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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Caught DH on video..... sex experts etc. help.

125 replies

ALittleBitConfused · 27/04/2010 18:26

dressed in women's lingere and moving about seductively. We share a computer but I don't know his password.

However he left it open and I was looking fondly at some pics of the kids and came across it.

I know you're gonna think I'm a troll and take the piss, but I'm honestly not so be kind. I'm away from home atm and have not mentioned it since I found it.

WWYD?

p.s. yes I have changed my name, but that is to protect my DH as I'm easily identifiable from my usual name.

OP posts:
Tanga · 27/04/2010 21:53

'Heartbreaking'?

Well that says more about the poster than the man in question, to my mind. Heartbreaking is finding out your man has cancer, FFS, not that he occasionally wears pieces of material that are a bit different from the material he wears the rest of the time. If it wasn't for small-minded spiteful judgements like that OP's hubby would have felt more comfortable revealing this element of himself.

I agree with the talk to him idea, but think about the timing. Could you have a weekend away? Have you ever done one of those sex surveys? They list like a hundred sexual activities and you both have to rate them 1 to 5 (very interested/not interested)and then share. I'd advise having a go, getting drunk and try not to think of David Brent.

Original poster
ALittleBitConfused · 27/04/2010 22:13

Tanga,

No, I never knew such things existed. Perhaps I'll google and find some -thanks.

OP posts:
Gay40 · 27/04/2010 23:40

The danger in going away for the weekend or whatever is that it blows it out of all proportion before you've even started talking. It doesn't have to be a big deal.

lilacclaire · 27/04/2010 23:49

Could you write him an email or text before he gets home to give him time to prepare himself, he'll probably be pretty shocked that you've found out. I would make it clear that your not wanting to break up over it or told anyone else to stop him completely freaking out before he gets home?

jasper · 27/04/2010 23:53

He has not discussed it with you because it is a private part of himself.

I think you should respect that and never mention it.

if he wants to tell you, he will. If he doesn't, that's his prerogative

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/04/2010 07:37

Hi

Some men do cross dress.

You may want to look at the website of the Beaumont Society (which is UK based) as they are helpful for both crossdressers and their wives (think there is a support group/forum for wives). You need support too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/04/2010 07:38

This is the link I was referring to:-

www.www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs

Original poster
ALittleBitConfused · 28/04/2010 08:39

Thanks everyone.

Done and dusted on a late night call. I'm going to need to do some research now to understand but all in all I think I'll get used to it eventually.

I don't want to talk about the details here so sorry for not updating, but I am grateful for your input.

Thanks too Antilla

OP posts:
Gay40 · 28/04/2010 10:55

I'm going to assume it didn't go dreadfully and that in time everything will be fine.

Hope so xx

Swanky · 28/04/2010 11:03

My reaction would have been to leave it playing on the PC, go and get him, show him and ask him WTF he was doing?!

Might not be the right thing, but its what I would have done!

Is he showing others it? Is he making the video to advertise himself? Whose underwear? When did he do it? How many times? Since when?

I would want to know it all, so I could make my mind up how I felt about it.

I think I could cope with it, but I would need to know the ins and outs, should there be any

Gay40 · 28/04/2010 15:42

And that confrontational attitude would make the whole thing better.

dogfish · 28/04/2010 15:47

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Malificence · 28/04/2010 16:25

A "fun, private hobby" ! You're joking right? My DH's fun hobby is mountainboarding or playing COD.

How is it not about trust?

Perhaps I'm the odd one out but to me marriage means no secrets, certainly none as big as this.

If I found my husband prancing around in a wig and stockings, looking like Gollum in a dress, it would be game (and marriage) over - not for the fact of what he was doing, for the fact that he didn't respect me enough to tell me.

mathanxiety · 28/04/2010 16:38

I agree with Malificence.

This is about the relationship, and trust, and honesty (which comes from respect for both one's partner and for the relationship) and how the OP feels is just as important as someone's right to a hobby, or a right to a particular hobby.

