I've got til June to decide: give it all up for someone I've never even kissed?

[keepingupappearances]

I'll try and be brief.

Married 15 years. Totally in love at the start. Blinded to things that weren't right. Been questioning how happy I am for many years. Both of us very moral and take marriage very seriously. Had problems conceiving. DH became miserable and started blaming me. Talked about divorce just before finding out I was pg. Two children 16 months apart. Relationship reached breaking point. I finally had that moment about 3 months ago where I thought being single couldn't be any worse than this. Literally the following week by total fluke someone came back into my life from years ago (we worked together). I'd always had a bit of a crush on him but would never have done anything about it due to being with DH. Turns out he felt the same. Now he is divorced and single. (Not his fault - his ex left him for someone else.) Since being back in touch we got emotionally very involved but nothing physical as he is also very moral and won't break up my marriage.

Trouble is I feel as if I have totally fallen for him. He is all I think about. To the extent we broke off contact for three months to try and get some perspective. Now my head is full of finally leaving my DH so I would be free to start seeing the OM.

I just don't know what to do. DH is fab with the kids (aged 1 and 2.5) and loyal to me, but we don't really love each other any more. More like companions and, until Relate, we arguing constantly. Do I risk it all for someone I've never so much as kissed but feel head over heels for? Or do you think this is more about being bored with two such young kids and frustrated by no intimacy in my marriage?

We don't sleep together and I am also desperate to get laid - but by OM! I feel like such a tragic, desperate housewife. Do I follow my head and stay for the children or for the first time in my life go with my heart and take the biggest chance of my life?

I'm not going to be the one to give you the best advice here but I really do feel for you. I don't think, though, that you should make your decision about your husband based on feelings for someone else. If you think it's best to split, then do and give yourself a break before going onto something new. I don't think it's a good plan to hop from one relationship to another but I've never been in your situation.

Thanks Belle. It's not even like there are any guarantees with the OM. He's already said to me he doesn't want to be the reason I finally end my marriage (if I do). I have to be prepared to be single with two really young children and then see where it goes with OM, if anywhere. It feels like I have an enormous amount to lose compared with him who is already out the other side of a divorce but I just can't stop thinking about him and that this might be a second chance of real happiness for me. Am I just being an idiot?

Does he want to be a step father to two small children?

Why June?

don't make your decision about your husband based on feelings for someone else.

Sort the husband situation.It sounds like there's nothing there for either of you. Then when you have split, think about the OM.

Why until June?

Don't make your life any more difficult than it has to be. Or your husband or kids'.

I know exactly how you feel OP, in a very similar place myself. But unfortunately, I don't really have any advice, only to echo Belle that it must be better to leave one relationship before throwing yourself into another.

I know that I cannot separate wanting to be elsewhere with my antipathy to my husband. I know I'm being unfair to him, just because he's not who I want him to be right now. But the alternative is really a romance I'm carrying out in my head, I have no way of knowing what the reality will be,

Maybe you're being sucked into that dynamic, particularly with such young children. It can be very easy to think all will be rosy with someone else.

If this man is worth having, he'll wait and he'll be worth waiting for.

Sort out your marriage as a separate issue.

would you want to end the marriage if you hadnt met up with om. ? .
having said that i dont think you should stay in a loveless marriage, thats not good for anyone.Just be aware that the OM might not seem so wonderful when hes not forbiden fruit .
i wouldnt call you an idiot btw, just confused.
Id leave the marriage,and see how you like being single for a bit, after all if you do end up with the OM , you dont want him getting the blame for splitting your marriage.
THINK ABOUT THIS ...... you and om have affair, H finds out and you get divorced, hes bitter and gets revenge by telling your kids that X is the reason mummy doesnt love daddy anymore, kids end up hateing x and the stress causes you to split..
....or you and h seperate , sad but it happens , then you become friend with former H kids are happy, no resentment, no stress then if you and OM make a go of things theres one less hassle ( resentful ex).
see what i mean?

and yet you say you have so much to lose?

what do you have to lose?

Sorry, I'm not making myself clear about why June.

It's when OM and I can get in contact again (after the three month break). If I am still with DH then clearly nothing can happen with OM. And because this has been dragging on for years I feel I need a conclusion depserately. We both know we are living in limbo and it's horrible.

What's stopping me? My children. The huge weight of responsibility. The fact that DH is, ultimately, a good and loyal man. Just not who I wish him to be, and that's not fair on him.

Apart from the practicalities financially (not to mention emotionally) and bringing up to tiny kids as a single parent (though DH would want to be totally involved, and I would want that too) a big part of me wants to be single for a while, to discover myself and what makes me happy.

And yes, it offers the opportunity to get to know OM as a friend. We both have such strong feelings there isn't even a chance of seeing each other in a platonic way while I am married. So it all feels like it's a massive gamble.

What I don't want to do is stick in a marriage that isn't fulfilling for either of us and then split anyway in another few years , only to have missed my chance with this man. Equally, I don't want to be stupid and throw away my children's chance of a future with their parents under one roof for someone who I've only just started to get to know again.

