Anyone else never had an orgasm?

[Dutynotpleasure]

Ok, name changed (obviously) as this is very sensitive and really could do with some advice.

Not sure where to start really, so will just jump straight in?.

I have never had an orgasm. Never, not once. I have been with my dh for 8 years, he was not my first partner and I never climaxed with any of my other partners either.

I am really embarrassed about this and, I am afraid, I fake it to try not to hurt his feelings, and also to ?end? sex as he wants to please so much, it would go on forever otherwise.

I basically get to a certain point when making love where I feel a bit ?tingly? and heightened arousal, but this is very short-lived and once I get there, nothing will get me to the next faze.

I have tried to bring myself to orgasm many times, but get to the same point and no further.

My question is this ? are some women just not able to climax? I am 39 by the way, otherwise happily married with two children.

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Hi duty.

I don't know for sure, though I remember reading some study saying that women who can orgasm through intercourse (as opposed to not orgasming at all) have a particular physiological muscle feature that is not always present. Though maybe the muscles are just well-exercised...

Have you ever considered sex therapy, either via the NHS or privately? I know it's a bit hard if your dh is unaware.

I had some therapy in the past and was recommended the book 'Becoming Orgasmic: a sexual and personal growth book for women' (i think). I wonder if you might find this useful?

Thanks for posting Choosy.

Really can not imagine telling dh - can't imagine how hurt he will be that I have been lying for 11 years

The book sounds interesting - will have a look. I really do think that this is either psychological or physical and to do with me, not dh, and as it is my problem, I really need to address it.

I guess the alternative is to just say that I will not miss what I have never experienced. It may just be too late for me

Have you tried toys? Something like a multi speed bullet might work for you and it can easily be incorporated into sex.
Most women need 20 minutes of direct stimulation in order to get there, I'm assuming you've tried oral / finger stimulation etc.?
There are also arousal gels and you could try ginseng and gingko to help your micro circulation - it might sound silly but are your feet normally cold when having sex? It's been proven that having warm feet helps women orgasm.

I have read that some 20% of women don't ever have orgasms, without any real physical reason.

I don't know about too late. I 'got' something quite important (for me) about sex, maybe 2 years ago (when I was your age) and afterwards I felt a bit of a nit that I hadn't worked it out before, but really, how do you know! Unfortunately it didn't involve orgasm, but I think it was a stage on the way, and I live in hope

I have tried a vibrator (puchased from Ann Summers at a party when I was 21 )

Again, I get so far, but no further. Maybe need to have a think about another purchase and try again.

I am actually finding it quite upsetting to think about - I feel a fraud and not quite a woman somehow.

Hi Duty, I haven't either. Except when I'm asleep (sometimes dreaming), which I guess sort of counts, but not really. Your description of the stage of arousal you get to sounds exactly like what happens with me. DH knows, we have had counselling, have tried vibrators, just makes me numb!

TBH I am not really that bothered about it... maybe I should be...

This tingly feeling you get could that possibly be an orgasm? Sometimes I think they can be over played a bit, the earth doesn't always move very far.

Do you take much time to try to get there on your own?

I ask because I was a relatively late starter in the orgasm department, it was on a holiday in spain staying with a friend who was out at work all day, that I made the discovery. I have to say it took a good long while to get there the first time - partly because I just didn't really know what to expect.

I think it's probably easier first time to get there alone, because you can relax more and not feel any kind of embarrassment or pressure.

I'd do what the others suggested and get yourself a good vibrator, some lube and find maybe a couple of hours when you know you won't be disturbed.

Good luck!

Have you tried reading naughty stories whilst sorting yourself out? (loads online!)

It might take your mind off other things and get you over the edge.

I think you have to learn solo so you know what works for you etc.

Agree about the bullet and lots of lube and a time when you know you will not be disturbed or anxious.

It may take hours at first.

Not every woman can orgasm through internal stimulation, so stick with just the clit for now. If it goes numb, stop for a minute and try gently again.

