Seems it is the end of the line - Been given an ultimatum

[SilenceIsChocolate]

I will try to make this as short as possible. It is and has been a complex couple of years living with my DP. We have been together for 6 years and have a DD (nearly 4).

We are at the stage where this morning I was given an ultimatum that if our relationship did not improve and I didn't make him feel loved by Friday, he would move out. Yesterday he suggested he lived under the roof, as my lodger and we had sex away from home with whoever if we wanted it but kept a platonic relationship going for dd's sake.

I really am so numb by his brooding and morose moodiness, that I do not know whether I am coming or going or whether I actually love him anymore.

I know I haven't been as attentive sexually as he wants me to be and to be honest I just do not feel like sex with him after all the pressure - however, I have always tried to accommodate his drive and it feels it is just for his own need for sensation rather than true emotional love and connection - or maybe I'm just not connecting anymore?

This began when dd was 6m - He accused me of having an affair (he was off with the lads for the weekend and I was at home and I had a photo taken by a passer by at an event) There is NO WAY that was the case, I gave him not reason to think that.

He is obsessed with fantasy and whenever I have been out (which hasn't been that often) he sends constant texts asking of I have met anyone I'd like to have sex with. He stonewalls after I have been out and it seems as though I get punished for it, yet he says he is happy for me to go out.

(He always maintained having a child would not effect his life and lifestyle and he has chosen his social life over his family time and time again)

Last year I found saucy messages on his phone and ones expressing love with someone he thought was 'perfect' for him - I asked him about it and he said he realised it was because he felt he wasn't getting the attention he needed.

It all just sees so immature and if I'm honest just utterly bored if it all. I'm aware that I am so punch drunk with this and generally tired out I'm not sure I can make a correct decision. I am also not working at the moment and need to go back to work but have been working on projects. I have provided a house for us and although he pays some of the bills and food, he is so detached about our home.

We were intimate with one another a week ago and he is is angry with me that it hasn't happened again within this time. But on three of those times he has been out late drinking and had been of little help with dd.

We spilt up 2 months ago and he left - He basically didn't see dd for that time and she was disturbed by his absence. He came home and it was getting better for a little while but it has since deteriorated.

I desperately wanted another child but I asked of we could both get fit and healthy beforehand as he likes to drink (I do not drink really at all). He said he wasn't prepared to and didn't see the point in doing that. I gave up the idea that we would have another child together. Especially as I have a couple of miscarriages last year as well.

It has got to the point where I I am imagining a life as a single parent and even though at times I have felt as thought I have been one for some time, in reality I haven't and I'm aware of this. His family are a nightmare (a while different drama) and I have struggled from the offset with them (they weren't in the picture as much before dd was born)

It is just so wearing and I somehow need to feel released from this chaos.

He sounds like he has gaslighting, selfish, adulterous issues to me

Certainly not a decent partner, nor a good role model to his child

Damage limitation is how you should be proceeding now, OP

Starting with getting him out of your life as a romantic partner

I'm totally conditioned! I will get things straight tonight. DD has nursery tomorrow so he can move his things out then. I felt a sense of relief when he left last time. Yet I back tracked - He has told me that he thinks he would be a better Dad if we were not together....(?)

conditioned to what ? abuse ?

because that is what it is

I too would send him his bags with a note saying - there's your answer.

He sounds like an awful, awful, spoilt-child of a man and you and your DD will be much better without him, just what is his idea of a "better" father anyway?

Yup, throw him out. WHile it is possible to live as contented co-parents, getting your sexual needs met elsewhere, for it to work there has to be affection and respect on both sides, for each other as friends and co-parents. It won't work with a selfish arsehole who is trying to blackmail you into letting him have sex on your body whenever he feels like it as well as servicing him domestically for no reward.
As your DD gets older, you can keep repeating to her the fact that some people are not very good at being mums and dads, that they have problems we can't help with, that daddy cares about her in his own way even if he isn't very good at showing it but what daddy does is NOT DD'S FAULT.

By making him feel loved i presume he means unlimited access to your body to get himself off whenever he feels like it. Get shot, and quickly, you and your dd will be better off without this cock lodging arse.

Sounds like he emotionally blackmails you into having sex with him whether you feel like it or not which is abuse. Normal healthy men dont do this , perhaps have a look at the womans aid website, no doubt he exhibits lots of other unpleasant behaviours.

