Are you in love with someone who you can't have?

[NeatSoda]

Just wondering really.

I'm not, but last week someone told me my ExP hasn't slept a full night since we broke up six years ago and describes himself as still in love with me. He would know that we're not going to get back together, I'm married, and anyway, it was him who dumped me (horribly), so he knew telling my friend wasn't in any way intended to change the situation, he just believes himself to be in love with me forever. (He probably won't be, I know, I'm not that special!)

I can't feel triumphant about 'winning the break-up'. It's just sad really. The whole thing got me thinking about that feeling of deep yearning that I remember from an unrequited university love. It's such a waste of feelings - but also a bit beautiful?

That came out harsher than I meant. I do mean sad in the non obnoxious way. Imagine feeling 'that's it'. Life should be about looking forward.

I think this thread shows the difference between a relationship built on attraction and love and one built on committment,and shades imbetween.

Marriage is a committment which should be built on love but isn't always as it depends on the people involved,their judgements and natures.

Extra marital affairs conversely aren't built at all on committment[more an escape from it] but the partners often feel it is built on love...which may or nor be true ,but they are usually strong in attraction.

The point is ,the committment of marriage should be broken off before starting the love affair,but often that doesn't happen for several reasons,then the other partners get hurt.

However,if the marriage is not what one of the partners really wants but can't tell the other one [or they won't accept it],it's difficult to be with a marriage partner when you would prefer to be with the new partner.

I don't think it is completely black and white ...affairs are wrong,obviously but then often people have stayed together for the children and not really for their parther who may,as time goes by be a long way off from their soul mate/true love parther

love affairs from long ago were often quite intense and built on strong attraction but the timing wasn't right,whereas many marriages occur when the timing is right [for children etc]even if the attraction and compatibility may not be as good...hence why the affairs from years ago hold their appeal,as they may have that raw attraction and soul mate depth of interaction.

Don't want to offend anyone but life isn't that simple and tbh marriage is a bit ott in my opinion...a commitment for life is a heck of an undertaking in this day and age when we live so long...and divorce statistics prove it is not very successful as a model.

outofmysysten that is one of the best posts I have ever read on mumsnet

there is also the societal, financial, familial and religious pressure to stay in a marriage despite the popularly held view that its easy to split.

It isn't easy - not saying it should be either but that more emphasis should be placed on the quality of the relationship rather than remaining for the reasons in paragraph one.

Gawd knows I tried everything to stay in my marriage because deeply ingrained in me is the notion that once you have made your bed you lie in it. Divorce is disapproved of within my family. I probably stayed about four years too long because most of the time it was miserable.

Timing is everything too I agree. My biological clock was def ticking but I truly believed that my marriage would last and exh was the right person. On paper he seemed a more 'grown up choice' but the reality was I hadn't seen the true person behind the facade.

I do think it's hard to make judgements about what you would or wouldn't do though when you are in a good and happy marriage.

SGB is right IMO (tho she hasn't posted here) when she says the emphasis on romance,soul mates etc and the idealised coupledom (hope I have quoted you right here SGB) almost ironically can lead to the one situation that should be avoided. People see something shiny and new think that this new person must the 'the one' and chase that dream when maybe it's illusory.

Having said that I have experienced that really powerful chemistry and connection with someone - completely overwhelming and also based in reality as have also had a bf/gf relationship. I suppose the ideal is that should experience that with your life partner but again many other pressures lead people to 'settle' and rationalise their choice of partners.

And I think that often men can be more guilty of that than women, although have known women to settle too. Especially if they have ingrained ideas of what a 'wife' should be like. We can all pretend we are modern but some (and I emphasise some) types of men chose a more 'wifely' person - sort of madonna/whore complex applied to marriage. Then when the polarised roles set in distance can also set in. JMO

Hopefully the majority of mnetters though have a more egalitarian set up with respect on both sides.

here endeth the essay.

and actually none of this is new - my great uncle on his deathbed and married for 50 or 60 years (very volatile marriage I'm told) said he had always loved another woman.

Apparently there had been rumours about them at some point but I have no idea whether he did cheat on my great aunt or whether it was just unrequited passion.

You feel what you feel. Even if you don't act upon feelings and stay married you can't operate thought control on your partner.

"I love this man with every part of me. I'd love the opportunity to wash his pants and listen to him snore."

Reminds me of this song which made me weep when I was courting my husband

OOMS I agree with your assessment that if people "settle" for someone with whom they aren't in love, but the "life timing" is right, there will be inevitable problems further down the line.

And yes, I agree that old flames are especially intoxicating, for the reasons you put forward, but also because the person reminds us of our young self, when responsibilities were fewer or non-existent.
Often though I think this is less about the person - and more about the memories they evoke.

I suppose I am always surprised when mature adults under-estimate the potential effects of rekindling a thwarted love affair, invested as they have been with lots of possibly false beliefs about the "one that got away". It is in fact extremely likely that the emotions felt will be intense - and the effect is like a bomb detonating. I think it is also more "black and white" than you suggest, because it involves a series of choices. People say "yes" to a lot of steps before actually embarking on an affair.

