I've got til June to decide: give it all up for someone I've never even kissed?

[keepingupappearances]

I'll try and be brief.

Married 15 years. Totally in love at the start. Blinded to things that weren't right. Been questioning how happy I am for many years. Both of us very moral and take marriage very seriously. Had problems conceiving. DH became miserable and started blaming me. Talked about divorce just before finding out I was pg. Two children 16 months apart. Relationship reached breaking point. I finally had that moment about 3 months ago where I thought being single couldn't be any worse than this. Literally the following week by total fluke someone came back into my life from years ago (we worked together). I'd always had a bit of a crush on him but would never have done anything about it due to being with DH. Turns out he felt the same. Now he is divorced and single. (Not his fault - his ex left him for someone else.) Since being back in touch we got emotionally very involved but nothing physical as he is also very moral and won't break up my marriage.

Trouble is I feel as if I have totally fallen for him. He is all I think about. To the extent we broke off contact for three months to try and get some perspective. Now my head is full of finally leaving my DH so I would be free to start seeing the OM.

I just don't know what to do. DH is fab with the kids (aged 1 and 2.5) and loyal to me, but we don't really love each other any more. More like companions and, until Relate, we arguing constantly. Do I risk it all for someone I've never so much as kissed but feel head over heels for? Or do you think this is more about being bored with two such young kids and frustrated by no intimacy in my marriage?

We don't sleep together and I am also desperate to get laid - but by OM! I feel like such a tragic, desperate housewife. Do I follow my head and stay for the children or for the first time in my life go with my heart and take the biggest chance of my life?

What is other mans relationship like with his kids and ex wife. How old are they. How would they feel about another woman in their Dad's life. These are very important questions that you need clear answers for before even considering entering into a relationship with him ...

Ok, new day and all that. I'm glad I have a fixed window, Grace, it takes some of the stress out of it. I can only gain by trying.

We're going to Relate and we have both had some sessions on our own. For me, Consensedmilkaddict, if our troubles had only started after having children I would find it much easier to see a future and know it was just the intensity and daily grind that goes with small children, and that it will change.

Unfortunately, I can think of examples going back over years and years where it hasn't felt right. My fault for staying, I know, but as I say we take marriage very seriously. (I'm not religious by the way, whoever asked!)

Anyway. I feel like I have a bit of a plan. Throw myself into the marriage - how hard can it be for a few weeks - and hopefully I'll find I'm thinking about DH much more and OM much less by June. If not... maybe a trial separation is the next step.

DH knows this is how I am thinking (not about the June bit). He says he is gutted. But please also know that for a long time before Relate and he started to make an effort, he has behaved like a shit towards me and made me feel pretty worthless (told me when DC1 was a few weeks old how miserable he was and how he fantasised about leaving on a daily basis and had done for years).

So while the decision to split, if we do, will be mine, it's very much taken two of us to get into this mess.

Anyway. Open mind, starting from today...

I agree with Grace - marriage needs investment if it is to thrive. The poster who was concerned that you were 'totally in love' with your DH at the start is noting that you now seem to be 'totally in love' with OM. And when you are with him and tired and under strain and arguing over little day to day niggles are you then going to fall 'totally in love' with another fantasy which seems to offer you an escape from the hard work of sustaining a marriage?

Hi keeping, sorry but I ended up posting and then needing to comfort DD (2.6) so didn't come back.

I do think Grace's advice is good but please don't beat yourself up if you find it harder than you think. Also, think you need to be alert for you DH assuming that this means that you are now "back in love" amd he's off the hook. Really about the comment when DC1 was weeks old...

Actually, though, if your DH doesn't make the same effort as you do to try to save your relationship, then I guess you have your answer.

Hope today goes well for you.

MCDL, the other man is a fabulous dad. In fact his kids have ended up living with him more than his ex. He has a good relationship with his ex despite what she did as he wants the kids to be able to have time with them all as a family.

His kids want him to meet someone and try and help by pointing out nice looking women!!

There are so many qualities in him that I admire. We have so many more shared interests than I have with DH. But, in short, if I was starting over and looking for someone, knowing what I know now, OM pretty much is everything I would be looking for.

