Was going to namechange

[ShadeofViolet]

But I realised that I dont have to because I dont feel like I have done anything wrong, though I am a bit embarrased.

DH and I have three children (three planned children). Since we had DD 18 months ago we have not had sex at all, nothing. DH claims this is because he is worried about having another baby but I am sure its because he doesnt trust me.

Basically I have made no bones of the fact I would like another baby, but he is adamant he doesnt. We talked about it about a year ago and I decided that for the good of our marriage I would let go of my fourth child longings and stick with three.

So we havent had sex. I have tried to initiate it but I get nothing back. At first I thought it was because I had a really wobbly post baby body, but after a while DH said 'I dont want any more babies, you need to leave me alone'.

Now DH has an appointment to have the snip on the 29th April, and last night he said to me, 'bet you cant wait til I have had it done, I know I cant'.

So basically he thinks once he has had it done and had the all clear I should be ready and waiting for him, never mind the fact that he thinks I would try and trap him into having a baby. (I can honestly say 1 million percent that I wouldnt).

I am really disappointed and hurt. He is very unsupportive and quite critical in lots of ways and I do wonder why I am still here sometimes.

He is being very controlling. I cannot believe he would distrust his own wife that much.

The fact that you have even thought about leaving before shows how you are not happy with this marriage, and with very good reason.

I can't stand it when men think they are good husbands and fathers just because they go and work but spend all their time in the gym etc, leaving their wives/parteners at home with the children while they do fuck all to help.

His complaints about being 'crowded' if you want to do anything as a family are disgusting tbh. Does he have any redeeming features?

Oh and when he comes back from the snip, I would hand him a mag and tell him to sort himself out. Then walk out!! Ok I know its not that simple to just walk out, but don't sleep with him, like he is doing you some massive favour!

minipie there is nothing wrong with knowing where you stand legally and financially. Seeking legal advice on your position does not mean you are filing the papers.

IMO everyone should know where they stand, man or woman, and they should know how they would stand if they found themselves on their own through death or divorce or whatever.

I am in my marriage because I chose to be, not because I need to be, and the same applies to DH.

How empowering for the OP to be able to talk freely with her DH about the issues around sex and his spending time with his family, secure in the knowledge that she can look after her kids and support herself.

I just want to be happy, and I want him to respect me as a person, but most of all I want him to spend time with his children, to want to spend time with us.

I still see the man I married, I want him back.

Have you told him this?

I don't think he respects you if he was checking the condoms.

minipie...no-one is trying to force this woman to go for a divorce

knowledge is power I say

it certainly is, in this case

it appears this poor lady feels she has no choice but to tolerate this deckhead's twatty behaviour

she most certainly does have a choice

are you saying she should not find out what her legal position actually is...do you feel it would be better if she continued to stick her head in the sand ?

I certainly don't

deckhead ?

I think it should be clear what I meant to say

I just dont know where it all comes from, the mistrust. I have never done anything to make him mistrust me and we have been together over 10 years.

I did talk about leaving once before, but he begged me to stay, saying that he couldnt see what the problem was, and that he was happy and he thought I was too. When I pointed out about the lack of family time he said it was because he needed space because he worked so hard, and he made it sound so reasonable that I ended up feeling bad for pushing him. We talked about the sex and he just kept saying that he doesnt want any accidents, I dont know if he meant real ones or 'accidents' IYSWIM.

If I say anything then he will say that the remark he made last night was a joke and I am so uptight, and he will have me thinking that I am again.

And I know the mistrust doesnt come from his past as this is his first serious relationship.

Has he actually come out and said it's because he doesn't trust you or are you assuming that? Sorry, but I'm not clear on that from your posts.

I realise there are other problems in the marriage and I'm sorry to hear that, but re this issue - could it be simply that he so very deeply doesn't want another child that he cannot have sex until there is no chance of pregnancy - all contraception has a small chance of failure (I know the snip does too - isn't it 1 in 200? but it is, psychologically, the end of your fertility, iyswim)

Could it be that the thought disturbs him so much that he is actually physically incapable of getting an erection? The mind is a powerful thing.

You may be feeling it's because he doesn't trust you but perhaps his fear of accidental pregnancy is so great that he just can't 'get it up' ...apols for the phrase.

He hasnt actually said he doesnt trust me outright, but he has made it quite plain. He has told me that he thinks I only agreed to not have another baby to get him onside, and that I am still broody, want another baby now blah blah. When he caught me watching 'One Born Every Minute' he went mad.

