sadstory, your words are beautiful, and echo my feelings exactly.
For 25 years I was completely obsessed with my first love, had so many other relationships I've lost count, always searching for that 'special' something, but was always in love with him.
I went to a hypnotherapist for other issues, and I discussed him there and wanted my therapist to 'erase' him from my thoughts so I could just love my husband, as I should, and get on with my life. I felt like he'd ruined all my other relationships, I felt quite angry at him for always 'being' there.
We have been in contact via FB and FR over the years, just friendly catch up, 'hi, how are you?' But he didn't know how I really felt.
Then fate put him in my path 3 months ago, after 22 years we were face to face.
But he was now a 40 year old man, very overweight, quite grey, not the 18 year old boy I had in my head!
I wanted closure, I wanted to feel nothing, I wanted to be repulsed, I wanted to feel ridiculous that I'd been pining over an 'image' in my memory.
But the outside appearance doesn't matter because inside it's still him.
We've spent the last 3 months getting to know each other again, I've been married twice, have two dds, have had a wonderful career, travelled the world.
He is married, has two dds.
He is everything I want, he is perfect, he is what has been missing my whole life, we have so much in common it's bizarre, we seem to be able to read each others thoughts. I've never felt so comfortable, so happy, so right, just by being with someone, I can tell him anything, he is my perfect match, I feel like I've been lost my whole life and now I've come home.
After a couple of weeks of seeing him again, and lots of silly, friendly, texts I told him how i felt, I expected him to laugh, and say,
"I'm very flattered, you're very nice, but I'm married and were just good friends, how ridiculous, we were kids when we went out."
What he actually said was,
"I've been in love with you for 25 years, I've been obsessed with you, I hardly go 2 days without thinking about you, I used to ride by your house hoping to see you, I had your phone number in my phone for 10 years, I only joined FB and FR to find you, I want to be with you and spend the rest of my life with you, you are perfect in every way!!!!"
You could have knocked me over with a feather!!!!
So where do we go from here?
I knew I had to sleep with him, (we never did 25 years ago, too young) because then if the sex was crap, then that would be the end of that, we had to get that bit out of the way. So that was his 40th birthday present from me.
The sex was amazing, I'd never experienced anything like it, ( and believe me I've had more than my fair share of bed partners!)
And now?
What would you do?
Should we leave our marriages and be together?
It's what we both want.
It does seem ridiculous in black and white, written here.
I've stopped seeing him, I don't want to creep around having a steamy affair, so we just talk every day.
He says he will leave his wife, the relationship with my dh has broken down, my heart was never in it, I don't want to be here anymore.
watch this space.