For anyone desperate to leave an abusive relationship but reluctant to move into a refuge

[TimeForMe]

After many years of living with a miserable, abusive bully I finally had enough and called Women's Aid for help. They were wonderful and put me in touch with my local refuge who were equally as wonderful. Within half an hour of making the call I was found a place in a refuge which I gratefully accepted. I had a few things to organise so arranged to go in the next day. A mini bus was sent to collect me, DD and all the belongings we could manage to take. Upon arriving I was greeted with a smile and a welcome cup of coffee. All my belongings were unloaded and taken up to our room. DD was shown around by the child support worker then taken to the play room where she had a brilliant time playing while I had a weep and a chat and filled in all the paperwork. From the moment we stepped inside that door DD and I were supported and taken care of like never before. From that moment I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, it was like stepping into heaven.

For years I had thought about ringing Women's Aid and asking for help but the thought of a refuge put me off. I had a vision in my mind of what it would be like, the kind of people that would be in there. I couldn't have been more wrong. DD and I have our own bedroom, bathroom and kitchen. We share a lounge with the other ladies in there along with a laundry room which has the most fantastic washing machine and dryer!! The refuge is clean, it's warm and it's wonderful! The support workers are fantastic and have helped me every step of the way with everything, claiming benefits, housing applications, counselling and supporting DD. Whatever I need they provide.

The main reason I put off going into a refuge was because of DD, I was worried about how it would affect her. How I wish I hadn't worried and had done it sooner. DD has flourished. Away from the abuse and the tension in the house she has really grown in confidence and is a happy, smiling, laughing little girl. I thought I was protecting her from the abuse, I thought I hid it well but since moving to the refuge, since seeing the changes in her I now know different. I wasn't really protecting her, she was, in her own little way, taking care of me. Now she has a happy, relaxed mummy she has no need to do that and so can enjoy being a little girl, probably for the first time in her seven years. It's wonderful to see

The reason I wanted to start this thread was to try to reassure anyone who thinks they are trapped in an abusive relationship, really not wanting to go into a refuge, they have nothing at all to worry about. Nothing to lose but everything to gain. You won't be judged, you won't be questioned, you will be welcomed with open arms and taken care of. You will be free to talk until your heart is content and cry as much as you like. You will have someone who understands what you are going through and all those problems you thought were too big to handle will suddenly seem small because you will have someone to share them with, someone to help you. You won't have to answer to anyone, you can come and go as you please, totally free of abuse.

You can stay as long as you like too. The support workers are just that, support workers. They don't try to influence you either way. If it's just a break from the abuse you need and then you choose to go back, that's fine. If the relationship is over and you want to stay until you are rehoused then that is fine too. It may be that for the first time in a long time the decisions are all yours, you are in control of your life!

If you are in an abusive relationship, tolerating it because you think you have no choice, because you think a refuge isn't for you, I hope my post has helped you in some way. I didn't think a refuge was for me either but it turns out that it is more of a home than the house I lived in ever was.

Thank you for writing this thread. You are so brave.

Can anyone answer, If you call womens aid and tell them about abuse but can't leave yet, would they contact social services? Would they make you leave? Will they tell anyone? Me and my dd haven't got anything if we leave. No money, no home. Dd(4) doesn't want to leave her daddy, I don't know what to do.

Hello @Shoveitupyourbum. I was in contact with WA for around two years (via email) before I found the courage to leave. Social service were never alerted, I wasn't judged for not being able to leave, I was completely supported.

You can ask to see an outreach worker who will meet with you outside of the home at a place you feel safe. You don't need to physically leave in order to receive support, they will completely understand your circumstances and will give you all the support and advice you need. You may find that all of your worries feel so much less once you speak to someone

Thank you to everyone who posted directly to me, your kind words are very much appreciated.

Thinking of those people feeling stuck and wishing you strength and courage

@monkey1978 consider changing identity if the threat is that severe. WA and the police would be able to advise you on that, I'm sure.

Reading this thread has been heartwarming. OP (and all other "escapees") you are amazing.
But, all the posts I've read speak of women with one or two small children going into a refuge.
What happens if you have 3 or 4? Teenagers, All of whom are adult sized?
How are they all accommodated?

Hi @hopingforhappiness, thank you for your kind words.

To answer your question, while I was in refuge there were women in their with 4 and 5 children. One person who had older children was offered a property owned by the domestic violence group so they could all stay together. Another person who had an 18 yr old reported that he had been supported in finding housing. It wasn't ideal as under more 'normal' circumstances they would have stayed living together as a family but they accepted that the support allowed them to leave an abusive situation.

I completely understand that not all regions may offer the same level of support but it's always worth asking and not letting self doubt or overthinking put a person off making that first move towards freedom.

I feel so low today. Been crying a lot. Everywhere I turn seems to shut a door in my face. And then I found this thread. I have only read the first post and a couple of recent ones.
I feel a failure because I feel that because we are stuck in this horrific situation and cant get out of it, i am letting the kids down.

Been divorcing h since early lllast year. We are all still in same house. It is unbearable. The kids are getting violent towards me. Then see his violence and think it is ok. I do everything i can to protect them but it doesn't seem enough. My solicitor asked him to leave but he has verbally refused. No response via solicitors about it.
I have looked into renting but on low income but own half a house with h that we live in. (Cheaper end of housing market).

