Seems it is the end of the line - Been given an ultimatum

[SilenceIsChocolate]

I will try to make this as short as possible. It is and has been a complex couple of years living with my DP. We have been together for 6 years and have a DD (nearly 4).

We are at the stage where this morning I was given an ultimatum that if our relationship did not improve and I didn't make him feel loved by Friday, he would move out. Yesterday he suggested he lived under the roof, as my lodger and we had sex away from home with whoever if we wanted it but kept a platonic relationship going for dd's sake.

I really am so numb by his brooding and morose moodiness, that I do not know whether I am coming or going or whether I actually love him anymore.

I know I haven't been as attentive sexually as he wants me to be and to be honest I just do not feel like sex with him after all the pressure - however, I have always tried to accommodate his drive and it feels it is just for his own need for sensation rather than true emotional love and connection - or maybe I'm just not connecting anymore?

This began when dd was 6m - He accused me of having an affair (he was off with the lads for the weekend and I was at home and I had a photo taken by a passer by at an event) There is NO WAY that was the case, I gave him not reason to think that.

He is obsessed with fantasy and whenever I have been out (which hasn't been that often) he sends constant texts asking of I have met anyone I'd like to have sex with. He stonewalls after I have been out and it seems as though I get punished for it, yet he says he is happy for me to go out.

(He always maintained having a child would not effect his life and lifestyle and he has chosen his social life over his family time and time again)

Last year I found saucy messages on his phone and ones expressing love with someone he thought was 'perfect' for him - I asked him about it and he said he realised it was because he felt he wasn't getting the attention he needed.

It all just sees so immature and if I'm honest just utterly bored if it all. I'm aware that I am so punch drunk with this and generally tired out I'm not sure I can make a correct decision. I am also not working at the moment and need to go back to work but have been working on projects. I have provided a house for us and although he pays some of the bills and food, he is so detached about our home.

We were intimate with one another a week ago and he is is angry with me that it hasn't happened again within this time. But on three of those times he has been out late drinking and had been of little help with dd.

We spilt up 2 months ago and he left - He basically didn't see dd for that time and she was disturbed by his absence. He came home and it was getting better for a little while but it has since deteriorated.

I desperately wanted another child but I asked of we could both get fit and healthy beforehand as he likes to drink (I do not drink really at all). He said he wasn't prepared to and didn't see the point in doing that. I gave up the idea that we would have another child together. Especially as I have a couple of miscarriages last year as well.

It has got to the point where I I am imagining a life as a single parent and even though at times I have felt as thought I have been one for some time, in reality I haven't and I'm aware of this. His family are a nightmare (a while different drama) and I have struggled from the offset with them (they weren't in the picture as much before dd was born)

It is just so wearing and I somehow need to feel released from this chaos.

and fuckwittery!

seriously, you need to communicate with your husband.
"wasn't getting the attention he needed"? not making him feel loved.
It's a partnership FGS, if it's not working, you talk about it and figure out how to make it work. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
this is ringing a lot of bells with me

why wait 'til then ?

Why put off tomorrow what you can do today? Take control - tell him you're fed up of him and to get out no

Bloody hell SIC is your DP related to my EXDP.

I was scared reading your thread, it is exactly what my relationship was like. I even use the phrase 'punch drunk' because my head is spinning with it all.

I have finally got rid although he is still playing stupid games and wants it all his own way.

I feel free. Days are hard and I feel let down and disappointed. One of the hardest things was that I wanted another child EXDP said he didnt but then he wouldnt have sex with me. I am still coming to terms with that and just holding on to the hope that I will meet someone else who values me and DD.

My advice would be to get rid. Easier said than done, I know that more than anyone. But how it is now isnt how a realtionship should be, you lose sight of that when your in the middle of it trying to make sense of it all.

Teaandcakes sent me this on my thread which helped me A LOT....

"The message we send to our daughters when we sell ourselves short by accepting far far less than we should can have a profound impact in how they see themselves as women and their expectations from relationships.

You do your children no favours by perpetuating a situation in which their father figure is unrealiable and dishonest....

At the least, they will understand that their mother values herself too highly to be treated poorly, and this is a far greater example to set for them."

Ditch him. Kick him out now. That way he will be at least slightly inconvenienced before he moves into wherever he has lined up for Friday.

He sounds like an emotional bully to me.

Believe me, being on your own is not nearly as bad as living with a twunt (god I love the lingo on here). I was petrified by the prospect of being a single parent but you know what, it's actually pretty brilliant in comparison to the draining bleak minefield that dealing with such a complete twunt is. And I mean it is so completely and utterly energy sapping. I felt like I had been on some sort of hellish never ending treadmill of despair living day after day with a self absorbed moron who only looked after his own needs to the detriment of his family. Seriously living with it day in day out takes its toll.

When I got off the treadmill of misery, and all the sadness had left, I was a completely different person. I realised that love had long since left the building. In fact I think what I was crying for was the idea of what I should have had rather than the person himself. I'm now a year on from the situation I was in and I reflect back and thank god it ended because I would have remainded miserable and putting up with all sorts of dispicable behaviours. What you're left with is an opportunity to make things a whole lot better for yourself and your little one. We women are pretty strong creatures. You can do it if you want! Good luck and I wish you well

LoL - to the above....He does work and runs his won business...He inherited it and although I give him credit for turning it around from a failing one, it also hasn't helped him 'grow up'.