My reservations? That he loved his ex so much and she ended it so suddenly that he perhaps will never really be over her (it ended two years ago). So I am trying really hard to accept that if I split from DH it's to be single, not to be OMs next great love. No guarantees, are there, and with me having such young kids and him having two kids there's hardly much time to invest in a new relationship.

But yes OM is the catalyst to me thinking I might have to end my marriage sooner rather than later. But not for the next few weeks...

SleepingLion, that's a fair comment. But I really don't see myself as the kind of woman who flits from one relationship to another for the rush of first love. I've been with DH for over 20 years and never so much looked at another man, despite things not being rosy for years.

What's happened here is someone has come back into my life at a time when my marriage is at its lowest point, and I'm trying to work out what to do. I don't take any of this lightly, believe me.

'MCDL, the other man is a fabulous dad. In fact his kids have ended up living with him more than his ex. He has a good relationship with his ex despite what she did as he wants the kids to be able to have time with them all as a family.

His kids want him to meet someone and try and help by pointing out nice looking women!!'

You know, my friend split up with her ex and went looking for a man who would be good with her dd. She met the most awful guy, but said the exact thing about him. I knew his ex, and the truth was somewhat different. Not saying this is the case here, but just bear in mind that when it comes to kids post-split, no man wants to appear like an arse and will often embellish the truth.

I think you aren't giving your marriage a chance. I think what you are experiencing is pretty par for the course when such young children come into a longterm relationship. Things aren't going to be the same as they were 15 years ago.
And any man that would split up your family, having just gone through it himself and has presumably seen the pain it caused his children is a bit imo. Loved your emphasis on how moral you all are though.

Well that is very positive that his kids would accept you if you do decide to leave your husband and possibly after some time be with this OM.

How would finances be. Do you work, does your husband work, does OM work. Would your husband be able to afford reasonable amount of maintenance, does OM pay maintenance to his kids. If you were to leave would you leave family home and rent, does OM have all his finances split from his ex wife, does he own the home he lives in. Is he still paying mortgage on first family home ..

Why aren't "things going to be the same" post-children? To my mind, that is a bad attitude which doesn't take marriage seriously. The important thing about marriage is not the bit of paper but the promises you made to one another, and one of those promises is usually about cherishing the other...

O course things aren't going to be the same. No matter how much love is there, having kids is a bloody shock to a well established relationship, especially for the first few months and years. It's easy to forget that when you are no longer in the thick of it, but the very fact that you have children alters your day to day existence and it is very easy I would think to take each other for granted, get cross with each other, be sleep deprived, and the dynamic of the relationship will change, if not permenantly then for a while.

My relationship with my DP is just the same, albeit with new projects to keep it burning! Why would it change if we prioritise it? Not everyone lets themselves get overwhelmed with child care and chores...

I would take some time away from both men if you feel you need too. If you do leave you have to know and feel that you did everything you could to save your marriage and make a happy home for you all.

FWIW My first love and I got back in contact just over a year ago and it was just like when we were together very quickly. We never saw each other in real life, I cancelled 3 times a plan to meet up, but we talked on the phone, the webcam, texts and emails. His wife never knew but my DH did. I told him the day I got an email from him saying hello. I put my husband through hell, was awful to my children, cried a lot and it was all my own doing.

So many times we said we can't talk anymore and then back to contact. I have made the break now and it is so much better. He and I can not be just friends, we never could, and through all this I loved my husband I was just reacting to other things going on in my life and looking for someone to save me and also to wreck my own life for a change instead of other people doing it.

I would never have left, mainly because of my children but also because I owe my husband everything, he is my best friend, he has never let me down and all that really matters is we love each other and I will be with him forever.

I didn't mean to spill like that. I hope it helps.

Not everyone lets themselves get overwhelmed with child care and chores...

It's called the everyday drudgery of life Anna. It has been known to get in the way sometimes

But that is your choice to let every day life become drudgery. There is absolutely nothing inevitable about it.

I would love to live in your bubble Anna, I really would

Justallovertheplace, OM has said many times I need to give my marriage a go as he knows the pain of betrayal and divorce. Perhaps I am not being as moral as I would like by contemplating going, but OM has done absolutely nothing wrong.

