For anyone desperate to leave an abusive relationship but reluctant to move into a refuge

[TimeForMe]

After many years of living with a miserable, abusive bully I finally had enough and called Women's Aid for help. They were wonderful and put me in touch with my local refuge who were equally as wonderful. Within half an hour of making the call I was found a place in a refuge which I gratefully accepted. I had a few things to organise so arranged to go in the next day. A mini bus was sent to collect me, DD and all the belongings we could manage to take. Upon arriving I was greeted with a smile and a welcome cup of coffee. All my belongings were unloaded and taken up to our room. DD was shown around by the child support worker then taken to the play room where she had a brilliant time playing while I had a weep and a chat and filled in all the paperwork. From the moment we stepped inside that door DD and I were supported and taken care of like never before. From that moment I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, it was like stepping into heaven.

For years I had thought about ringing Women's Aid and asking for help but the thought of a refuge put me off. I had a vision in my mind of what it would be like, the kind of people that would be in there. I couldn't have been more wrong. DD and I have our own bedroom, bathroom and kitchen. We share a lounge with the other ladies in there along with a laundry room which has the most fantastic washing machine and dryer!! The refuge is clean, it's warm and it's wonderful! The support workers are fantastic and have helped me every step of the way with everything, claiming benefits, housing applications, counselling and supporting DD. Whatever I need they provide.

The main reason I put off going into a refuge was because of DD, I was worried about how it would affect her. How I wish I hadn't worried and had done it sooner. DD has flourished. Away from the abuse and the tension in the house she has really grown in confidence and is a happy, smiling, laughing little girl. I thought I was protecting her from the abuse, I thought I hid it well but since moving to the refuge, since seeing the changes in her I now know different. I wasn't really protecting her, she was, in her own little way, taking care of me. Now she has a happy, relaxed mummy she has no need to do that and so can enjoy being a little girl, probably for the first time in her seven years. It's wonderful to see

The reason I wanted to start this thread was to try to reassure anyone who thinks they are trapped in an abusive relationship, really not wanting to go into a refuge, they have nothing at all to worry about. Nothing to lose but everything to gain. You won't be judged, you won't be questioned, you will be welcomed with open arms and taken care of. You will be free to talk until your heart is content and cry as much as you like. You will have someone who understands what you are going through and all those problems you thought were too big to handle will suddenly seem small because you will have someone to share them with, someone to help you. You won't have to answer to anyone, you can come and go as you please, totally free of abuse.

You can stay as long as you like too. The support workers are just that, support workers. They don't try to influence you either way. If it's just a break from the abuse you need and then you choose to go back, that's fine. If the relationship is over and you want to stay until you are rehoused then that is fine too. It may be that for the first time in a long time the decisions are all yours, you are in control of your life!

If you are in an abusive relationship, tolerating it because you think you have no choice, because you think a refuge isn't for you, I hope my post has helped you in some way. I didn't think a refuge was for me either but it turns out that it is more of a home than the house I lived in ever was.

I haven't plucked up the courage yet to call. Still convinced I'm being a bit silly sometimes!

That sounds like the perfect reason to call to be honest.

An outsider's view should help you get a different perspective; the one you need to have the confidence to walk away.

Do you want to share the things you're not sure about on here?

Dp is being all loving and lovely, patient, considerate and helpful but it's still very much about him and how he feels.

I'm convinced he's a covert narc and won't change but now is not the right time to go anywhere so I'm saving up.

He's not violent just verbally abusive and can be sly, also suspect he's been cheating, lying and gaslighting me, saying it's my mental health making me paranoid. He is adamant nothing has been going on but I know what I observed.

There have been many prolonged nice times but the name calling and nastiness
has reared it's ugly head too many times.

Like now he's Mr Perfect and I'm forgetting, like every other time. I have been writing things down but doubting myself when I read back even.

He is doing everything in his power to make me stay, hugging and always wanting affection, it's been getting on my tits tbh!

Thanks for replying. I will ring them, I just don't feel ready.

Hello!
I'm after some advice.
Hubby has always been a drinker but it's gradually making our lives a misery
It makes him.so grumpy towards us all we are on egg shells all the time and he's being really aggressive (verbally) towards the kids and calling them.horrible names. I feel like he puts me down alot too. My 4 year old told me recently and his preschool thanks daddy doesn't love him because he's mean and horrible. I've tried having words and he cut back on the drink for a couple weeks but it's creeping back in again. It's a constant cycle of him drinking and being horrible then stopping for a bit when I say something then he starts again. We share a council house...I feel like I want to leave with the children. Will the council 're house me?

Fuckmylife

Keep writing it down. Maybe the quantity will be enough to convince you eventually.

Do you have a RL friend you could tell things to? Someone who will listen, ask questions and help you reflect on the behaviour, rather than tell you to leave him?

