Seems it is the end of the line - Been given an ultimatum

[SilenceIsChocolate]

I will try to make this as short as possible. It is and has been a complex couple of years living with my DP. We have been together for 6 years and have a DD (nearly 4).

We are at the stage where this morning I was given an ultimatum that if our relationship did not improve and I didn't make him feel loved by Friday, he would move out. Yesterday he suggested he lived under the roof, as my lodger and we had sex away from home with whoever if we wanted it but kept a platonic relationship going for dd's sake.

I really am so numb by his brooding and morose moodiness, that I do not know whether I am coming or going or whether I actually love him anymore.

I know I haven't been as attentive sexually as he wants me to be and to be honest I just do not feel like sex with him after all the pressure - however, I have always tried to accommodate his drive and it feels it is just for his own need for sensation rather than true emotional love and connection - or maybe I'm just not connecting anymore?

This began when dd was 6m - He accused me of having an affair (he was off with the lads for the weekend and I was at home and I had a photo taken by a passer by at an event) There is NO WAY that was the case, I gave him not reason to think that.

He is obsessed with fantasy and whenever I have been out (which hasn't been that often) he sends constant texts asking of I have met anyone I'd like to have sex with. He stonewalls after I have been out and it seems as though I get punished for it, yet he says he is happy for me to go out.

(He always maintained having a child would not effect his life and lifestyle and he has chosen his social life over his family time and time again)

Last year I found saucy messages on his phone and ones expressing love with someone he thought was 'perfect' for him - I asked him about it and he said he realised it was because he felt he wasn't getting the attention he needed.

It all just sees so immature and if I'm honest just utterly bored if it all. I'm aware that I am so punch drunk with this and generally tired out I'm not sure I can make a correct decision. I am also not working at the moment and need to go back to work but have been working on projects. I have provided a house for us and although he pays some of the bills and food, he is so detached about our home.

We were intimate with one another a week ago and he is is angry with me that it hasn't happened again within this time. But on three of those times he has been out late drinking and had been of little help with dd.

We spilt up 2 months ago and he left - He basically didn't see dd for that time and she was disturbed by his absence. He came home and it was getting better for a little while but it has since deteriorated.

I desperately wanted another child but I asked of we could both get fit and healthy beforehand as he likes to drink (I do not drink really at all). He said he wasn't prepared to and didn't see the point in doing that. I gave up the idea that we would have another child together. Especially as I have a couple of miscarriages last year as well.

It has got to the point where I I am imagining a life as a single parent and even though at times I have felt as thought I have been one for some time, in reality I haven't and I'm aware of this. His family are a nightmare (a while different drama) and I have struggled from the offset with them (they weren't in the picture as much before dd was born)

It is just so wearing and I somehow need to feel released from this chaos.

DayToday - My parents divorced for the right reasons yes and I realise that my relationship with my Dad deteriorated as he was a very angry man. I have a good relationship with my mother & step dad. Also have definitely been stalling as I'm wondering I am strong enough to stand up to his overbearing family and him.

We have talked today (he is very good at being convincing) but I really think I have gone so need make plans to get independent from this.

Update - I'm ok - On thursday we spoke - and basically that is it as far as I'm concerned anyway - it is over. It hasn't really sunk in yet. But I feel relieved. I feel as thought I have an abyss of unknown in front of me but trying really hard to focus and keep it together - I guess change whether good or bad takes time to adjust to.

That abyss is a valley of happiness and relief. Stay positive for you and your dd; for now no one else matters.

Yes, things will be different, adjustments to be made. One thing at a time, one day at a time, one hour at a time if necessary...
(I have sometimes depended on a wrist watch with a second hand...).

Why are you so concerned about his family? They are leaning on you so they won't have to deal with him. You have permission to get off that train today.

I am happy for you: you have attained a quality of clarity and validation regarding the relationship.

Please seek help with your self-esteem, SilenceIsChocolate. From the posts, it seems that is a weak link for you (as it would be for what emotional abuse does to people). You are capable. You have courage and strength. You will be fine (and dd, too). Take care.

Did you get through the weekend ok SilenceIsChocolate?

I'm sorry if my posts seem preachy. I know it isn't a black & white world and things are very difficult to accept and change.

I think attitudes towards emotional abuse have to be black and white, though. Zero tolerance. We have to recognize it and protect ourselves and our children. Of course the abuser wants to be dismissive about it.

A phrase (in response to whatever the crap du jour is) that might have some effect for dealing with making the ex understand it is final might be: "Tell it to the next one".

Good luck. Live in the present; look forward to the future-try not to dread it.

Toomanystuffedbears - you have just given me the a shoulder of strength and you made me cry in a good way - I feel now I can take control of my emotions and I shall get some help for my self esteem - the reason i got together with him in the first place - seriously LOW self esteem. it was only when dd was born that I had a big kick up the arse and realised that I had to get a grip for her sake as well as mine. I am a successful talented person but I do lack confidence - and this is something I really need to work on. Having destructive personalities around me only has pandered to my lack of self esteem....(I met dd's dad after I had been in a 6 year relationship, married for 2 of those years as well) ex dp was a huge rebound and although we have a gift in our dd, I ignored the warning signs early on through a misplaced need.....I know that if dd was not in the equation - we would have split a long time ago....

He is in the process of moving out! - dragging it out a bit but we are doing it whilst dd is at nursery. He is being more charming and helpful - but I know that he is playing games. I have some amazing friends who have been about.