Anyone else never had an orgasm?

[Dutynotpleasure]

Ok, name changed (obviously) as this is very sensitive and really could do with some advice.

Not sure where to start really, so will just jump straight in?.

I have never had an orgasm. Never, not once. I have been with my dh for 8 years, he was not my first partner and I never climaxed with any of my other partners either.

I am really embarrassed about this and, I am afraid, I fake it to try not to hurt his feelings, and also to ?end? sex as he wants to please so much, it would go on forever otherwise.

I basically get to a certain point when making love where I feel a bit ?tingly? and heightened arousal, but this is very short-lived and once I get there, nothing will get me to the next faze.

I have tried to bring myself to orgasm many times, but get to the same point and no further.

My question is this ? are some women just not able to climax? I am 39 by the way, otherwise happily married with two children.

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Are you sure you haven't?? Some orgasms are pretty low-key. Basically, if you feel a build-up of tension and then a release - you did, even if you weren't howling at the moon.

Quite a few women have experienced different, better orgasms with those Rabbit-type vibrators. Also, if you're the buttoned-up type who doesn't like to lose control, then it's possible you're stopping your own climax iyswim. You could try a new Rabbit and an extra few glasses of wine

been drunk
been high
been stoned
been on downers
been on all of the above
sometimes i've even been sober

doesn't make any differance.

no abuse here... nutty catholic mother but lots of people have those so can't blame her i guess

Name changed obviously. Just want to preface this with the confession that I am really bad at all other aspects of sex, so truly not a sex goddess at all, but....

I can't imagine this. I had my first orgasm, messing around with a cuddly toy between my legs, aged 9, and have been orgasming regularly since (now in my 40s). If you get aroused sexually, what do you do with that arousal? because for me the only conclusion for that would be orgasm.

But, I hope no-one minds me asking: since my 20s, the rate at which I orgasm and the quality of the orgasm has definitely gone down hill. I used to get loads of orgasms which made me cry like SOH - I heard that some women are susceptible to that response from orgasm and others are not - but now I often feel nearer to OP: a sort of tingle and the climax has gone and I am left feeling frustrated and thinking "was that worth it?" Is anyone else the same?

in answer to the Op...not until I was 35

Notasexualgoddess, it sounds to me that you've stolen all the orgasms from dutynotpleasure!

Whoops - catholic you say? need I say more?

Maybe it is sheer embarrassment.

It's horrid to feel you can't just let it all go, with someone...the longest relationship I ahd, and the most intense, was with someone who never completely committed to me, and I am sure that stopped me giving him that part of me, iysiwm. He wanted it but no way was he getting it, not until he gave me his heart properly.

I was kind of aware of that at the time, though still enjoyed sex, but it worried him that I wouldn't/couldn't orgasm. male pride perhaps..anyway. It was a couple of years after him that I learned to.

It's a hugely personal thing, I think, and I used to withold it on some level.

I probably still would if I were with someone who didn't seem fully committed themselves, but then I wouldn't fuck them in the first place these days.

Not saying people who can't don't trust their husbands etc, just that's what stopped me from letting go.

I think if you don't orgasm, you know you don't orgasm. It's like sitting on your hand for a bit and knowing that it's tingly but still being aware that it hasn't completely dropped off iyswim. It's pretty obvious that nothing's actually happening. There's no 'end point' at all. It feels nice for a bit, doesn't go anywhere else. You stop when they do. Could be minutes, could be hours, you just don't get anywhere with it.

I am an utter, utter control freak btw. Don't drink even as I don't like the loss of control. And my parents live in a loveless, sexless marriage so I'm probably a repressed lump.

I may have used up my life's entitlement to orgasm! I was having 2 or 3 a day throughout my teens and well into my 20s.

Which is why it saddens me now that so often they are a damp squib.

I would honestly say that I feel like I dealt with the abuse - do not feel guilty or at fault and have had counselling as well as working through self help type books in the past.

Interestingly though (and have never really thought about it before) I remember getting to the same 'tingly' stage when I was regularly abused by my aunt (from about the age of 6 - 7)

and the crying thing is incredible, isn't it. Very special.

I've had that without the orgasm, it was a weird spiritual high type thing, only ever once or twice.

Very, very weird indeed.

Oh, I'm sorry, I missed the bit about sexual abuse. Well, that would leave you feeling a bit about losing control, wouldn't it? Tbh, you won't die or anything if you just carry on with "tingly" sex ...