It's good that you can see the motives behind his behaviour and I can see why him pretending to be the person you want him to be is making leaving hard. Just try very hard not to allow him to make you more stuck or more vulnerable. It can be easy to allow this as a show of faith, to prove to him that you aren't leaving. You don't owe him that.

The day you leave won't be a day to soon but it also won't be a day too late. You deserve a life where you are treated with love and respect because the people around you genuinely love and respect you, not because they are using it to manipulate you.

@Goldmandra I have told people Irl but I've been encouraged to try and stay and give a proper chance.
DSIL has been behind me so she understands.
He's pestering me to show him love so I gave in and told him I love him.
I'm working to make life bearable for everyone because if he's unhappy, we are all unhappy.

Yesterday he told me that every bad thing he has ever said to me was to conjure up a reaction of emotions, because I've never been affectionate and never show him attention.
So it's still all my fault in his eyes.

He's not stopped to think why I went off affection. There are many reasons.
He said that no affection has chipped away at him.
Yeah well, his bullying has chipped away at me, but it's not about me is it? Never was

Also he's trying pressure me into getting married.

I am writing this with great sadness in my heart.. I am in a relationship for the past 6 years, living together in his place for the last 5.5 years.. At the beginning it was amazing, he has been treating me like a queen, then I fell in love with him. After about a year I have found out that he is a crack cocaine addict, after another 3 I have found out he is a heroin addict and suffers with mental illnesses. The relationship has been not healthy from about a year onwards due to paranoia caused by his cocaine addiction, constant lies and possibly cheating but it always got better when I threatened to leave. He has been trying for the last 6 months also, giving me fake hope and then taking it away from me. I am 31 in a few days and 12 weeks pregnant with his baby. He has got children from 2 previous relationships and I have found out from his sister that he has never been involved. Now I am foreign, my whole family and best friend live abroad, so I am here alone. I have started my own business couple of years ago and it’s becoming pretty successful which is being thrown in my face on daily basis. My pregnancy has been really tough so far, I have constant nausea and vomit numerous times a day (5-6) but I have to work 10-12 hours a day no matter how I feel as I don’t want to give up what I have built over the years. Now, the atmosphere at home has been getting worse and in I have been mentally abused a lot lately. I am completely torn apart, keep crying and blaming myself for sticking around for so long hoping he will ever change and for getting pregnant. I am also torn apart thinking shall I keep this baby? What sort of life will my baby have? How am i going to manage all this by myself and go to work so we don’t starve to death and live on the street? If I terminate the pregnancy will I get pregnant ever again with someone that will deserve me and treat me right? I keep beating myself up and crying over the situation I am in I should have been so much wiser but after trying to conceive for a while I was so happy to be pregnant now I am devastated. I am completely and utterly lost and can’t feel any way out.

Are you in the UK?

Yes I am

@Lilith119285 I think you need to start a new thread with your post on here as your opening post.

You need some good support and advice and very few people are going to see your post here.

Thank you for your advice

Sorry I'm new to this I don't really know where to ask a question and was in a relationship for three years and I still have feelings for her we have a three-year-old daughter I pay her money not court-ordered but she still will not let me see her or she will not send me any pictures I email her and she ignores me I don't have any money for a lawyer I really don't know what to do

You need to start a new thread under the relationships topic to ask this question. You will get almost no responses on here because it's the end of an old thread.

If you're on a PC, the option to do this should be just below this post. It will be different if you're on a mobile device.

My response to you post would be that you need to put your feelings for your ex to one side. They are not related to contact with your DD (daughter).

You can apply to the courts without legal representation, although I don't know what the court fees would be.

The maintenance you are paying is a separate issue from contact and you may be criticised for linking them in a thread on Mumsnet. Your child needs you to support her financially whether you see her or not. The courts take the same view.

Maybe you could explain in your new thread why your ex is refusing contact and what involvement you've had with your DD up until now.

Someone may be able to suggest where you could get some free legal advice.

@Goldmandra If I may correct you, this isn't an old thread, this is a thread which has been 'stickied', meaning it contains useful information and posts where people have shared their experience. People do respond but for many of the questions, advice has already been posted within the thread.

It's a very good idea to signpost people over to the Relationships board though where they can post their own thread and receive advice specific to their situation.

I hope this offers clarity to people. I wouldn't want anyone going through a difficult time thinking they were being ignored.

Personally, I'm still a huge advocate of Women's Aid, or a Domestic Violence group local to people. Even if moving into a refuge isn't an option right now, there are other means of support available, for example, and as mentioned in the thread, outreach workers who give advice and support.

Wishing a peaceful and safe weekend to everyone going through a challenging time at the moment.

So, following on from my post on this thread many moons ago; Things have gotten worse (as I was assured they would do by everyone I have ever spoken to about the issue of Domestic Violence).

I have effectively been given two weeks to leave my partner by SS - else my child's status might be increased to 'at risk'.