Please don't feel like you're failing by throwing him out. You are more likely to fail your DD by allowing her to grow up in a household where her father emotionally abuses her mother and uses her (mother) sexually. What does that teach your DD about healthy relationships (both emotional and sexual), about self-respect, about stability?

Just tell her that sometimes mummies and daddies don't live together. She's at the age where stability matters more to her than anything.

You say you felt relief when he left last time. Hold on to that.

he thinks he will be a better dad if you live separately, you ? that but it could be true, it might not but surely you should give that a go?

I expect, if you do nothing, that Friday will come and he will deign to give you another chance.

Oh please to pack this fuckers clothes and have them on the doorstep for when he comes home or have them sent to his work.

You owe to yourself and your baby to live your life happily, not like this.

Good luck.

You OK, SIC?

Aw SiC, I read your OP and was left aghast the he had the front to give you an ultimatum.

He does sound like a complete horror. You and your DD deserve so much better. I hope you are ok.

Thank you for all your words - all of them. I haven't really seem him - he was here last night and I made him get up this morning (usually he is still in bed) As dd had nursery in the morning and one of my gripes is he doesnt get up and doing like any normal hard working human being.

He was ok but lots of long stares etc. He spoke to me on Facebook chat today and again was all about him his needs the need to feel love= sex for him. Wanting us to work - his idea of this is ME being more affectionate towards him....it is just exasperating.

He says he loves me and he just wants me to love him back in the way he wants. But his demands are unrealistic now and there is so much pressure applied it feels seedy and perverted rather than loving and respectful.

Definitely see he is bullying me and using emotional blackmail to get what he wants.

He didn't even see it as a problem he had given me an ultimatum...he really is quite something.

When we talk over splitting he constantly brings up the topic of new partners or finding people more suitable for one another (he insists that he doesn't have anyone) it is all hinged on sex....The welfare of our dd isn't important seemingly.

I have felt as though I was being unreasonable, but clearly from your responses this really isn't how a family man behaves.

so what are you going to do on Friday, SIC, if he follows through with his "threats" ?

Does he even work? He doesn't get up out of bed, he gets pissed all the time. Hmm, the word 'loser' springs to mind.

'He says he loves me and he just wants me to love him back in the way he wants..'

No, he doesn't. He doesn't even know what love is. Because love is respect and he's got none for either you or the child you have together.

Bin him.

Your life will become immeasurably less stressful immediately

'but clearly from your responses this really isn't how a family man behaves.'

This isn't how a decent adult human being behaves at all.

Mistake 1 - taking him back after 2 months when he hadn't even bothered with his dc

Mistake 2 - considering another dc with this poor excuse for a man

Mistake 3 - telling him he can feck right off before Friday!

Please kick this useless article out and focus on your own self esteem and the happiness of your dc.

Sounds a bit like my ex actually - so, clearly, yeuch.

However, once the dust settled I think he was a better father when we separated - he sort of compartmentalised his life and could be quite an involved Dad for short periods, and the rest of his time was his own.

Good luck for Friday!

Whoops! "Not telling him he can feck right off before Friday"!

SilenceisChocolate, sorry if this sounds harsh but stop talking to him and mentioning splitting up and just dump the loser already.

Don't let him waste any mor of your valuable time.

Oh dear. Does this man have any good points at all?

It sounds like is taking valuable space on the plan with neither function nor purpose.

I don't think you have any need to make him feel loved, Silence, as he clearly has plenty love available for himself.

SO he doesn't work and doesn't contribute financially, yet pesters for more sex? WTF is the point of having him in the house OP? Were you another one who was taught that any kind of useless unpleasant man around the house is better than being single? Because that's BULLSHIT. Throw this ghastly cocklodger out straight away.

(Can anyone remember or source the threads from around Xmas when there was someone with a really vile partner who was constantly demanding sex to the extent of not allowing the DC to open their Xmas presents until the MNer in question allowed him sex?)

sgb...was that the ghastly (lovin' that word...) bloke who insisted on having his hair stroked or somesuch twattery ?

loving the word twattery!!!

You though you were being unreasonable? Good grief woman, as SGB says, where on earth did you learn that this sort of fuckwittery was normal? Tell him to sling his hook.

And I know it's going to show my age, but this is the second thread I've read today where cohabiting parents are conducting their relationship on Facebook. It is madness.