I've got til June to decide: give it all up for someone I've never even kissed?

[keepingupappearances]

I'll try and be brief.

Married 15 years. Totally in love at the start. Blinded to things that weren't right. Been questioning how happy I am for many years. Both of us very moral and take marriage very seriously. Had problems conceiving. DH became miserable and started blaming me. Talked about divorce just before finding out I was pg. Two children 16 months apart. Relationship reached breaking point. I finally had that moment about 3 months ago where I thought being single couldn't be any worse than this. Literally the following week by total fluke someone came back into my life from years ago (we worked together). I'd always had a bit of a crush on him but would never have done anything about it due to being with DH. Turns out he felt the same. Now he is divorced and single. (Not his fault - his ex left him for someone else.) Since being back in touch we got emotionally very involved but nothing physical as he is also very moral and won't break up my marriage.

Trouble is I feel as if I have totally fallen for him. He is all I think about. To the extent we broke off contact for three months to try and get some perspective. Now my head is full of finally leaving my DH so I would be free to start seeing the OM.

I just don't know what to do. DH is fab with the kids (aged 1 and 2.5) and loyal to me, but we don't really love each other any more. More like companions and, until Relate, we arguing constantly. Do I risk it all for someone I've never so much as kissed but feel head over heels for? Or do you think this is more about being bored with two such young kids and frustrated by no intimacy in my marriage?

We don't sleep together and I am also desperate to get laid - but by OM! I feel like such a tragic, desperate housewife. Do I follow my head and stay for the children or for the first time in my life go with my heart and take the biggest chance of my life?

I think marriage after kids is hard work if juggling running a home with more than one pre-schooler and work outside the home, Anna. Especially if you do your own ironing.

What is the about?

sleepinglion thanks that is exactly what I meant.
Best of luck OP

Goundhogs, fantastic advise ....

I agree with commeuneimage you're relationship sounds dead and IMO life it too short to be in something you're not happy about. If someone else is willing to give you what your husband isn't then I would leave.

Groundhogs, you're right - I do need to slow down and work out what I want. My marriage lacks intimacy, tenderness, romance, sex... and my fantasies about OM are full of all of this.

When DH is not being a controlling bully it's very companionable and he still really makes me laugh. But is it enough in the long term? For me, no. I still feel very lonely, and that's an awful feeling inside a marriage. And what I don't want is to keep limping along, trying to make it work, but to split anyway in a couple of years and find I've missed my chance with OM.

But you and others are right. My children's needs have to come first here. And that's why I have to give it time and fight the feelings I have for the OM. I miss him so very much but I have to try and keep up not contacting him and hope that these feelings settle and that things improve with DH.

Two more thoughts that I would love some advice on: how long, if not by June, should I give it to see if things are improving? Wait until the children are school age (three plus years away)? When, if ever, would I put my needs before DHs or the childrens?

And, um, any ideas about what I do regarding needing a really good sh*g but not wanting to go there with DH? I tried, for both our sakes, a while ago and ended up crying...

Well, how long?... how long indeed....

You need to make a solid commitment to yourself, to your marriage to try and make it work. My initial gut feel is give it to the end of the year.

It's true a good companion all by itself does not make a good marriage. I think you and DH need to honestly sit down and address the issues. Tell him how good a dad he is, tell him how you do enjoy his company. Tell him all the good points about him (otherwise he could do that blokey thing of just giving up and withdrawing altogether, defeating everything) If you still ideally would like a good shag with him but circumstances have put you off, TELL HIM! It's important for him to know you still want to have sex with him.

I wouldn't worry about OM, really I wouldn't. If that is meant to be, it will be. believe me.

I truly think this guy is a catalyst for what you are missing. i think, honestly, that if you were to ditch DH today, and run off to the sunset with the OM that it's highly likely that the new relationship wouldn't work.... There is a lot of work you need to do on your marriage, and then on yourself before that will just slot into place. You need to end one story before you start another.

It might be that you can't make this work. It might be OK and you do get back on track.

How OLD are you? have you recently celebrated a milestone birthday, or are you approaching one? This could be significant too.

I think you need to sit DH down, be honest with him, you don't have to tell him about the OM, just tell him that you found yourself wondering about how it would be like in other scenarios etc and you are taking this as a warning, a wake up call - which it is.

What you are missing is not necessarily the OM, it's what you had with DH, what you are missing is what IS missing in your life now. OM is only a person giving you attention, or being there for you, when your own DH isn't, for whatever reason.