Otoh, I managed to dramatically increase the power of my orgasms by making a conscious decision to shout, groan, thrash and generally let it all out ... We lived in a back-to-back terrace at the time and, yes, the neighbours did notice

As it turned out, I could put up with the embarrassment: it was a fair exchange, iyswim.

Oh god, imagine having a finite amount of orgasms that you're allowed to have in a lifetime. I must be close to my limit I reckon, and dutynotpleasure is going to very much enjoying her latter years when she manages to get there in the end.

I'm going to have a bloody brilliant retirement then.

Jings, Duty.

I do think some sort of interference with developing sexuality can cause problems. I had a lot of exposure to pornography quite early. Not good really, though I'm not trying to equate it with what you experienced.

Fliight - I would agree about trust - but thought that I would trust myself to let go alone iyswim

SOH - the 'no end point' is exactly it - I feel like I am almost there, but no amount of 'keeping at it' has brought me to the conclusion!

Lucky you. I'm gonna have to take up crown green bowls

SoH, you're right, you do know if it hasn't happened. and I was a big control freak all that time, too - still am, really.

The only way really to find what works is to spend a lot of time messing about, which isn't always easy when you have kids and so on...some people get past that stage in their teenage years, and from then on they know they can do it so have confidence in themselves.

It's a bit like decorating. You have to spend a lot of time In the Room while you are choosing your colour scheme.

I have found as I've got older they have got better. If the first one comes out as a damp squib I just carry on and have another one within the next 30 seconds which tends to then be a right old mind-blower.

'Hold on for the second coming' is what I whisper to DH

Dutynotpleasure, I would say what is holding you back (even if you think it is not) is the childhood abuse. How could it not? It was wrong, and you must associate the arousal with that wrong thing. How utterly horrid for you. I think you should look into some sex therapy to see if you can address the lingering affect the abuse must be having on you. Does dh know about it?

Flight, the crying thing used to scare me a bit - going from sublime pleasure to heaving sobs in the space of 2 seconds. But then I read about it in a sex counselling book and apparently it is only some women who experience it. I usually only feel that degree of response on my own but dh has brought me to it once or twice. I know he doesn't know about it and thought he would mock, but he actually seemed to understand it meant he had done extra specially well.

tmi lunar!

namechanged here too

the secret for me is position - I learnt how to orgasm during penetrative sex when I was about 22 - with a boyfriend who think "fitted" very well with me. Through trial and error I learnt how we could do it in a sort of horizontal sliding motion (him, v hard to explain) which gave me clitoral and vaginal stimulation at the same time. That is the only position that I can come in without the help of a toy.

For a long time I could only orgasm through vaginal sex so I have never bothered with masturbation. Then I discovered toys - I have a fab vibrator - they are a Swedish make and very expensive £80 - £100 (rechargeable so no rattly batteries)

Toys incorporated into sex are great also if the man is ok with it.

I always seem to meet you on orgasm threads SoH. It's a bit embarrassing isn't it. I feel as though I am standing here with a placard. [Yes, you can, girls]

Duty - no, you won't get there by keeping on, once you know it isn't going to happen. You're unlikely to, anyway.

You need to turn yourself on somehow, first. And make sure nobody is around. It may take you ages to get there but it isn't impossible, and knowing that is half the battle.

Jeez, this is from someone who couldn't even HAVE sex for ages, because she didn't believe it would go in it was a carrot and a durex that saved me. Straight up.

Oh to be able to have multiple orgasms. I was an early starter and a prolific practitioner, but I have only ever been a one shot woman.

See? we all have our failings... actually, I have more than most...

lol @ a carrot and a durex

I think the idea of getting yourself very very turned on before having a fiddle is a good one. How do you feel about watching porn? or if that doesn't appeal there are plenty of very rude stories out there that might be more up your street.

The Story of O did it for me.

Bowls is alright actually. I clearly channel my energies into the wrong activities though so don't listen to me.

It's all very well trying lots of stuff but most 'stuff' doesn't bother me at all. I'm not keen on being touched much, find actual penetrative sex much better than foreplay which I find mildy like trying to crack open a safe when you can't remember the combination and tbh, it's not that I don't enjoy sex. I do. It's like going for a run. Nice workout, good endorphins etc just the run doesn't end with me winning a prize or anything, I just go home and put the hoover round.