Have you said "It seems like you are saying you don't trust me to not try to interfere with our contraception. Is this what you are saying?"

Get it out in the open.

I will find out where I stand with regards to the house and his savings, I agree that its a good idea to know.

Thanks ladies

'I just want to be happy, and I want him to respect me as a person, but most of all I want him to spend time with his children, to want to spend time with us.'

well then thats exactly what you tell him!!...not in an arguement...be straight and honest with him...tell him how you 'really' feel...tell him how you feel about checking condoms etc...tell him how it 'makes' you feel..ask him how he would feel if it was reversed...do you think he loves you?..people tend to toddle along thinking everything is 'ok'...if you never express how you feel he will never know...and not in sound-bites...but in honest adult conversation...

JustMyTwoPenceWorth - I dont think i am brave enough to do that, besides he would probably say yes!

I know its scary...but it will help you may not want to rock the boat but sometimes its the only way to see where you stand..and what you need to do next

He has called to say he is on his way home so I am going to try and talk to him tonight, otherwise I wont get the chance for over a week.

all the best shade < squeeze >

keep us posted, we are on your side (you better believe it ..)

Shade- has he had the operation yet? Condoms are of course birth control where he can exercise the control so it seems extreme for him to go that far. A friend of mine dad is trying to reverse his operation now that he has a new young wife and she wants kids.

He went mad because you were watching a baby programme?
Sorry love, he's got a fucking screw loose!
Can't you see how irrational and hateful he's being?

He just sounds like a big kid. No wonder he doesn't want another real child!

I really feel for you. And I'm afraid I support the advice to start quietly making your exit plan. If the only contribution he's making is "providing for" his family - not being involved in any real sense - and he expects sexual services as specified by him ... well, I don't like the transaction he equates with marriage. I don't suppose you like it much either.

How about squirreling away some cash, building up your real friendships and sharpening your skills? Can't do any harm

it bothers me, shade, that you are too frightened to give him any ultimatums in case he follows through and dumps you

would that not give you your answer ?

Shade I hope the silence means you are having a good talk with him.

I can really sympathise with you Shades but I think everyone seems to be jumping the gun a bit with talk of divorce lawyers etc. It seems quite extreme.

I am in a very similar position to you although nowhere near reaching for the yellow pages to find a divorce lawyer. What we have to remember is that having children, although extremely rewarding, is tough. Its hard work. Its all about compromise. DH has to work to support us, there is no other option. Unfortunately that means he can not take the children swimming, to the cinema or other fun treats. If my DH is not working on the weekend he needs to rest, unwind and re charge his batteries.

He doesn't seem interested in me on any level. This upsets me but I know (hope) that this is just a difficult time in our lives. When the children are a bit older I can get some me time back again.

The fact that I want a 4th child, the fact that we have no money, the fact that he works round the clock and so is always knackered all contribute to a complete nosedive in his sex drive.

Sorry, I didn't want to just talk about me but I see so many similarities. You really need to have an honest chat, not an argument, about it all. Tell him how he makes you feel. You said you still love him so cling on to that and work through it. I really hope the chat tonight goes ok.

I'm late to this, Shade, but I hope your talk is productive.

I'm horrified at the idea that a person working outside the home can't be expected to also share the load in the evenings/weekends. I work 10 hour days 4 days a week, and I look after one fairly easy toddler on the other 3 days, and working isn't harder. I come home, do dinner/bathtime/playtime/stories, and on weekends we split the housework and the playing with our daughter and the errands.

gossip, why do you think it's okay that your husband gets to rest, unwind, recharge, and you don't?

Thanks everyone for your advice and support.

We did have a good talk last night, but by the end we were going round in circles and nt really getting anywhere. I do love him and I believe he loves me, but he did admit he doesnt trust me, as I was so adamant before that I wanted another baby after DD. He also said that he thinks I am quite self sufficient and just get on and do things and he finds it hard to get involved. I did say that all he had to do was say, to which he admitted he could have done and that he quite enjoyed being on his own, as the noise gets to him. He also aid that work was so stressful and I do understand this. He aslo said that working away didnt help, as he is away every other week, so I am just used to getting on with things because he isnt here half the time. Also, with DS2 he feels pushed out as although DS is happy to see his daddy, he doesnt ask him for anything - if he wants a drink, or a story or something else he alwyas comes to me.

I appreciated the honesty, but I dont know how I feel now. He has gone for a week now and I will be using the time to have a serious think about where we both stand and ill also be looking at our finances.