Cut all ties with the OM, you need to, for your own sanity, and so you can commit yourself 100% to saving your marriage. Both of you have to be committed to saving it, otherwise it just won't work.

I know you say about when do I get to put my needs above DH/DC, well in a way you ARE putting your needs first right now, by trying to save what you have, by trying to keep it all together. If you don't try, honestly and earnestly, you will never know. If you try and it doesn't work, you won't be the one kicking yourself. That, believe me, is important.

Try relate, don't worry about the sex for now, they can help you with that too.

Now, best foot forward young lady and into battle, give it your all, give it what you got and don't be distracted by anything. Then evaluate at the end of the year.

If it doesn't work, then you have to plan what to do next.

What comes next is some YOU time, time ALONE, to re-find you, to regroup, grieve and heal. None of that essential work can be done with anyone else in the mix.

We are with you every step of the way.

Oh and meant to say that you may have heard of the 7yr itch, well it happens around 13-15yrs too... so this is a hump that many relationships face.

Happy Easter KeepingUp!

I don't think you should try again with your dh...you've been with him 15 years how long do we have to try fgs.
Be on your own and treat om as a separate,possibly destined to fail,possibly not,issue.

Christ, groundhogs, that is a bloody brilliant post.

groundhogs, I guess you either speak from some kind of experience, you work in the counseling profession or you are simply incredibly grounded and intuitive. (I'd love to know which!)

I can do the end of the year. But I need resolution, and to move on, whether it's as a family unit or on my own. It's been too stressful for too long.

I'm in my forties, no major birthday coming up, but just about every aspect of life has changed in the past year. Moved back here from overseas, which DH hated me for, sold the house, moved to a new area in the UK, had a baby, living in a rented house with stuff still in boxes, trying to make new friends... you get the picture. Stable it isn't. And I know all of this will undoubtedly be adding to the stress. So it's really hard to separate all the issues and work out what's causing me to be so unhappy.

I hoped Relate would be a cure-all, but it isn't, of course. Just a forum for us to talk without it escalating into a huge row.

There is a part of me which, probably very naively, relishes the idea of living on my own with the children. I keep thinking a trial separation would be the next step if it comes to it. But is that fair on the kids?

I wish I had it in me to cut all ties with OM permanently. Maybe by June I'll have the strength to do it... the fact is, right now, I just don't want to as he's about the only thing that's made me feel good about myself for as long as I can remember. And yes, groundhog, I do hear you that I am the only person that can fix my problems, nobody else.

But... Is there a way I could say to him that I'd like to be able to contact him in the future should I end up single? Or is that just not fair on anyone?

Happy Easter to you, too, and thanks.

PS groundhogs thank you for saying I shouldn't worry about OM as if it's meant to be, it will be. That's actually one of the most reassuring thoughts to get me through this time. Perhaps I need to stop panicking and worrying I will miss the boat with him and think that if he feels as strongly as he claims I will be worth waiting for, should that be the outcome...

Auoww! I don't recall your mentioning this before:
"When DH is not being a controlling bully it's very companionable and he still really makes me laugh."

Umm, so are we looking not so much at a lazy marriage vs cool fantasy situation, but a somewhat downtrodden wife with an escape fantasy?

I get the crying during sex as I had that even though I don't really know why.

Funnily enough I thought about my ex today and so missed him but I allowed myself 3 seconds to think about him and then reminded myself of all the past pain and did I really want to go there again. No way.

My advice would be to focus on one small thing that is causing you a problem at the moment and see if you can alter it to make one part of your life easier and better.

Grace, yes he's made me feel pretty worthless until I finally snapped a few weeks ago and told him I was done being made to feel this way and being spoken to like a naughty child.

But I had no idea how much it has been showing - I thought I'd done a very good job of making out it was all fine (hence my name) but my family have noticed how I can be very different when he's around. Tense, withdrawn, worrying about his needs etc.

Since he got the message about was about to leave him he has been really trying and he is different. But I don't know if I want him any more. I want my kids to have both their parents around but I think, for me, the love might be gone.

OM represents everything DH isn't in terms of the bits of DHs personality I don't like. OM is gentle, warm, positive, patient...

Fab, that's good advice to deal with one small thing at a time. I tend to roll it all in to one giant, insurmountable problem that then seems so overwhelming.

ItsGraceAgain at Thu 01-Apr-10 23:45:50 - what superb advice you offered for anyone in a long term relationship.

