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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Confused, angry & upset

94 replies

Daisypops · 19/04/2010 09:45

My relationship with DP has been rocky for about 4 years. I decided to call it off for the final time 2 weeks ago. He is a serial cheater. I dont actually know he sleeps with them, though I suspect he does, he seems to like the chase and attention, but the trust is just gone and the torment is too much for me to take. He has been violent once in the past when he was drunk and there are countless other reasons why i called it a day.

We have a 3 yo daughter who he hasnt seen for 3 weeks now.

He text me last week and told me he is considering a job offer at the other side of the world and he has to decide in a week and he will let me know. Since then I have felt all emotions possible. I just cant get my head around the fact he can leave his 3 yo. His mum left him when he was 11 and he hasnt spoken to her since!

I am angry, upset, bitter, sad, guilty for my little girl etc. I think I just need to come on here and vent. I am exhausted with it all and too emotional to speak to my friends about it.

OP posts:

Fliight · 19/04/2010 09:49

God, you poor thing

This is really shocking.

I'm so sorry for you.

The first thing that strikes me is that this is a very, very angry bloke, probably going back to his own mother leaving him and he' taking that all out on you without you having done a single thing to deserve it.

Hope you feel able to keep talking on here, and that it helps you get a bit of peace through this situation. xx

mrsboogie · 19/04/2010 09:59

yeah, I agree with previous poster - a lot of this will be down to unresolved issues to do with the mother leaving and, despite appearances, he probably doesn't like women very much.

You did noting to cause this situation and you can do nothing to change it.

Hopefully your daughter is young enough to get over his absence without too much trauma. If he is considering going to the other side of the world just like that he probably wouldn't be a very reliable non-resident parent and would no doubt let her down repeatedly if he stayed around.

Fliight · 19/04/2010 10:06

That's true MrsBoogie.

I don't know if it's any comfort to realise he is using those other women very badly...I'd put money on them meaning zilcho to him, he's punishing every woman he can find for what his mum did, whichw as in his mind unforgiveable.

I bet he treats them like rubbish, too.
Have you got anyone around to support you, if he goes? Family, good friends etc.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 19/04/2010 10:08

He's manipulating you. He probably wants you to reply "Don't go! What about our daughter?!!"

Instead, calmly point out that if he goes, you wish him well, but that this will be his choice and his decision. You will not influence it, you will not comment on its wisdom. He is an adult who knows that this decision will render him an absent father.

Original poster

Daisypops · 19/04/2010 13:08

Yes Fliight I have a lovely family and some great friends.I am from a very loving close family so we cant understand how he could just leave his little girl. I even question whether he loves her, which is very sad. All my family think hes a loser and I am better off without him which I know I am but I still love him. It frustrates me because I dont know why I love him. Hes not nice to me and doesnt want us.

In the past I have thought his experience with his mum has made him how he is with me,its like he resents ALL women. He cant even look at my mum and he refuses to be in her company yet she has done nothing wrong. I have told him before maybe if he forgave his mum he would feel better and I have even said he should get help for it but he dismisses it and says hes ok.

I think his behaviour is down to his mum leaving but if he wont help himself theres no hope is there?

OP posts:

Fliight · 19/04/2010 13:13

Spot on, sadly. If he won't get help to acknowledge and lessen these HUGE issues, he will be of no use to man or beast, regarding relationships.

It's really sad because probably among the problems there is the potential for a nice bloke - but that doesn't mean the potential will ever be realised.

Let him go, I think, because he might do better at 'finding himself' if he is away from the situations he has struggled with so badly

Sad for your daughter but in a way it might be less hurtful than dealing with the inevitable rejecting behaviour she's likely to get if he is nearby.

I'm glad your family will look out for you, though. And you're allowed to love him, but don't let it trick you into believing you have any control over how he behaves, either short term or long term.

Original poster

Daisypops · 19/04/2010 19:15

Its so sad. Every night when my little girl is asleep I cry for her and for me. I just feel so let down and disappointed.

I am still heartbroken over splitting up with him this was just an extra blow I didnt need. The thought of him with another woman is unbearable. I wake up in the night thinking about it, going through it in great detail in my head, I end up crying and feeling sick.

I feel so low, but on the other hand I feel free, because I wont have the torment of wondering who he texting, seeing behind my back etc. I also feel like I have set him free, to do as he pleases.

OP posts:

Original poster

Daisypops · 19/04/2010 20:48

I have done an STI test today and sent it off to be tested. He gave me an STI once before so I want to be sure I havent got anything again. That in itself should have been enough for me to leave him.

I am embarassed that I stayed with him for so long, but it just seemed the right thing to do for DD. Now the right thing to do is leave him.

OP posts:

Goodadvice1980 · 19/04/2010 20:48

I know it hurts now, but in time I think you will see that you have had a lucky escape.

You will go on to meet someone else who will respect you AND your beautiful dc.

Trust me when I say one thing; having an EA as a father is horrific. Your dc will thank you for making this brave decision. I wish my mum had ....

Thinking of you x

MadamDeathstare · 19/04/2010 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 19/04/2010 20:56

I think it is wrong to say he is abandoning his dd because his mother left him. Sorry but that just doesn't sit with an adulterer.