This is not about the PCness of cross-dressing or whether cross-dressing is normal or how many men do it or for what reasons. It's about the relationship. The fact that a spouse has a hobby or a pressure valve or an interest in exploring his feminine side and his wife, his life partner, was unaware of it until now is important.

dogfish · 28/04/2010 16:52

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mathanxiety · 28/04/2010 17:05

The OP does not know at this point whether her DH has been leading a double life, or more accurately how much of a double life he has been leading. She has mentioned a wig and makeup and clothing, which her DH has taken time to buy and apply or put on, and he has also taken the time to film himself and post the clip. She does not know how much time he devotes to this or if he goes to clubs or does it with other people or how much money he has spent doing this. She does not know who else knows about this besides her. She does not know if the cross-dressing is where it begins and ends, or if there's more that she doesn't know about.

In other words, she does not know at this point if this is the tip of any particular iceberg, or what the size that potential iceberg might be.

Hopefully her DH will see the need for total honesty about his unsuspected activities, so she will not be living with any degree of uncertainty or lack of trust, or wonder where he is if he's ten minutes late home from work, etc. The suspicion that there's something going on and that someone is not being completely honest or hasn't been in the past can do a lot of serious damage to a relationship.

And it's not up to the surprised party to get over herself, but rather it's up to the person who has been discovered hiding something to repair the relationship damage, and demonstrate his respect for it and for his wife.

jamaisjedors · 28/04/2010 17:05

Hi, just skimmed the other posts, and hope you are ok.

Just wanted to say that one of Marian Keye's recent books has quite a strong cross-dressing theme - I think it's called this charming man, you should read it, it might give you some insights and help you put it into perspective.

Good luck

dogfish · 28/04/2010 17:39

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booyhoo · 28/04/2010 17:44

the only bit that would bother me is the fact that he didn't feel he could tell you but then again, if he is embarrased, not hurting anyone, doesn't wish to include you in it then why should he tell you. the actual dressing up wouldn't bother me.

booyhoo · 28/04/2010 17:50

"Mal, your choice of language suggests that you actually disapprove of the specific activity quite strongly and would prefer that if your OH did have a secret hobby, it would at least be of the wholeseome sporty variety."

dogfish totally agree.

Malificence · 28/04/2010 18:17

The only thing I disapprove of is dishonesty and or secrecy within relationships - it's very destructive and unhealthy.

Yes, it would make my stomach turn to imagine finding my husband dressed up like that but that's because he would have been hiding a piece of himself from me for many years, that isn't acceptable.

It changes who he is, in a very significant way, especially for his wife.

If women can accept the fact that their partner's do this then good for them, the trouble is that not many blokes would look like Tim Curry a la Rocky horror, most would look like Gollum in lipstick.

booyhoo · 28/04/2010 18:26

MY OH would be quite fetching in make-up and lingerie, he is a very pretty man. although he doesn't like to hear it

mathanxiety · 28/04/2010 18:43

"It changes who he is, in a very significant way, especially for his wife."

Agree completely.

If this has been going on for many years, i.e. since before they married, then she married a pig in a poke.

LadyBiscuit · 28/04/2010 18:47

Maybe the poor bloke's ashamed of it? Maybe he's afraid she'll leave him? I don't blame him for keeping it a secret at all. I used to work in a hotel and our business traveller rooms not only quite often had porn mags left in the drawer but women's underwear featured a surprising number of times (larger sizes )

mathanxiety · 28/04/2010 18:56

Thing is, if it's been going on for years, he's been keeping information from her that she would probably have factored into all sorts of decisions she has made or that they have made together, such as getting married, buying a house together, having a child together, taking out any sort of loan together as a couple -- he has kept information from her that might have had a big impact on any of those decisions, so effectively, he has taken from her the capability to make decisions based on reality/truth.

It's not just about him and whether he finds this embarrassing to discuss. Deep down, people who deny their partners the information they might need on which to base important decisions are controlling their partners.