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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Seems it is the end of the line - Been given an ultimatum

84 replies

SilenceIsChocolate · 26/04/2010 13:36

I will try to make this as short as possible. It is and has been a complex couple of years living with my DP. We have been together for 6 years and have a DD (nearly 4).

We are at the stage where this morning I was given an ultimatum that if our relationship did not improve and I didn't make him feel loved by Friday, he would move out. Yesterday he suggested he lived under the roof, as my lodger and we had sex away from home with whoever if we wanted it but kept a platonic relationship going for dd's sake.

I really am so numb by his brooding and morose moodiness, that I do not know whether I am coming or going or whether I actually love him anymore.

I know I haven't been as attentive sexually as he wants me to be and to be honest I just do not feel like sex with him after all the pressure - however, I have always tried to accommodate his drive and it feels it is just for his own need for sensation rather than true emotional love and connection - or maybe I'm just not connecting anymore?

This began when dd was 6m - He accused me of having an affair (he was off with the lads for the weekend and I was at home and I had a photo taken by a passer by at an event) There is NO WAY that was the case, I gave him not reason to think that.

He is obsessed with fantasy and whenever I have been out (which hasn't been that often) he sends constant texts asking of I have met anyone I'd like to have sex with. He stonewalls after I have been out and it seems as though I get punished for it, yet he says he is happy for me to go out.

(He always maintained having a child would not effect his life and lifestyle and he has chosen his social life over his family time and time again)

Last year I found saucy messages on his phone and ones expressing love with someone he thought was 'perfect' for him - I asked him about it and he said he realised it was because he felt he wasn't getting the attention he needed.

It all just sees so immature and if I'm honest just utterly bored if it all. I'm aware that I am so punch drunk with this and generally tired out I'm not sure I can make a correct decision. I am also not working at the moment and need to go back to work but have been working on projects. I have provided a house for us and although he pays some of the bills and food, he is so detached about our home.

We were intimate with one another a week ago and he is is angry with me that it hasn't happened again within this time. But on three of those times he has been out late drinking and had been of little help with dd.

We spilt up 2 months ago and he left - He basically didn't see dd for that time and she was disturbed by his absence. He came home and it was getting better for a little while but it has since deteriorated.

I desperately wanted another child but I asked of we could both get fit and healthy beforehand as he likes to drink (I do not drink really at all). He said he wasn't prepared to and didn't see the point in doing that. I gave up the idea that we would have another child together. Especially as I have a couple of miscarriages last year as well.

It has got to the point where I I am imagining a life as a single parent and even though at times I have felt as thought I have been one for some time, in reality I haven't and I'm aware of this. His family are a nightmare (a while different drama) and I have struggled from the offset with them (they weren't in the picture as much before dd was born)

It is just so wearing and I somehow need to feel released from this chaos.

OP posts:

PrimroseCrabapple · 26/04/2010 13:37

dump him

Molesworth · 26/04/2010 13:39

SilenceisChocolate, you deserve better than this. I'd be showing him the door.

Sorry for the bluntness

LadyBiscuit · 26/04/2010 13:39

Blimey - why on earth would you want him to stay? He sounds like a controlling, jealous, immature twunt

Sorry if that isn't what you want to hear but there is a massive disconnect between the first two paragraphs and the rest of your post. Makes me really sad

GypsyMoth · 26/04/2010 13:39

let him leave on friday....then you can start living a new life!

justaboutkeepingawake · 26/04/2010 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

abedelia · 26/04/2010 13:44

To be loved you have to make yourself loveable and he is a useless bag of whatsit, what will affairs, demands, the control and the childishness. Call his bluff and see how he copes in the real world without you to look after him. Not well, I'd think

TotalChaos · 26/04/2010 13:45

I'ld be packing his bags for him right now, then change the locks. He sounds awful, I suspect he's projecting re:infidelity - i.e. accusing you of being up to no good because he is.

foureleven · 26/04/2010 13:47

eurghhhh what a waste of life. Kick him out and move on for godsake please dont allow your child to grow up in the presence of this twat.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 26/04/2010 13:48

Poor little love. .You had a baby and he isn't getting 100% of your attention and he can't handle it. He thinks by being mean will make you have sex.

Don't wait until Friday, have his bags packed for him for when he comes home today. Arsehole.

GeekOfTheWeek · 26/04/2010 13:52

Get rid.

He is a prick.

brogan2 · 26/04/2010 13:52

You are exhausted both physically and emotionally and who can blame you. But please believe me when I say you are being emotionally abused. Your partner sounds like he has issues surrounding sex which he needs to resolve himself. It is not your responsibility to do this for him.

It has nothing to do with making him feel loved. He is disrespecting both you and your DD and making you feel like it is somwhow your fault. It is not, but this trick is commonly used by men like your partner.