He has gone upstairs, he hovered around and put his head in my lap like a child (he too likes being stroked and molly coddled - I'm not very good at that!)

Part of the reason I have been so turned off by him is that he behaves like a spoilt 17 yr old boy which isn't attractive.

All of his relationships before have not lasted more than a year....hmmm wonder why. He HONESTLY thinks he is a good catch.

I have made my mind up tho and all you ladies have given me strength.

I have lost my sense of self worth being with him and his neediness is very draining. It isn't love it is a jealous and possessive nature that really is so very unhealthy. I've forgotten what 'normal' is. :-)

but what are you going to do ???

put his head in my lap like a child...
vomit-I hope you spit in his ear. TMSB in rare mood...

No, really, my thought for you Silence is like a metaphor: (and this came to my mind because of the rather extreme level of development of these appalling circumstances)

Are you a spectator, sitting up in the nose bleed section, watching your life happen to you? You really need to get down on the field and go to bat for yourself (and for your dd as well).

Your terms-I agree-don't wait until Friday. And the m.o. of sending his things (in garbage bags) to the office via taxi is brilliant, but I probably wouldn't get them farther than the curb.

Be positive about this positive change and don't give the separation anxiety two seconds in your heart or brain, now or two months from now, or ever.

Silence, my parents split up when I was 4, and as soon as I understood that I was to go with mummy (we moved out, my Dad kept the house) and not be left behind, I was perfectly chill about it. I don't even remember the split, probably because I was so young I didn't understand the implications.

And my brother and I grew up happily ever after, basically. My Dad was the classic noncustodial parent - a twat about child maintenance payments, wanting to cancel access days when not convenient for him, we stayed at his once every three weekends because every second weekend was too often for him. But my mother and I are very close, I remember my childhood as pretty idyllic even though we were poor and she was stressed because there was so much love in it, and I've rebuilt a relationship with my Dad as an adult.

So don't worry about your daughter if you split. Worry about her if you stay with an alcoholic, controlling, jealous, lazy pervert.

How are you doing, OP?

My ex dh gave me a ultimatum last year. I lost the weight, had more sex with him and became delightful. He just got nastier and nastier so that I had to avoid him. He is also a big drinker and had a v responsible job.

Then, once he'd got a girlfriend lined up, he left me for her. When he first left me I didn't know about the girl and it was quite easy to cope with. Once he admitted to the girl, it devastated me and I've been off work with stress since then (3 weeks now). We are getting divorced.

I wish I'd got rid of him when he gave me the ultimatum really. I changed, but he didn't and his feelings towards me didn't. He's now all loved up, whilst I'm pretty shattered. The same will happen to you I'm sure, if he doen't go soon.

Good luck, SK

I see you say he acts like a 17 year old.Know the feeling, I have an 18 yr old son, he helps me round the house, moving furniture, getting things for me from the attic, making me cups of coffee and being generally nice.

My ex dh was more like a rebellious teenager, would totally refuse to help me move heavy things, would play LOUD music and get drunk.

I was moving all the furniture out of our old conservatory on Sunda, by myeslf, son wasn't around and I thought, how sad really, that even if ex dh had been with me still, he'd probably be sitting there watching me struggle and not lifting a finger to help!

SF

Yes by teenager, I meant rebellious one.... He woke me up this am ( I slept in dd's room) with 'where were u last night then' - er I went to bed 10 mins after him. I made a drink and washed up....he is punishing me for not giving him affection. Such hard work. He knows I have a mornng free and he is spoiling for a fight.... I should just be getting on and working.

Tell him to fuck off. Jeez, I've lost patience with him, and I've only read your thread!

yes, SIC

another little anecdote about his childish behaviour, but what are you going to do ?

< sounds like a stuck record >

Even if I made a huge change and was the sex bunny he expects me to be ( joke)I think he would be worse inthe end too and behave more irrationally. I have been letting things ride as I have been not wanting to change or make decision through fear, finance worries and simply not knowing if it is the right thing to do....

So, to quote AnyFucker, what are you going to do?

You said you that your parents divorce lead to you not having a relationship with your father. Do you really believe this? My parents divorced, I have no relationship with my father BUT I am much happier that my mum left him, retrained, got a career, is happy now. It's my dad's fault he doesn't have a relationship with me. Also, if things go bad between me and my DH (which I hope they never do) I can see that you can separate and have a very happy life.

It sounds as if your husbands problems are deep. Simply changing your behaviour won't make him happy. It's not about you is it, its about him?

Also, I think you know separating is the right thing to do. Maybe its a now a question of HOW you do it? Rather than mulling it over, plan how you could leave/get him to leave. Get some facts on how you could support yourself and what you are entitled too. Maybe the black and whites of the finance might help you more. What if you could afford to live by yourself, without him?

agree with tortoise - my mum left my dv/abusive dad when i was 7. i also grew up happily ever after with my lovely, strong mum. eventually after i'd experienced enough of my dad for myself I chose to limit contact.

anyway i know now that my mum did what was best for both of us but actually, i think i knew at the time too.

op, this man has been bery busy trying to erode your confidence with a hope that you will become completely miserable and therefore subservient whilst he behaves exactly as he likes. even if you do become whatever it is he wants, he won't like that either because that would empower you as i imagine it did with SpiritualKnot. they don't really want that, they want to keep you feeling not good enough.

it sounds like you are in a good position with the house etc. be strong, tell him its over.

lastly if you don't find him attractive anymore its not going to change is it - i'm sure you deserve more x