Caught DH on video..... sex experts etc. help.

[ALittleBitConfused]

dressed in women's lingere and moving about seductively. We share a computer but I don't know his password.

However he left it open and I was looking fondly at some pics of the kids and came across it.

I know you're gonna think I'm a troll and take the piss, but I'm honestly not so be kind. I'm away from home atm and have not mentioned it since I found it.

WWYD?

p.s. yes I have changed my name, but that is to protect my DH as I'm easily identifiable from my usual name.

Gay40 I did say it might be the right thing, but it would have been my knee jerk reaction and it certainly would force us to discuss it.

I also said I think I could cope with it - I am sure I could in fact, DH has shocked with much more than that sexually over the years

*not be the right thing

So the fact that he likes to wear a frock on occasion has an impact on whether they take out a loan together?
Listen to yourself for fks sake

I don't think it changes who he is at all.

And, if you folk who think it's a trust issue, I'm assuming you share absolutely every waking and dreaming thought with your partners: fantasies, annoyances, the conversations with your friends when you are pissed off?
I doubt it.
Hypocrisy.

Not sure where getting a loan together comes into it really?!

If the OP knows and has feelings on the subject, which she clearly did, then it needs to be discussed. How you get to that point is surely irrelevant, more important on how you move on afterwards.

I don't think its a trust issue, I would just feel I had to know the whys and wherefores to understnaa and move on from it.

Yes, it does impact whether she might decide to take out a loan together as a couple, because she might not have wanted to remain married to him, or marry him in the first place, if she knew. He has held all the power in the relationship by holding very relevant information about himself so close to his chest.

It changes who he is in her eyes, not who he is innately. And what he is in her eyes matters, since she is his wife, and her perception of him has influenced how she feels about having him as her sexual partner, financial partner, co-parent to children, if there are any.

Gay40 this is rather more than a fantasy. He has put time and thought and effort into this. It's absurd to expect people to share every waking or dreaming thought or fantasy with a partner, but in a relationship, both partners have a right to negotiate where the line between what is real and what is fantasy should be.

It's not necessarily cut and dried, all out in the open or nothing shared, and it's not hypocrisy to try to draw a line where both partners feel it belongs. Both partners need full access to the relevant information in order to agree on where that line is. The OP's DH has disregarded the idea that his wife might have a right to a say in where that line should be drawn in their relationship.

at "Gollum in a dress"

Not at the sentiment, but I can just imagine the tone of voice.

Tee hee.

Just to clarify, this poor bloke hasn't actually murdered anyone, has he?

Complete overreaction, Math. If wishes to wear a nice Laura Ashley in front of thir children, or fling on a Schiaparelli when he has an early finish from work and go to Sainsburys, that's a different matter.
I just don't see it as anything other than a very private, tiny part of the man's personality.
Maybe in the recession they'll start putting "Do you cross dress?" on the mortgage application form.

Well I absolutely think it changes who he is.

It's quite bizarre to me that some people think it's acceptable for there to be that level of deceit within a marriage, it's a part of him that she, his wife has no knowlege of, he has kept it a secret from her.

I don't care for what reason, it's wrong, people in a long term relationship aren't "entitled" to a secret , private portion of their life at all, and no, I'm not talking about buying a big block of chocolate and eating it all yourself or any other petty activity. It's a revelation that has a huge impact on a person's perceptions about their partner.

It's no different to finding out he has a gambling problem, or drinks too much or secretly smokes, secrets are poisonous to a good relationship.
If you can't share your deepest secrets with your partner, why are you with them?

Yes - because you are disgustd by the idea and obviously reject the concept of individuality in a relationship. Do you ever have an independent thought??? CALL THE COPS

I bet if his secret was scrubbing the toilet with bleach of an evening, you wouldn't give a toss

Reject the concept of individuality in a relationship? Whatever..
I'm very much an individual thank you, as is my DH, we couldn't be more different, personality wise.
We have seperate and sometimes conflicting opinions on many things, but as we respect one another , we discuss things and don't keep secrets.

Hmm, I wonder which relationships are the most successful/long lived - the ones with mutual respect and honesty or the ones with "secrets".

I'm just not one of these who thinks that being in a relationship means that you voluntarily give up all sense of self.

It's not the same as gambling, or drinking too much (and TBH deeply offensive to those people whose lives, and those of their children, have been irrevocably blighted by those things) The OP's husband is not beating her of an evening because he's been cross-dressing all day, or disappearing without telling her where he's going only to be discovered spending the child benefit in the M&S sale.

Look - this is something that, due to society's reaction, is very difficult to admit to. For you, Mal, that makes him a coward. Would you have said the same about people too scared of rejection to 'come out' as gay in the 50's? Aside from bigoted, judgemental knee-jerk reactions, does this change anything about this person? Really? Just wearing different kinds of clothes?

