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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH and money advice please

82 replies

bumpsoon · 13/04/2010 15:11

Right bit of background ,been married nearly 7 years ,have a son from a previous relationship ,son doesnt see his father ,never had maintenance etc . have two children with my dh. For the last 7 years my dh has been giving me £100 a week housekeeping , he also pays all the bills/rent ,which comes to about £700 a month max . We own our car outright and he has a company car , we dont have expensive holidays and our house is cheaply furnished . I have just sent him an email asking for a raise in housekeeping to £200 a week . My dh earns £55k ,is this an unreasonable sum to ask for ? i buy 99% of the kids clothes etc ,pay the milkman ,window cleaner and it costs me £22.50 a week in school dinners /bus fares . He also has a sideline where he makes enough to usually pay for an annual holiday ,about £1000 or thereabouts ,although i do most of the grunt work asscoiated with this sideline .I buy the majority of my clothes from the charity shops and tbh he has way more clothes etc then me . I also do all the household chores and all what i would class as man jobs ,ie going to the tip ,putting the rubbish and recycling out ,gardening ,cleaning the car etc So what do you think ? need ammo incase he gets arsey about it

OP posts:

Portofino · 13/04/2010 15:13

How about you have a joint account and access the money that you need? Large purchases on either part should obviously be agreed in advance......

rainbowinthesky · 13/04/2010 15:15

How much disposable income do you have after everything is paid at the moment? Can you afford the extra £200?

Hassled · 13/04/2010 15:17

You'd do better with more specific evidence - if you can sit him down with an itemised list of where the money goes - i.e. X amount at Tescos, X amount for these clothes etc - he can't argue that you're pissing the money away on tat.

But household income is income for the whole household - you shouldn't have to go cap in hand asking for more money. You're raising his kids and presumably cooking his meals - maybe you should also itemise how much you're saving him in childcare and housekeeping (hours you put in x minimum wage).

Original poster

bumpsoon · 13/04/2010 15:18

as i said bills and rent comes to approx £700 a month ,he gives me 400-500 a month for housekeeping ,i think but im not sure ,his net pay is around £2,800 a month

OP posts:

toddlerama · 13/04/2010 15:18

I probably would have talked to my DH rather than send him an email...you're a family, not a business partnership! Aside from that, on £55k with rent and bills totalling £700 you should have wiggle room for £200 'housekeeping'. We are firmly in the joint account camp though, so maybe I don't really get how it works.

ineedabodytransplant · 13/04/2010 15:20

I know I will get flamed for this but what the hell...

Sounds an even worse marriage than mine! I really am gobsmacked that you feel the need to ask strangers the question. Don't you two talk?

You had to email him to ask for more housekeeping!!??

Is he away, not contactable or is this the way you lead your lives? Do you have to make an appointment to see him?

Do married couples still live like this? I must really be dumb because even though my OH and I have our problems our money goes into a joint account. We trust each other with the money. I thought little wifey being given housekeeping went out decades ago.

I dare say he will get arsey, because to me is sounds a right arsehole.

Lulumaam · 13/04/2010 15:21

yikes ! on that sort of income, with bills and rent coming to £700 , i would not expect to be begging for an extra £100 a week.

if you get £100 a week and £22 is school dinners/fares, then you are left with £88 a week to by kids clothes, milk, and food?

if it includes the weekly shop, it is a low amount to be using for everything

Lulumaam · 13/04/2010 15:23

i do find this having to ask for more and justify it and be asking for ammo for the perfectly reasonable request is a bit odd

we have a joint account, always have done, DH does not question where the money goes.. if anythign i have a tighter reign on things and have made considerable cut backs...

if i felt i had to 'beg' for more money to pay for stuff for my children and myself, when there is a decent wage coming in, i would be questioning more than the money issue

Original poster

bumpsoon · 13/04/2010 15:23

Actually im not sure where the rest goes ? as i said we dont have expensive holidays , our dd does one activity a week which is swimming ,my ds does another which my parents pay for .When i said he has more clothes than me ,his arnt designer ,more sainsburys prices . We have seperate bank accounts ,when i work ,im on maternity at the moment , i get to keep mine ,although i tend to spend it on food ,petrol ,dog food , paying the dog walker ,childcare etc ,with the odd splurge in charity shops ,probably to the tune of £20 a week if there is anything really nice for the kids or house .

