I've got til June to decide: give it all up for someone I've never even kissed?

[keepingupappearances]

I'll try and be brief.

Married 15 years. Totally in love at the start. Blinded to things that weren't right. Been questioning how happy I am for many years. Both of us very moral and take marriage very seriously. Had problems conceiving. DH became miserable and started blaming me. Talked about divorce just before finding out I was pg. Two children 16 months apart. Relationship reached breaking point. I finally had that moment about 3 months ago where I thought being single couldn't be any worse than this. Literally the following week by total fluke someone came back into my life from years ago (we worked together). I'd always had a bit of a crush on him but would never have done anything about it due to being with DH. Turns out he felt the same. Now he is divorced and single. (Not his fault - his ex left him for someone else.) Since being back in touch we got emotionally very involved but nothing physical as he is also very moral and won't break up my marriage.

Trouble is I feel as if I have totally fallen for him. He is all I think about. To the extent we broke off contact for three months to try and get some perspective. Now my head is full of finally leaving my DH so I would be free to start seeing the OM.

I just don't know what to do. DH is fab with the kids (aged 1 and 2.5) and loyal to me, but we don't really love each other any more. More like companions and, until Relate, we arguing constantly. Do I risk it all for someone I've never so much as kissed but feel head over heels for? Or do you think this is more about being bored with two such young kids and frustrated by no intimacy in my marriage?

We don't sleep together and I am also desperate to get laid - but by OM! I feel like such a tragic, desperate housewife. Do I follow my head and stay for the children or for the first time in my life go with my heart and take the biggest chance of my life?

Apologies for not posting for a day or so. I've actually felt too down too do a lot, even moan away on here.

Groundhogs, I'm really sorry for all you have been, and are going, through. But I really appreciate you sharing everything. I really hope you're able to move on in whatever way you need to once your little one starts school.

I am lucky, having read your post. I don't have it as bad as you. Life is about as unhinged and rudderless as it possibly could be right now, but at least DH is a hands-on father. And yes, he is trying now. For way too long I have been the butt of his resentment, negativity and black moods about just about anything. I ended up treading on eggshells around him all the time for fear of 'causing' another tirade. But, like you, I finally hit my wall and had enough a few months back, when I thought that being single could not possibly be worse, and in fact may well be preferable. It was a defining moment and one I am really struggling to come back from as, for me, I think the love finally died that day. But for DH it was a massive wake up call.

So after a few weeks of not being negative he can't understand why I'm still not 'committing' to this relationship long-term and why I still feel it could end at any time. In the meantime, OM shows up just to confuse the issue even further.

Then yesterday, DH told me he is so depressed about everything he has had suicidal dreams. He said it's less about wanting to actualyl do it and more that it represents how out of control and trapped he feels (living here) but it doesn't exactly help me to feel I can make my move, should I decide that's the best thing, or to think with a clear head.

I genuinely feel sorry for him as this is the most horrendous of times, and I ended up comforting him and telling him what he wanted to hear, that it will all be alright. And maybe, just maybe, it will. But OM is in my thoughts all the time. And the thought of leaving is right there with me. So I am just trying really hard to get through one day at a time and not to do anything rash.

Groundhogs, like you I returned here to be near my family, but we are in the north. I really feel for you and hope you will keep posting. All the best and thanks to everyone for your thoughts and advice. It really helps.

hmm, is he depressed though, or just sad things aren't overly well?

I can identify with the eggshells, and that shock of shocks they get when you finally tell them enough is enough. Dh actually cried. But it still didn't make him think any differently. He just blamed me, saying i'd let him down.. Wtf?!

I think if i'd lived somewhere else that didn't create such monstrous men, perhaps i'd be where you are keepingup, as it is, seeing what i've seen, you can keep the lot of em!

By all means try and make it work, if that's truly what you want in life, but if it's not going to work, don't let him guilt you into staying. You'll end up resenting him and that can quickly morph into hatred.

Your thread has really made me think actually.

Groundhogs I totally agree re WTF that you were to blame!!! I think some men just blame everyone and everything except themselves.

DH is basically a very angry person. He gets wound up over just about anything and sees things in a completely negative way, often creating a problem where there isn't one. He alienates people and that includes my friends and family and as a result I have lost friendships through no fault of my own, other than my choice of partner. Our Relate counsellor suspects DH has been depressed for years. Before kids I coped with his anger and black moods by throwing myself into lots of other things, but now the children are here it has become impossible to ignore. I have two children under two taking all my time and energy and I no longer have the time or the patience to pussyfoot around him.

But he is their father. And he is actually a good dad. He has just been a lousy husband for too long.

And i know next to you, groundhogs, this is pathetic, but it's really the practicalities that stop me going. Would I cope without his help? I feel pretty fragile at the moment and I don't know if leaving would help or make it ten times worse.

One day at a time, but I will resolve this before the year is out. I have to.

Good luck to you, too x