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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Are you in love with someone who you can't have?

88 replies

NeatSoda · 23/04/2010 21:13

Just wondering really.

I'm not, but last week someone told me my ExP hasn't slept a full night since we broke up six years ago and describes himself as still in love with me. He would know that we're not going to get back together, I'm married, and anyway, it was him who dumped me (horribly), so he knew telling my friend wasn't in any way intended to change the situation, he just believes himself to be in love with me forever. (He probably won't be, I know, I'm not that special!)

I can't feel triumphant about 'winning the break-up'. It's just sad really. The whole thing got me thinking about that feeling of deep yearning that I remember from an unrequited university love. It's such a waste of feelings - but also a bit beautiful?

OP posts:
LemonDifficult · 25/04/2010 09:29

Oh, Runnerbean, that is so tough. I would melt if anyone told me they'd been looking for me like that, but if it was the same person I'd been looking for too... Agony.

But could any real-life long-term relationship live up to the passion you've invested for 25 years?

MarshaBrady · 25/04/2010 09:47

Runnerbean surely your relationship with your dh will break down naturally anyway?

Take it slowly by all means, but is your dh questioning things?

Cuckoosnest · 25/04/2010 09:54

Runnerbean - sad situation. There's so much recognition there.

Runnerbean · 25/04/2010 12:00

Lemondifficult,

We've both asked each other the same question, again and again. We both know it's madness and the reality of actually living with someone warts and all, is not all passion, and romance.
We know that if we both get divorced it will be messy. horrible, absolutely horrible, I've already been through one divorce, so I'm under no illusions here.
Money will be an issue, his ex. my ex. his kids, my kids....
We are not the first people to do this though, he said to me this morning, 'the only was to get past it is to go through it.'

He is in the process of finding a flat with a friend who is also leaving his wife, he has also told a lot of his friends his marriage is over.
He told me his marriage has been over for years and he only stayed for the kids, he even said on his wedding day he wished it was me he was marrying not her.
Of course I take it all with a pinch of salt, maybe he's telling me what he thinks I want to hear.

I married my dh for all the wrong reasons, I love him, but like a brother or a best friend, passion was never there, I've never 'fancied' him. I thought it wasn't important i thought companionship was. Unfortunately, my dh and I are constantly rowing about the lack of intimacy in our relationship. He wants it and I can't give it. I've been with him 9 years, but my hearts never been there.

MarshaBrady, yes you're right the relationship with my dh has been breaking down naturally, my first love has come back into my life at the right time, this time, although in my heart he never went away.

blueshoes · 25/04/2010 14:01

Those of you who believe in one true love, and thwarted passion, must read The Bridges of Madison Country

LemonDifficult · 25/04/2010 14:14

Ahh, blueshoes, I had been thinking about BoMC as I was rereading this thread. It makes a good story because the passion was thwarted. It all stays so pure.

Runnerbean - your story makes me happy (you found each other) and sad (missed opportunities). Maybe the most powerful thing about this relationship is the story of it. Perhaps it isn't really very real IYSWIM. Most of what you both feel has been built up while you weren't with each other, weren't in contact even. You were able to heap perfection and 'what ifs' on to him. Might it not be better to let the heat/drama o out of the affair before you do anything? Given that all issues of betraying DH etc are already crossed, could you just let it play itself along - enjoy time with your love but without making long term plans? (Don't get caught! But that's a whole other thread!)

Cuckoosnest · 25/04/2010 14:30

It's really interesting the whole bit about 'thwarted passion' and remaining pure.

He and I were talking recently about how we never had sex all the time etc when we easily could have done; and he said that he was glad we dodn't, cos it would just been 'meh' instead of how it should be/would be now.

SpiritualKnot · 25/04/2010 14:36

Runnerbean, I know what you mean about appearances. My first boyfriend was lovely. I went abroad for a while and we decided to break up beforehand (we were only 16), came back and he had another girlfriend. I started going out with his best friend. My previous boyfriend split from his girlfriend but we didn't get back together. I dated the new boyfriend for 5 years and always wanted to be back with my first one.

Saw him again about 10 years later. He was about 20 stone, teeth missing and married by then,with kids, yet I still adored him. He said to me "why are you always nice to me when you see me, I know you can't stand me?". Turned out his best friend (the one I'd dated for 5 years) had told him this whilst we were dating, obviously to ensure we didn't get back together!!!

I was aghast and so was he! He went back to his life and I went back to mine. Haven't seen him since, but still think about him now and again!!

SK

Runnerbean · 25/04/2010 15:45

LD,

At first I thought, 'I just have to get him out of my system', I thought, 'yes lets just have lots of sex, let it run its course and let it burn out in its own time'. It was unfinished business, that never developed into an adult relationship because we were only 15/14 at the time.
He quite possibly wasn't far off 20 stone, is quite short, but does have lovely, teeth, eyes and hair! I don't find his size an issue at all, although he has lost a stone in the last 3 months with the stress of it all.

I hated the deceit though, the lying, the sneaking out, meeting in carparks like a pair of teenagers, it was silly it was dangerous and I didn't want to get caught.

