Anyone else never had an orgasm?

[Dutynotpleasure]

Ok, name changed (obviously) as this is very sensitive and really could do with some advice.

Not sure where to start really, so will just jump straight in?.

I have never had an orgasm. Never, not once. I have been with my dh for 8 years, he was not my first partner and I never climaxed with any of my other partners either.

I am really embarrassed about this and, I am afraid, I fake it to try not to hurt his feelings, and also to ?end? sex as he wants to please so much, it would go on forever otherwise.

I basically get to a certain point when making love where I feel a bit ?tingly? and heightened arousal, but this is very short-lived and once I get there, nothing will get me to the next faze.

I have tried to bring myself to orgasm many times, but get to the same point and no further.

My question is this ? are some women just not able to climax? I am 39 by the way, otherwise happily married with two children.

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Oh, I get that sex is enjoyable without orgasm, showofhands. I was sexually active for ten years before I had one.

these days all I get in bed is a minor euphoric rush on finishing the killer sudoku in the sat guardian.

friday sudoku is harder than saturday and I couldn't possibly make it to bedtime without having done it.

Yes Flight, we really must stop meeting like this. My placard, btw, reads 'there's always a good book'. It's sort of a consolation placard.

The Story of O I despised. I quite like erotic lit actually, but wouldn't and couldn't translate it into anything else outside of the actual reading of it.

Flight, I did smile at the carrot. I was utterly, utterly naive until I met dh, never bothered exploring alone etc. The first time he stripped off I hit it with a cushion. True story. That was NOT going there.

I am so impressed that I am getting so many honest replies - thank you!

I really am going to try and have a 'personal' night whilst dh is away

I would like to try and avoid going for 'therapy' again if possible and see what I can accomplish on my own (please excuse the non-intended pun)

So, glass or two of wine, some arousing literature and a decent vibrator - any other suggestions?

I agree with all that have said that I need to get it right on my own first - I am hoping never to have to tell dh that I have been a fake all these years and just introduce him to what ever works for me.

I am also LOVING the idea that we may have a 'climax quota' - I will have lots to keep me occupied in my retirement!

My only advice would be just to keep at it, even if you're a bit bored, or it's getting a bit tender/sore.

I'm slightly perturbed about how you're going to explain a different response to your dh when (not if ) you're getting there properly. Also, if there's something that works for you, how you're going to explain the new preference.

how about 'I read about it on Mumsnet'?

LOL at good book. and the cushion Genius.

Scrudd do they have a killer on Fridays? I never knew! May start buying it then as it is cheaper than saturday and that's the only thing I use it for, before it hits guinea pig hutch hell.

Scrudd - good point - I have faked with every partner I have had I kind of go through at 'faking ritual' after it is clear that I am not going to climax (again) Not sure how this will differ from the real thing.

My dh has suggested toys before to spice up our sex life, so I am hoping that if they work for me this might explain a different response when we use together?

He knows that I am on MN a LOT - so would not be surprised if I said I wanted to try something out....

You might find that a 'real' response isn't as loud or thrashy as your fake one. It's not often like you see in the movies.

Fliight, guardian sudoku get harder as the week goes on. Monday is easy peasy, wednesday is medium and by friday they get to hard. For some reason I often find the medium ones the trickiest, and get very cross if I fuck it up

I hate the medium ones as well! Weird isn;t it.

I meant the actual 'killer' one, you know where you have to add all the numbers up in the funny shaped boxes, as well as the usual thing?

The first time I had an orgasm was via clitoral stimulation - it was with a partner, using a vibrator, and TBH I think if he hadn't been holding me down (which sounds awful!) I would have pushed him away well before I got to the orgasm bit. I find it so sensitive, like a weird cross between pleasure and pain. That one made me cry but once I had experienced it once, I was able to do it for myself, because I knew what barriers I had to push through first.

Likewise with orgasm through penetrative sex - I never thought that I could, and the only time I have got close, I actually jumped away, it was a completely physical, instinctive response, but I know I was close because I felt shuddery and as though I had been about to cry again and I could literally not move a muscle in my body for a few minutes.

Both times I have had to be completely alone (apart from the partner obviously!) and not worrying about people being able to hear me, because if I am worrying about making a noise I can't let go enough to feel it. And it is loud when it happens! But that might just be me, I shouted the hospital down during childbirth

But I will say that orgasm on my own is completely different and I don't even have to make a noise at all, it's more of a release. I get the female wet dreams too if I have not had an orgasm in a while, despite having a low sex drive.

