Confused, angry & upset

[Daisypops]

My relationship with DP has been rocky for about 4 years. I decided to call it off for the final time 2 weeks ago. He is a serial cheater. I dont actually know he sleeps with them, though I suspect he does, he seems to like the chase and attention, but the trust is just gone and the torment is too much for me to take. He has been violent once in the past when he was drunk and there are countless other reasons why i called it a day.

We have a 3 yo daughter who he hasnt seen for 3 weeks now.

He text me last week and told me he is considering a job offer at the other side of the world and he has to decide in a week and he will let me know. Since then I have felt all emotions possible. I just cant get my head around the fact he can leave his 3 yo. His mum left him when he was 11 and he hasnt spoken to her since!

I am angry, upset, bitter, sad, guilty for my little girl etc. I think I just need to come on here and vent. I am exhausted with it all and too emotional to speak to my friends about it.

Tea I havent got counselling. I just cry when I talk about it. I cried when I read your post. I would be embarassed because I sob like a mad woman.

My family and friends are been wonderful, ven told my lovely neighbour today, i think talking about it helps you hear them say things and you realise what you put up with isnt right.

I told my friend at work today and she had to get a chair to sit down! My poor mum is exhausted with it, shes ringing me all the time to see how I am.

Its so hard. I feel relieved in a way but destroyed in an other way.

I cried the whole way through my last counseling session. It's why there's a box of tissues beside the chair I think.

If you feel you can talk to friends for now and family. That's fine. For me there did come a point where I recognised I needed to stop talking to my friends about it and seek professional help. IYSWIM? But where you're at right now, is OK too.

Glad you're letting good friends know, so they can support you in real life

Are you sleeping ok?

I am sleeping ok apart from saturday night, when he text me to tell me, I got about 2 hours then woke up at 3am was awake til 5.30 and decided to take a sleeping tablet, then slept will 8.30.

I sometimes feel ok but at night when DD is asleep I feel it the most, thats when I save my tears for.

I questioned today whether he loved dd. I dont think he can? I feel sad for her, she deserves a daddy thats there for her.

No one I have told can believe it. They are all speechless and cant understand how he can leave us both.

I have to accept that I can change him and we will not be together. Its very bitter pill to swallow but I have to do it. What doesnt kill you makes you stronger, or so they say.

Thanks tea, knowing your here and have been thru something similar helps me. Knowing other people are going thru the same is comforting in an odd way. xxx

Hi Daisy, I think you might well benefit from some counselling. Because at some point you have been taught the idea that 'love' (ie romantic couplehood) is more important than anything else, is difficult and dramatic but 'love wins through'.
Otherwise you would be jumping for joy at having got rid of this selfish, unkind whanger of a man.
Remember that he is quite happy to hurt his own DD's feelings and disappoint her in order to manipulate you. What he wants is for you to be constantly waiting for him and desperate to please him, hence the throwing of crumbs alternating with threats and nastiness. Offer him reasonable access to DD but cut all contact between him and yourself to an absoulte minimum.
YOU can and will get over this. Best of luck.

I always like SGB's advice. At some point you do need to look into counseling. It took me 5 months to pluck up the courage after separation. The GP can refer you (I think) if you have a chat with them. But it is really helping me a lot.

Daisy you can come on mumsnet anytime you need to, there's plenty of people on here who you can share with anytime you need to and me of course. Although I'm not as wise as some on here.

I can completely understand why you woke and couldn't sleep after his text When I finally knew it was truly over with my H, I had problems sleeping that night. I think your mind is too busy churning it all over at times like that.

How are you coping in the day with DD? Do you get time off, does a family member come and help? I found my tolerance level and patience with my children severely dropped when things went pear shaped with my H and I found myself shouting far more easily at them. That then compounded my guilt as I was trying so hard to be a "good" mummy as their daddy wasn't being what they needed, I wanted to make it all up to them by being this perfect parent (which of course is impossible) so everytime I lost my rag with them, I felt even guiltier about everything. I should have spoken to my health visitor and arranged home start help for a while. But I was too proud. But my DCs did watch a lot of tv whilst I was in that place you're in now. It was how I coped to be honest. You maybe coping far better than I did. But I wanted you to know how I felt at that stage.

