DH and money advice please

[bumpsoon]

Right bit of background ,been married nearly 7 years ,have a son from a previous relationship ,son doesnt see his father ,never had maintenance etc . have two children with my dh. For the last 7 years my dh has been giving me £100 a week housekeeping , he also pays all the bills/rent ,which comes to about £700 a month max . We own our car outright and he has a company car , we dont have expensive holidays and our house is cheaply furnished . I have just sent him an email asking for a raise in housekeeping to £200 a week . My dh earns £55k ,is this an unreasonable sum to ask for ? i buy 99% of the kids clothes etc ,pay the milkman ,window cleaner and it costs me £22.50 a week in school dinners /bus fares . He also has a sideline where he makes enough to usually pay for an annual holiday ,about £1000 or thereabouts ,although i do most of the grunt work asscoiated with this sideline .I buy the majority of my clothes from the charity shops and tbh he has way more clothes etc then me . I also do all the household chores and all what i would class as man jobs ,ie going to the tip ,putting the rubbish and recycling out ,gardening ,cleaning the car etc So what do you think ? need ammo incase he gets arsey about it

my dh earns 50k covers mortgage and rates i get 8k partime and have to cover kids needs all birthdays xmas housekeeping vets bills etc - he moans we are skint i have no idea what he spends his money on! never dare to ask for money not worth the interrogation and inevitable door slamming upsets ds to much. best to go without

If he's on 55K, it's a bit more that £2800, more like £3200, but depends on what gets taken out of his pay.
So out of that all bills are £700 and he gives you £400-500. With nothing else to pay?!
What does he spend the rest on?

you need to sit down with a list or a spreadsheet and show him.
IF you have no other outgoings, he can pay you more and 5K won't be that difficult to pay off.

PS I would suggest you show him the budget and make sure you have over estimated things slightly so you have a slush fund.

You have to take your H to either marriage counselling or some sort of couples financial /marriage counselling. Your H is living the single life, as far as finances go. It will destroy you and it will destroy the marriage. He needs to get over his first marriage (I agree with Anniegetyourgun's assessment of the reason for its failure here) and start treating you and the family as people. Go to counselling. What he is doing to you now is called financial abuse.

Do not let him go ballistic over your credit card debt. You must disclose this to him even if the prospect scares you to death. Better to do it in counselling than at home.

The way a lot people do finances is there is a joint account where both paycheques are deposited, and each person gets an agreed upon amount of mad money for themselves from this each week, or there can be two individual accounts for the mad money, with 95% of the paycheques going into the joint account.

The joint money goes towards household necessities. The couple talks about what is spent. Bills are open and there is no hidden debt. Each grown adult knows how much groceries, shoes, clothes, insurance, childcare, utilities and household stuff in general costs. Decisions about big ticket purchases are agreed jointly. Both parties have full access to the joint account.

All of this happens because it is understood that both parties are responsible adults, and that one is not subservient to the other.

Same advice goes for you, Honeydragon. Go to counselling. You are being abused, especially with the door-slamming when you get uppity.

Women's Aid contact info

I am reminded of "Please Sir, can I have some more?" from Oliver Twist.

bumpsoon - you really, really need to talk to your DH about this. Especially with that £5k debt hanging over you - that will only grow with interest and if you don't have enough to spend on necessities, and you will end up worrying about it all the time, and it will look worse when you do eventually tell your DH about it.

Get all the credit card statements together to show what the money has gone on. Explain about the debt. Explain that it has gone on the children's and household expenses.

Then say you need to be treated as an equal partner in the marriage, and trusted with money. You are not his ex and are very frugal. Suggest a joint account, or that he pays half his income into your account every month. If he doesn't agree, ask him to explain why not. I cannot think of a good reason but it will at least give you an insight into why he behaves this way...

honeydragon i feel for you ,i am the door slammer in my house, infact we have a particular picture that falls off the wall everytime i do it ! however as we all have to slam at least one of the doors ,as it fits so badly ,nobody takes the blind bit of notice when i do it occasionally out of frustration .i think you are all right about the debt , i hate secrets ,and if i got a decent slice of the pie ,i could pay it off pretty quickly

i think the company car scheme costs alot ,which is why i said 2,800 startagain. but to be honest i have no idea, neither do i know what savings we have ,if any .

'i choose to work ,therefore i pay childcare . he thinks i can afford not to work because he earns enough ,except he doesnt share that with me so i cant ! '

I am really at this, its so sad.

You have just had a baby and he is earning a good salary, why should you get in debt over the basics!

I think you should sit down with total household income and a realistic budget. once all basics are accounted for , including childcare, the remainder should get split 2 ways so you have equal disposable income.

did i mention the 5k bonus he got in january ? no idea where that has gone and he never offered to give me a bit i would of if the situation were reversed ,id of said look heres a couple of hundred ,go and have a nice splurge .

bumpsoon,

company car schemes don't cost that much. It increases your tax liability.

so he got a 5k bonus and you didn't see any of it. What the hell is he spending the money on? I originally wrote his money but actually it is as much yours as his. You say that when you confront him he is all sorrowful etc. Does anything actually change while he feels like this?