Oh god, fliight. I can't do that one at all

I have to buy the paper every day to fulfil my cryptic crossword geekery.

bertie... i certainly get that extremely sensitive 'want it to stop now' sensation, mostly from oral which tbh is why i don't much like oral... might ask dp to hold me down next time and keep going, anything's worth a shot right?

Yes, it is worth a shot, I am not sure I would recommend it if you ever have been abused though (I know a couple of people mentioned this above) - just because it has the potential to trigger bad memories, but if not, then go for it - if you feel worried then how about having a "safe" word which you can say which means "Actually I really do want you to stop now!" but use a word like "yellow" that you wouldn't say by accident.

I'm thankfully not to be one of the victims of abuse...

lord knows why it doesn't happen for me but i have a suspician there's something hardwired into my psyche that shuts me off everytime i get close. Definitely not abuse though... maybe lunatic mother telling me i got cystitis because i played with myself and ranting on for several years about how drty it is to touch yourself there (not that it stopped me so can't see how it could be!)

I had my first climax about 3 years ago when I bought a thruster rabbit and some erotic fiction. I use them when dh is away or working late - still too self conscious to bring them out in company.

Now sex is better although still not orgasmic for me. With my rabbit I can climax within a few minutes and go on to have at least one more not too long after. This discovery has had a huge effect on me - was sure there was something wrong with me, now I know there isn't.

I was reminded of a cartoon I saw (from a feminist bookshop when a student)
Little girl asks mother who's washing up "what's an orgasm mum"
"dunno love, ask your father"

I also had my first orgasm thanks to Ann Summers. I was over forty sexualy experienced and with a long-term partner, but I'd never been able to 'let go' sufficiently. But I use a cock ring (sorry, that is what it's called!) with the ring bit cut off, so basically a very powerful clit vibe, and can reliably orgasm quite quickly, and could carry on all day! I've never had a 'natural' one & prob never will. But you might, once 'it' has happened with a BOB (battery-operated boyfriend).

Get thee to Ann Summers, pronto!

Okay this may sound weird.. But it doesn't help matters if you stop breathing.. As your getting to the tingly point, relax you breathing, almost concentrate on that bit.. As it will help you relax.

Hope that helps a bit

Mental check list is increasing - the breathing bit is interesting as am pretty sure I often hold my breath.

Also, have a tendency (when with dh) to try and hold my tummy in - that is clearly not going to help!

Okay this may sound weird.. But it doesn't help matters if you stop breathing.. As your getting to the tingly point, relax you breathing, almost concentrate on that bit.. As it will help you relax.

Hope that helps a bit

Ooops iPhone went funny and posted twice .. Sorry

Seriously when you do orgasm.. Because you will do it.... It will probably blow your socks off..( socks will be keeping you feet warm )

Have namechanged, not because I am embarrassed as such but because I know some people on here don't look well on over-sharers and I am definitely an over-sharer!

Anyway, I don't know if I have any advice as such but I was chatting with DH today about the fact that sometimes I seem to phyisically orgasm but without the pleasurable feeling, like a 'missed orgasm'. It's always disappointing, and I am not sure what causes it but maybe this is what the op is experiencing. I think sometimes you just really need 'hold out' for the orgasm, I find I really have to concentrate on not letting it go too soon.

The best thing that works for me is a bullet style vibrator that I just use on my clitoris. It works best when I am on my own, but it also makes sex much better. I have never orgasmed through penetration without it, it's like it switches on all the nerves in my vagina! It has to be a pretty powerful one, anything that uses a watch size battery just isn't going to cut it!

I don't have much other advice as without the vibrator I'm not great at the orgasms, I probably rely on it too much but I don't really have the patience for DH doing it manually, though I was a voracious masturbater as a teenager before I got a vibrator.

BTW this technique:

'the secret for me is position - I learnt how to orgasm during penetrative sex when I was about 22 - with a boyfriend who think "fitted" very well with me. Through trial and error I learnt how we could do it in a sort of horizontal sliding motion (him, v hard to explain) which gave me clitoral and vaginal stimulation at the same time. That is the only position that I can come in without the help of a toy.' sounds like the Coital Alignment Technique. I've not every really tried it properly but you could try googling it OP.

'But I will say that orgasm on my own is completely different and I don't even have to make a noise at all, it's more of a release. I get the female wet dreams too if I have not had an orgasm in a while, despite having a low sex drive.' I completely agree with this too. The wet dreams are when I have has some of my most intense orgasms. There is a definite difference between an orgasm when you have 'something' inside you and when you don't.

If it is hypersensitive for you OP maybe you are being stimulated too far down, I use my vibe (or fingers) quite high up the clitoris hood. Anything under it is just too sensitive.

Sorry for the disjointed post.