Daisy. I endorse the suggestion of counselling.

The trouble with loving someone, even someone who isn't worthy of love, is that it's impossible to switch it off overnight. I think we all have two sides of ourselves, the rational and the irrational. We are at our happiest when both sides are in sync.

I think you have to think of this love you feel for him as irrational. The rational side of you caused you to make your very brave decision, so you need to nurture that and constantly challenge the irrational side of you. At some point in the future, you will look back and shake your head that you ever felt this much love for someone so undeserving. That's the point where the irrational and rational are in sync again.
Whereas you will never look back and think leaving was irrational. Hold on to that thought.

I think this man is punitive, in addition to his many character flaws. I still don't entirely believe this story about him leaving the country on 14 June and tbh, whether that is true or not, no emotionally intelligent adult conveys that message by text. I think it was designed to hurt you and punish you for finally asserting yourself and kicking him in to touch.

Please go back to my first response on this thread. You must tell him that his leaving the country will be his choice and that you assume he realises the consequences. But please don't let him think that you are devastated by this, because that's just what he wants you to feel. It is unspeakably cruel to your DD, but then again, so was hitting her mother and cheating on her, so no surprises there.

Men who were abandoned by their mothers and have received no help processing their emotions very often punish any woman they are subsequently involved with. They make terrible fathers, often becoming cruel and dismissive of daughters and unbearably macho and brutal with sons. You have become his mother punchbag, in effect. Try and celebrate every day that you have decided not to be that punch bag any longer - and that you cannot and should not rescue or mother this man. Pity his next victim.

Thank you VERY much for posting WWIFN everything you say makes perfect sense.

I feel Ive had a lucky escape and I expect its just a matter of time before the penny drops and I stop loving him.

I am going to pluck up the courage to go see my GP next week and ask to be referred. I will be embarassed at telling any professional what hes done to me over the 5 years. I think they'll think Im a stupid weak woman.

I keep coming on to re read everyones post, they are getting em thru the days. Nights are worst, Im really struggling at the moment when it gets to tea time I feel myself sinking.

Tea, my dad is retired now so he is coming up most days and keeping me company and helping with DD. I feel myself not wanting to play with her et because I dont have the concentration span but then Im wracked with guilt (this adds to my upset at night)

The one thing that makes me really upset is when I think of when she was born and how happy we were and when she was a baby and he held her and was really proud when we were showing her off to family Its like it wasnt real.

Thanks so much again for all your advice, I look forward to coming on and getting strength from all your comments. xxx

Daisy, you're not stupid and weak. The thing is, most of us expect to be treated with kindness and fairness because, really, most people are reasonably kind and fair. So we find it hard to believe when someone who professes to love us, or who is nice some of the time, begins to treat us unkindly and unfairly, we make excuses for them, try to work out what we could do to make the person love us again and be nice to us it's part of human hardwiring to trust, to be kind. Unfortunately some people are not wired that way.

I told DP (by text, cant face hearing his voice) that he isnt to come to my house and if he wants to see DD he has to make arrangements with my mum, which he will hate as e has a problem with her too, for no apparent reason. I am now starting to wonder when he will go and if hes already gone and if he will say goodbye to DD at all.

My neighbour knows the girl that went out with him before me and she said she was besotted with him but he treat her as he is treating me, not entirely sure which aspect of it she meant, cheating, mind games, selfishness or abandonment but sounds like I arent the first and wont be the last.

He hasnt seen DD for 2 weeks now and 1 week of that we have been abroad on holiday. He has seriously detached himself hasnt he? Like WWIFN said hes been cruel and dismissive to her.

The only way is up, thank god for my family, friends and mnetters.

WWIFN-have you been thru something similar, you are very wise. Your advise made me nod and smile because it made so much sense.

You're being very strong Daisy

WWIFN was a big help on my original thread too.

Hi Daisy - I don't have the wisdom of experience that wwifn and others have but I'm a gp and never feel someone in your situation is weak for asking for counselling but in fact that they are strong for having the balls to ask for help.

