Anyone else never had an orgasm?

[Dutynotpleasure]

Ok, name changed (obviously) as this is very sensitive and really could do with some advice.

Not sure where to start really, so will just jump straight in?.

I have never had an orgasm. Never, not once. I have been with my dh for 8 years, he was not my first partner and I never climaxed with any of my other partners either.

I am really embarrassed about this and, I am afraid, I fake it to try not to hurt his feelings, and also to ?end? sex as he wants to please so much, it would go on forever otherwise.

I basically get to a certain point when making love where I feel a bit ?tingly? and heightened arousal, but this is very short-lived and once I get there, nothing will get me to the next faze.

I have tried to bring myself to orgasm many times, but get to the same point and no further.

My question is this ? are some women just not able to climax? I am 39 by the way, otherwise happily married with two children.

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Breathing, relaxing, pain barriers, this is starting to sound a bit like childbirth

also just feel the need to add something, i have had 2 sexual partners, so not by any means the voice of experience, but my DH is very gentle, goes exactly the right pace and was easy to teach my likes and dislikes, he responds very well to what i need without having to spell it all out.

i had another partner who went at it like a bull in a china shop - even with oral. too hard, to much stimulus and i could never manage it. i used to give up. i find the same with toys, to much stimulus.

start off on your own - an orgasm begins in the mind - you need to find out what you like and dont like, how hard to touch, how fast. there isnt a "recipe" to orgasm, its individual, youve got to find your tastes, what works, what doesnt. for me, DH has to start really really slow.

personally if it starts to feel too tender or sore then it would be too 'hard' for me to work, also lube, too much friction and it hurts. i find a bit of erotic lit helps.

it is hard to let go, but once youve done it it gets easier. Try completely in the dark if you feel self conscious. i cant get there through penetration alone, with penetration he always helps.

achieving orgasm means completely letting go. allowing yourself to get lost in the moment without any shame - that could prove difficult with a background of abuse. You may need help with that, and if your at all self conscious, or thinking about it too much, it wont happen.

i dont think that its impossible for anyone to orgasm, but you can get fed up of trying, sex can be fine without, but id be very sad if i thought id used up my quota!

take the pressure off. start again.

I recommend something like this, in fact I am probably going to buy it myself self as mine has a loose connections and occasionally stops at crucial moments! This will be the fourth one of this type that I have bought! I've worn 3 out! But always go for the same, though I quite fancy a waterproof one...

Hi duty,

Excuse me if I am asking you and the others TMI however as someone who took a few years before I orgasmed I know how frustrating it is.

However once you have a proper one you will not have any questions as to if you had one........you will know.

When you are using a vibrator, are you holding it on your clitoris? I would recommend flying solo until you get there, as the pressure of trying to have an orgasm with someone else no matter how comfortable you are with them is tough.

Also focus, sometimes if my DP goes doen on me my mind wanders and until I focus on what he is doing and actually visualise his tongue doing this and that, I struggle to get into the tingly zone before an orgasm.

Hope this helps, and keep trying I don't know if it is not possible for some women, but I really hope it is so you can experience it.

Ah sod it, I can't be arsed to namechange.

When I was in my early teens, it took me a few years to work out how to orgasm and what it was like. (I just preferred to simulate penetration, and in many ways that remains my favourite part of sex now as an adult.) It was so intense, surprising and overwhelming that I didn't try again for another three years! Then I was reading a book called Everywomen which describes the process of female orgasm, from a purely physical point of view. Not exactly erotic literature! But anyway, it got me curious. Rather than just generally fiddling about, I thought I would really take my time with no pressure and just see what I could achieve, as it were.

It was the best orgasm I have ever experienced. They seem better if you wait a bit between, so imagine three years worth saved up. It was AWESOME!

I think being patient and allowing myself to take things slowly was the main thing: I am quite an impatient person and had tended to just give up or get bored before the event. Also, if you spend a long time on other erogenous zones before you even get down to business, you'll be ready and won't go numb/get fed up/find the sensation too intense initially.