I realised we both had to step back and sort out our own marriages that had broken down, one of us had to be the grown up, so i told him i didn't want to see him, until he or I were available.

I did at one stage offer just sex, but he said he was in too deep and wanted more.

We've spent weeks just talking and meeting, just to talk, I've had to get to know the 40 year old man and it's him that I've fallen in love with, because now he's completely different and so am I.

Life's too short, too precious, these feelings so rare I know i want to spend the rest of my life with him, there's not a tiny bit of doubt in my mind.

sadstory · 25/04/2010 17:35

For what it's worth, the man I love is no dreamboat.

He's bald, overweight and fifteen years older than me.

None of that matters one jot. He's absolutely perfect to me. Perfect. The sexiest man I've ever met. He only has to look at me in that certain way...

It's nothing to do with fantasies. It's chemistry, and it's a force to be reckoned with.

If you can make it happen, I say go for it. I've had to let my love go, because I can't justify making four people miserable for the sake of my happiness.

But if you can make it work, do it. Life is short.

Bucharest · 25/04/2010 17:53

Runnerbean, your story is sad, and happy, and very beautiful, all at the same time.

I wish you all the best for the future. x

sincitylover · 25/04/2010 19:28

Runnerbean - your story gives me a small spark of hope for my own situation and also much food for thought. [happy] al mixed together

Good luck.

LemonDifficult · 25/04/2010 21:54

Runnerbean, it sounds like your path is set. So much good luck to you. Let us know how you get on.

Maybe we should do a 'Are you settled happily with your once-forbidden love' thread? (And write an alternate reality Bridges of Madison County off the back of it. )

I look around at all the people, well, women really, that I know in real-life and I don't think any of them would admit to yearning for someone who wasn't their DH or DP, but I guess one or two of them may do. We all have our stories.

Niftyblue · 26/04/2010 08:43

There is nothing worse than being somewhere only in body

Mind,heart and soul elsewhere

Torture

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 26/04/2010 09:48

Oh Nifty, I think there are things far worse than this...

I would have thought the betrayed spouses in all these affairs are having a far worse time of it, actually. I imagine that Runnerbean's OM's wife is at work or at home right now wondering why her H is so stressed and unhappy at the moment. Why he's losing weight, why he's been so distant and irritable at home, why he's so snappy with the children.....why he doesn't want sex with her, or why he seems different in bed somehow. Why he's secretive with his phone and has started password protecting everything...

It would probably be news to her that on their wedding day, he was thinking of the 14 year old girl he'd lost and loved - and regretting what he was doing that day - but then again it was probably new to him until recently, when he started mirroring the tragic lost love fantasy that was started by his OW.

Sighing about how tragically beautiful this all is and how reminiscent of Bridges of Madison County these stories are, conveniently neglects the real people who are this very morning suffering pain, bewilderment and hurt and yet they cannot put their finger on why their lives have changed so much in recent months.

They don't know it, but they are being deceived left, right and centre and what is worse, their partners are re-writing history - telling a story about their marriage that defies credibility, but is being used as a justification for utter selfishness and betrayal.

Runnerbean · 26/04/2010 10:47

Which is why I am ending my marriage, because the betrayal in my heart is worse than any steamy affair.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 26/04/2010 11:09

And are you both going to be honest with your spouses, children and others about the infidelity, or pretend that you met after you left your marriages?

SpiritualKnot · 26/04/2010 11:18

Have to agree with WWIFN. All sounds very romantic but very little thought is being given to the partners who will be absolutely devastated.

SK

AnyFucker · 26/04/2010 11:34

absolutely agree with wwifn

you ladies need to quit the romantic woe-is-me self-pity and get on with your lives

wickerman · 26/04/2010 12:28

Yes, I am , actually, but that's the thing, I CAN't HAVE HIM.

ANd I'm fucked, or rather not, sadly, if I'm going to allow that to ruin my life.

So I am now taking steps to ensure that doesn't happen.

This thread is quite surreally moony.

MarshaBrady · 26/04/2010 12:35

It is, isn't it. Has an unreal quality. (wish I hadn't added to that now!)

Unfortunately the reality for the other people caught up in the situation it's not so flowery and not really beautiful.

Not talking about any one on here - but someone I know who is mooningly and hang-doggedly in love with a mm. Great for them, awful for wife.

(I do think Runnerbean should get together with her man however).

jasper · 26/04/2010 13:06

Runnerbean you are to be commended for going with the courage of your convictions and not deceiving your spouses indefinitely.
Only you know whether you are rewriting history.

LeQueen · 26/04/2010 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blueshoes · 26/04/2010 21:46

If you read Bridges of Madison County, the star-crossed lovers Did The Right Thing and held off in life. Nothing like getting together, hurting everyone else and then come crashing down to earth in a banal thud.

Janos · 26/04/2010 21:58

What wwifn and AF said, with knobs on.

This all sounds tremendously self absorbed and tbh I have found this thread quite depressing.

People wasting their lives over smoke and mirrors. Very sad.