Feel absolutely shocking today. Woke up feeling sick. You know when theres a split second when you wake up and everything is ok, then it dawns on you whats happening and you sink away. I feel utterly terrible.

There is so many issues for me to deal with. Him leaving DD, leaving me, him getting someone else, accepting that another child wont happen, me eventually meeting someone new,all the questions dd will have as she grows up Im frightened that time is running out for me to have another child. I hate him for it. He was never really sold on the idea of kids so i just wish he'd been honest with me years ago Im frightened that when my mum and dad arent here anymore I will have no one to help or support me. My friends although all wonderful have good partners/husbands, families and busy lives. I know I should deal with each day but I cant help thinking ahead and trying to deal with whats coming.

I am boring myself now and I am depressed at been in this hole when I have had a lucky escape.

Daisy you've still got plenty of time to meet someone else. Try not to worry (easier said than done). Take each day as it comes right now. Don't think too far ahead. That's what I do. As for waking and realising what he has done, I wish I could say something here that would solve everything but I can tell you that I've now been separated from my H for 6 months and I now don't wake feeling that way everyday

All my friends are settled, happily married etc. It's hard not to compare but I am now more content than I've been in a long time and right now have no wish to date any man at all but would rather just be me and my 2 DCs. I'm sure eventually that'll change but right now I am content. I know you will get there too Daisy. You will, just put one step in front of the other right now. Let your DD watch a little CBeebies so you can relax and get out and about for some fresh air and sunshine, as that helps me. My post isn't as wise as some but I do know that one day you will be free of this place you're in right now. Be kind to yourself and don't over-do it right now, don't expect too much of yourself. You're doing well x

Allsorts is going thru my mind.

I was wondering today if I should write to Ex p's work and complain to them for giving employees the opportunity to leave the country!!!!! Sounds daft but if it wasnt for them he wouldnt be going and my DD would still have a daddy in the UK. I know its his choice but I suppose I want someone to blame and am feeling angry.

Tea- how do i contact you by e-mail? Never done it before from here?

Contact poster in the right hand corner of each of my posts.

I wouldn't contact Company. You're just feeling very , naturally as you said. I used to think about ringing the OW parents and saying, do you know what your daughter is doing? LOL

Tea- hes been in touch with my mum by text and asked if he can see DD on friday after 2pm, she just replied 'ok'. Feel sick thinking about it.

The thought crossed my mind today if I hadnt ended it with him would he still be going. My mum got me thinking because she said 'well you told him you didn't want him'. Stupidly I wonder if I should have just put up with all the torment and never seeing him and I wouldnt be going through this now. Daft I know. So I am sort of questioning if I made the right decision, then I thought god its my fault my DD wont have a daddy around

Daisy the older your child gets, the more she'd be screwed up by him. It's a bit blunt. But honey he's a serial adulterer and you've suffered DV! That is no environment for a child to grow up in

You're 26? You have a whole life ahead of you without that man and it is rubbish that he has chosen to work abroad BUT in the long term it may help you to move on quicker. Even though you feel guilty right now about the situation. You will meet another man (I like to think) who will love and treat you like you deserve and be the role model and loving step dad your DD needs. Either way you and your DD will be better without him. You didn't make him choose this job abroad, he chose it and it just goes to show the type of man he is quite frankly. You deserve better, now stop punishing yourself! You've made the right choice on leaving him. He hasn't by going abroad but you didn't make him do that.

That's my opinion and I'm sticking with it

Eat some chocolate, grab a glass of wine and put your feet up. You deserve it!

Thanks for kicking me in to touch tea!!

Does my profile say Im 26? Im 29, 30 soon that depresses me too. Feels like times running out to have another dc.

I did make the right decision for me and for DD. Shes too precious to be brought up thinking hes normal!

Well I'm 32 this year and won't give up hope of meeting someone else. You shouldn't either

Yes your profile says 26 somewhere in it...

Daisy: did your mother bring you up to think that men are more important than women, and it's a woman's duty to catch and keep a man by servicing him? By any chance? Because most mothers' attitude to a bloke like this (unreliable, occasionally violent, utterly selfish) getting out of their DD's life would be 'Whoopee and good riddance'.

