Was going to namechange

[ShadeofViolet]

But I realised that I dont have to because I dont feel like I have done anything wrong, though I am a bit embarrased.

DH and I have three children (three planned children). Since we had DD 18 months ago we have not had sex at all, nothing. DH claims this is because he is worried about having another baby but I am sure its because he doesnt trust me.

Basically I have made no bones of the fact I would like another baby, but he is adamant he doesnt. We talked about it about a year ago and I decided that for the good of our marriage I would let go of my fourth child longings and stick with three.

So we havent had sex. I have tried to initiate it but I get nothing back. At first I thought it was because I had a really wobbly post baby body, but after a while DH said 'I dont want any more babies, you need to leave me alone'.

Now DH has an appointment to have the snip on the 29th April, and last night he said to me, 'bet you cant wait til I have had it done, I know I cant'.

So basically he thinks once he has had it done and had the all clear I should be ready and waiting for him, never mind the fact that he thinks I would try and trap him into having a baby. (I can honestly say 1 million percent that I wouldnt).

I am really disappointed and hurt. He is very unsupportive and quite critical in lots of ways and I do wonder why I am still here sometimes.

gg, read the thread...no-one was advising a divorce lawyer

Shade I'm glad you had a talk with him.

His responses are interesting, he is basically saying that it's all your fault and he is only reacting to you - which is a total cop out as well as being bullshit.

gg - you poor woman. Your husband has convinced you that he is more important than you are. How very sad for your children to grow up seeing that as normal.

Look I hate to raise this, but as often happens on these threads, I think there's an elephant in the room for the OP and the very sad-sounding gossipgirl.

OP you say he doesn't want sex with you, is being critical and unsupportive, distant from family life, complaining about work stress - and also works away alternate weeks. He's saying he doesn't trust you, likes time on his own and doesn't really want to get more involved than he is. It also sounds as though he has stopped seeing you as a sexual being with needs - evidenced by his apparent refusal to give you any kind of intimacy. He sounds a very selfish man with a huge sense of entitlement.

Is there a chance he is having an affair?

"DH has to work to support us, there is no other option. Unfortunately that means he can not take the children swimming, to the cinema or other fun treats. If my DH is not working on the weekend he needs to rest, unwind and re charge his batteries."

Sorry GG, that's utter, utter garbage!
When our DD was little, DH had just come out of the Airforce and was working nights 60+ hours a week and I was working Saturdays, he still found the time to do all that and more with her. He cherished every waking moment with her.
Working hard / long hours is not an excuse for a man to opt out of parenting, any decent father will tell you that.

I honestly dont tink he is having an affair. I did ask him last night if that was why he was so distant and he swore that he wasnt, and he said our marriage vows are very important to him.

I really dont know what to do, but I feel so much relief when he is not here, then guilt for feeling the relief.

Shades, I'm glad you had a good honest chat. You are obviously a very good mum with everything and everyone under control! Your DH sounds nervous to be honest. If he put a bit more effort in with the children he would reap the rewards and therefore want to spend more time with them. Certainly with my DH he seems to get stuck in a rut where he stays away because he thinks I've got it licked and he doesn't want to be stuck with the screaming baby (not that she does but ykwim). When he does spend time with the girls he absolutely loves it, they adore him and have great fun with him.

The trust thing with your DH is a difficult one. It does seem quite extreme that he is thinking like this after something you said so soon after giving birth. Hormones and emotions has such a huge part to play at this time. You are obviously thinking more rationally now and he should recognise this.

With regards to the comments about me and my DH, I am not a sad woman. Sometimes I feel a bit sorry for myself but I am actually a very positive person. My DH is a fantastic man who I absolutely adore and who adores me too! He really is super stressed though. He would love to spend more time with the children but with a mortgage to pay and bills bills bills he has to concentrate on work. Maybe we are just old fashioned but the children & home making are my department and earning money is his. I like to look after my DH, after all he looks after me too. When I worked we shared the childcare and household chores but with three children I do not go out to work any more. My husband is more than a decent father and has by no means opted out of parenting. I am sorry if I gave that impression. He is away working at the moment and I was feeling a bit lonely last night. I would like to resume our sexlife as that would make me feel more wanted by him as a wife not just a mother. But as I said before with 3 children under 5 life is very tiring but it won't be like this for ever!

Gossipgirl, I don't mean to pick, but you said "Unfortunately that means he can not take the children swimming, to the cinema or other fun treats. If my DH is not working on the weekend he needs to rest, unwind and re charge his batteries."

What that says to me is that on weekends, he is resting and having leisure time, instead of spending time with his children or helping around the house. You, on the other hand, are working all weekend.

Plus, "he stays with because he doesn't want to be stuck with the screaming baby".

If you're happy with the lack of respect for your work that displays, that's fine. But he doesn't "need" to have more leisure time and more freedom than you. You've just chosen that to be the case.

I'll say this again: I am the breadwinner in my family. I work long days. And I still do half the childcare and half the housework.

stays away

I think perhaps you all think that my DH sits around with his feet up doing nothing whilst I run round in circles around him.

On Saturdays I have a lie in and he gets breakfast for the girls, on Sunday he has a lie in and I usually go to church with the girls. The rest of the days are spent pottering round the house if he is not working. If he is working I will take the girls out to entertain both them and me. When we are both at home we would rather potter at home together. I don't want to put pressure on him to take the girls out places, they have plenty of stimulation the rest of the time.

It is important for DH to unwind from his work. It is important for me to rest and have a break too, I do not need to escape from the house though. I can relax with my DH and my DCs.

My DH does not show lack of respect for my work at all, he is hugely appreciative, he thinks I am a brilliant mum. The day to day running of the house is done by me because he is out at work all day. It is our sex life that I feel is lacking not anything else.

hey Shades

sounds like you had a good talk

I think he knows he needs to change... yes he is finding some excuses but that does demonstrate at least he knows his behaviour hasn't been great. At least he is being honest with you.

more of the same I think