I hope those of you what want to experience it, go on to do so Cos its a fab feeling! And those who are happy without, well that's fine too. But honestly, I think if it bothers you, it's worth persevering! The rewards are great...

testing name change

well that didn't work did it

just spit it out, jen

we are all friends here

Hi Duty. Holding in your tummy sounds like it could definitely be a block to orgasm and letting go. Presume that means you're worrying a bit about how you look? Do work on being confident about your body, I am sure your DH is thinking that your tum looks great and sexy.

I just tested doing some pelvic floor exercises sitting here while holding tummy in and it did make that area feel totally cut off.

Toys don't work for everyone so don't be disappointed if they don't for you. I'd say try to get in touch with your body as much as possible (if that makes sense).

Good points about the breathing there, ladies - and Kegel exercises of course. But I really came back to thank Scrudd & Fliight for the unexpected juxtaposition of Sudoku and orgasms

Little boxes of numbers are starting to feel a whole lot more interesting ...

you all know my story. married for 10 years to only man i have ever slept with (one of the things that makes my mess all the more hard to deal with and i honestly thought that meant something to him)

anyway I would say that for first 5 years i couldnt orgasm. he did try to pleasure me orally and would do it for ages bless him to no avail. I would get all "tingly" and then at the last moment would make myself stop - didnt want to just did.

anyway last couple of years i have learned to relax more and can now orgasm if oral stimulation is good enough - minimum 20 mininutes needed here. Last year or so thought he couldnt be arsed and just used to say turn your back and lets get on with it!! I have subsequently learned that I can bring myself to orgasm quite easily now with the aid of my fingers, a soft porn movie off the internet (you porn is good and free) . I have some fantastic orgasims now - on my own ( we really have very little use for men you know) i can take 5 mins to come or sometimes an hour

it is a great stress releiver and great at helping you sleep. have done it once or twice when twat was drunk and asleep next to me. at first felt guilty but then thought sod it why the hell not. Men wank all the time and are completley okay about it why shouldnt we.

it does take time but once you get the hang of it and find out where your best bits are it is great

Thank you everyone for all of your advice - I really mean it.
I do want to try a number of your suggestions. I have ordered some 'literature' from Amazon and am looking forward to experimenting.

Seems that there might be a whole host of things holding me back - I just need to go one step at a time I guess.

I have waited this long, taking things at a slow pace will not exactly kill me.

I didn't orgasm for ten years with my husband. Then about eight months ago I looked at some porn on the internet (youporn and x tube). I decided I wasn't going to judge myself on the type of porn I was watching - truthfully, only lesbian porn gets me off, although I am not a lesbian. Before I had tried to shy away from that part of me, but just accepted one day that it was OK to look a lasbian porn, did so and became aroused. Then used a vibrator on my clit. Felt for a while like nothing was happening, then suddenly a new feeling started. Then a minute or so later I had an orgasm. Couldn't believe it was actually so easy after so many years! Now I regularly orgasm, either on my own or with my husband (using my vibrator). Best of luck.

If it is all too sensitive try getting a bendy vibrator and just holding to against yourself over your clothes. I used to get RSI from doing this too much, I'm happily married now though.

I've never had one. I'm 38 and have shagged millions of men of all varieties!

Couldn't give a toss to be honest.

After years of pretending to have one in order to satisfy some bloke's ego it's a relief to be with DP who knows I don't have them and that I don't for the life of me want to be tickled with a feather or something when I could be enjoying myself, for instance watching Homes Under the Hammer.

Life is just too short.

The hitachi magic wand is pretty much guaranteed to get women to orgasm - judging by the size of it, it must be like holding a Black and decker to your clitoris!

I think I was about 25 before I started having them, they aren't guaranteed even now, sometimes I can have 2 or 3 in a row and sometimes nothing but a slight throbbing, the key is not to stress about it, if you're lying there thinking "I must have an orgasm", it's a surefire way of not having one - just relax and enjoy the sensations regardless. I have been close to orgasm a couple of times just through having my nipples played with, DH is an expert nipple tweaker.
And I'm sorry but I do like a bit of feathery stroking occasionally - especially my inner forearms or my hips, thankfully DH knows when to be a feathery stroker and when to grab me by the hair.