As to time running out, I had my DS at 39, completely unexpected and unplanned (ie didn't need any assistance to conceive) so don't worry about that too much.

SGB, my mum is saying good riddance. She thinks Im better off without him. She cant stand him and thinks he has a mental illness. My mum has been married twice and divorced both her husbands for different reasons. Its me that thinks everything has to be perfect. I dont know why, I suppose I always wanted to be married with kids in a big house at this age.

I have a lot to be lucky for. I was back at wotk today and all my colleagues have been really understand and made me feel much better. Feeling brighter tonight, hope it lasts.

Ex p saw DD today at my mums. He turned up when he was working he NEVER sees her in his own time, always when hes working.

He didnt say much. My mum said 'I bet he isnt even going away' I still think he is.

DD hasnt mentioned him since.

Glad its over though.

How you getting on Tea? How long did it take for your speration to stop been in your mind 24/7?

Today I was thinking about when he gets someone new and he has sex with her, allsorts was racing through my mins like will he be the same with her as he was with me and will he think of me. I have to tackle these thoughts dont i? Or should I put them out of my mind.

Have you been to GP and been referred to a waiting list for counseling? That will be a safe place to share these horrible thoughts I would try to keep busy whenever things like that enter your head tbh.

I am at peace and rarely think about H now, he has thrown me a massive curve ball this week, which I won't burden you with, but usually I am happy and content now. Bizarre but true. As for length I think it varies on what they're putting you through quite frankly

In the early days I spent hours on mumsnet or facebook and let my LO's watch a lot of tv. At night time if it wasn't the PC, I watched tv instead and only went to bed once tired, so I would just pass out. So I almost squashed all my feelings down and didn't think about them. Not healthy but it was the only way for me to get through each day. But everyone is different. You're doing well Daisy, you really are x

Hi tea, I have rung my GP and they are calling me back.

I feel dreadful. As the days go on I seem to be feeling worse. I think I am depressed. I have concentration span. Took DD to the park yesterday and I was so uninterested then I felt terrible.

I am miserable.

Today we havent done anything. I have worked from home for a couple of hours and my dad came up and occupied dd. I think we're going to bake a cake thia aft.

I am going out for tea tonight with my friend whos visiting from USA (shes pregnant ) I dont know how it will go because I am terrible company and really not in the mood.

I have heard nothing from ex p, he may have gone already for all I know. His parting words to DD on Friday when he saw her at my mums were 'be good for your mum and your nan'

Every day is a battle. I imagine he will turn up and say he isnt going and he wants us to try again, I imagine he goes but then comes back and says he wants us. But at the bottom of my heart I know he doesnt want us. And why the hell do I want him, hes awful, he lies, cheats and doesnt want us. So why am I feeling as bad as I do.

I am so sorry for repeating what Ive said before. I just dont seem to be feeling any better and I thought I would.

I cant even eat, I am hungry but theres nothing I want, I feel permanently queasy. I am on the verge of tears for the whole day.

Oh Daisy

I'm so sorry, it is natural to feel as you do, glad you've been in contact with GP. This stage is one of the hardest you have to walk through; on the loss of a relationship. Some people do go on anti depressants for a while, just to help cope and take the edge off.

I didn't myself but I do have a lot of RL friends to confide in. Hope you do too?

Counseling is also a great way (Tea harping on again) to work through this difficult and painful time.

You can almost walk through the same stages as bereavement in some ways. This stage "there can be the feeling of listlessness and tiredness. You may be wandering around in a daze, thinking that you are feeling numb. You may be bursting helplessly into tears, seemingly for no reason. Feeling like there is no purpose to life any more. Feeling guilty, as if everything is your own fault. You may find you feel like you are being punished. Pleasure and joy can be difficult to achieve, even from things and activities which you have always gained delight. There are many ways it can manifest itself." (stolen this bit from bereavement stages website) Just be gentle with yourself daisy. Keep chasing GP or book appointment if they do not get back to you. Take all help offered where possible and try and get out and feel sunshine for you and DD.

You'll be glad you met up with your friend tonight once there. Have a big glass of wine and just sit, you don't have to talk, let them talk and enjoy being out.

Thinking of you x