 20:13

If he wants you to join in with the dressing up and make-up, that's a serious issue for you to consider. But most just want to get on with it in private

Malificence · 27/04/2010 20:16

Which makes him a liar and a coward.

It must be heartbreaking to see the man you love dressed up like that, I know there are women who can deal with it but I'm definitely not one of them.

bobbiewickham · 27/04/2010 20:17

Bloody hell Mal, you do have a habit of calling a spade a fucking shovel.

There are shades of grey in life, you know...

elliemental · 27/04/2010 20:21

Mal - that's a bit harsh!
I have a couple of fantasies which I haven't shared with my DH because I'd be embarassed. They are mine, personal, in my head and not for anyone else. Doesn't everybody have fantasies?
If I decided to broach the subject with my DH, I'd be horrified if he called me a liar for not mentioning the fact that I secretly fantasise about, for example, having sex dressed as a cow (it's NOT that btw

He's hardly a liar for wanting to take a fantasy (which doesn't physcially hurt anyone) one step forward. It may be that that one time was 'enough'.

Original poster

ALittleBitConfused · 27/04/2010 20:27

Look, I can see I that I have issues with it that I need to explore and sort out, but it has never once occurred to me that he is any less of a man or any less of a husband.

If I had known before we got married I would have STILL married him. I know that at least.

I just wish that I would have been able to deal with it then when I had energy and could focus on us, rather than now with a court case pending and potential loss of house etc. (without going into too much detail, - and absolutely nothing to do with him - life is just shit sometimes). I'm a bit cross with him for that.

OP posts:

Malificence · 27/04/2010 20:35

That's fair enough OP, but if he had told you from the start at least you would have had the choice, the simple fact is that he doesn't respect you enough to tell you the truth, it doesn't matter that he's into wearing frocks, it could be anything, secretly smoking / taking drugs/ paying for sex / whatever. It's a whole chunk of his personality that he hasn't shared with you, that's the unacceptable thing about it.

What if he wants to be like that all the time?

bobbiewickham · 27/04/2010 20:45

Do you have to reveal absolutely everything about yourself to your partner?

Can't you keep a little bit back?

You are two separate people - and like it or not, the likelihood is that one of you is going to be alone again one day.

Marriage is not a complete mind-meld, for god's sake.

Eurostar · 27/04/2010 20:54

It's really not such an unusual thing for men to do. Many report it as being a stress reliever. Google the Beaumont society for some helpful stuff.

Gay40 · 27/04/2010 21:01

Mal, you are talking shite. Just because you couldn't handle it, doesn't make him a liar or a coward. And if there's nothing in your life which you'd just rather keep to yourself for whatever reason, than I'll berate you for being a bit pathetic and shallow.
It's not even a whole chunk of a personality. It's a tiny part of his private life.
I totally understand why he hasn't mentioned it.

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