DD had a magazine article that had the 'secrets' to orgasm - nothing that's not blindingly obvious (be comfortable, relaxed etc.) apart from a) not holding your breath and b) keeping warm. I have found that both of these help me.

Kim Cattrall wrote a book about it - I hope it's not the 'Literature' that you have bought, OP, 'cos you could've had my copy for nothing - the bottom line of the book (so to speak!) is 'girl on top' position is best for orgasm so that she feels in control.

apparantly wearing socks heightens the pleasure

might not for DH's - the sight of you in your fluffy bed socks but then who cares

DH is used to me hopping on wearing (only) my fluffy teddy bedsocks? It doesn't seem to put him off.
Warm feet are a neccesity for me.

Having the flat of your feet pressed together can help too, although it's a bit tricky having sex like this, DH can hold my ankles on his chest for a similar feeling.

It's best to try out different positions to see which helps tbh - a pillow under your bum and your feet up on his shoulders can be good, as can grinding down onto him with little movements, if he has his bum on a pillow it makes it easier for him to hit your g-spot. A bullet vibe on your clit while he's doing you very slowly is really nice.

I bought a lot of books about this but basically the best ones I found were:

this one

and

this one

They both have programmes in them that you can follow either for people who have "lost" their orgasm or who never found theirs in the first place.

I found mine (alone) at 21 - don't think I'd really had any sexual feelings until then despite 3 partners/boyfriends.

Have had a few with DH but we are talking a few in 15 yrs.

I am also a control freak which is my problem I think, that and being "goal-focused".

Now I just need to find time to "follow the programme" to fix that!!

Not going into why or how I know this, but just in case it helps...

The Magic Wand is really great for orgasms but I suggest you start off with something a little more gentle to get your body used to the sensations. There's lots of things you can buy - online shops are less intimidating btw ;o)

Also, vibrators aren't for everyone, so if one of those doesn't do it for you, try a glass dildo - they are cold (colder if you put them in the fridge, but they can be warmed up too) but that can be a fab feeling.

And this may sound awful but some women need some anal stimulation so maybe think about that area - it's where the most nerve endings are clustered and provided you can get over the initial embarassment, can be very pleasurable - doesn't need to be penetration, just some stimulation around there (honest).

However, if you don't orgasm easily, then don't see it as a problem. So long as you enjoy sex, then it's fine.

I'd second finding time to play with yourself when you already feel a bit horny - build on a desire, a degree of arousal, that's already there. And to use lube. And to read good quality erotica. You don't need to rub in a blurred frenzy and give yourself wrist ache - rhythmic, medium-pressure circles do it for me, and apparently it's the same for a lot of women.

Other things that work for me (in fact, these are essential) are being in a position where I can stretch right out. I can't come with my legs bent/wrapped around a bloke's head/kneeling over his face. I can get aroused this way, but I can't come. I have to be able to stretch out and then tense all my leg muscles when I start to get that aroused, tingly feeling going on. This helps get me there - the tensing up.

And I have to fantasise too, most of the time. If I don't make myself focus on either the sensations I'm feeling or a sexy scenario, I'd be thinking about the laundry or work or a similar turn-off. So fill your brain with sexy thoughts - use your imagination - to help get you there.

I don't know if I'm a bit odd in having to do these things to come, but I'm happy, and so is the guy I'm seeing at the moment.

And finally, if you're on the pill, be aware that this can drastically dampen your libido. I'd been off it for a while then went back on it for six months last autumn. Not only did I find it harder to climax with a partner, but solo too; I felt almost indifferent to the sensations, where normally I'd be getting into it. So change your pill, or come off it.

Hope you get there soon.

I recommend a book called 'Extended Massive Orgasm' by Steve and Vera Bodansky. It's availbale from Amazon so you don't have to order it from your local Waterstones!!

It worked for me!