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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Was going to namechange

85 replies

ShadeofViolet · 19/04/2010 14:54

But I realised that I dont have to because I dont feel like I have done anything wrong, though I am a bit embarrased.

DH and I have three children (three planned children). Since we had DD 18 months ago we have not had sex at all, nothing. DH claims this is because he is worried about having another baby but I am sure its because he doesnt trust me.

Basically I have made no bones of the fact I would like another baby, but he is adamant he doesnt. We talked about it about a year ago and I decided that for the good of our marriage I would let go of my fourth child longings and stick with three.

So we havent had sex. I have tried to initiate it but I get nothing back. At first I thought it was because I had a really wobbly post baby body, but after a while DH said 'I dont want any more babies, you need to leave me alone'.

Now DH has an appointment to have the snip on the 29th April, and last night he said to me, 'bet you cant wait til I have had it done, I know I cant'.

So basically he thinks once he has had it done and had the all clear I should be ready and waiting for him, never mind the fact that he thinks I would try and trap him into having a baby. (I can honestly say 1 million percent that I wouldnt).

I am really disappointed and hurt. He is very unsupportive and quite critical in lots of ways and I do wonder why I am still here sometimes.

OP posts:

cyteen · 19/04/2010 20:10

I think you should give him a DIY vasectomy. Am very angry and sad for you.

cyteen · 19/04/2010 20:11

At the very least, tell him straight that his lack of trust, casual assumption that you will be ready and waiting when he deems it suitable and general emotional fuckwittedness has killed your attraction to him stone dead. Congratulate him on being such an effective form of contraception.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 19/04/2010 20:17

So he doesn't attend family things that are on your side of the family?

Tbh I think the issue with the sex/baby/snip etc is only a symptom of the real issue which is that he doesn't have any respect for you, and doesn't appear to have embraced his responsibilities as a husband and father at all.

How can he be a good dad when he spends so little time with his children? Just providing financially doesn't make a good father.

I am incredibly sad for you, and I honestly think you should give some thought to a seperation. Might be worth making sure you have all the pertinent financial info to hand just incase.

AnyFucker · 19/04/2010 20:23

he can provide financially from a different address...

ameliameerkat · 19/04/2010 20:29

I have to ask - you've been giving him BJs for the past while which (obviously) he's been happy with. Has he been helping you out at all in that department?!

Goodadvice1980 · 19/04/2010 20:29

OP, you say that he is a "good father"? Well doesn't that also include respecting you as the mother of his children?

He seems very dismissive of you.

AF - spot on advice as always!

Malificence · 19/04/2010 20:30

Good dads spend time with their children, they take them swimming and to the cinema, teach them to ride a bike etc.
Has he ever done any of those things?

Good husbands trust their wives and don't act like complete morons.

Original poster

ShadeofViolet · 19/04/2010 20:35

ameliameerkat - No.

I have thought about seperation before, but this is his house, his name is on the mortgage and not mine, plus he runs his business from this address so it would mean me trying to find somewhere to live and so much change for the children. I dont know if I have the strength to get me through it.

He does spend time with the children, but on his terms. When he does spend the time with them he is good at it, its just the frequency is sporadic at best.

OP posts:

overmydeadbody · 19/04/2010 20:38

Shadeofviolet you poor thing, I am so angry with your DH on your behalf.

Please don't put up with this. He does not sound like he is enhancing your life at all, what is the point in being with him?

Why does he not trust you? And how can he accept BJs off you without returning the favour? I don't get that. He sounds like a prize wanker.

AnyFucker · 19/04/2010 20:39

shade...how on earth did you get to this point ?

you are completely financially dependent on a man who doesn't even like you very much ?

I am so, so sorry to see this

overmydeadbody · 19/04/2010 20:40

If you're married it doesn't matter that his name is on the house, I'm sure if you divorce him you are entitled to half? ( i could be wrong though)

Original poster

ShadeofViolet · 19/04/2010 20:42

I know, you are all right. I just dont know how to change it so sometimes its easier not to think about it and to get on with life.