I think leaving him is your only option. Perhaps he will wake up, mature and realise what he's doing and you can work on your relationship long term. Perhaps he'll never grow up, in which case you're better off out of it whilst you still have the strength and whilst your DD is young enough not to be too affected. Good luck!

posieparker · 26/04/2010 13:53

If you can end it, do it. Don't have anymore ties with this twat.

rowingcah · 26/04/2010 14:17

It really sounds like he is trying to end the relationship but somehow make it your fault.
All this stuff about you having an affair while he was away for the weekend. Was that perhaps displaced guilt by something he got up to?
All the texts about "fantasies" also seem a bit dodgy like he is trying to push you away.
I had a boyfriend who did something similar. And the fact that he left you for 2 months and didn't see DD rings large alarm bells.
If you can, walk away (or even better pack his bags for him ). He'll just continue to erode your self-respect and self-esteem. You deserve a lot better.

Kathyjelly · 26/04/2010 14:17

On what you've described, he's a selfish controlling pillock. He is not interested in his daughter, didn't come to see her in two months, puts his social life first and has a distinctly odd view of your sex life.

Your daughter is young enough to adapt and I think you will be happier, more relaxed and able to get your life back on track once he's gone. No-one deserves to be treated like you have been.

Let him go on Friday. No more in-laws, no more bizarre accusations or demands for emotionless sex. I suspect when he hands back the keys and closes the door, you'll be overwhelmed with relief. Take a deep breath and go for it.

LisaD1 · 26/04/2010 14:23

Personally, I would be willing Friday to come so that the arsehole could leave! I would be more than happy to help the twat pack as well!

Seriously, WHY would you want him to stay?

expatinscotland · 26/04/2010 14:24

What a waste of space! Let him go. He's a loser. Imagine how less stressful your life will be without him in it? He doesn't help you with your child, anyhow. You're already used to do it all on your own. You don't need this fuckwittage.

expatinscotland · 26/04/2010 14:25

Oh, and bullshit to this:
'Yesterday he suggested he lived under the roof, as my lodger and we had sex away from home with whoever if we wanted it but kept a platonic relationship going for dd's sake.'

Come Friday, he leaves. End of.

AnyFucker · 26/04/2010 14:28

oh please, tell him to fuck off

there is nothing to salvage here, just your pride and self-respect

mrsboogie · 26/04/2010 14:30

He is using you and your house for his own convenience. he is clearly cheating on you and not once has the word love been mentioned. He doesn't even care about his child.

There is not one single tiny reason for you to have him under your roof for another day.

Get rid. Take some time to yourself and you will meet someone who deserves you in future. Although, before you do, you really need to think about why you had a child with a man as selfish and unsupportive as this.

jellyhands · 26/04/2010 14:30

How does he expect you to have 'sex away from home' when youre always left holding the baby?

He just said that to scare you and make you think 'oh no I couldnt bear for him to have sex with another woman'

Call his bluff!

Original poster

SilenceIsChocolate · 26/04/2010 14:34

I have kept stalling as I naively thought it would improve and I really needed to know what I was doing was right. I get a glimmer of hope and then it is dashed by a temper or some unrelated drama that he becomes obsessed about.

All your words are what my heart is crying out to happen. I did consider leaving his stuff outside this evening for him.

I'm afraid of failing. How do you begin to prepare a child for this? My parents divorce when I was 11 and it was hideous and I do not have a relationship with my father as a result but would never want that to happen to dd.

OP posts:

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 26/04/2010 14:36

Wow OP, you really are punch drunk aren't you, like you said, downthread. Your radar must be seriously off beam if you think there is anything to salvage from a relationship with this abusive tosser.

Tell him you've had a think - and actually you'd like him out now, since it's going to take more than 4 days to turn him into being someone worthy of you - in fact, you have belatedly realised that he can never meet your needs, sexual or otherwise.

ItsGraceAgain · 26/04/2010 14:42

From what you say, he's got mental health issues and shows no sign of wanting to get better in a hurry. You don't need this, you already have a child to take care of.

Here are lots of Google results for how to tell the children you're divorcing

Something tells me the air in your home will feel much fresher this weekend! Good luck.

expatinscotland · 26/04/2010 14:44

He doesn't sound like he has mental health issues.

He sounds like a selfish drunk who's not interested in stopping going out and getting pissed so that he can be a real parent.

Get rid.

You're not a failure. He is.

Kathyjelly · 26/04/2010 14:46

Silence, how can you fail?

You have the choice of bringing up your dd watching him treat you with selfish contempt and run the risk of her thinking that's normal and getting herself into the same situation in the future.

Or you can get rid of him and create a relaxed happy home.

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