This is as my partners abuse has ramped up and they believe that she is starting to respond to the arguing between us (which I have always tried to shield her from - and she's never once witness the physical side of things).

I have the national number to find a refuge. I am going to ask my friend for help today in getting my stuff out of the house - so today, I have to nominate THE day. THE day where I stuff mine and my childs belongings into bin liners and boxes and leg it.

I cannot breathe.

I am beside myself with how this will break my little ones heart into a million pieces that we're not with Daddy any more. How do I tell her what we're doing and why?

How do I take her out of the nursery in the middle of the day without breaking down and avoiding all the probing questions?

How do I deal with my 10k debt with no money coming in at all?

I am in floods of tears knowing that my relationship has failed and I its tearing me apart as I only ever wanted it to work...

Do I leave him a 'Dear John' letter?

I can't control my shaking and in truth, I don't want to leave, but I absolutely know I have to. He has destroyed me and I am completely scared of whats to come - but completely mentally and physically exhausted by staying in this abusive situation.

Any advice would be gratefully received by one scared and devastated teddy...

-x-

This is so inspiring to read, and I hope it encourages other women in the same situation. Well done you, and good luck with the rest of your life!

@SanitysSake I'm so sorry for what you're going through and just want to wish you all the luck in the world. You are so brave for taking this step xxx

@SanitysSake I hope you are safely out of the other side of your situation now and I hope you have received the support you deserve.

For everyone going through a similar situation, the thinking, the overthinking, the 'what if's', can all create huge obstacles and great stress. I know this because I went through this myself. The thoughts going around in my head, all the questions with no obvious answers, they crippled me, keeping me trapped for a lot longer than they should have.

In the end I just took a leap of faith. I upped and left. I told myself I could figure out all the detail from a safe place rather than try find all the answers while still at risk. And you know what, once out, once away from the abuse, able to breathe, able to think more clearly and with people to talk to, things didn't seem quite so impossible. I'm not saying it was easy but it was definitely easier.

My advice to anyone going through the same is try to shelve as many thoughts as possible, compartmentalise them, tell yourself you will pack them away for now and once you are safe you will deal with them. Give yourself permission to deal with one thing at a time.

Right now, while you are in the thick of an abusive situation, you will feel very alone, you will feel that you have to find all the answers, all the solutions. But you don't. Once you are away from that situation, reach out for support, allow yourself to be supported. Allow others, possibly strangers, to care for you and about you. You not only deserve it, you need it

Wishing a peaceful and safe weekend to everyone going through a challenging time at the moment.

Timeforme this is a lovely thread. Thank you for sharing your story. As someone who might be going into a refuge can I ask a question?

The lady I saw from women’s aid said that normally they would want you to go into a refuge a long way away from home as this is safer.
I may be able to go into a refuge nearer my home so I can keep my job but this is not usual. Is the point of going into a refuge to hide? If you go far away can you hide from your ex forever. I have a baby and he keeps threatening to take him away from me and saying I am an unfit mum. He is so horrible to both of us that the idea of him having contact is awful and he has threatened suicide many times and my worst fear is he will kill him self and our son.

When you were in the refuge did anyone manage to hide from their children’s dad.

Hi @Siablue thank you for your kind words, sharing my story is an absolute pleasure if it helps.

When we went into refuge I had no idea where we were going. I gratefully climbed into the minibus taxi that had been sent for us and sat nervously, wondering where we would end up. I did breathe a small sigh of relief when our destination turned out to be just 8 miles away and in an area I knew. In my head, that meant one less thing to deal with.

People go into refuge for a number of reasons. There was a lady in my refuge who was in there for a short stay of respite, others had travelled quite some distance (over 200 miles) away from family and friends and were planning on living in the region, not returning to their home town.

I didn't specifically go into refuge to hide, I didn't want to see the ex or hear from him, I wanted him to leave us alone. I went into refuge to escape the abuse, to find peace, feel protected and have support.

I would advise that you see a solicitor. This is the course of action I took and they were wonderful! An order from the court may be the way to go, preventing your ex from having contact, rather than spending your life in hiding which in itself may turn out to be very stressful.

If you have the opportunity to take a place in refuge then do accept it. The support workers will be able to offer you advice and be with you every step of the way. Having someone by your side throughout makes such a difference

Hi TimeForMe thank you for your lovely reply.

I can really relate to what you are saying about just wanting to be left alone. I don’t want to hide that would be so stressful but I just have this fear that he will want to control our lives forever.

I have an appointment with women’s aid legal clinic but I may be leaving before then. My support worker wanted to get me a place in a refuge in Scotland where most of my family is but wasn’t sure if he could order us to move back as I would be taking DS out of the country.

I have been going through so much stress, desperately wanted to leave but being so afraid he will take our boy. I have had some lovely support from here and I do feel a lot calmer now, although I am sad that DS will grow up without a proper family.