Was going to namechange

[ShadeofViolet]

But I realised that I dont have to because I dont feel like I have done anything wrong, though I am a bit embarrased.

DH and I have three children (three planned children). Since we had DD 18 months ago we have not had sex at all, nothing. DH claims this is because he is worried about having another baby but I am sure its because he doesnt trust me.

Basically I have made no bones of the fact I would like another baby, but he is adamant he doesnt. We talked about it about a year ago and I decided that for the good of our marriage I would let go of my fourth child longings and stick with three.

So we havent had sex. I have tried to initiate it but I get nothing back. At first I thought it was because I had a really wobbly post baby body, but after a while DH said 'I dont want any more babies, you need to leave me alone'.

Now DH has an appointment to have the snip on the 29th April, and last night he said to me, 'bet you cant wait til I have had it done, I know I cant'.

So basically he thinks once he has had it done and had the all clear I should be ready and waiting for him, never mind the fact that he thinks I would try and trap him into having a baby. (I can honestly say 1 million percent that I wouldnt).

I am really disappointed and hurt. He is very unsupportive and quite critical in lots of ways and I do wonder why I am still here sometimes.

How weird that he wont have sex and just use another form of contraception

Does he also realise that once the "snip" has happened, it could be between 6 and 12 months to get the all clear??

Also, you can have sex without penetration.

Hi, my initial view is that he doesnt seem to have shown a great deal of trust in you. It's hardly conducive to you wanting to restart a physical relationship is it?

Lots and lots of chats, but basically he doesnt trust me, so anything wecould use wouldnt be good enough incase I do something to interfer withit and I end up PG. I even bought some condoms and he inspected them to make sure I hadnt tampered with them.

I honestly wouldnt want a baby that way but he doesnt believe me. I also wouldnt want another baby right now, but thats beside the point because we agreed not to have anymore.

When I write it down it sounds so awful, but I am just so upset that he expects me to be up for it as soon as he is because he has the control.

PrettyFeckinVacant - I know, he is quite happy for a blow job when he wants one

Was number 3 definitely agreed to by your dh? Or could he feel he was tricked then?

is he has been getting 18 months of bj's, no wonder he doesn't think there is a problem!

well i suppose if he is adamant he does not want anymore children he is doing the right thing to have the snip.

But why cant he just wear a condom to have sex at the moment?

There is a bigger issue though - and you do need to talk.

I only ask because I remember talking to my h about having number 3 and he agreed we could but when I told he I was pregnant he looked shocked (even though he definitely took part) and said he couldn't remember talking about it

We definately agreed. We sat down and talked about it, and we both agreed. Because it had taken 4 years to fall PG with DS2 we decided to try when he turned 9 months because it might take that long again, however I got PG straight away and so I have a 19 month gap between DS2 and DD.

I asked him and he says its because after we had DD and I said I would like one more I seemed so insistant and got a bit upset. It was the third day after giving birth and I also cried that day because I couldnt have what I wanted for dinner on the maternity ward.

He was over the moon, we wre a bit shocked but he was so happy, and even happier when we found out after the amnio we were having a girl.

Sometimes I think its about being tied to me, as he likes to do his own thing alot, hardly ever does stuff with us etc, but then I dont know if thats true because we have three children and one more wouldnt make a difference in that respect.

It also might be because DS2 has ASD and can be a handful, but I asked him this and he said it isnt. Plus as he isnt here alot he doesnt really have much dealings with DS's dificult behaviour because he is so happy to see his daddy that he is an angel

So, he'll take a blowjob but give absolutely nothing sexual to you in return?

His lack of trust in you is cruel and nasty, there's no other way of looking at it, checking condoms, christ, that's unbelieveable.

I take it he's hoping that you will participate in getting him clear after the snip? No doubt he'll be expecting lots of blowjobs
As someone else said, it takes months to get clear.

Reading it all ack it sounds awful, seeing it all written down in black and white makes me

He sounds awful and I am sorry you fell so little about yourself that you have allowed him to treat you this way. He is obviously expecting you to have sex with him as soon as the op is done. Why has he taken so long to get it done if your dd is already 18 months old?

I wanted another baby, dh didn't so he had the snip but we still had sex using condoms.

You should feel sad Shades, it's an untenable situation.
Unreasonable, irrational , controlling, selfish, he doesn't sound like he deserves the children he has got, if as you say he has little interaction with them.

He sounds like everyone has to fit in with his life and do whatever he wants.

< He is very unsupportive and quite critical in lots of ways and I do wonder why I am still here sometimes. >
It's this, isn't it sweetheart

Maybe the baby/sex thing has been the one thing too many, for you ... would you like to tell us a bit more about life with your mostly-absent, mistrustful, sex-withholding husband? Though I'm sure heas his good points, mind you.

I have some sympathies with him, I know of so many mums that 'accidently' got pregnant on the pill, 'it must have been a stomach upset' etc. and will tell their girlfriends the truth.

Not saying you would do this but I'm sure your DH knows it goes on and how many of the DHs / DPs of the women that do this know? However, inspecting condems - that's a bit extreme.

What happened re: contraception when you weren't ttc?

Thanks everyone.

I do know of someone who trapped thier DP into having a baby, but DH should no me well enough now and trust me enough to know that I wouldnt do that.

He works, alot. He also does squash, badminton and golf everyweek, and goes to the gym three times a week, so he is hardly ever home. If I ask him to do something I am nagging, if I suggest we do something as a family I am crowding him. When he isnt working orplaying sport he is watching it.

As I say, he works hard, and he does provide for us, but it feels lile we are two seperate people living in the same house. The sex thing was fine with me after a while, but its just the fact he expects it to be how he wants it when its convenient for him just feels so hurtful.

He sounds like a dick TBH - why doesn't he spend any time with you as a family? It sounds as if he just lives his own life and leaves you to deal with the children?

He just doesnt and its always been like that I suppose, he will do something with us every two weeks or so and at (his) family functions.

I do love him though. I know its all negative but he used to be a nice man, and he is a good dad. I just dont feel like I have the strength to fight or this relationship every day, so I just let things carry on as they always have. I dont want to argue with him about it all the time, so I just dont even bother to mention it.