Feel so deflated and low today.

Just to add he isnt physically violent . Its emotional and verbal.

A very long time ago I started posting on Mumsnet about things in my relationship. I was in touch with Women's Aid long before I realised how toxic and dangerous my own marriage was. It was because of MN that I began to understand what was going on in. my own relationship.
The Women's Aid website has a Survivor's Forum.

OP I'm so happy for you. I was a support worker in a refuge for many years so just a litttle warning. I was surprised at how many women returned to the abusive ex. These men would transform themselves (on a temporary basis) and promise life would be different. One woman returned on the promise of a day trip to Blackpool!! We always said they would be welcome to come back if we had the

Rose you poor love read the OP's post again and again and some of the other empowering posts. It is a big deal know to leave your life behind, but once you feel the emotional freedom you won't regret it.

Shove it all you need is some emotional courage. I think you are worry too much - the trouble is these abusive men wear women down sothat in the end they have no courage left and that has to be built up again and it will, No one is going to tell you that you have to
leave or contact social services - read the OP's post again and the others who have taken the step you need to take. I don't know the age of your DD but you just have to be pragmatic, not emotional, and say that she and daddy arent happy (she'll know that anyway) and so you 2 are going to live somewhere else. WA will show you how to claim benefits. Hope you women out there walk out of the door and the rest will be sorted. Oh yes WA will always tell you to keep important things, bank accounts, passports etc.

Wishing you well and all the other women suffering abusive men. Don't forget 2 women are killed by a partner every WEEK.

Well done OP, truly inspiring.
I'm so glad you and your DD were able to find the courage and make the leap.
I was also in an abusive relationship and left when my DD was 1.
It was a really horrible time but I know I made the best decision for me and my DD getting away from her abusive Dad.
I've since went to uni and earned a degree and working in a good job.
I met someone else, a good, kind, caring man.
I got married, bought a house and had 2 more children.
My DD also legally changed her name by Deedpoll when she was old enough.
I find it hard watching how her abusive Dad tries to emotionally abuse her. Text her on her 18th saying she was a shit daughter and he felt suicidal.

I just hope she has the strength to see him for the sad, pathetic man he is.
She is doing well though and is a beautiful, kind, caring girl who is in her 2nd year of university.
I'm so so proud of her.
I honestly can't imagine how my life would be if I had stayed with him.

Kids perspective: We were moved into a refuge when i was about 5. I loved it and from what i remember so did all the other kids, we always had someone to play with and it had a real sense if everyone taking care of eachother.
I remember the big play rooms and playing hide and seek in all the rooms. I'd never been in a house as big as that one before, it felt like a castle to me at the time

If you move to a refuge what do you do about working and childrens school?

WELL DONE!!! you got out and safely. Now you can start to rebuild what you lost in yourself from your time in that relationship. Is hard to start over, but women do it. Woman keep listening to YOU and your gut instinct. Don't be persuaded otherwise.

Thank you for your selfless choice to reach out during a tough time. I can not tell you how happy I am that you are safe and that your daughter is free from that abuse too.
Be strong and believe in yourself.
Much love to you both xx

Well done! I couldn't agree more - I stayed in my abusive relationship for 20 years, for the sake of my DD (her father told me he'd hurt HER if I left.) I could cry now with the realisation I should have planned my escape and got help so much earlier. She's a young adult now but will take a lot of healing, and of course she's attracted to abusive men... I thought I was hiding my pain well but like you say, she was trying to protect me.
I'm sure your fantastic post will help other women have the courage to go.

I've just found and read through this thread and I would like to thankyou so so much OP and the other ladies for sharing your stories

Tomorrow is the 1st anniversary of me leaving my perpetrator, I can't tell you how far me and my children have come in this 12 months, it has not been easy by any means.

I spent 6 years being physically and emotionally abused, there was only one incident where i was raped, for that I am grateful.

From March to July I stayed in the house with the children but it became too much as he would come
Round trying to kick the doors in constantly harassing me threatening my life
So I went into a refuge in July.
It was the best move I could have possibly made, the support workers where and are still absolutely fantastic they gave me the strength and courage to go on when I genuinely feel like I had no more fight left in me.

Me and the kids are embarking on a new journey together as we are coming out of temporary accomodation having found a house for us to live in, I don't have a thing to my name right now but I couldn't care less it will be ours and it will be safe.

I have also started something called the mirror project with the charity I'm working with, they are called Swaca, I can't praise them enough, they have put counselling in place for my middle son as I feel he has been affected by this more then he likes to admit.

For anyone reading this thread who is suffering and trying to find the courage to get out, stop worrying and just do it
Don't worry about the impact it will have on the kids if you have them,
They are very resilient we don't give them enough credit, and believe me removing them from such a toxic and harmful environment is the best thing you could ever do. I feel a lot of guilt because I allowed them to be a part of that nightmare for so long.

To anyone reading this who have no family support or friendship circles it doesn't matter you can still do it!!!
I don't have any contact with my family and I don't have a friend in the world, but I have 3 amazing human beings that I have the privilege of being a mother to and right now that's good enough for me.

I won't lie to you it's not always rainbows and birds chirping but it's always better
Than it was.

I am nowhere near the end of my journey but I'm on the right track and that's the main thing .