DH and money advice please

[bumpsoon]

Right bit of background ,been married nearly 7 years ,have a son from a previous relationship ,son doesnt see his father ,never had maintenance etc . have two children with my dh. For the last 7 years my dh has been giving me £100 a week housekeeping , he also pays all the bills/rent ,which comes to about £700 a month max . We own our car outright and he has a company car , we dont have expensive holidays and our house is cheaply furnished . I have just sent him an email asking for a raise in housekeeping to £200 a week . My dh earns £55k ,is this an unreasonable sum to ask for ? i buy 99% of the kids clothes etc ,pay the milkman ,window cleaner and it costs me £22.50 a week in school dinners /bus fares . He also has a sideline where he makes enough to usually pay for an annual holiday ,about £1000 or thereabouts ,although i do most of the grunt work asscoiated with this sideline .I buy the majority of my clothes from the charity shops and tbh he has way more clothes etc then me . I also do all the household chores and all what i would class as man jobs ,ie going to the tip ,putting the rubbish and recycling out ,gardening ,cleaning the car etc So what do you think ? need ammo incase he gets arsey about it

God on threads like these I find myself coming over all Xeniaesque and thinking FGS woman, get a job of your own and fritter away your cash on whatever you want and don't be beholden to him for cash.

Situations like this only work when you have a joint account and free and easy access to the cash. I think this is really demeaning for you

But how can you live with this secret of £5k of debt?

You really need to spill the beans and tell him what has happened.

I am sure he will not leave.

What is your marriage like now?

If you have just had a baby is it likely that he will up and leave?

I agree with getting a job. I think you need to be more independent and this isnt going to happen the way things stand.

sorry i do have a job ,when im not on maternity leave ,i work part time ,so my secret debt comes out of my account , i also have a horse and a dog ,which i pay for ,oh and a cat ! I dont pay livery for the horse though ,i just have to buy food ,shoes and vet etc oh and insurance for them both .When i go back to work ,half my wage will go in childcare ,so i will be left with about £300 ,£100 of which goes to paying off my debt , another £100 goes for insurance ,union fees etc and the rest is mine !!!

Am going to shout now as you are not answering my question ..........

WHAT IS YOUR MARRIAGE LIKE APART FROM THE MONEY ISSUE?

Why does the childcare come only out of your paypacket?

sorry collision ,erm not too bad ,obviousley a bit stressed at the moment as i have a 4 month old baby aswell as all the others ,oh and he didint want another child ,so he is sort of subconsciousley punishing me a bit for it ,but i can live with that . he isnt a bad man by any stretch of the imagination ,please dont think he is ,its just he had been on his own for 18 years when we got together ,so he struggles with the whole being a family concept and is quite selfish to boot ,but if i pull him up about it ,he is often shocked and is very apologetic iyswim .

You are only debt because your arse of a husband is controlling you and your money.

Please get a grip and tell him now. Tell him exactly why you have incurred this debt, tell him you need to be sharing the costs rather than him giving you bloody pocket money!

If you can't talk to the person you are sharing your life with then it makes you a doormat. Even though in my situation things ain't rosie, at least we aren't scared to discuss things that effect us both.

Sorry bumpsoon, but things aren't going to get any better all the time you keep quiet.

i choose to work ,therefore i pay childcare . he thinks i can afford not to work because he earns enough ,except he doesnt share that with me so i cant !

Thanks for answering!

How old is he?

Would it work if he had to manage on £100 a week and get everything he needed for the family with that?

Ask him to get shoes for the children next time they need them and ask him to do the weekly shopping.

this is frightening! you are hiding £5k of debt, debt you have incurred because he has not shared the family income with you, you have not spent it on holidays, gambling, expensive shoes, you've spent it on necessities and basics

buying 3 pairs of school shoes will wipe you out with your £72 a week after bus fares/school lunches. and then what? you can't go to him, you ahve to put it on a secret credit card and are worried he mioght levae you and you feel he might be subconcsiously be punishing you for this 'unwanted' baby

i think teh housekeeping is the least of your worries

he is 49
please dont ask me to get him to do the weekly shop ,we will all have ricketts within the month and the childrens shoes will be cheap and nasty

You tell him that you have worked out a shopping list for him and send him on his way.

You tell him that cheap shoes are a false economy and the children need Clarks shoes.

When I got cheaper shoes for ds he 'peeled' the front leathery bit off the front like a banana! Always buy Clarks now. One pair has done him 13months!

If he is as nice as you say he is then he will do it!

bumpsoon

You seem to have gone from one poor relationship situation which you fortunately got out of into yet another poor relationship.