Also namechanged, also never had one.
Don't think, anyway.
I sometimes have a tingly feeling (a kind of literal throbbing) but it's usually as part of a dream and wakes me up. (maybe the female equivalent of a wet dream?)

Have good sex life, 1 child. Used (pre-child) to consider myself quite highly sexed, can now take it or leave it most of the time, but have never, to my knowledge, had an orgasm.

I've had a fiddle myself, and just thought after a few minutes, oh well, this is all very nice, but I'm getting fed up now.

If you wanted to look into it more you could tell DH that they have just stopped happening. Dont pretend next time you have sex and just take in from then.

I understand what you mean about not wanting to hurt him. I dont think complete honesty would be of much benefit, upset all round more like.

i must say darcy, that reminds me of Friend A referring to Friend B (who doesn't orgasm) and saying 'I think she does have orgasms, she just hasn't noticed.'. I don't know, have you ever thought, hmm, did I or didn't I? I've had quite a few that were barely worth the effort over the years, but I was never unsure whether they'd happened or not tbh.

Take it from then

How can you not notice an orgasm, or am I just very lucky?

"I've had quite a few that were barely worth the effort over the years, but I was never unsure whether they'd happened or not tbh."

Yes me too, but I have had the bigger, better ones as well and so can recognise the small ones, no only because of the orgasm but more for the feeling afterwards.

Malificence, sounds like socks could be the answer there

I never managed it till I was over 30, not with someone else involved iyswim.

I still don't know what made it happen, maybe it was the particular sort of relationship - being with someone you don't actually care about impressing perhaps - which took the pressure off. I liked him, but it was a jokey, friendly thing rather than intense, Oh my God I need to get it right sort of feeling.

Once you have done it once, you can do it again...and I'd never orgasmed with any previous partner trying their best to make me. I still really dislike oral sex and I don't like being touched, really, either - despite some people obviously being really good at that sort of thing iykwim - it makes me tense up completely.

But intercourse is easy for me now. I wish I could pass on the trick but I don't know how it happens, it just does. (or did, should I say, not having actually 'done it' for a few years now...!)

hope the namechange works.

I'm not namechanging at all.

Happened to me once. I was 18ish. I cried, it was so overwhelming.

Never happened before or since. Feel exactly the same way as you, occasionally tingly, sometimes just a bit numb.

And diy? I just get bored and think I could be doing something constructive with my time instead of getting hand cramp for nothing.

Been with dh 11yrs. He knows. I think I just don't. Sometimes it pisses me off as I'm sure I'm missing out but you know, I'm good at puzzles and have nice skin. You can't have it all.

I should add that I do have the tingly feeling before which sounds more like what the OP is reaching.

Ah, that's ok then.

I could have written WhatsThatThens post word for word (except for differant amount of dcs)

Can't self pleasure, get bored after 20 seconds. DP can't do it, nor can any other men i've slept with... some knew some didn't.

I enjoy sex (well not atm as too knackered to bother) but I don't climax... most i've had is the sensation that something's building but then it just fizzles out and i get bored.

It's slightly frustrating, especially now that dp knows and it gets thrown back in my face every now and again but tbh I do enjoy sex so it doesn't ruin it for me, I just wonder what i'm missing out on

I am honestly amazed that I am not the only one - this is not exactly a conversation that I could have with any of my RL friends.

DH is going away skiing for the week on Saturday so will try and get a little 'me time' with a new purchase....

Not wanting to add additional information and post by 'stealth' but I experienced sexual abuse as a child - thought that I had dealt with it a long time ago - but perhaps a mental block?

That tingly thing sounds to me like dispersal of the energy at the wrong time...you know it is all going wrong, when that happens.

I am certain a lot of it is unconscious inhibition. Some people say getting a bit drunk helps. I don't know.

I think the childhood abuse probably is a factor, yes! Have you ever had any counselling for it? do you feel that you have closure on the matter?

we are a bit like a vad der Graf generator, iyswim

I think