How respectful and mutually supportive is it to revile someone for being too scared of rejection to tell you about something that is part of his nature but he has been made to feel so ashamed of that he can only do it in secret?

Well said Tanga. I really feel for both the OP and her DH. I agree that those relationships which are founded on absolute truth stand the greatest chance of longevity malificence. And bully for you that you are a happy participant in such a rock solid relationship.

But not all relationships are as perfect as yours. And this is not a transgression that should end the relationship. Granted, it's not entirely honest. But then I always think there is something a bit wrong about relationships where there is no mystery.

Is your DH in the room when you poo? Does he see you plucking the hairs from your chin? Dying your roots? I don't see that this is terribly different.

I think it is about time I confessed my fetish of wanting to lick random men's forearms to DH...

OP, you sound like a very understanding wife and I hope you can both come to some sort of understanding together

I think I would have to ask some very difficult questions about exactly how far he has taken this scenario, but if I was satisfied it was just within your own home, and not out there in the WWW, I might come to terms with it

It really wouldn't bother me. Honestly. I've tried thinking of an equivalent scenario (thinking of my gf dressing as a bloke just makes me giggle) but I can't.
For me, a damaging secret would be that gambling/credit card debt/STD thing.
Now THAT would piss me right off.

When a man has seen you give birth and you've bathed his vasectomy stitches, I don't think there's much mystery left tbh.

As long as I was told , I wouldn't
mind how "shameful" the revelation, as long it was legal and didn't involve 3rd parties (including webcams!).

If he wanted to wrap himself in clingfilm and writhe around in a paddling pool full of tapioca, it would be fine, as long as I knew about it. I wouldn't want to participate, just like I don't participate when he's hurtling down a beach on a mountain board attached to a large kite . 'cos I think that's a bit mental too, but he likes it.

my forearm fetish is undisclosed...

like Gay40 it would not bother me either.

I don't expect to know every detail of my husband's life/desires/thoughts and our relationship would not last long if he felt entitiled to know mine.

I would die of suffocation if I was in some of the marriages described here.
Each to their own, eh?

I was going to leave this with my last post but given that there are many responses.

In short what has happened has been some very difficult discussions and I am very hurt by some of the things that have not been shared prior and during our marriage. Things about his experiences and childhoood that he feels explain it a bit. One thing for sure is that he is utterly utterly ashamed of these things and reckons he never told me because it was always his plan to stamp the memories and the behvaiour completely from his life, so in his mind it was irrelevant.

It is totally private thing however.

He knows I still love him, that I feel the hurt I am currently feeling will probably get less over time, but that I can't promise it won't turn into resentment. Currently I want to reserve the right to occassionally say 'actually no I'm not comfortable with this' instead of agree now that everything is fine for now and forever, although I do hope it will be.

Thank you to all who have been supportive. I really appreciate it.

jasper...do you mean that you would be totally and completely unruffled and disinterested

or that you would find a way to deal with it ?

'cos the former seems a bit strange to me, too

No I would be fascinated!
And astonished - as would you if you knew my dh

But I would not feel upset on a personal level,or that is undermined our relationship

alittlebitconfused

i think you have delat with this really well, you absolutely reserve teh right to not be okay with it, just keep communicating and letting him know where you are at and likewise him. i hope you can work through this. every relationship is different and not everyone would be able to be with someone who had kept a secret. good luck.

ALittleBitConfused, there are support groups you might like to look into -- I have benefited enormously from an online community for partners of bi or gay OHs. While cross-dressing is not necessarily the same thing, knowing you're not the only one out there struggling with revelations about the person you thought was the closest to you on this earth can help.

For me, finding out such a significant detail after 5 children and two mortgages was ultimately too much to deal with, but there were plenty of other aspects of the relationship that were really bad too. Twas hard to know where his personality ended and his secret began, IYKWIM -- he definitely has a disorder in the personality department.

Wishing you all the best on your strange journey. This is uncharted territory in many respects and it's hard for a lot of people to put themselves in your shoes, but the basic relationship bulwarks of respect and communication still deserve attention.

Hi, I suppose I would talk about it if I were you but it doesn't seem that chronic to me. It doesn't seem that bad at all really. I guess if you were to be horrified it wouldn't do much good to discuss it. Having your own secret is not really relevant and you are complicating things enormously. I suppose I just want to say, don't worry about anything except how you feel about it and how he might feel about you knowing, because what the world might think is neither here nor there.

But, I don't know, it just doesn't seem like the biggest deal in the world to me.

Please don't worry, ALittleBitConfused,

It is good to know what sort of things turn your hubby on.

He may like the idea of being dominated as a fantasy. If you like the idea of playing the dominatrix now and again, you could have a lot of fun. Keep it lighthearted and see how it goes.

Good Luck.