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Original poster

Are you in love with someone who you can't have?

88 replies

NeatSoda · 23/04/2010 21:13

Just wondering really.

I'm not, but last week someone told me my ExP hasn't slept a full night since we broke up six years ago and describes himself as still in love with me. He would know that we're not going to get back together, I'm married, and anyway, it was him who dumped me (horribly), so he knew telling my friend wasn't in any way intended to change the situation, he just believes himself to be in love with me forever. (He probably won't be, I know, I'm not that special!)

I can't feel triumphant about 'winning the break-up'. It's just sad really. The whole thing got me thinking about that feeling of deep yearning that I remember from an unrequited university love. It's such a waste of feelings - but also a bit beautiful?

OP posts:
unavailable · 23/04/2010 21:24

Not beautiful - probably drunk and definitely lying.

PrettyFeckinVacant · 23/04/2010 21:24

Only with Daniel Craig

Original poster
NeatSoda · 23/04/2010 21:33

Oh, no, unanswered, you misunderstand me. I didn't mean my ex's feelings were especially beautiful. (I think he was just feeling low when he spoke to my friend.) What I meant was, are feelings like this always a waste? Or is there some value in unrequited or unfulfillable love?

(I shouldn't have mentioned myself so much in the first post, hadn't intended this to be about me!)

OP posts:
halfaworldaway · 23/04/2010 21:47

yes I am in love with someone I haven't seen in 20 years. He lives on the other side of the world and is married with children. I am also married with kids but we recently got in touch and all of the feelings were still there.

I love him with my entire being and always have.

Just have to live with it I guess.

Original poster
NeatSoda · 23/04/2010 21:53

halfaworldaway - I have wondered what it would be like if my uni love ever got in touch and said, 'hey how about it?'

I'd never, ever want to leave DH and DCs but hose feelings were so strong, and I can feel them if I think about him. Luckily, I don't think of him often but I heard about six months a go that he'd got engaged and I felt physically sick. We haven't spoken in almost 11 years!

OP posts:
Original poster
NeatSoda · 23/04/2010 21:54

HAWA - Do you love your DH too?

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 23/04/2010 21:58

Don't you (possibly) think that it's easy to "be in love" when you don't have to be with and live with the object of your affections? Nothing like really knowing someone to knock the shine off!

Sessypoos · 23/04/2010 22:03

I love nick clegg. Its his principles and life story an everything. Also love his wife and their relationship.

But I dont think its a waste, as now I know what kind of person and relationship Im looking for. I met someone a bit similar a while ago but was too young and was off to the other side of the world (me), so emm.. just keeping my fingers crossed now! sigh..

Original poster
NeatSoda · 23/04/2010 22:04

I agree, Belle. A relationship gets frustrated or whatever, and goes into suspended animation and becomes a 'forever love' when if the relationship had been played out with more freedom/time it would be another 'past love'.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeatSoda · 23/04/2010 22:05

Now I think about it, I have been pretty constant in my affection for John Cusack. Tragically unfulfilled.

OP posts:
Sessypoos · 23/04/2010 22:13

BelleDame, yep, totally. You can have your dreams about how perfect it will be, and never have to find out about his annoying habits (picks his nose? smelly socks? wont come to the pottery day with you? boring in bed?)

Portofino · 23/04/2010 22:15

I had one of those "love at first sight" things 20 odd years ago. Sadly not reciprocated beyond one very hot date. I STILL think about him even now. I have moved on obviously, but still, totally irrationally, have fantasies of bumping into him again....

Portofino · 23/04/2010 22:15

I am very happily married btw

halfaworldaway · 23/04/2010 22:16

oh i'm well aware that maybe if I my former love and i had got it together things wouldn't have worked out. But we didn't separate because we wanted to. Long story but the last time I saw him we sobbed in each others arms.

Yes, I do love my dh. very very much. I wouldn't change the journey I've made at all.

But my old love has a big part of my heart.

It is possible to love more than one person. Just in different ways.

But it is torture sometimes.

Original poster
NeatSoda · 23/04/2010 22:21

I used to think that part of true, romantic love was that it was all directed exclusively at one special person, but I'm beginning to think that maybe that's just a neat idea. Perhaps the reality is that romantic, sexual love could be directed at more than one person, a bit like loving DCs.

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 23/04/2010 22:23

I also think that our old loves are part of making us what we are. There are people I remember with enormous fondness and some kind of love (others not so much ). I can't imagine that I'd be who I am now if I'd not known them.

I have a "constant" on the edge of my life. He has had a bit of a thing about me since our first day at Primary School. We had a couple of dates and a very steamy encounter when we were both 30 (we're 44 now) but it didn't go anywhere. It never will. It's nice, though, that he's there and is always kind and supportive. I don't think he's pining away without me if his lovelife is anything to go by though...!

Cuckoosnest · 23/04/2010 22:31

Yes, and have been for 16 years.

My biggest secret.

LemonDifficult · 23/04/2010 22:33

Cuckoosnest - Is it a secret from him?

Cuckoosnest · 23/04/2010 22:38

No, he knows now, he didn't back then.

All the old cliches apply. It feels like a physical ache sometimes.

BelleDameSansMerci · 23/04/2010 22:39

Cuckoosnest

Cuckoosnest · 23/04/2010 22:42

I really don't deserve sympathy; I'm married and should know better.

But he has never and will never 'go away'. He was my best friend's boyfriend when we first met.

LemonDifficult · 23/04/2010 22:45

CN- Have you reconciled your self to always having those feelings? Or would it be worth trying to rid yourself of them?

I've got a romantic fantasy (love is probably a bit strong) involving a guy I used to know who I'd have liked to have gone out with, and I find myself tending the fantasy, playing it out in my head and kind of indulging myself with it. Sort of like a daydream, not painful just quite nice.

expatinscotland · 23/04/2010 22:47

Yeah. Johnny Depp.

MarshaBrady · 23/04/2010 22:47

I don't still love this person but I have silly recurring dreams about my first serious bf. Where I say in the dream no this time we have really just bumped into eachother. I wake up feeling a bit sad.

He is on the internet with email but I can't even send an email saying hello (we were good friends and lost touch since we moved cities frequently) because I would feel like a wally.

Cuckoosnest · 23/04/2010 22:55

Lemon that sounds nice and perfectly harmless.

My situation is not. This sounds ridiculous, but I always had a thought/fantasy in the back of my mind that one day we would be together etc when the time was right. That's how I dealt with it.

Now - I don't think I know how to rid myself. It sounds so pathetic written down...

I