Confused, angry & upset

[Daisypops]

My relationship with DP has been rocky for about 4 years. I decided to call it off for the final time 2 weeks ago. He is a serial cheater. I dont actually know he sleeps with them, though I suspect he does, he seems to like the chase and attention, but the trust is just gone and the torment is too much for me to take. He has been violent once in the past when he was drunk and there are countless other reasons why i called it a day.

We have a 3 yo daughter who he hasnt seen for 3 weeks now.

He text me last week and told me he is considering a job offer at the other side of the world and he has to decide in a week and he will let me know. Since then I have felt all emotions possible. I just cant get my head around the fact he can leave his 3 yo. His mum left him when he was 11 and he hasnt spoken to her since!

I am angry, upset, bitter, sad, guilty for my little girl etc. I think I just need to come on here and vent. I am exhausted with it all and too emotional to speak to my friends about it.

I have had to let go of my dreams for a 3rd baby with my H. It was one of the things that I found hardest of letting go and moving on bizarrely enough. But when I listed all the things about him that were positive and negative and all the things I wanted in my H and father of my children and future children, I realised I had to let go of the dream, as that dream certainly wasn't reality with my H IYSWIM?

I've gone through various stages on the end of our marriage, such as denial, anger, bargaining with him etc. I think I'm finally coming round to acceptance. It's a hard path to walk Some days you feel OK, others just dreadful. Join a thread such as the one I'm on for lone parents, as it's a safe place to share everyday. It takes time to move on from the pain of something like this. Be patient with yourself and kind. You are still young enough to meet a man who would be wonderful and kind and a man of integrity, hold onto that in dark times. You deserve better Daisy and so does your DD.

I am on a waiting list for counselling and looking forward to it in a strange way now.

Is there a womens centre near you that you could go into to have a chat with them about everything?

I will have to let go. I find that I cant even look at pictures of DD when she was a baby and when I see pregnant women I am jealous . DD said today 'I want a real baby' it was difficult not to cry.

Coming on here and knowing people understand and have and are going thru the same is helping me bucket loads. I cant see my family at the moment, I feel too low and they will tell me to snap out of it because he is a loser, but they dont love him.

I will look around for a womens centre, not sure on that one. I am also thinking maybe one day I will find a nice man who loves me and DD.

Is your EXH going abroad tea and cakes?

No just many hours drive away (if he goes ahead with it).

I've had to take all pictures down of us as a family. Change anything that reminds me of him.

A lot of my friends have just had their 3rd babies and it hurts a lot

You will meet a good man and have more children. You have many years ahead of you. Keep reminding yourself of that. A serial adulterer is no role model for your LO's x

Tea and cakes your advice is helping me a lot. I keep coming on to read this...

"The message we send to our daughters when we sell ourselves short by accepting far far less than we should can have a profound impact in how they see themselves as women and their expectations from relationships.

You do your children no favours by perpetuating a situation in which their father figure is unrealiable and dishonest....

At the least, they will understand that their mother values herself too highly to be treated poorly, and this is a far greater example to set for them."

Like you a lot of my friends are pregnant or have just had babies. I find it extremely hard. I was hoping I would have my 2nd now . Some days I even think my desire for one is so strong I dont care if its with him

It's very hard, every time I see my good friend and her baby girl (her 3rd baby) it hurts, but I do absolutely love her and her new bubba

Do you have anything nice planned for today? Weather looks great here.

dont have any advice that hasnt already been offered, but wanted to say how much of a better role model you will be to your daughter by not accepting his behaviour and staying with him. in time im sure you will find someone who loves you both, in the way it should be. stay strong xx

Just wanted to update, exdp has been in touch and said he misses DD. I explained that just because I dont have anything to do with him it doesnt mean he cant see DD. I have never and would never stop him seeing her. But sadly he has chosen not to see her.

Moving away to the other side of the world hasnt been mentioned since 2 weeks ago. Makes me wonder if he made it up

Tonight he saod if moving on is easy for me he doesnt want me anyway and he deserves better. WT......

He hasnt seen DD for a month now. Hes living 220 minute drive away?

Dont get it.

But Im ok. Realising someone who can go this long without seeing her isnt worth having.

How are you tean and cakes? Hope you are ok.

xxx

Meant he lives 20 mins away not 220!

Oh my word Daisy!

My H is a cheater and a liar but he has now backed down on moving away it appears, as he enjoys seeing DC's too much to live so far away.

The job maybe a lie, I feel like he is playing mind games with you Trying to get a reaction out of you with what he says. I find his attitude disturbing and you really are better off without him. You can vent anytime on here to me or my fellow dumplings on this thread.

I can't believe he hasn't seen his lovely DD for weeks and weeks.

Is there another woman involved again do you think?

Hi teaandcakes. There could be another woman involved. He likes to have his ego preened and the first throws of romance, you know when its all rosey and nice. He likes the flirting and banter so I suspect like before he has many female friends on MSN he has never actually met he just 'chats' to. Not sure if hes met them or not. He sort of had a secret life, but he was no good at it because I always found bits out. The girl he went out with was from his work. I found messages on his phone from her and threw him out, this was about 2 years ago. He confessed that he'd been out with her twice but 'it didn't feel right' so he stopped it. I didnt believe him. I think it went on longer and he slept with her because round about that time he was VERY distant, out all night saying he was at work but came home in his casual clothes (he has a uniformed job). So, I think he possibly has other 'interests' but not a full on other woman.

How are you feeling?