MCDL, I haven't worked since having my two which I know would change if I was single. Both OM and Dh and I are fortunate to be fairly comfortable financially. Not loaded but not on the breadline either. OM bought his ex a house after the split and he continues to live in the family home with the kids. Dh and I are currently renting so dividing the finances would be relatively straightforward. But my feeling is a trial separation would be the right thing to try before heading for divorce.

I do not live in a bubble. I work very hard at my life.

Bonsoir, fwiw, the Relate counsellor has told us we are both fighters who are trying really hard to make this work. If it was always as simple as prioritizing nobody would ever need organizations like Relate.

I'm not sure that you can "fight" to make a relationship work though. Working hard is really quite different to fighting in terms of getting a nice life.

Fabisgettingthere, your post did help, thanks.

I do sometimes think I need some time completely on my own without any man in my life.

But then I have my children to consider. That's why I'm still here. I suspect, like you, I will have to break all contact with OM for good if I decide to stay with DH. And right now that thought breaks my heart.

When I lost talked to my ex we said stuff that have really helped and that meant I could move on properly. I have loved him for 22 years and it was always unfinished business. I might have to wait 10 years before I can speak to him again or it might never happen but I am passed just waiting for when I can be with him and that is so freeing.

DH and I were perfectly fine before all this so that is different to you.

I really admire you, Fab. Unfinished business is exactly how this feels, but for different reasons. You know when you just wish you could fast forward five years and see how it all pans out and then you'd know what to do? Oh if only life was that simple.

I like lots of qualities in my DH, but I don't think I love him any more. Too much has happened. Too much has been said. Too much resentment. I almost wish he wasn't trying and he'd revert to being a shit again as it would make the decision so much easier.

But I owe it to him and my kids to try for a few more weeks, without the other man clouding the issue (even though he's in my head all the time).

Fab, can I ask what you and your ex said to each other that made it easier to move on? I do sometimes think this would help me and the OM. He has pulled back so much he won't say a word that might be seen as complimentary or revealing about how he feels in case it influences my thinking, but that just makes me feel like I've been left dangling, and like some needy teenager. I sometimes think I'd be much calmer about this if I felt I could walk away with some validation that I could have been 'the one' for the OM (he has pretty much said this in the earlier stages before we realised we were getting so consumed we needed to break off contact).

There were lots of things I wanted to ask and had been too scared of the answers but this time the biggest thing that helped was him saying I know where he is if I want him and he knows where I am if he wants me. I just felt he did want me and if you know my history that is huge.

I always knew I would go back to how I was when we were together if I ever was in touch with him and I was right.

I had had enough of putting myself through pain and it was for nothing as I won't leave my DH and I and my ex can't be friends.

We both know if we were single we would be calling each other but I am not living in limbo anymore.

Ultimately one more day with DH or 40 years with the ex? No contest.

keepingup Easy tiger! Slow it all down. Stop. Breathe and work out what YOU want.

My money says OM is more than likely a catalyst. he may be more, but he may not be. He represents the problem you have in that your marriage is dead. If it weren't, you wouldn't have fallen into this. You are banking on this OM being the answer to all your prayers. he isn't. YOU are.

You may be also terrified of being on your own, it does come across that way. You can easily be on your own, and tbh, you need to be, for a while.

You say you should break it all off with OM if you want to stay with DH, tbh, you need to break it all off with him anyway, for much more than 3m, for good. Otherwise you are not dealing with the issues, merely waiting till you can resume the non-relationship.

This is a waste of your time at the moment, it's disloyal to your DH; a man you say is a good one. Ask yourself what your DC would think if you try and explain what's going on at the moment? How could you think they would approve of this.

Integrity is what is needed. If your relationship with DH is no longer viable, then bring it to a close, properly and with no external interference. Focus on making sure your DC are happy and OK with the break and get yourselves into a routine that works for all of you.

THEN, when you have grieved for your marriage, worked out who you are now, and understand what makes you tick, THEN you can look at starting over with another man.

If you had no DC, I'd still give the same advice, but with them in the picture, it's crucial that you help them through this.