OM hasn't said no about being a stepdad to two young children (he has children himself, a few years older) but he hasn't said yes either. He is so afraid of influencing any decision I make he is being extremely neutral and cagey.

I know you are right that I need to focus first on my marriage. That's why I stopped contact for three months. But how long do I give it? Yes, the romance is all in my head right now. It has no chance to be anything else at the moment. I am living in my head and not in real life and I don't know how to stop it - or if I want to when I think about real life.

drloves 8: would I have left DH anyway if OM hadn't come back into my life?

I ask myself that every day. Like I said, literally just the week before he got in touch, I told DH I had had enough. He finally agreed to come to Relate with me, something I have been trying to persuade him to do for months.

In truth, I think if OM hadn't come along I would deep down still feel I want to split from DH but I would wait another couple of years until it wasn't quite so intense with the children being so very young.

does your husband know you about OM?
How did dh react when you told him you were considering leaving?

"totally in love at the start" is the bit that worries me somewhat

OK, missus, here's my advice.

You have two, maybe two-and-a-half, months to make yourself feel more certain about your own desires. During this time, I would like you to pay attention to your husband as though you'd only just met him - and find him interesting. There are lots of little things we do when we engage with another person. Rather tragically, these can be the first things we let go when we settle into security.

Please consciously make eye contact with your husband every time you see him! Please smile while looking at him - as often as you reasonably can, and always when one of you comes home. Sit down with him, and talk about things other than the children/bills/car/house maintenance. If there doesn't seem anything to talk about: you're not doing enough together! Choose films to watch together (at home or out); make the effort to spend more time with friends - dinner parties? - for wider input, and rediscover the things you used to do together, like concerts or theatre. As you talk, give little touches on his arm, shoulder and so on. As you do, when you're engaged in talking with someone.

When did you last really look at him? The colour of his eyes; do they change with his mood? What about the shape of his wrists, the crinkles round his smile, that sort of thing? Take a moment, more often, to re-learn him

Do that. Also, if you're religious (I'm guessing), pray for intimacy, married joy and orgasms! It's been known to work

Please post back.

GREAT advice grace i second that

Jasper, yes dh knows about om but only in that we were work colleagues who have met up once recently and exchanged a few texts.

I'm curious about why me saying I was totally in love with dh at the start worries you.

Grace that is really good advice, thank you. I must must must get into that headspace for the next few weeks and see where that gets dh and I. Will make a conscious effort from tomorrow. Any wise words on how I can stop my head filling with dreams about om in the meantime or this will be futile. Thank you.

whatever fantasy you are thinking about, MAKE yourself change the fantasy to your dh being in om's place. be very strict with yourself and it can work

Cool, and thanks for the feedback

Just do it. Never mind the rest, that's got to be put aside for a couple of months anyway (luckily!) Give it a start, then give it a second try ... basically, make an effort with the man you live with. The nice thing about all this stuff is, anyone who cares for you will respond - maybe with slight shock at first (!) - and it's got to be worth opening those doors; see what comes in.
Have a nice holiday weekend

sounds a bit too late to me to be admiring the colour of hubby's eyes. Tbh your marriage sounds dead, in reality, and the OM is the catalyst for doing something about it. If you're brave enough you should talk to your H about your doubts that the marriage has a future and see what he thinks. You could try counselling - but frankly if your thoughts are all about the OM your heart is not going to be in it.

Give it time and you will eventually work out what you want to do. Some counselling by yourself might be beneficial perhaps, to help you clarify your feelings?

commeuneimage, it's startling to notice how much 'investment' we take out of the home relationship, when we begin putting it into another one. Relationships don't exist outside ourselves; we make them. Quite often the root cause of wishing for 'other' is boredom and, as Granny used to say, you make your own boredom!

Luckily the OP has time - a fixed window, at that, which gives her a reasonable opportunity to 'reinvest' in her existing relationship. If absolutely nothing happens (or, god forbid, it gets worse) she will have a clearer idea of what the problems are & where she stands. On the other hand, if stuff gets better at home - there's a good chance it will - then she'll be looking at an informed choice, instead of a desperate plunge.

If you see what I mean.

I agree with Grace.

And please know that when DCs are small, marriage is bloody hard work! It is not really flowers and sexual tension.
It is about the intensely hard work involved in introducing two new people into the world, teaching them, protecting them and caring for them.

It is the REAL part of marriage - when the going gets tough. And no, it cannot compete with the excitement of a new relationship. But all relationships are exciting at the start - when they are shiny and new.

Keeping the spark alive when you have small children is hard work.
I think it's part of the 'for better, for worse' part of the vows.

Hard to be romantic when you have play dough in your nails, you smell like the fish fingers you cooked for tea and you step on lego when you get out of bed.
But marriage does move on from this stage.
Put in some hard work OP.

Does ur husband know about OM, does OM have any children ...

Your standards are ridiculous way too high. Please relax and have a fling with your OM and find out whether you really want to be with him or not before breaking up your family.

I´d be wondering why his wife left him.

Bonsoir
And having a 'fling' won't break up her family??