Oh Daisy don't worry about me. My divorce petition was signed and sent back today to solicitor. I'm in the full throws of ditching him now

I'm far far more worried about you

I am feeling much better this week teaanccakes. He isnt worth having. And I just keep thinking I dont want my DD growing up thinking how he is and our relationship was normal becuase its not. She doesnt miss him, I dont. I miss what I wanted him to be I think. But I am feeling much better than last week. Believe it or not he just text me and said 'do you fancy going out for a meal?' I really dont get him? I would much rather he took DD out for an hour.

Good news re your divorce petition. Lets hope it goes smoothly. You sound really positive. We really are better off without them. xxx

Hmmmm I'd reply and say I don't think that's appropriate (if it was me) but I'd love you to spend some family time with your DD.

But maybe that's just me

How are you Daisy?

tea and cakes, are you around? EXDP called unannounced yest and it has set me back. I was just starting to feel better

He was going on about the place hes been offered a job at to DD. Saying 'would you like to swim in the blue sea?' I asked if all that was still rolling on and he said he's thinking about it. I said I thought you had to decided within a week and thats what you said on text and he said 'yeah they've extended it'. He went on to ask if me and DD would go visit. I said no. I am moving on and if he wants to see her he will have to come here. He said he wuld pay for our tickets.

He then said the salary is double what hes onnow and tax free and he could afford to go halves for DD to go in to private education. I couldnt believe what i was hearing. I asked him to leave, he did and i cried. He was trying to justify going by saying he could afford private ed. I arent bothered about her going private. I've got her in a good school. He also asked if we would get Skype so he could speak to her. I said no. He said we would see more of him if he lived abroad because when he came home he would have to stay with us. At this point I couldnt quite believe what I was hearing.

I am so pissed off that he has set me back and made me sad again.

I dont know if all this is just a silly game hes playing or if hes genuine. Either way I dont want him.

Hope you are ok t&c. xxxx

He sounds like he's living in a fantasy land. I mean honestly: "staying with you when visiting"????

Oh babe, I have to say my H fed me a few lines like this and it was all a lie. But maybe it's not with yours But it must really hurt, as you WANT him to have a good relationship with his DD and see her regularly. Skype is not the same and may actually make her miss him more.

Private education is a nice thought (if real) but what she needs is her daddy not a good education

This also is probably hurting, as it just brings it home that you may never get back together and it's over for good. There's always a little bit of hope in the back of the mind isn't there?

Sending you huge huge hugs lady x

He sounds like a nut case.

Are you ok Daisy? You can send me a private message to my e-mail if you ever want to chat off mumsnet.

Thanks t&c. Im ok. Just in a bit of a dream with it all at the moment. Fed up of feeling low. My head knows we wont ever work but I still love him and want him. Its annoying me, I wish I could just snap out of it.

He is in a fantasy land. He was smirking when he was saying it all, like he was trying to wind me up and get a reaction.

I was a mess when he left. I felt sick, angry, upset. Its just awful.

He said will I still be his girlf if he goes. I said no and if he does go that will be it. The only contact we will have is to discuss access to DD. He said if I havent got anyone else in 6 months will I be his girlf. He is seriously deluded.

Part of me thinks its all cut and dried and hes going and has a date to go etc. But part of me thinks its a lie hes dragging on. Also when he told me it coincided with me and DD going away on holiday, like he was trying to spoil it. That holiday was cancelled because of the volnanci ash. Just so happens the closing date for 'the job' is the day we fly back from hols?!!! Makes me wonder if hes timed it all to ruin my holiday.

I told him private ed means nothing and what she needs is her dad. And time with her dad is more important than what any school can offer. He didnt get that?

I dont know what goes on in his head but I know he wont be feeling how Im feeling.

I have my holiday to focus on and lovely DD.

xxx

He was smirking when he was saying it all

I'm and

He's a wally, a serial adulterer and is trying to manipulate you.

Perhaps you should seek legal advice and look into arranging contact times and maintenance etc legally? If on benefits you'd be eligible for legal aid.

How goes things with your H?

teaandcakes-hes going. 14 th June. He just text to tell me. I am shocked, angry, upset, feel sick. I just dont understand

Oh babe, he's a serial adulterer. Just remember that. Your life and your baby's will probably be a lot more stable without him. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but you will find peace and acceptance over time and your life will be better. You will meet someone else and you will be content again.

You've had 4 years of a very difficult relationship and goodness knows how many years together as a whole. It will take you time to move on and it is a bitter blow what he has chosen to do, as it means his child will not grow up to know him (apart from maybe a visit when in the country from time to time) but it is his decision. His choice and one day he will regret it.

I'm so sorry.

How are you feeling today? I've been a bit busy and not on mumsnet much in the last few days.

tea, I dont think he will live to regret it.He will get his new life and forget about us.

I know hes wrong for me but I still love him. I wish something would just click and the cloud would lift.

I feel low today. We were on holiday abroad last week got back on friday and he text me to tell me on saturday. I think hes known for weeks. The holiday did me good, I dont think I would be handling it half as well if I hadnt gone on it.

So sorry for dd, him and me. Feel like Ive been hit by a bus. I am dreading the 14 June, the run up to it will be awful. The day he goes will be horrendous. Ive told him he has to see DD at my mums and not come to my house, they day he says goodbye (if he does) will be unbearable, i will have to leave DD there knowing whats coming and go occupy myself until its over.

Last night i told DD i loved her, she said it back then said 'and i love my daddy, do you love my daddy?' I didnt answer. I didnt know what to say. I told her that daddy is moving away to work. Then the bloody john lewis ad came on and i was a wreck

I still love my H, despite everything he's done

It's very hard when the child asks questions like that. I struggle too. You say the "right" things but it sticks in your throat as you say them and you taste bile in your mouth and in your head you think, surely if he loved her he wouldn't do this?

I'm so sorry Daisy Have you got yourself some counseling? I go weekly and find it helps me to talk about it all to someone.