After trying that, then maybe Bonsoir's suggestion to "sample" the OM might be considered but not before.

I can 't tell you how great it is to be back where I belong. I hope you get where you belong very soon.

Fab, i'm glad you feel things are working out for you. Perhaps there's another thread somewhere where you've said all this, but would you mind telling me a bit more? Did you leave him? Do you have children? Are they young? Did it take you a while to work out what to do? Thanks, it all helps me to try and wade through this and make sense of it.

TDiddy, I appreciate your feedback - thank you!

That was before I realised OP is living with a partner who puts her down, which is a whole different thing from lackadaisical relationship fatigue.

I do not believe that pumping more love into a damaging partnership does any good, unless you consider the loss of normal values to be good for your family. Even the author of "The Surrendered Wife" put a 20-page addendum to her book, detailing circumstances (unequal relationships) where her advice should not be applied. That's been cut down in subsequent reprints - to 2 pages last time I looked - by the publishers, not the author!

KeepingUp, have you ever thought of an assertiveness course? Some partners just take the piss because they can - in those cases, a sturdy response can sort things out. In any case, an assertiveness course is a fantastic environment where you can be yourself & discuss things with other women. I got my lousy previous employer to send me on one, although it was meant for 'minions' and I was a middle manager. Did me a world of good.

I don't think you need any advice about would-be OM. You've summarised it well, all by yourself
Perhaps you just need a few pushes to take stock of your life as it is, and how it could change - with OM or, more likely? - without .... gentle shove

ItsGraceAgain and keepingupappearances - sorry I didn't read enough of the thread to work out the bullying. I am sorry about that.

keepingupappearances- it is a cynical view but all men disappoint/don't meet the ideal...in the end...in some little way. Best to keep that buried somewhere deep in the mind.

Ahem have to confess to some experience in this matter... long time ago, marriage was a sham basically, but I didn't know it.

I couldn't understand why he changed when we got married, why he couldn't be bothered, why he withdrew. I got depressed, very depressed. OD'd and then began my bounce back.

Turns out his legal status in the country was all he wanted, and the 2 years we'd been together were a means to an end. God there are some cool and calculating actors out there!

anyway, while I was bouncing back and before the end of the relationship I made some friendships with men, and I found myself feeling very strong feelings for them. They were never OM to me, I wouldn't have cheated... well not until right at the bitter end of the marriage, when it was literally dead in the water and there had been no sex at all for over 2 years.

Keepingup. The events you describe are pretty much what I have gone through this year, without the baby... I have a 4yo DS, can't seem to carry any other PG to term. I met my DH when I was buying a flat to leave DH1. It took 9m to go through, we ended up in a relationship. I worshipped the very ground he walked on, hung on his every word.

But of course he's not perfect, far from it, he's controlling, a bully and a totally hands off father. Living in his land has opened my eyes to how utterly chauvinistic he and his people are. After all I've had to do, without help, without support and without encouragement, in fact with only criticism and emotional abuse.

This controlling thing with the DH, what exactly does he do. My DH does, but the problem is that I won't just take it anymore, so we row.

Your thread has really made me consolidate my thinking about my life, I'm sure as hell not happy. he's not going to change. There are quite a few deal breakers in this mix too, but I'm not in a position to go anywhere. My plan is to get a job when DS goes to school this year and stand on my own two feet, then let the chips fall as they may.

Your DH at least seems to have bucked himself up when it became apparent that you were thinking of leaving. Perhaps there is hope for you.

I know how isolating life is when you uproot and come home, renting is just the pits, even if you don't have problems. I've also got the landlady from hell... until I can leave at the end of this month. I'm in Hampshire, back where my family are, but have no RL friends around here yet. Whereabouts are you?

groundhogs - very sorry. It is encouraging to hear that you have a plan and are taking control of a bad situation. Very best wishes.

No, I never left and never seriously thought I would. I couldn't because of my kids and the fact I did still love my DH very much. I was messed up emotionally and the ex was tied up in somethings I am working through in therapy, so it was more about that really.

Yes, I have children and they were under 8 at the time.

The contact went on for 15 months with breaks in between with me usually cracking at the 8 week mark.

I am not sure my situation will help as I was very happily married before all this happened. I was just messed up emotionally. There isn't another man in the world who could have done this to me. It has always been him and my husband who were/are the loves of my life.

I picked the right one though. I couldn't be without my husband.