Let him go but tell him he will have to explain to his dd why he left her when and if she goes looking for him when she is older.

Original poster

Daisypops · 19/04/2010 21:23

Whats an EA Goodadvice?

OP posts:

Original poster

Daisypops · 19/04/2010 21:26

I dont think he is abandoning our daughter because his mother did it to him I think he is very messed up as a result of what his mother did. But as my mum says whats in the cats is in the kittens! So maybe its in his blood. His dad also left the area when EXDP was 18 and joined the Navy. He has very little contact with his dad.

OP posts:

unavailable · 19/04/2010 21:38

My first thought on reading your first post was - he's lying about the job offer, just hoping to elicit a response/punish you.

Original poster

Daisypops · 19/04/2010 21:47

Hi unavailable, I have thought that too. I dont know whether he has been offered a job or not. But why would he say it to punish me? I havent done anything wrong!

I can understand that he might do it to see what reaction/response he gets from me. I just told him hes like his mum. But I didnt tell him not to go and say he couldnt leave us.

What I dont understand is why you would leave your child when you were so hurt by your parent leaving you? If you know what it feels like surely you wouldnt put your own child through it. You'd stick around and be the opposite? And it angers me that he refuses to speak to his mother because she left yet hes doing the same to a 3 yo. Its just beyond belief in my book.

Part of mem hopes he does go. It will be easier for me and DD.

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 19/04/2010 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

unavailable · 19/04/2010 21:59

Yes, I think MadameDeath is right. He also may hope it will bring about a reconciliation.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 20/04/2010 07:42

What's in the cat is in the kittens does not always ring true. He is an adult making his own choices and he is choosing to be a shit to you. Let him go, hell, help him pack.

Katisha · 20/04/2010 08:04

Let him go. His past may be a contributory factor in his behaviour but it doesn't excuse it. He is an adult.
Let him go and build your own life up and that of your DD. The fact that he can't even be bothered to be civil to your mother is a very bad sign I reckon. It's all about him isn't it.

teaandcakeplease · 20/04/2010 08:27

My H cheated on me and is also threatening to now move far away from his children and also suffered an absent parent as a child.

I've cried a lot but over the last few months and support from mumsnet people I've started to adjust and come out the other side. Let him go, do as whenwillifeelnormal says. She is very wise. The pain will take time to heal but in some ways your DD and you with the love of your own family around you, may actually do better with the less influence he has in your life from the sounds of it. I too wanted my H to be here for his children but have been learning recently to let him go. In retrospect I can now see things clearer and am feeling happier and more at peace since I let him go and no longer wonder where he is, who he is with etc and sleep better at night than I used to by miles. As someone said to me on my thread:

"The message we send to our daughters when we sell ourselves short by accepting far far less than we should can have a profound impact in how they see themselves as women and their expectations from relationships.

You do your children no favours by perpetuating a situation in which their father figure is unrealiable and dishonest....

At the least, they will understand that their mother values herself too highly to be treated poorly, and this is a far greater example to set for them."

This was by someone called Rycie and it often comes to mind. Hope it can help you too. I hope you don't mind me giving a little of my story.

Sending you very un mn hugs x

muddychipmunk · 20/04/2010 10:28

Daisypops

I do hope that this man hasn't been playing mind games - if he has a job offer then the scenario is one thing but if he's making it up, then its a whole lot worse. Then, I tried to work out if my advice would be any different - and I figured probably not. This man knows the damage that parents leaving can do to a child, and he's threatening / actually choosing to do this to your child. Neither you or your DD need that!

I really hope that you're feeling clearer about what you're going to do. I'm sure that you will manage supremely well without this man messing you around.

Original poster

Daisypops · 20/04/2010 18:03

Tea and cakes, I read your thread yesterday and I am sorry you are in a similar situation to me. Its just terrible. WWIFN is very wise. For me trying to understand why he was unfaithful was a difficult one. He had it all here, a good partner, a beautiful little girl etc etc but he still cheated on me with some scabby, loose tart from work. I can see the reasons why they might do it but I still dont get fully understand. They are a different breed.

Muddychipmunk, I'm low at the moment but feeling quite relieved in a way. He text me again last night and said 'will you please let me know your both ok????' I have ignored it.

If he has lied about the job offer its still completely over. I dont want someone who plays mind games like that espec when a 3 yo is involved. I have given this man as many as 30 chances over the last 4 years. I am worn out emotionally with it all.

OP posts:

teaandcakeplease · 20/04/2010 18:07

I don't blame you. You're being very strong x

Original poster

Daisypops · 21/04/2010 10:26

I feel sick with it all today. I dont understand how he can leave DD.

Im also upset because I wanted another baby soon, he said we could and now look at us. I am depsperate for another. Although I understand he isnt the right one to have another baby with my desire it still there.

I am frusrated with myself for still loving him. I am mad that this upset is consuming every second of my life at the moment, when it shouldnt be becuase I can see him for what he is but I still feel extremely sad and rejected.

OP posts:

flabbymummyof2climbingboys · 21/04/2010 12:08

I think it must be natural to feel upset and some mixed emtions, but you are being really strong and hopefully it will get easier at time goes on. x

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