I am not completely dependant on him, I have the Child Benefit and my Carer's allowance. I would move out and I have thought about it beore, but I cant afford to rent in this area and the sudden change would be too much for DS2 who has ASD.

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 19/04/2010 20:47

ShadeofViolet - you are married? In that case it's your house too. Do you have any money in your own name, do you pay into a pension?

What is the situation with the business, are you a co-owner?

I think you need some legal advice, and I think you need to try and get your hands on some documents about how much money is tied up and where so that you can stake your claim.

AnyFucker · 19/04/2010 20:49

shade...this will sound harsh, but if you wanted to leave enough, you would find a way

many, many women have before you and will after you

he would have to support the children

please...could you look seriously into your financial options

see a solicitor, benefits office, CAB etc etc

you sound trapped, unhappy and beaten down

a poor example to your children, frankly

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 19/04/2010 20:50

Under no circumstance move out. Your children have a right to remain in their home, and you as their primary carer have the right to remain there with them. He will have to move out if there is moving out to be done.

You really need to see a solicitor.

Original poster

ShadeofViolet · 19/04/2010 20:51

I now how much money we have - nothing

The house is in negative equity at the moment so I cant force a sale and we used all our savings when DH was made redundant and so he set up a new buisness. We have about 7k left.

I do pay into a pension but I have no savings in my own name except £500 I put aside to do the garden in the summer for the DC's.

I am not a co-owner in the business, DH is a financial advisor and is home one week, away the next. He is going away tomorrow or a week and a day. I think its this arrangement which means our marriage hasnt dropped dead before now.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShadeofViolet · 19/04/2010 20:54

I think I am going to have to bide my time until I can save some money, try and sort things out with DH and if not then I will be in a position to try and find somewhere else for me and the DC's to live.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 19/04/2010 20:55

have you ever taken any legal advice ?

TDiddy · 19/04/2010 20:57

This could wreck your relationship as I am sure you realise. I think that you to tell him that you will respect his wish not to have another baby but that it would hurt you very much if he did this irreversible operation.

Original poster

ShadeofViolet · 19/04/2010 20:57

No I havent, I wouldnt even know where to go TBH.

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 19/04/2010 20:57

Ok, well a pension is a start.

While he is away, take some time to think. And use the opportunity to have a rumage, find out what his income is and get hold of some bank statements.
At least then you are prepared.

AnyFucker · 19/04/2010 20:59

You just look someone up in the phonebook. Ask them if they will give you th first consultation free (some, specialising in family law, will do so.....they understand how things can be)

Arm yourself with some knowledge of how he will have to support you should you split

For many, many women, just taking that step has empowered them to stop putting up with substandard treatemnt by their spouses

He will shit himself

I am really that you would be so passive and make decisions about your future without fully exploring your options

Original poster

ShadeofViolet · 19/04/2010 21:00

TDiddy - but I agreed to him having the Vasectomy because I thought it would change him and make him see that I do mean it when I say I dont want any more children. I agreed not to have anymore to save my marriage and he suggested the snip because it was under his control. I even went to his appointment with his and said I agreed to him having it, the Doctor told me how sad it was that we were not having sex at the moment (I told her when she asked what current method we were using) and I felt like crying

OP posts:

minipie · 19/04/2010 21:02

Hang on all. There are obviously some deep rooted issues here (he is in many ways behaving like a selfish controlling ar*e) but isn't it a bit quick to jump from there to "get a divorce lawyer?"

Shade, have you tried talking to him about all this? Not just the lack of trust over baby number 4... but also the unequal treatment sex wise... and (especially)the lack of time he spends with the family?

If so, what does he say?

Mumcentreplus · 19/04/2010 21:06

...Shade...how do you really feel about him?...don't think about how others will judge you based on what has already happened or what your partner has already done...what do you 'want' to happen in your relationship?...honestly

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