I really wish I could help you see what is happening. Is he squirreling away the money so he is ok if you ever split?

Abuse is what's happening. He is putting money ahead of you in order of importance, and using his control of it to keep you in 'your place', powerless.

i did wonder that ineed .
mathanxiety ,im not powerless ,im just used to being a doormat ,doesnt mean i cant do anything about it

He thinks you are powerless though. That's what he's getting out of this. There's nothing mutual about the relationship if he holds the wallet and you don't even know what's in it. If he doesn't trust you, what's your relationship built on? His need for control is the answer.

He's getting some sort of ego-boost from doing that in the relationship, and that's more important to him than the sort of normal ego boost that a man would get from seeing his wife and family looking prosperous and well dressed, eating well, socialising in the community, etc. The ego-boost he's getting is coming from keeping all that away from you.

so bumpsoon, what are you going to do?

I am not being rude I just hope you do something for you and dc. Sounds to me like you deserve so much more, but you won't get it until you stand your ground

If he is spending the rest of the money there must be something to show for it? And the 5k bonus? Do you think he has it all stashed away somewhere?

well its not on furniture , our bedroom stuff ,we bought 8 yrs ago from macro , my dds bed i got from freecycle and my mum bought the one before , i got her wardrobe from ebay and her drawers from ebay too ,my sons bed and wardrobe are from ikea ,my mum bought the bed. the lounge stuff is paid for , the kitchen table is my mums old one and the chairs are from ebay . he did buy a new fridge a few months ago though ,not a smeg one .
i am going to sit down and talk to him ,i shall see how he reacts to my request for more money first though

sorry ought to clarify - with my dh it's not about controlling me he just thinks the stuff we have appears by magic - basically his items are necessities ours are luxuries. But like bumpsoon I hate having to talk about money it's really horrible when you feel beholden to some one just because they pay for the home you live in. As for the debt thing I think Bumpsoon and I are both ostriches in that way - but sweetee do something soon as if can't meet min payments on current income he'll find out anyway hopefully he will jusy agree to extra allowance whilst your on mat leave and you'll be able to sort it out -- good luck.

You're right to have a big talk, and you may need counselling to get him to listen. It's not enough to just ask him for more money. The entire financial setup needs changing here. Either you're intimate financial partners or you're not partners.

Honeydragon, please go to Women's Aid. What you're dealing with is an angry man who feels entitled to 'his' money and hasn't got a WE or US or OURS mindset.

This isn't about the amount of money anyone is allowed. It's the fact that the allowing aspect of it is at play inthe first place. Such a practice has no place in a healthy relationship.

If you feel powerless, intimidated or afraid, you are being abused. Please get help. XXXX

I know this situation doesn't sound good, but there is just a chance that he is useless, and is not being controlling and abusive(?)
Hopefully you just need a good chat and you will be able to sort things out.
did you talk to him last night?

i dont feel at all abused ,just out of pocket ! i sent him the email which he read when he got in from work ,was a bit snitty ,but my timing wasnt brill ,he had left home at 5.30 and didnt get back until 9 ,so was a bit knackered . We will talk tonight at a more reasonable hour

You two certainly need to talk but I don't feel he is the only one to blame in all this.

You expect him to share his salary yet you talk about keeping 'your money'; if you are to share you both need to think 'our'.

You keep a horse, a dog and a cat - this sounds expensive; does your DH want all these animals? And you pay for someone to walk the dog and clean the windows - if I didn't have enough money I would be cutting back there.

You have not claimed maintenance for your child from a previous relationship, could you? It's quite a big ask for someone to pay the bulk of bringing up another person's child (although I know lots of people do, more than willingly).

You mention he has an ex wife (? not sure if he has children from that relationship), is he paying maintenance himself?

And what about your most recent child, you seem to say this baby was unplanned; was it?

You definitely need to tell him about the debt and be more honest in the future. Stop covering up with the help of the credit card.

You also need to plan your financial future together, saying thins like I don't know if we have any savings just tells me you don't, does he?

your right lady ,it isnt all his fault . I pay someone to walk my dog when im at work ,so i have her on a retainer whilst im on maternity leave ,plus she is a friend so i get mates rates . The horse is only half mine ,i bought it together with a friend who owns her own land ,thus why i dont pay livery , i buy 2 sacks of food every 12 weeks ,that cost about £25 and i paid half the hay ,which lasts the whole of winter ,which was £90 . so in comparison to most who own horses it is remarkably cheap ,infact it probably costs alot less ,than a years worth of hairdresser visists for the average woman .
The baby wasnt planned as such ,i had to have my coil removed , he knew and didnt use anything for over a year and hey presto im pregnant ,i didnt pin him down with a turker baster !

i chose not to go after maintenance for my son because i was working and paid my own way .my dh has no other children ,he married at 20 ,was divorced by 22 .
Your right about the my money thing though ,im going to suggest that when i return to work i get my salary paid into his account and i get a cash card for it .