What are you getting out of this relationship?. Do you actually talk openly and honestly to each other and if not why not?. I also think that your precarious financial situation apart from blowing up in your face in the future is also the least of your worries re him.

OK...

You need to work out how much you need to spend each month. Have you any old food bills? Work out what an average one is... plus school dinners... plus how much you think you need for children's clothes each month - plus money for activities - plus clothes for yourself...

Once he can see how your outgoings exceed your income, ask him to give you a sum to backdate it because you've not been managing on £100 a week. Make it clear you've not been irresponsible getting into debt, it's that he's been asking the impossible. And if he's got £2,000 left after bills, you should have £1,000 each imo, unless you've both agreed to save a proportion of it

bumpsoon when I met my now DH I had three DCs and he had none. For a number of reasons soon after we moved into to our new house together I had to give up my £35K a year job.

He fully suppported me, gave me a credit card and openened a joint account.

Not once did I ahve to ask for money.

I am now self-employed and he is currently out of work having been made redundant. All our money is in that joint account and we spend what we like from it. He has just renewed his golf club membership, I have just spent £150 on clothes for my DCs.

I really don't understand this idea of asking for money by email, and it being handed out like pocket money.

I think you need to sit down face to face and say that you are no longer comfortable with this arrangement and can you both please discuss how it might be changed. He sounds like he might be worried about your running up more debts but you need to talk.

You are all of course right re the talking , i just get a bit weepy and pathetic when it comes down to it ,not helped by having a touch of the demon pnd . I have always worked and payed my way ,even as a single parent ,even through college ,i got no benifits ,just a bursary and paid my rent etc ,clothed my son ,ran a car on £600 a month .I dont have expensive tastes ,i dont wear make up , have my hair done once a year , buy my clothes from charity shops ,basically im cheap to keep .I do everything in the house and outside it too as far as the kids are concerned . But i do feel a bit of a doormat and i dont think our marriage will last another 7 years like this ,if he leaves well there is nothing i can do about that is there .

bump you sound so sad.

I really do hope you can sit down together and talk this through and explain to your DH just how you feel.

It does sound as though this money issue is the tip of the iceberg for an unhappy marriage. I am sorry to put that in writing but I am not sure how a wonderful marriage works when you cannot talk about something as fundamental as money.

And that you think he is punishing you for having a baby.

sending an un-MN hug

same situation in our house - i am in yet more debt and dh would do his nut if he knew - I do weekly shop etc am on maternity leave and keep using credit card - if we need something dh expects me to magically have the money - bought some boot s for the cold weather for £6 and he went on an on about frittering money - dh spends £50 p/w on fags, not to mention his coffee on the way to work each morning, and out my weekly shop I spend another £30 a week on booze that only he drinks - mention this and he goes totally off on one. bumpsoon I really know what it is like for you - wish I could help, but can only let you know you are not alone.

this is bonkers, utterlery fucking bonkers

you work part time and pay the child care? and he earns 55k and pays none of it? and he says this is fair because you can afford to stay at home? Can you not see how outrageous this is?

woman you are begging for crumbs from his table! why should you be treated like a scrounging servant because of what another woman did decades ago (although you have to wonder if she had good reason)

jesus it never ceases to amaze me what some women will put up with.

if you divorced him (which you probably should) he would have to fork out a lot more than that to keep his children. £100 a week? you'd get more on benefits and there's him with, what, £1500 clear a month to spend on himself?

Tell him you want an equitable share or you are out of there!

Xenia is right. I would never ever put myself in the position where I would have to depend on a man for money. Especially not a man like this. It's like something from the dark ages.

you are worried about him leaving?

if you seperate your children would be entitled to something like 20% of his take home pay!

if he leaves you would be better off.
better yet - YOU LEAVE HIM!

makes you wonder where the rest of the money is?

I earn four times what my OH earns. I would/could never think that I have four times the right to the money. Joint means exactly what it says on the tin. She doesn't have to ask, although she does tell me when she has bought something out of the ordinary. Quite often she will book holidays whatever and then tell me.

Not that I am bothered anyway, just usual conversation. As long as we can pay the mortgage and all the bills get paid then I am ok.

We have always had a joint account and everything gets paid out of that, including a small sum a month that goes into our own individual accounts for "spending money". I have friends however who don't do this and have separate accounts and it seems to work for them. However, I do think he is being unreasonable.

I'd like to add that money is the cause of many arguments between couples and I would be p*ed off if my hubbie just kept dipping into the joint account for random things without me being aware of it and vice versa (by that I mean something that for example cost £50+ and wasn't a necessity)

Good luck