I think another problem is the notion of "soul mates" or that for each person, there is their one. Realistically, it is extremely implausible that of the thousands of potential partners there are in the world, people happen to have found that person sitting next to them at school, or at work. This is something my H and I (gently) disagree on. He believes I am his "one", whereas I think we have evolved over nearly three decades to become deeply entwined...

I can think of exes where the physical attraction was huge, but as a fairly rational person, I know they would have been disastrous as a life partner, but conversely I would never have settled for anyone who didn't set fire to my body as well as my mind.

Those are the aspects that keep a long marriage alive - and the challenge is to grow together and keep that mutual fascination intact. I don't share your pessimism about whether that is achievable though - it certainly is, but I often think it comes back to that initial choice - and whether the union was based on a deep emotional and physical connection. If was there in the first place, it can be rekindled - and it helps the marriage sustain an enormous amount of life knocks and inevitable "troughs".

If you've "settled" though, you've still got life choices, but again the challenge is to make those adult choices with the least amount of pain to yourself and others.

I don't think I have ever seen such a run of thoughtful postings!
SIncitylover, specialmagiclady , and WWIFN, round of applause to you all

This is all very illuminating and I couldn't have put it into words such as those myself.

Are you mainly speaking of a first love, maybe one that was unrequited from long ago or failed and rekindled later in life as an affair?

(Sorry just picked up on this and only read a few posts)

I am still very much in love with my stbexh. I cannot move on, even though he has treated me very badly and lives with ow.

He was my first love too, we had a very intense mutual attraction and that only waned when ow turned up.

I have thought long and hard about my feelings and, yes, maybe I will miss my life with him and grieve the loss of my hopes for the future with him.

Bu most of it, it is just that I love him so much still, and cannot imagine life without him.

I am finding it so hard.
I have done all the things everyone recommends, friends, new activities, etc
Yes, they are a distraction but they do not fill the void.

partytime I understand exactly - and from what I remember, you were married for a long time and were very happy until your ex started his affair. Having been in such a long marriage myself, I think you do need to grieve this loss - you have shared the majority of your adult life with this person. That takes some getting over.

What I think might help you from this thread though is to challenge any notion you might have had that your exH was your soul mate, or the only person for you. He really isn't. The message I'd give to you is the same as I'd give to the "romantic" posters, or the partners who are currently being betrayed by the affairs detailed on this thread.

We are not tattoed at birth with a number matching anyone else's. People are not gods - and they have flaws just like everyone else. Some are more selfish than others.

Your exH displayed hugely selfish behaviours and from what I remember, gaslighted you for 3 years with denials so that you thought you were going quite mad. He is no god and he is not your soul mate. It is however highly likely that you will meet someone kinder and less selfish than this. You will feel that intense connection again with someone else. Your exH hasn't ruined you for others - he doesn't have special powers and he turned out to have feet of clay.

You do need that grieving period, but also the perspective that he is not the "only one" for you.

It's so interesting to see other people's stories - so sorry to hear the heartache it causes some.
I've been feeling like this for years about a man who I had a brief encounter with - he's my best friend's brother. It didn't work out between us, but we remain friends, and chat from time to time. When we do, it feels like we've never been apart, and we just "click", IYKWIM. When I was with my exP, I used to wonder what it would be like to get back together with him; i still do now. I know it wouldn't work though - he was married about 18 months ago, and moved back in with his parents after the marriage ended 8-10 months ago. He's just not the type of man I want or need. But I will always love him, I get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about him, let alone when I see him. Funny thing is, I love DP in the same way - they are so similar, but DP has the stability and commitment to see it through a marriage, whereas I know this other man doesn't. I do often think the same as cuckoosnest - that one day we will be together because it seems we're meant to be together.

Sorry for the long post - I really appreciate the opportunity to get that off my chest, thanks OP!

WWIFN - as always a wonderful post, thanks.

Much of what you understand from my past posts is true.

We were always open and honest with each other, about our needs but not necessarily for him about his feelings. But I thought I knew him well enough after 25 years together.

I am not naive enough to think that he is my 'soul mate' or whatever you would like to call it, but I do know that he is a very loving, caring man, who got involved with someone else for whatever reason.

As I know his 'true' character, I see this behaviour as a change in his personality, I cannot stop loving him.

I know he loves me still but in a different way to OW, he tells me when I see him. He knows how I feel, as I say I am very honest and open.

My anguish at not being able to move on (don't really like that phrase), or to stop loving him is debilitating at times.

When will it end? Some have said when I find someone new, but I cannot imagine this, mainly because I don't see many men around who are interested in a 45 year old woman, unless it's for a no strings bunk up after a night out!!

wanted to update.
earlier i said we werent talking.
We hadnt spoken for just short of 2 weeks.
He got in contact yesterday and we spoke for about twenty minutes. i would have chatted longer except i had to go somewhere.

it was amazing timing as i was just thinking about how much i missed just talking to him and was thinking that i would try and not think about it but if i felt the same in a week that i would have to contact him.

i have a date with another man who seems nice on friday i am still going to go. There is always a chance that we might hit it off.

Im glad we are talking again. When we dont talk i just feel wrong and so so sad. I dont know where this will lead. I dont ever think we will be together properly it would take too much comprimise on both sides. If we had met 7 years ago it would have been perfect. Its not just because of him either. its due to me too.

anyway, wanted to update