OP posts:

ineedabodytransplant · 13/04/2010 15:23

Lulumaam,

even worse

100-22 = £78!!

rainbowinthesky · 13/04/2010 15:25

I dont understand how it can work. Surely if you need more you just take more.

Malificence · 13/04/2010 15:25

And you don't have a joint account and take whatever you need from it because?......

Lulumaam · 13/04/2010 15:25

typo, honest guv !!

so that is definitely worse!

Lulumaam · 13/04/2010 15:26

bumpsoon, do you do the weekly shop out of your £100?

Collision · 13/04/2010 15:28

What a horrible way to be in a relationship!

I would never ask DH for money for food or things for the children.

Last week we were in M&S and I asked him if he minded if I bought some new towels. He looked at me as though I was mad and said 'why are you asking me? Buy them!'

We put everything into the joint account - my wages, his salary, CBenefit and buy things accordingly.

Tell your DH you want a joint account and a credit card and get what you need.

It sounds like he is the boss and you are a menial worker!

am truly

Original poster

bumpsoon · 13/04/2010 15:30

The £100 is for the weekly shop and everything else aswell . You are all right of course ,i know its pants . I sent an email because i get really emotional talking about money ,so i thought if i could write it down it would be easier ,oh and he is away too ! To be fair to my dh , his ex wife bankcruot him 25 years ago ,so he has many issues related to joint accounts ,basically she took out fraudulent loan in his name and then when he was in hospital having an operation she left him and took everything , he had a bit of a breakdown as a result . Also i am totally useless at asking for money for things ,i find it really demeaning ,so tend to wack it on my credit card ,that he doesnt know about ,so as a result im in debt ,i thought that if i had more housekeeping i could then pay off the debt even when i go back to work and pay out over half my salary in childcare .

OP posts:

Original poster

bumpsoon · 13/04/2010 15:31

sorry for all the typos ,jiggling baby

OP posts:

Lulumaam · 13/04/2010 15:33

you both have an issue then

he should not be thinking you will do the same as the ex, and lets face it, so far you have been managing for 7 years on £100 a week, which does not take into account growing family

and you should not be getting into debt behind his back

time for a long overdue talk about thigns

rainbowinthesky · 13/04/2010 15:33

No, it's not your debt, it's both your debts.
If you go to work, the childcare comes from your joint income.
You are not his ex wife and he needs to trust you.

You both need to be able to talk at length about this and get it sorted and out in teh open.

Collision · 13/04/2010 15:34

I think you need to sit him down and tell him about this.

You need to say that you know he has issues with joint accounts but that you are not his ex and you would never do what she did.

Could you start with a credit card and get the household bits on that and then he would see it at the end of each month and pay it off?

What is he like as a DH other than the money issue?

onadietcokebreak · 13/04/2010 15:35

Think you both need to sit down and sort things out and get a realistic budget.

mumblecrumble · 13/04/2010 15:38

SOrry, this arrangement is completely alien to me.

An email? Ammo?

Is this just a turn of phrase maybe?

Personally we see how much money each of us makes for the family (presently both but in the past either one of us) and divide on what we needed.

You would honestly have to prove where your outgoings are going to? I mean I do agree goin through your weekly budget together is a good idea if you need to double the housekeeping budget but these seems very reasonable to me.

Not in any way wanting to judge or anything like that but if I said to my hubby we need extra money as I'm not able to pay for what we need with the curent budget it simply would not be an issue. As he trusts me with OUR money.

To be honest he would (I just asked him what he would say and he said) "why would you even ask me....?"

Original poster

bumpsoon · 13/04/2010 15:40

the problem is when he met me i had just finished college ,as a single parent and had a few hundred pounds of debt which he paid off , i got into debt again about a year or so later ,basically trying to manage to cope on the £75 a week he used to give me and when i had dd i got no maternity leave pay as i hadnt worked for long enough . He got really angry with me and again paid it off , im worried if he finds out im in debt again ,about £5k worth, he will leave .But the debt is 7 years of school shoes ,uniforms ,coats , food ,bed linen , christmas presents , birthday presents , etc . Oh and other than a car seat ,ive bought everything for the baby we had ,most of it 2nd hand or from the charity shops .

OP posts:

rainbowinthesky · 13/04/2010 15:41

Sounds a horrendous situation to be in for you. It's not your fault but this sort of thing should have been discussed years ago.
I dont know what to advise but I am sure others will.

Anniegetyourgun · 13/04/2010 15:43

I'm beginning to see why the ex-wife ran away...

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